I pulled Jeremy aside.
"What? What? What's the secret?" He snickered.
I leaned closer and spoke quietly. "I appreciate that you tried to help me back in the station but there is already enough misunderstanding between me and him. I don't want to add anything up."
He crooked a smile. "Well, a little bit of jealousy does help, doesn't it? But whatever, I am sorry. Won't do it again."
I sighed, breaking into a smile myself. "It's alright."
"But how did you fall for him? I thought you liked me." He frowned.
I shook my head. "It's a long story."
"I am so curious right now."
I grinned.
"Um hey."
We both turned to face Zeel walk out of the guest bedroom of my apartment.
"Everything is set. I am leaving." He said, giving me a different type of look.
I nodded with a small smile. "Go back safely."
He nodded. "Take care of him." He said and left.
"Wow, he was glaring at you." Jeremy said as Zeel disappeared from view.
I shrugged.
"Anyway, I am leaving too. Spend some quality time and clear out the misunderstandings." He smiled, patted my shoulder and left.
I stared at the door of the guest room nervously. I was more than shocked that he chose to stay with me. For a moment, I had expected him to choose his friend. I was prepared to get hurt.
I stood in front of the door and took a deep breath before knocking lightly. I opened the door when I heard him say to come in faintly. He was arranging his clothes in the closet and just the sight of him made me feel relax. Without wasting any time, I made my way to him.
"Do you want help?" I asked, standing and watching him do his work.
He shook his head, again refusing to meet my eyes.
I sighed. He was definitely still mad. Gathering enough courage, I grabbed his wrist, stopping him from grabbing a cloth from the bed. It was then when he looked up at me and met my eyes in surprise. I reached to caress his face then slowly pulled him into an warm embrace.
"I can understand that this situation you are in is really scary. But don't worry about anything. I am here and I will do anything to protect you." I muttered.
He remained quiet.
"And I am sorry for reacting that way the other night. I-I just couldn't control my feelings. I didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry."I apologized.
He didn't react, remaining silent. I held him tightly. I didn't know what more to say. I couldn't express what I was really feeling in words. It wouldn't come out of my mouth. All I could do was apologize.
After a long time, he leaned against me, balancing his whole weight-not that it was much- on me. He slowly wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my chest. "I am sorry too. I know it's hard but please forgive me."
"I...I don't care what you did after we parted ways. It's just-" I started to say.
"No. You should care. I understand how you feel, Kwan. And I know that it hurt you. You don't have to hide it and say it's fine because it's not. You have always been like this. You don't express how you feel. You think about it and suppress your own feelings for the sake of others. I don't want you doing that. You are allowed to have feelings and breakdowns. You are allowed to express it in any way you want. Don't be such a control freak and keep everything in. You can scold me when I do anything wrong. You can be mad at me. You can talk to me about how you really feel. It's hard to read you this way. I never understood how you think because more than words, your actions showed how you really felt." His words came out softly and smooth.
I...I was speechless. I had no words to say. And I knew what he was exactly talking about.
"But sometimes it so happens that-" He continued. "-I feel down and unsure and uncertain. Even though action speaks louder than words, sometimes words does the job just perfectly. A little bit of assurance is more than enough. So...I want you to speak your mind with me. I want to have conversations. If you remember, we talked every night six years ago. After losing you that way, when I thought about it, I could only recall you telling stories about your school life or childhood or any types of event. You never really talked about your feelings. It was once in a blue moon when you reciprocated my feelings by saying that you felt mutually as me. That was it. That was the only time you accepted you had feelings for me."
I was left thinking on what basis was he talking about this?
As if he read my mind, he continued. "You might be wondering why I am bringing this up now." He leaned his head back to look up at me. As our eyes met, my heart skipped a beat. "I always wanted to say this but never got the chance. I want to talk to you. I want you to talk to me about how you feel, what hurt you, what makes you sad and happy. Even the tiniest of things." He smiled.
I gulped down. "I...I will...do it." That was all I could say. It was strange how easy it was for me to think and analyze about my feelings in my head but when the time comes to express them in words, I was left dumbfounded.
He smiled. "Good. You are a smart guy. You know how to figure things out in your head quickly. You asked for some time and it only took you a day to figure out your feelings."
I broke into a shy smile.
"Now, leave that aside, will you tell what type of relationship you have with that Jeremy guy? I won't believe if you say you are just friends."
Uh-oh.
He stared directly into my eyes with a smile, waiting for an answer.
"Umm sort of like an ex...I guess." I said. I didn't know either. We never dated though but...we were at the verge.
He raised his eyebrows. "How long did you guys date and why are you both like this now?"
"We...actually didn't date. We almost did but...yeah, we didn't. We just..." Slept together?
He freed himself from my arms and took two steps back, folding his arms across his chest. "You just...? What?"
"Nothing." I grinned. "Leave that topic. It's kind of complicated. Let's focus on us for now, okay?"
He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. Please give up. "Okay." He said.
Yes! I leaned down and kissed his head.
The burden and guilt had left my shoulder and I was left thinking about how much he knew me. In a period of six years, people tend to forget things about one another no matter how close they are. But the fact that he remembered was surprising. Had I really not changed at all? I felt like I did. I felt matured myself. But I guess I was still the same for him. I should just ask him later.
...
In the evening, we settled down with cans of beers in the balcony, prepared to share bout our personal life in the past six years. It was the time to clear things up. So we sat under the night sky and just talked.
"Oh? So you hadn't dated anyone ever since then?" He stared at me like I had grown two head.
I nodded. "There might have been some flings in University life but dating was a big no for me."
"Wow, now it's making me look bad." he took a sip of his beer.
"Aiy, it's nothing. We are all allowed to live the way we want." I smiled, even though deep inside it still hurt.
He smiled softly.
"Oh, a thing to mention. In my second year of University, there was this guy who resembled you. He was the same height as you, thin like you and clumsy like you." I smiled at the memory. "He was a junior and became my roommate in my second year. His personality was different though he acted like you sometimes. I don't know but he made me feel comfortable, he made me feel closer to you. Maybe that's the reason I didn't date. I was obsessed with the idea of finding someone like you but nobody matched your energy." I chuckled and looked at him. My smile disappeared as I found him narrowing his eyes at me. "What?" I asked.
"Did he match my energy? Did you try to date him?" He asked, still narrowing his eyes.
I laughed. "No! I didn't. I treated him like a younger brother and even helped him get a girlfriend. Gosh, look at you, all fuming with jealousy." I shook my head, grinning, and took a sip of my beer.
He rolled his eyes.
"I dedicated my life to studies and sports then. I kept myself busy so I didn't get time to think about other things."
He nodded. "Right. Good."
"What about you? You didn't finish your tale last time."
"Yeah because someone got mad." He said sarcastically.
"Aiy, I won't get mad now. You can continue. Come on." A sense of guilt swooshed across me.
He cleared his throat. "Well, my life didn't go as smooth as you. Zeel and I both knew what we were doing was completely wrong for each other. I...I felt guilty for starting things so we both ended things and to make the awkwardness less, he left for Canada soon after. I was on an internship program by then so I got enough money to rent an apartment for myself. Things weren't going well for me. I don't know what happened but I had to go for therapy and I was diagonized with clinical depression." He paused, staring blankly at the railings.
My eyes widened. "Clinical depression? That's serious!"
He nodded. "I know. It just happened. My family had cut ties from me, you were gone, my only best friend was gone. I was lonely and helpless."
I frowned. "Your family? Are they still..." I trailed off.
He nodded. "Yes, still cut off. My mom tried to find me through Zeel but I just didn't have the heart to face them. I am a disgrace to them after all."
I reached to clutch his hand. He looked at me and smile. "It doesn't affect me now as much as it did then. I am used to things now. And then a year ago, I met Piere. He seemed sweet in the beginning but then his disgusting personality started to show. He was wild, just wild and liked weird things in bed." He looked at me as I gasped. I urged him to continue. "When I didn't comply, he would burn me with cigarettes and beat me. He would find ways to hurt me. It became impossible to fight him. Then he lost his job and started to leech on me." He shook his head with a disgusted expression. "Those days still gives me goosebumps."
I gritted my teeth together, trying to keep myself calm. Ugh. If only they find this Piere guy sooner, I would make sure to send him to prison with a broken jaw.
"Kwan?" He called.
"Hmm?" I turned to face him and was taken aback by an attack of a light peck on my lips. I stared at him. "What was that for?" I asked.
"I don't know. I just felt like it. Maybe I am drunk." He smiled.
I attacked him with a peck this time. "You get drunk on air too." I teased. It brought back memories. Back to those days when he didn't drink, he would start to act like a drunk person at midnight, and I would tell that he was drunk on air.
He smiled shyly. "You are right."