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123Creative Works Creative Writing A Warboss's Retirement Plan [Warhammer 30k Ork SI] Thread starterSirBearington Start dateDec 21, 2022 Tags warhammer 40k self insert orks warhammer 30kCreatedDec 21, 2022StatusOngoingWatchers791Recent readers331Threadmarks15Magsnik Kogchewa, Warboss of the Ullanor Ork Empire, has had it. He tried his god damn best to be the best damn Warboss there is after waking up as an Ork but then the shiny git decided to ruin his plan for Galactic Domination. In times like these, the only way forward is to flip the board game and say fuck it. Besides, retiring sounds like a good plan.Last edited: Dec 21, 2022Threadmarks Sidestory InformationalStatistics (13 threadmarks, 75k words)ThreadmarksHide awards Reader mode RSS NewPrologueWords 4.7kDec 21, 2022NewChapter 1: Homesteading 101Words 5.1kDec 21, 2022NewChapter 10: Testing One's ResolveWords 5.5kSep 18, 2023NewTell Me Your Deepest DesireWords 5.3kAug 19, 2024NewChapter 12: The Sweetest of LiesWords 6.4kYesterday at 7:32 PM1 of 9Next LastJump to newIgnoreWatchThread toolsThreadmarksSidestoryInformationalReader mode Remove this ad spaceThreadmarks Prologue New Threadmarks SirBearingtonDec 21, 2022Add bookmark#1Prologue
He looked down upon the crude, kitbashed, holographic display showing a thousand star systems highlighted in green. There seated upon a comfortable throne, he inspected his holdings and found the borders caved. Before him was the map of the entirety of his empire and right at its border highlighted in gold and denoted with the double headed aquila was the enemy at the gates. In one lifetime, he would have rooted for the men under the aquila but today was a different existence, for he was no longer a man and this was an age where there was only war.
"Bozz, the beakie's fleet has just arrived at the edge of the system anz oh boy there'z a lot of them 'ere." One of his men said, a gigantic ork wearing minimal armor, in passable high gothic as he pointed at the spots of golden light streaking straight for the heart of his empire.
He hummed for a bit as he looked at the display before his attention was caught by a meek little human trying to keep her head low as she pushed a large cart containing large tankards of beer. She was one of the human servants that he saved from the slaughter. It was either the frying pan or this; he might no longer be human but he still had some humanity left. He grabbed one as the others jostled for who to get, growling warningly if one of his nobs looked like he was getting a bit hungry.
With his thirst sated, he reached towards the display and gestured for it to zoom in and on each light he'd see the symbol of the legion they were affiliated with. There amongst the ships were the expected symbols of the Omega, a slitted red eye, and a red lightning bolt; but there were those bearing a stylized black first along with a winged eagles claw. They were an unexpected addition to this decapitation strike. He started counting at the green dots and found that his fleet was outnumbered three to one.
"Well color me surprised. They're sending in five of them here? Ha, thought they'd only send in three." He barked out a laugh as he gently placed his beer down on the table before him. It was concerning yes but he couldn't help but smile along with the boys. It was going to be a good fight, he could feel it in his bones.
"So boss, what do we do?" Asked his right hand ork as the stooped weird boy held on his banner. His eyes crackled with green energy.
"We bleed them out. Our fleet will not last long against those 5. Crack open the vaults to the nice shootas and big choppas." He responded as he got off his seat, stretching a bit, and worked on the kinks on his shoulder. He was getting restless and the prospect of a fight was making it worse. "Arm everyone, even the gretchen. Have them crew the larger weapons."
"The one you had Gearhead and his crew make all year long?" another Nob asked with glee in his beady little eyes.
"That vault." He replied with a widened green as he reached for his helm. The stylized orkoid face looking back at him, grinning back at him as if hungry for battle. Well, it certainly wouldn't be hungry for long with the awaiting blood bath. "Abandon the cities, let them take it. We're going to the fortresses." He ordered as he placed his helmet on. It might impede his vision but it was better than having no head at all.
"And miss out on the fightin when they start droppin?" A disgruntled nob wearing power grumbled out. The room became deadly quiet as Magsnik stared at the nob who looked around nervously. His grip tightened at the handle of his adamantine hammer. Flipping his maul so that the spiked end was facing forwards, he reached out with his weapon and pulled the Nob by digging the spike on his armor.
His muscle bulged at the effort of dragging the Ork down but he had to send a message as he growled at his face slowly. "We're not missing out on the fighting. We're just taking the fight where it's going to be the most brutal. Down in the tunnels, there's no cover." he explained to him in pain-staking detail.
He could see the gears grinding in the orks head as he looked crossed eyes down on his tusk before a smile stretched across his face. "Yes boss, I get it now! That's why you is the boss! Yur definitely one of 'dem brain boyz! " He nodded eagerly as he grinned at him. He had to suppress a groan of disappointment as he pulled his hammer off the orks armor. Sometimes, he wondered if this was really worth it.
"Any objections?" He grounded out, waiting for any to make a move but the shakes of their heads and their averted gaze told him their answers. "Then what's with the thumb fiddling here? Get up you lot, the turrets in the mountain aren't going to arm themselves!" He shouted as he slammed the butt of his maul down on the floor.
That spurred them into action as they quickly filtered out of the room. He looked down on them as they passed by him and waited for them to get out before he could give his final orders. Once they were gone, he pointed at the lone servant left in the room. "You, come here," he ordered, making the girl squeak as walked towards him. "Get every servant to safety. Evacuate the palace. Things are going to get ugly." He said as he pulled out a small stubber from one of his pouches and gave it to her as a symbol of her authority. The girl nodded as she took the gun and ran off.
Fiddling with knobs on his belt, he finally got the setting right and smashed the button over the buckle and he was tossed in the immaterium. The wailing sea of souls rejected his orkiness as he shot through it, punching anyone that got too close, before he felt the large concentration of orks nearby and he slammed the button again to which he found himself deposited on the train station where orks of all sizes were boarding their transport. With the sky burning as lances of fire streaked across the heaven, it wouldn't take long before they came down to the ground.
-x-x-x-
He expected this, he'd been preparing for this but when the news came, he still felt he wasn't ready. "Bozz Magsnik! Bozz Magsnik! The Beakies are 'ere! They be droppin like you said they would!" Shouted an ork messenger as he burst into the room, disturbing him from his planning with the boys. He straightened up as he stared at the orks excited face as the cave he was in shooked. The plasteel reinforced ferrocrete pillars the mountain complex cracked despite how they were wider than he was tall and he towered over the other green skinned monsters inside this room.
"Gitzappa, prepare the Weirdboyz." He ordered as he walked towards the nearby window to the battlefield. He was currently inside a bunker where his men could shoot the enemy with impunity. He could be in those underground bunkers but he needed to see things with his own eyes. Currently, some of his own nobs were using the mounted shoota's to spray and pray to the aircraft buzzing by.
Protected by several feet of reinforced ferrocrete, he overlooked the war torn from one of the vantage points of his mountain fortress as the battle raged on from down below. Millions of soldiers of the Imperialis Auxilia assaulted them from all sides, marching along their Leman Russ and supported by their basilisk as they climbed up the slopes of the mountain. The very skies burned as the massive drop ships of the Legio Titanicus and the shells of Nova cannons rained from above. The ground itself trembled as thousands of astartes launched themselves at his defenses but he did not fret for this is exactly what he wanted.
Along with the dropships came the burning hulks of both his own and imperial warships falling from the sky, burning and crushing both humans and orks alike. The sky was lit up as his fortresses' anti air batteries spewed a storm of lead. Men and Astartes alike fell as his forces ambushed them in close quarter combat as these soldiers were forced to fight in the claustrophobic trenches and tunnels dotting his mountain fortress.
"It's almost like Iwo Jima." he chuckled out as he watched with a feral grin on his ugly mug. With five legions barreling straight for his fortress world, he knew the fight would be a tough one. It could be won, he just needed to last longer than they could. A decapitation strike was good for his kind but that could lead to them being trapped behind enemy lines.
"Wuzzat bozz?" One of his Nobz asked as the large ork scratched his head. He suppressed a groan at that. He sometimes wished he had someone to talk to that doesn't require him punching and beating someone but alas, he was an ork. Any talk will eventually devolve into a fight or a challenge.
"Nevermind, just get ready to evacuate to the next fortress. We're taking this fight elsewhere. For now though." he turned to his standard bearer who came with the weirdboyz as instructed. They twitched and mumbled as they hooked to tha banner. The baleful green glow in the eyes of the skull atop the banner was a good sign.
He walked up to the banner and grabbed hold of it. Immediately, power flowed through his veins. Green lightning danced across his skin and down his hammer. They lashed out, singing and striking randomly until he started to exert his might. The lightning turned inward, arching around the banner and his weapon. With this power contained in hand, he raised his hammer and pointed at one of the titans belonging to the Colegio Mortis. Its grizzly form is covered with the skulls of both orks, xenos, and humans alike as it waded around the battlefield. He found a target and nothing in the battlefield right now was more worth his attention as the giant started digging through the tunnels at the side of the mountain.
He breathed in and started pulling at the force of the horde below, drawing at the power permeating every orkoid in this very planet. His lungs filled with not just air but power as the air around him shimmer. Pressure quickly built up as his body was forced to contain the power of the horde, channeled to him by the screaming and roaring weirdboyz around him. His head feeling like it was going to burst, and indeed some of the weirdboyz around him had their heads pop, yet his hammer helped him channel it, drawing it away from his body and preventing it from building up too much. He held on to this raw untapped force until he couldn't anymore.
Thrusting his hammer out, He bellowed out, letting his roar carry out and directing the psychic energy of a billion orcs ark out and hit the Titan squarely on the chest. A million tons of steel was lifted off its feet and sent back tumbling back. It's colossal form crashing against the hard ground, crushing its allies and his own forces as green smoke plumed from its chest. He laughed out maniacally as he felt his blood sing while the force of the WAAAGH bled off.
The weirdboyz around him were left twitching and drooling after being made to channel that much energy. He pulled at his banner, tearing the connection tethering it to them as he handed it back to his standard bearer. He was in no position to talk about toughing it out as his own mind felt like it was being apart. Only his superior constitution as a warboss allowed him to keep going.
With that display of power, his position would soon be focused upon. He needed to get out here soon else he'd be eating Nova Shells as breakfast. He turned around to see his Nobs cheering and shouting as they raised their shoota's and choopa's. "What the hell did I just say? Go on you lot! Scram!" He shouted as he backhanded the nob he commanded earlier with his hammer. A good knock on the head was the quickest way to send his orders across as they scrambled to their feet and ran off.
"I swear these idiots…" he growled out as he shook his head and went to follow them. This mountain was a bust and they'd soon overwhelm it. The next nearest mountain was a thousand miles away and he fully expected one idiot to have the "bright idea" of leaving him behind. Running there would be a pain especially in the cramped tunnels and he did not like the prospect of traveling that far through the warp.
Just as he was about to leave this room, he heard shouting from outside along with the tell tale explosions of a bolter exploding as it hit the Plasteel reinforced ferrocrete of his bunker as well as retaliatory fire from his own men. What peeked his ears were not the gun fire of heavy bolters but the roar of chainswords and the crackling of some energy weapons. He immediately hit his panic button and the alarm claxons rang out and bathed the room in a red light.
The grin on his face turned feral as he burst out of the room and came face to face with the power armor clad form of a Terminator. He had to give credit where it was due as the man immediately aimed his heavy bolter at his head and sprayed lead right at his face. Unfortunately for the man, he was currently wearing a helmet and it pinged off his head uselessly.
He swung his hammer and he savored the sound and feeling of the warriors armor crumpling as he was launched to the wall. The hallway he walked into was large enough to allow a small Gargant to walk around and here was a sizable contingent of white armor clad Astartes led by an absolutely gigantic superhuman wielding a power claw on one hand and a maul on the other. The bald head, the wolf pelt and that singular eye upon his chest piece told him who he was facing.
"Ahhh, the infamous Horus Lupercal of the Luna Wolves." He shouted in greeting as he raised his hand and fired at the Primarch with the modified Stormbolter strapped on his left arm.
He never saw such bullshit as the man swiped his claw and vaporized his shots even when he was clearly surprised. "High Gothic?" The superhuman shouted in surprise as Magsnik was forced to deal with more Terminators. He blocked their swords, letting their tooth blade scratch his adamantine hammer before he pushed them away and they were blasted by his standard bearer's lightning.
"It's a fucking pain to learn I swear, much less teaching to my nobs!" He shouted as he headed straight for the primarch who was clearly intent on killing him. He swiped his hammer, hitting and smashing everyone on his way as bloodlust tinted his vision green. He was going to smash that stupid smile spreading across the mans face.
The primarch laughed as he charged forward, passing by surprised Nobs and Terminators alike, and shouted in response "Hah! I never expected the day that I'd agree with an Ork of all things."
They clashed and at first Horus proved to be the better fighter as he forced him back. He was far faster, more nimble even, and he made great use of it to get under his strikes. Magsnik was missing but soon he found his footing when he started bodying the primarch and using his bigger size and thicker armor. The warsmaster's strikes might dig deeper into his flesh but he was tougher. He bullied the Primarch back as the fighting and claxons attracted every ork in the vicinity.
Magsnik pulled back to take a breather as feral gretchins and snotlings threw themselves at the Primarch as they burst out of the air vents from above. The little creatures proved their worth by showing the son of the emperor why he must always wear a helmet as he was bathed in blood and was blinded by it. The warboss didn't waste his time as he started pelting his enemy with bolter fire for distraction.
"Enough of this!" Roared the primarch as he threw off the last gretchin only to find that he and his children were surrounded by Orks of all sizes. Magsnik laughed out loudly as the ground started to shake and a pair of glowing green eyes appeared from behind Magsnik and Horus.
"I concur." Magsnik agreed as he started to pull at the WAAAGH and channeled it in his hammer just as a pair of small Stomaps appeared from the tunnel. Surrounded on all sides and with no way out, Magsnik roared as he sent his men to the brave and valiant men.
He would soon see Horus mobbed by a green tide giving Magsnik time to fiddle with his teleporter. Horus was fighting like a trapped squig as he sliced through orks left and right but that left him open as Magsnik slammed his hands on the big red button and appeared several feet above the Primarch. With the hammer raised up high, he fell down like a big damn Rok and slammed his hammer right on the Primarchs shoulder. The man feel down from the grievous injury and he was quickly beset by furious and suicidal marines yet it was for naught as their leader was rendered unconscious from the shock leaving them without direction.
He stood atop a pile of Marines as he stared down at the unconscious form of the primarch. "You will make for a useful bargaining tool." He chuckled out as he reached down and picked the Warmaster up for he had a plan, he always had a plan.
-x-x-x-
With Horus stripped of armor and dragged in chains, Magsnik strolled into battle with his banner attached to his back. The moment he stepped out of his fortress door with the Warmaster in hand, the battlefield seemed to come to a stop as his men turned to him and cheered while the Astarte's morale dropped as they faltered in their charge. There in front of him was the greatest general of the imperium in chains and collared like a common criminal.
"Soldiers of the Imperium!" He called out, letting his voice ring out across the battlefield. "Stand down and your Warmaster might live longer!'' He demanded as he kicked the battered form of the primarch. His right shoulder was a mess but it was a pragmatic choice on his part. He would not live a day longer if Horus died now. With his hammer resting on his shoulder and his banner fluttering in the wind, he looked at the battlefield as it grinded to a halt.
"Boyz, let the Beakies have time to think." He added with a cruel laugh, hamming up his action to get the attention of his men. Thankfully, the Orks held back and fell back to their defensive position. Any Ork smart enough to disobey were dispatched by the wall of guns called his mountain fortress.
That quickly put a damper on the action as he effectively forced a ceasefire down the invaders throats. Combat quickly grinded to a halt as he felt every gun on the enemy's side trained their way towards him. He feared them not for he had someone in between them and his fleshy body. Out from the enemy line stepped a heavily armored astartes clad in artisanal purple armor with the symbol of the imperium proudly used as his own symbol.
"What's stopping us from turning your head into paste, Ork?" The Phoenician asked as he could practically feel the hundreds of red dots appearing on the forehead of his armor. The venom and hate dripping from those words was almost palpable and he reveled in it.
"I'm glad you asked." He replied as he raised his clenched fist and the collar on Horus's neck started to blink. "Wanna fuck around and find out, Phoenician?" He asked. The things you could do with simple and dirt cheap blinking lights was just amusing. One misstep however and he died.
"Why?" called out another voice, this time he couldn't discern where it was but the dry and unamused yet intrigued voice hinted him on who it was.
"Asking for my demands, Praetorian? That would be simple really. Leave." He demanded and even his own men were taken aback. Him, the warboss letting the enemy go? It was the most unorky of demands and no ork in their right mind would ask for a thing. Good thing he wasn't fully orky inside his head. "Isn't a temporary white peace more appealing for both of our sides than what we have now?" He asked.
This was what he wanted. Ullanor in the long run was fucked and there was no prospect of him ever touching his retirement plan if this battle was to continue. He needed the imperium off his back long enough for the Heresy to kick off. With him having one of the primarchs, he might just be able to force that. Everything was going according to his plans until things didn't.
For a brief second, he felt an oppressive pressure descend on the battlefield. He felt four pairs of eyes settle on him until they faded away as a crushing, all encompassing feeling fell upon the battlefield. The battlefield was bathed in golden light before HE arrived.
Clad in golden armor and wielding a flaming sword, the master of mankind arrived in the battle. For a brief moment, Magsnik's eyes met those terrible golden eyes and his spirit started to scream. He felt his feet step backward as overwhelming fear as his custodes started to appear though the very same portal He appeared from. For the first time in his new life, he once more felt fear. Instinct and his conscious mind warred inside him as he felt his throat lock up, his mouth hanging open as the man before him stepped forward with his ten thousand in his back.
All his plans came crashing down as the one person he wished to never personally meet was forced into battle. He knew deep in his bones that this hair brained scheme of his was the cause and now it was going to be a fight for a lifetime. He could already hear the twins roaring in his ears, demanding him to move forward but he couldn't and so he did what any sane person in this insane galaxy would do given his situation.
"Fuck this! I'm out!" He shouted as he tossed the rock he had been holding on the ground before grabbing the banner on his back and thrusting it the the nearest ork. With little to no regards to his own safety, he overloaded his belt by breaking the button and teleported out of the situation. He was forced into the warp screaming and kicking as he was pulled in every which direction. The moment he fled, he felt the twins screaming at him while the sea of souls heaved and roiled. With no way to control where he would land, he floated around blind to the eternities. He swung his hammer around, using what meager energy was left in him to ward off the nipping creatures in the dark for untold ages until it ended as soon as it began.
He found himself crashing and tumbling in a pile of broken metal and rocks. He laid their broken and defeated yet whole and sane. "It actually worked…" He whispered out as he started laughing. He turned to his back and there he beheld a sky filled with stars and around him were the broken remains of hundreds if not thousands of ships.
He did not know where he was and he could not feel the WAAAGH anywhere. He was lost out in space in some unknown space hulk and it suited him just fine. He took in a deep breath and found that the air was thin but that was fine, he was an ork after all. He tried to get up but he found himself weakened, severely so as the armor he wore and the weapon he wielded felt like its actual weight. The WAAAGH left him just as he had left his WAAAGH.
"This… is unexpected but I can work with this." He declared. He was tired and drained but he was very much still alive. Even if his limbs weren't so strong anymore, he now had time aplenty to spend in this little corner of the galaxy, he found a place where war has yet to reach. He was not really cut out for all this war stuff anyways, might as well retire.
"My name is Magsnik Kogchewa and I'm officially retired." He called out to no one as he forced himself up. With his heavy maul in hand, he started to walk in search of a place to make a house in this strange space hulk with its atmosphere and strange heavy gravity.
"This place isn't exactly bad." He declared as his foot found actual silicate rock. Maybe he could actually make this work but he really needed to find a spot to settle down first as his armor needed to be pulled off. A good dark cave would be nice to settle in, somewhere cool, damp and, most importantly of all, hidden away from the prying eyes up in the sky. He was in a space hulk so a trip to the warp from time to time wouldn't be too out of the question. He also needed it to contain plenty of rock to smash and make soil using his blood and spores. He couldn't exactly farm in solid metal… well he could be whatever he made wouldn't taste good.
Unbeknownst to him however, amidst the countless junk and debris that covered this space hulk, two pairs of glowing red eyes watched from a distance. The owner of those eyes watched him, staring intently before a blood thirsty grin stretched across their face.
A/N:
Hey, you have to know when to cut your losses and make run for it in a galaxy like Warhammer 30k. Sure your sheer ballsiness can get you far but eventually you'll come crashing down so best to have a cushion down there. What Magnsik has right now isn't that much but for an Ork ripped from his WAAAGH, he has everything that he needs and that's him being alive. What will he make of his life now that he's free to pursue other things? Well, let's find out next chapter~
With that out of the way, I'd like to thank vyor for being there to cheer me up. I'd also want to thank my Patrons once again. You guys are the best! Consider dropping by my Patreon page and became a patron today to support me so I can keep on making these types of fics. It means a lot to me to keep on working on my fics. I also have also have a Ko-Fi page and a Subscribe Star for those who do not like Patreon.
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Homesteading 101
Magsnik raised his heavy maul up high in the air even as his muscles ached from the effort, sweat dripping down his brow as he roared; bringing it down as hard as he could upon his target. Stone was pulverized, Ferrocrete broken, and the metal within bent as the former warboss toiled away; crushing the debris around the edge of his growing farm. The mycelium might be able to break everything down, eventually, to usable soil but smashing things to smithereens made it faster.
He toiled away at the hard ground while the soft green and blue glow of the tree-like mushrooms growing near the edge of his farm illuminated the area. Looking above, he'd see the large and claw-like pieces of rock and ships reaching up into the void at the edge of the crater his farm resided within. Up there in the sky above hung a huge tear in reality, staring down at his humble farm like the eyes of a great reptilian beast. It formed above his home not too long after he arrived. At first it was small, barely comparable to that of the Eye but it grew larger until it grew as wide as the crater. He had an inkling of how it was formed, as it had stopped growing after a while, staying as a large black tear above the starry sky.
This was where he now lived, right inside one of the craters dotting this gigantic hulk which drifted in space on its lonesome. Nestled right in the middle of it all was his home and he made it his mission to expand the farm until the entire crater was filled with life. It was just him, his farm and the tools he bought with him. Turning back to the rubble, he grunted as he went back to work, "There's no one to talk to…"
After breaking one last boulder, he finally decided to call it a day. He sat his hammer down before pulling the gourd he had strapped to his hips. Pulling off the cork, he allowed himself a good long sip of precious water. The cold melt-water was quite the refreshing drink, especially after a day's work. Speaking of work, he looked at the sizable patch of rubble he made and nodded in appreciation. It was slow progress but each day brought him closer to finally expanding the mushroom forest to the point that he'd have some snotling around to bully, though he was a touch bit apprehensive at that.
He was quickly reminded why as the soil nearby burst open revealing a newly born squig. The fat, squat thing which was more a mouth with two legs than anything else shook itself off the amniotic fluid that dripped from its dark red skin before it caught a whiff of the ork. It turned around and caught sight of him. The fungoid creature had just woken up and it chose violence as it roared out and charged at him with unsteady legs.
Magsnik let out a groan but he wasn't one to complain about a boon, despite the fact that said boon thought he was an affront to nature. He jabbed his hammer at its face, making it stumble over on its back disoriented; which made his job of catching it a whole lot easier. He picked up the feisty little bugger before tossing it on the large woven basket strapped to his back, closing it tightly to avoid any unwanted accidents.
"One more Squig to fatten up," He whispered to himself with a satisfied smile as he started scouring the rubble for any usable metal. He tossed the ceremite shards back to the pile as he searched for the precious metals such as adamantine shards with which he could make plows and pans with. After looting everything of worth and with a basket full of metal alongside a lone squig and his maul strapped to his side, he made his way back to his house.
He passed by the groves of tree-shrooms with his eyes on the edge of the path for any signs of anything worth foraging and he was rewarded for his vigilance. He saw the telltale sign of a lone red capped mushroom amongst the greens and blues. He quickly made his way through the underbrush, making sure to avoid the landmine like puffballs that were all too common, before his eyes lay upon the bloody treat.
He knelt down to peer at the small precious things, barely the size of his thumb but the green and yellow flecks told him what it was. "Speckled Bloodshade Fungus, I've been meaning to start a garden of these. I can finally hunt some demons and not worry about bleeding out." He whispered to himself as he reached down and started uprooting the medicinal mushrooms, making sure to get only the ripe ones so he could sprinkle the spores into the pots he made at home.
Placing them inside his special leather pouch, he finally sat up and continued on his merry way. He finally cleared the forest and came upon the field of his farms. He passed by lines of rutted gob-busters with their white, round and pitted fruiting body grew along with various other fungi. Giant, waist high Enoki like mushrooms swayed with the wind like stalks of a wheat. His hands passed by the sea of gold as he plucked the head of one and popped it in his mouth. The crunchy, nutty and bread-like taste made them all tempting to just eat raw but they were better harvested and processed for their flour. There were also giant morels, bundles of green colored mushroom that looked like if you made cabbages with hen of the wood, bunches of purplish mushroom that looked like lettuce if there were made with oyster mushrooms, and clumps of the meaty and fleshy beef steak looking mushroom along with a smorgasbord of others fungi.
"Just a few more days." He muttered as he could finally have some surplus again. He didn't know how long exactly it took but it was 30 or so sleep cycles before his harvest was ready; scary fast but hey, Orks breed fast so an equally fast crop was needed to feed them all. "At least the old ones were neurotic enough to make a crop to support the Orks."
He made sure to grab some of the beefstakes and fed some of it to the ravenous sguig in his basket, who quickly became distracted from trying to chew its way out, as he walked up the cottage he'd made. It might have looked like a giant brown mushroom with its sloped and curved brown roof and white rounded walls but it was home. "At least it doesn't look like a fly agaric." He muttered as he walked up the steps up to his house.
He veered off and went around to the back so he could drop off his loot. His backyard contained both his squig pens as well as his workshop. The fat green squigs immediately charged at him only to be stopped by the thick cage he made out of twisted metals. He wasn't taking any chances with these fuckers as he reached for the squig in his back and tossed it inside with the rest before he started feeding with them the beefsteaks.
He frowned as one of the squigs, the oldest one which had turned green just yesterday, wasn't giving him hate filled glares but looks of recognition and joy? It jumped up to him eagerly while its tongue was lolled out. He made sure to give it an extra piece as he dared hope it was friendly, he missed his lap squig.
Dumping the scrap metal in the pile of scraps in his workshop, he finally made his way inside his house. Entering the back door, he came upon his barebones kitchen with its spartan cupboard and utilitarian furniture. There was no flare and it felt empty with how large it was but he'd work on it. It was just a large rectangular room with one side dedicated to cooking with a brick oven to make his bread and a pit for cooking his stews and another side dedicated to eating with a long table fit for a whole extended family.
"Maybe I shouldn't have made a two story house already…" he muttered to himself as he grabbed some juicy 'fruit' in the basket sitting atop the table and took a bite out of it.
The green flesh tasted sweet and tangy, almost like oranges, as its juices dripped down his chins. He wiped the juices from his and chomped the rest down before he got to planting his medicinal mushroom. Picking one of the empty pots by the window, he then pulled the mushroom out and dusted the rich dark soil with the spores of the cap.
He almost dropped the pot and the mushroom when he suddenly heard some earthen ware breaking along with wood splintering. He turned around and listened for some sound. His fine tuned sense soon picked up the sound of crunching and slurping from his underground cellar. "Fuck, did a squig just spawned inside my house? I swore I had the cellars lined with plasteel," He cursed out as he sat the pot down and went to investigate.
He set his maul aside and picked up his rolling pin. His house might be big but he didn't have enough space to swing his hammer around and he did not want to replace another wall panel. Light on his step, he crept up to the stairs leading down to the cellar below. He grabbed on to one of the glowing mushrooms he had growing on the post before heading down the stairs.
The sound of munching and chewing got louder but accompanied it was moaning? That didn't sound familiar or even remotely orky at all. He might be cut off from the WAAAGH, but he still had his wits with him! He sniffed at the air and noticed the distinct smell of the Eldari along with the sickly sweet scent permeating the air, almost like the scent of fermenting fruit, but mixed with the scent of wild flowers of all things. He couldn't quite make out which creature this scent came from as it was everywhere. It even had the tainted smell of chaos, of burning brimstone but far more muted like that of the possessed; but it wasn't at the same time there was also the earthy and nutty scent of truffles of all things. Suffice to say, he was fucking confused. Still, he wouldn't know what it was until he opened the door.
Steeling his nerves, he opened the door and charged in. With his rolling pin in hand, he roared out a war cry as he barreled towards the dark red shape in the corner, "WAAAGH-at the fuck woman. Why the hell are you eating my squig dogs raw!?" He shouted in outraged bewilderment as he beheld the small hunched form of a beautiful white haired humanoid with equally white horns. The woman's sharp looking suit contrasted heavily with the mess covering her mouth and the table napkin she had tied around her neck. The floor beneath his sizzled as the purpley goo of a saliva she had ate through the wooden flooring.
She stood there frozen as she was half way through an entire link of Squig Sausages, the exact same sausages he had stuffed with truffles he found growing, his celebratory sausages he made from his first slaughter, and there she was eating it without even cooking it! What's worse was she held the flask of truffle oil and based on the yellow stains on her bib, she had been drinking it. "You know, I wouldn't be as angry as I am right now if you actually cooked that." He complained as the woman swallowed the piece she was eating before pointing at him in surprise.
"By the four, a cognizant ork!" She shouted in surprise before she grabbed a nearby barrel of fungus beer and lifted it up and placed the rim against her lips which had his eyes twitching in annoyance. The gall of this woman.
"Holy shit! A bitch of a daemon eating my stuff!" He shouted as she pointed at the woman who gagged and coughed as she set the barrel down.
"I was hungry, ok?!" She complained with a light dusting of a pink on her cheeks as she wiped at them with his napkin.
"But that doesn't excuse you for not cooking it!" He complained as he walked up to the woman and grabbed whatever food he could salvage from this weird deamon's eating binge. Half eaten links of sausages, half spilled bottles of pickled mushrooms, ham hocks with bites on them, melted cheese wheels from whatever corrosive saliva she had, and other such travesties. He took a sniff of all of it and found it wasn't as offending as he expected. He could work with this.
"But the smell was just heavenly!~ Your batch of fermented meats are quite delectable while your cheese, oh my it almost reminds me of father's brew with all the complex flavors it contained! The creamy saltiness was just superb. I just couldn't help myself, I had to have a taste now." She complimented and praised him as she tried finding more food to munch on but he picked her up by the collar before she could do more damage.
"What are you? Some Nurgling or something?" He asked as he carried her up the stairs.
"Oho? You know who I am, Is it really that obvious?" She asked smugly before he dropped her on the ground. She pouted as she started up at him. "You don't believe me do you?" She asked as she slowly got up and dusted herself before removing the napkin she had tied around his neck.
"I would be feverish by now if you were one of the fat fuck's kid. You also aren't rotting or even remotely green. You're as red as a Khornite with the great fashion sense of the saner Slaaneshi," He replied, making her chuckle out. He raised a brow at her strange reaction to what he called the Grandfather.
Running her hand through her hair, she gestured widely as she introduced herself, "Oh, but I am. Let me introduce myself. My name is Beelzebub, the Lady of Famine and Decay, Ku'gaths' bane, the Great Devourer, and Nurgles prodigal daughter at your service!" She replied with a flourish and a bow.
"As for my color and appearance, I'd have to thank the three for that. Taking a bite out of father's favorite after eating my other siblings was a tad bit much for him. Shame, he was rather tasty, like your food actually!" He did not know if he should be offended or angry at her comment. "If not for my Uncles and dear Aunt, I'd be locked in my room but here I am, free as any other to do as I wish, adventuring out in the mortal realms and sleeping under the stars."
"Magsnik." He replied as he offered his hands for a shake. She gave quite the firm one in return as she smiled up to him.
"That's quite the orky name for a big fellow like yourself." She complimented him. Well, she was certainly laying it thick, he had to give her that.
"So you're effectively banished from the warp and now you're mooching off me because you haven't eaten something in ages?" He then asked her, making her wince at his accusation. He snorted as he laid down the ingredients in the kitchen counter before chopping them up into smaller, bite-sized chunks.
"I was waiting for your food to ripen… but yes. As crude as your words are, there is some truth to them. I am but a humble wanderer looking for something to eat." The woman replied, quickly recovering her composure as he heard her sneak up behind him. He set his knife aside and swatted the woman's hand, scolding her for trying to sneak a bite on his ingredients.
"Stay at the table and you'll have your fill." He replied, not wanting to spoil their food any more than what she already did. He gave her a glare to which she smiled and raised her hands in surrender. She walked back to the table and picked a seat close to where he sat, much to his chagrin, but she wasn't going to budge anytime soon.
"Thank you." She replied, all uncharacteristically non daemon-like as she waited in earnest. Her spade tail swayed behind her as she rested her arm on the table and leaned against them. He grunted as he turned his attention to the meal he was preparing.
"You're lucky you're actually worth talking to." He grumbled out as he grabbed some mushrooms the smells of onions and chopped them up to go with the truffles.
"I try,~" The woman smugly replied as she preened from the simple praise. He shook his head as he grabbed his trusty cauldron and carried it over to the fire pit. Getting the fire started, he waited till the pan was hot enough to get water rolling on its surface before tossing in the chopped up meat to render out the fat and brown it.
"So, what's with the look? I know you're more of a Chaos Undivided gal but I expected you to take more from your old man." He asked, As she wasn't exactly Nurgling material. She had some curves on her but not to the excessiveness of a Nurgling nor the sensuality of a Slaaneshi. She bordered on the form of motherly but not quite yet. She didn't look soft either, with a certain firmness in her form. He would have chalked off her being a Tzeentchian but she had a razor sharp wit. She did have that rotting scent but it was a pleasant one, just overwhelming.
"Oh I do. I'm just taking a more appealing form." She answered as she heard bones breaking and flesh warping making him groan out. He refused to look up as he took the cooked meat before he tossed in the truffle along with a healthy sprinkling of other aromatic and spicy 'herbs and chilies'. Gob Busters were always the best things to add. They tasted so spicy and filling, the onion-like shroom came next after the truffles became fragrant.
"Forget what I asked then," He replied, waving it off as he heard her return to her usual form. He knew there was something more hidden behind that charming smile she had. He tossed the ingredients around, letting them get to know each other before leaving them for a bit to get the stock he had prepared yesterday. He came back to see her stirring the ingredients with deft hands.
"Funny coming from an Ork," She then said as he squinted at her but chose not to kick her away as he added in the stock while she stirred everything up.
"I could say the say to you as well Daemon," He replied as he gave her a look; he wasn't the only one hiding something and two could play at the detective game.
"Touche." She replied, giving up so easily that it came as a surprise. He nodded along as he waited for the thing to bubble for a bit before he added the cheese. She hummed before she went on, "I won't pry on what you are so long as you don't pry on what I am,~ sound good?"
"I make no promises but that sounds good," He shrugged as he held his hand out so he could do the stirring.
"Come now, I'm not a Tzeenthician daemon. So long as you feed me, I'm satisfied." She teased him as she gave him back his ladle.
"So you say," He huffed in wry amusement as he watched the bubbling cauldron cook. With everything added in, he tossed in some fleshy puffballs and starchy mushrooms to make it hearty and filling, then grabbed one of the nearby stools and sat down, stirring from time to time to avoid having anything stick to the bottom of the pot.
He stared at the flames as they licked against the blackened steel. He reached out for them, letting his hands get cleansed by the open fire before he pushed against it. Sweat dripped down his brows as he tried squeezing out whatever power he could still make into the fire. He reached deep within, trying to dreg out the proverbial bottom of the barrel. For a brief second he saw the flames flicker green and that brought a smile to his face.
It was a slow process, rendering everything down to stick too in a low flame. He couldn't achieve a very high temperature and pressure so he did the next best thing, cook it till everything was unrecognizable. Logs of white chitin based wood were thrown into the fire as he kept watch while keeping an irate and bored daemon at bay with liberal use of his ladle to the forehead but he suspected she was only trying now so she could have a taste of the sauce stuck to her forehead. She was a crazy little lady and he was stuck here having to feed her.
"Mmmm,~ what is that? It smells so heavenly." She whispered into his ears as he felt her clamber up his back. He felt a bit tense with her so close, but he felt himself relax after a while. He felt himself sag at the realization that he might have been away from civilization for so long that he was ok with this; he had it bad.
"What? Didn't your father teach you how to cook?" He asked without any heat in his tone as she hung on to him with her arms around his neck.
"Oh he did but he won't share what he cooks. He kept sharing it with everyone. By the time he gave me some, it was but a mere speck." She complained with an annoyed grimace and he found himself frowning as well. Who the hell would give their own child a small morsel of food? "He keeps saying that it's a gift that grows but how can food grow if it's already in my stomach!" She then added making him finally understand, no wonder she felt so clean; unlike the other times he'd had to face cults that sprang up among his servants.
"Hah, he sounds like an ass." He chuckled as he scooped up a generous serving and took a sip. He felt his brows rise at the surprising taste it had. It had a bit of tang to it and the warmth it filled his stomach with was hard to describe. It almost reminded him of home, his real home away from this hell hole.
"He is! I don't get why people like him so much and how they run away when I come to their aide. I only wanted their rations but no, they have to run to the nearest Farseer and the humans are no better with their Sisters of Silence." She added with a pout earning her a chuckle from him.
"Well, that's enough complaining. Here, have a taste of what you've been missing out on when you decided to raid my pantry without thinking." He replied as he offered the ladle to the ravenous woman. She eagerly slurped it up, chewing on his ladle as she made it her mission to devour every last morsel she could get.
The moaning she made was extremely distracting to the point that he questioned if she was just a Slaaneshi masquerading as a Nurgling but the acidic goo dripping on his shoulder told him otherwise and it actually tickled. His only regret, and saving grace, was his lack of a tool to respond with but there was a phantom feeling and wasn't it a bitch to deal with.
He sighed as he pulled on the ladle after she heard some crunching when there shouldn't be and he found himself looking at a half eaten utensil. He stared at the purple goo as it ate away at his wooden ladle. He shrugged as he tossed it in the flame before reaching out for a replacement.
He rose away from the flame before letting the fire die out as he stirred the logs around. It had cooked for long enough and now it was time to eat. Grabbing one of the racks he had for his pot, he set the pot on the table before he warned Beel, "Do not eat it straight from the pot."
With that warning, he went to grab some bowls and spoons to eat from. He came back to a perfectly immaculate pot with a patient Nurgling with her bib on once more as she waited for her meat, "Huh, half expect you to slurp some up while I look away."
"And eat without you? You wound me." She replied with a bright smile.
Without any fanfare, he started serving her some soup. He made sure to give her a generous serving as well in one of the uglier, but bigger, bowls he had. "Well, time to eat," He replied as he sat down and dug in. He tried his best to ignore the lewd sounds she made but he just couldn't. Not even chewing with his mouth open could stop him from hearing her orgasmic moans of pleasure.
"So, what brought you to my corner of this universe?" He asked as he tried a different approach to stop her and worked, it did. She stopped moaning as she chewed on her food before swallowing it down.
"Oh that? Well I just so happen to be in the right corner of the Warp when you tumbled through. The gaping hole you made in reality was quite the curious sight so I thought I'd observe it and lo and behold the one that caused it was far more interesting than it." She admitted as she took another bite without a moan.
"You know about the nature of the tear?" He pressed on, actually curious this time around.
"Well not exactly but the Tzeenthcian I threw at it became quite familiar with it until he dissolved into raw Warp Energies. Earnie will be missed," She replied solemnly. He nodded along as he kept up the small talk and he found her more than willing to converse. After nearly three months of being stuck here without anyone to talk to, it was a nice pace of change. It didn't take long before both of them finished the small pot and boy could she eat.
He let out a mighty burp, making her giggle as she wiped her mouth clean. "Compliments to chef, that might have been the best meal I had in ages. Maybe even more so than Ku'gaths' arm but jussst maybe," She replied with a sigh of contentment.
"Well, off I go to bed! A nap after such a hearty meal is exactly what I need," She replied as she stood up but she'll find herself walking in air as she grabbed her by the back of her collar. "H-hey! Where do you think you're taking me?" She asked in panic as she tried prying his fingers off her suit but she'd find it harder than it looked.
"The talk was nice but it's time for you to go. Here's some mapple's now off you go," He answered courteously as he thrusted a basket of fresh fruits on the bewildered woman's arms before dropping her off his front porch and locking the door behind him. He let out a sigh as he finally got her out. A fed visitor was way easier to toss out than a hungry one.
"Magsnik? Magsnik! Let me in! It's cold out here and I'm lonely…" She called out pitifully as she banged her fist on the door but he chose to ignore her as he sat down on his rocking chair and grabbed one of the empty plates of wood and stared at it.
"Hmm… I should probably write a poem about that soup." He muttered to himself as he tried to drown out her voice but she was persistent about it, "I'll clean the house! I'll even tend to the plants! I'm good with plants! Just let me stay in your house!" She reasoned along with other promises so she could have room and board but he wasn't sure he could stay sane for long.
She went on for almost an hour but, finally, she stopped. He sighed in relief as he looked at the empty black board he had and wondered if he should draw instead only to see the pressed form of Beelzebubs face and chest on one of the glass windows he managed to salvage.
"Come on! You feed me and then toss me out? You're giving mixed signals here!" She whined, making him groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Damn it, I'm never going to get rid of her ain't I?" He talked to himself as the woman tried her best to pry the window open. Turns out, it was he who gave in first; and it only took her appearing in the mirror of his bathroom to make him give up.
A/N:
Heh, the first visitor to Magsnik's farm has just crashed it and it looks like she's going to stay. That's what you get for feeding a banished greater daemon and giving her a taste of a proper home. Next thing you know, they'll crash in your bed and claim the precious hoodie you've been trying to make. At least she's cute right?
With that out of the way, I'd like to thank vyor for being there to cheer me up. I'd also want to thank my Patrons once again. You guys are the best! Consider dropping by my Patreon page and became a patron today to support me so I can keep on making these types of fics. It means a lot to me to keep on working on my fics. I also have also have a Ko-Fi page and a Subscribe Star for those who do not like Patreon.
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