-AYAT-
-8:30pm
Music playing in my airpods, my feet tapping with the song's melody. "La la la" I sing, washing dishes. Sam said we'd go on a date tonight. I never thought everything's going to turn out perfect in the end. Ifan found someone he loves, and I found my soulmate. Aren't we like a family of four, I blush to myself when I hear someone entering inside the house. Must be Sam, I wash my hands and rushed outside with the dress I've pressed for tonight.
"Sam what do you think of this dress for our dinner—"
A tall man except for Sam showed up.
"You.."
It's that victor guy from Sam's work place again.
"How did you get in? Sam's not here." I shouldn't panic.
"Unfortunate, but I'm here to see you actually." His voice is cold.
"Me?"
Why me?
"Sure take a seat.. would you like some tea or anything?" I ask because he's a guest, from Sam's work. Nothing to worry about. But then why is my heart telling me otherwise. Why do I feel like he will hurt me.
"If I were you, I wouldn't waste any time." He says calmly.
"I'm sorry I'm not following?"
"I have things to enlighten you about."
"Things as in?" I ask, I getting a little scared.
"Regarding your boyfriend's work."
Sam's work?
"I don't understand."
"I'm here to at last, finally aware you about your boyfriend's profession."
"You can come back when Sam's here." I avoid looking at him.
"They already know everything. It's you who is misleaded, blinded. It's you who must know the things they've been hiding from you."
From me?
My brother and my boyfriend?
Nonsense.
They never hide anything from me. We're a fam jam for life.
"What must I know? Mister, either tell me straight-up whatever it is, or leave. I don't have time for such inconvenience." I say.
"You've been lied to miss Ayat."
"They never hide anything from me. We're a family, we don't lie to each other. Now if that was all, you can leave." I turned around to open the door for him to leave.
"Did you know they produce drugs and not wheat?"
I froze mid way.
"What?" I face him and begin to laugh.
"Sam and Ifan? Selling drugs?" I laugh again, even though my heart is telling me to do the opposite.
"That's enough. I'll call the cops if you don't leave." I stop laughing.
"Fine. Call them. Maybe, I'll tell them everything about Sam, or even better if Faiza shows up, I'll either tell her everything about Ifan." His calm tone is echoing, striking through me. What is he saying?
"That's it, I'm calling the cops." I immediately try to grab my phone, which is placed on the side decour counter, but he came in between, grabbed my wrist, twisting it around. I tried to scream but before I could he threw my hand away. I regain my balance and when I do, I realise, I'm shivering in fear. My wrist has his fingers patten pasted on, red and swollen. And I cannot run now, because he's stronger and dominat over me. So I must do what anyone in survival would do. I gulp a lump down my throat, my hands are shaking. I have no other option than to listen to him.
"Spill it." I bite back my scream. "Whatever it is. Just spill it." I say.
He can be dangerous.
So, I must act careful.
One dumb move and God knows what he may do to me.
My intuitive thoughts are crying, sobbing even.
But I must not let fear take over me. So I stand still, in fear, in surprise, but still.
"Do you know who Faiza is?" He asks.
"She uhm she's my brother's neighour, and our friend." I answer panickingly.
"Wrong. Do you know who Faisal is?" It's like he's playing a game with me. He's enjoying, worse that he's tempted to hurt me. Why?
What did I do to him?
"Why do I have to answer you?" I ask, my voice shaky.
"Do you have any option?"
"He's I uhm I don't know, Sam's boss." Strange nervousness crept my spine.
"Partly true, correct? No. more wrong? Yes." He's calm, and walking around soothingly.
"What do you want from me?" I finally raise my voice in fear.
"I don't want anything from you. I want you to be aware."
"Aware of that Faiza isn't our friend when she clearly is or aware of Sam's boss that he already is?"
"Aware of the fact that Faiza was never a friend."
"How would you know?"
"Because she's a cop."
"What? A cop? If you're going to make stuff up, make something more practical." I slowly move to my TV stand, where my purse is. I have a pocket knife in it, if only I calmly reach to it first.
"Sam is a drug smuggler."
"Is that all?" I ask. I kept looking at him as I slowly slid my hand to pull my purse.
"You're smart." He scoffs, and before I could grab my knife, he immediately grasp both my wrist with his single hand, twisting them behind my back, I groan in pain.
"Leave me alone!" I shout. I'm scared.
"You have to believe me!" He's obnoxious, his movement is abnormal, he's mad at something, he's angry. He's dangerous.
"Leave me alone!" I try to force myself free but his grip is too tight, too powerful.
"Your brother's been lying to you! Your boyfriend's been lying to you! Your only friend zaid, your close to being sister, both of them lied to you. Everyone around you lied to you, kept you in the shadows, took advantage of you, everyone around you excluded you, like a piece of shit. No one is truly yours. You're all alone now, have been and forever will me. You're lonely! No one cares what you do! Everyone is so full of themselves, no one has time for poor little Ayat!" He's rushing his words.
"Stop talking! stop talking!" I scream.
He threw me onto the couch. My body collapsed against the cushions. Tears began running down my face.
"What is wrong with you?"
"What is wrong with me?" He's towering over me. "What the fuck is wrong with your family!" He fully towered over me, pulled his phone out of his pocket and played a random cctv footage, I didn't want to watch, I kept shivering to make him shake off of me but his other hand pulled me close by my hair, forcing me to watch the clip.
It's Sam and Ifan, transporting—oh no.
Oh god no.
"Why are they doing this—" I ask, my voice broke, and more tears fell down my chin. A suddan, undescribale pain stirked my heart, and all I can hear is my heart shattering.
Everyone did lied to me.
"Because that's what they are. Animals." He lifted his hand from my hair, gently petting the the rest of my head. "I feel sorry for you." He whispers.
"I don't know if whether I should believe a stranger over my family or not." I say.
"Your family left you no choice but to believe me."
"What else there is to know.." I'm shaking. My heart spiralled into a chain of tears and I can't hold it in any longer.
"Sam used Ifan for his own advantage. He made Ifan the bait so he could look good infront of Faisal for the higher position he has today. He knew Ifan didn't have the guts to prove himself strong, so he displayed him as a coward to look good beside him. He used him." He tells me.
"Bullshit." Hatred grew louder in my gaze when I looked up at him, not breaking the extreme eye contact he made.
"Is Faiza really a cop.." I lift my chin high to look up at him. Its like my heart got stabbed a billion times, and its no longer bleeding, but numb.
I feel so—out of place. Everything was fine just a few minutes ago.
I was planning to wear Sam's favourite dress and we were going to have a simple, normal dinner.
But nothing is normal anymore.
In a spam of five minutes. My world collapsed and none of my loved one is here or near me.
Everything was fine just a few minutes ago.
And now I stand here with a question that doesn't define reality of our life. A mere second made me so lost.
"Poor you." He took a step back. "She's been gathering evidence against your brother this entire time. She's been using you as a pawn for her advantage as well. Both Faiza and Sam aren't good people." He says.
"Why would anyone do that to another.." I'm zoned out.
I don't understand.
"I'll let you figure that out on yourself, when Sam will arrive here anytime soon. I know because I stroke him first before coming to you. He might just be on his way here now to grab whatever weapon he can to murder Faisal with. I've always been ahead of everyone." His lips curled upward, turning into a sly smile. "I can't wait to see Sam here, discovering yet again another pain. Seeing that his girlfriend is aware now. Let's see what he may do then. Will he stay here and comfort you? Or will the hunger for revenge, perhaps will define his true sincerity he holds for you." He's stroking his chin. "My personal guess is that he'll leave you behind, because the blood he has on his hand and mind as for now is far too devious." He scoffs.
My heart sank into a grave of pain. A sensation I can't shake. A sort of hurt I'm not even prepared for. I don't understand what is a happening. I understand nothing at all.
It's not only that they sell drugs but they've been lying to me my whole life? Am I such garbage anybody at any time can throw lies at me and I wouldn't stand up for myself? All my life I felt alone. Severe loneliness to the point I got mute, and so used to empty silent walls. To the point I found comfort in silence. Which a person should never go through but I did. I went through it all, all alone. Sam had Ifan, Ifan and Sam. Who did I have? I had no one near me. No one. All my education, all that I studied to help others were from money of other people's addictions? Addictions that they project on their families and Hurt them, abuse them? The drugs they use to harm others? Drugs that they themselves get hurt from?
Victor vanished after destroying me. He went ahead to do more harm. And here I laid, all empty and full of questions.
My door opened itself and I flinched, immediately grasped my pocket knife and aimed it to whoever was stepping inside.
Its Sam.
"Ayat? Why are you scared?" Sam's eyes rushingly scanned the whole house. "What happend?" He walked close to me, the second he came close, I stood up, stepping away from him.
"What do you guys do?" I'm acting paranoid.
"What?"
He has been crying. His eyes are swelled up and his voice is raspy. His knuckles are wounded.
He did something wrong again.
"What do you do for a living." I ask again.
"Why were you scared?"
"Sam answer me, can't you see I'm really panicking here."
Even though he looked in immense rush, he hugged me, leaving me shocked.
"No no" I push him away. "You can't just get away like that"
"Who came here? Was it Victor?" He seems like he already knows, he's just confirming it.
"Did he had a reason to?" My voice breaks.
His nose scrunched up in pressure. "Goddamnit." He bites back his anger. "He planned the fucking timing."
He's not talking to me. He paced back and forth, his hands clasped behind his head, cracking his neck in a nervous habit.
"Its the last time he hurt you, I'm going to fucking rip his head off—"
"If you already know what he may have said, then tell me is it really true?" I interrup him.
As he struggled to think, he fell more lost.
"Sam I'm panicking here"
"Ayat I have to go" He walked closer to me, his hand enveloped my ear, his hand being big enough to cover half my face as a tear gently ran down my chin.
"Don't worry sweetheart, you're alright. I will never let anything bad happen to you" His gaze softens.
"Where were you?"
"We'll talk later okay? I promise." He was about to walk passed me when I forcefully pulled his forearm. He's not his normal self, he's in a rush.
"Promises are meant to be kept. Tell me now, what actually is your work?" I ask, I'm stressing out.
His face narrowed, eyes squinted and he sighed a quiet breath.
"You're asking because you already know what we do. let that sink in first." That's all he says.
"I want to hear you say it. What. Do. You do." I ask, this time firmly.
He leaned his face closer to mine. "I'm a money laundering asshole." He said it in a pathetic tone.
"You didn't even try to be kind?" I'm shocked.
"Because I don't have much time left Ayat!" He raised his voice, to which I blinked in shock.
Maybe the whole situation is wrong.
"Sweetheart, I'm running out of time." This time he bites back his shout.
Without letting me say anything else he moved inside, finding whatever he's so desperate for.
"Ayat where is it?" He's knocking everything down.
"Where is what? Sam yilmaz, you look at me when I'm talking to you" I raise my voice.
"My gun!"
The gun he said he had assurance for. That's what he's looking for.
"Sam what the hell is going on. You're terrifying me." I panic.
"Please sweetheart just tell me where it is, I promise I'll clear everything later" He didn't even look at me. Kept looking everywhere.
The scar dude was right. He only cares about himself. He's thinking of leaving me behind.
My heart broke. He doesn't care about me.
-SAM-
"That's it, breath in for a second Sam." Ayat stood infront me, blocking my back out.
"Ayat I have to have that gun immediately." I try to be as calm as I could, when all I feel is rage, its getting harder for me to keep my calm, I need to get out. I need to fucking end Faisal's life.
"What is it that you're going after with this amount of anger?" She's panicking.
"I can't tell you. I can't cause you more pain." I move her aside.
"You guys work for drug dealers?!"
"This shouldn't be your concern right now. Far worse can happen in the next 24 hours." I tell her. I know she's scared, but she has to be considerate right now.
I'll fucking kill Faisal or be killed by him.
"Sam you out of everyone should
understand better than anyone, how drugs and alcohol make people behave to their families, and here you are not only using them, but actually selling them to more people, so they could do the same to their children? You want more kids to go through the same pain, the same trauma we did? What are you guys, sick? Damaged? Ruined? The hell?" She raised her voice.
I sighed intensely. Guess we're having this conversation after all. I turned around to look at her.
"Even if we don't sell them, others will. We were kids, we had to make money some how to live through this fucked up life. It's not our fault they buy it, even if we don't produce them, they'll find it somewhere else to buy from. Besides, alcohol is just an excuse for abusive people to put their blame on. I drink, I do drugs, you don't see me hurting anyone? It's not the drugs that make abusiveness happen in this world. Its the people themselves that create the messes they blame on alcohol." I said it all in one setting, because I'm pissed.
"It's all about your revenge isn't it." She released my arm.
"I get that it's harsh on you but I can't no more lie to you. Yes It is all about my vengeance." I look down at my feet.
"Did you use us?" Her voice broke. "Did you take advantage of Ifan's innocence?"
What is she saying?
"Victor got to your head, he misguided you." I sigh.
"Then guide me right!"
"If only I had time!"
"That doesn't matter. Sam what matters is my brother getting stabbed in between, our brother getting dragged in your vengeance!"
"You don't know anything." My jaw clenched and an unintended scowl grew on my face.
I don't have much time to explain her everything.
"Just because your father was killed, doesn't give you the fucking right to use me and my brother for you own advantage!" She threw her hand up in the air.
"Ayat Shut up! You have no fucking idea what its been like to be in your skin yet incomplete!" I lose my cool. She has no idea what I've lost. I've always been that way, I warned her, I told her I'm not the person she thought I was. My aim has always been clear, the same.
She took a step closer. "Make me" She squints her eyes.
Ah fuck no, I drop everything I had in my hands and pulled her in as I crashed my lips with hers, parting her lips with my own. For a blink of a second she doesn't move back and even is tempted to kiss me back. The soft touch of her lips that I might never be able to cherish again makes me want to kiss her even more passionately, she clutched my shirt tightly pulling it to her, my hand finds its way to her waist and I pull her even closer, my body clashed against hers. Our lower abdomen touched, and both our eyes became teary. A single silent tear fell down my face.
But then suddenly she pushed me back intensely to somewhat came to her mind, maybe the realisation that this isn't right.
I didn't expect her to slap me but she did and I got paused for a moment.
What—My heart's racing, I want to wrap my arms around her and put my head down on her lap and cry till my body can no longer afford more tears, till she hugs me back and tell me that everything's going to be okay.
I can't lose her not like this. I can't afford to lose her. I don't have much left to lose. She's standing there looking at me with remorse. My head facing down. I just can't seem to make an eye contact with her right now.
"Look me in the eye and tell me whatever that Victor said to me was a lie"
Damnit.
Fucking Victor told her everything. He wanted me to see in pain.
This was his final move to destory me.
First Ifan
Then Faisal
And now Ayat.
I'm going to fucking rip his heart open.
I again was about to leave her behind but she grasped my forearm tighter. She wants me to reassure her. I can clear the truth but I'm on the verge of murdering Faisal, and no good can come out of that for her. There's nothing that will stop me now, and so I say nothing to her.
I want to but I say nothing, not right now, I can't. Faisal's there waiting for me, I won't cause her more trouble. I can't put her life in danger even after knowing what Faisal is capable of, I can't be that stupid. I know if I tell her, she's going to want to come with me or follow me. I can't with my own hands create a way to death for her. I'd rather have her hate me my whole life than to get her killed because of me. I wont be able to live with that.
I don't know where my life will lead me after this. I don't even know if I'll be able to survive this, I'm always going to stay a mess and she's too beautiful for me. I did everything I could to give my father the peace he always deserved, but at what cost though, if I would've known my loss would be this huge, that my loss would be losing her, I might've thrown my revenge in the sea where my parents were thrown. But I'm in too deep now to back up now. I lost too much to let Faisal get away with everything he did now.
Without murdering him, I'll be a coffin with nothing, just the ability to breathe.
My mother would've absolutely loved Ayat. Fuck I can't lose her.
"Say he's a liar, just tell me what he said was not true, you know I'd believe your word over anyone else's." She held my hand and pressed it to her heart, it's beating crazy.
Ah my baby. I'm so sorry I dragged you into my mess.
"Please don't do this to me Sam, I can't lose what we have, I don't have much left in me." She's weeping, shaky breaths in between every sentence.
I love you.
"I really don't. I'm admiting it, I can't face this a.. alone. You were the one person I saw as someone who would never hurt me." She whimpers.
My hand in hers stayed like that, I still said nothing. I remain silent, looking down at my feet.
Her expression turned staid, her eyebrows pulled down. "Damn you" She dropped my hand "Get out, I said get the fuck out of my house!" She's shoving me to get me out of here but I'm stronger than her, she struggled to kick me out, after many pushes and hits she stands back, with heavy panicked breathing.
"You betrayed me." She cries.
I'm keeping you safe.
And I really wish I could say that out loud but that'd change things and I don't want you to follow me. So I'm saving you again. I'm doing it all over again. And she'll be left behind to all the loneliness in the world all over again. I'm casuing her pain. Yet fucking again it's me who is causing her pain. It's somehow always me who made her cry. I don't deserve her. I never did, I don't know what I fucking thought when I took a chance to get into this whole relationship with her. I should've stayed away, it's my fucking fault. I'm to blame and none other.
"I love you" my voice broke, the first time I say these words to her knowing she'll never say them back to me.
She's silent, I look at her, tears fall down her face. "I don't" The stiffness in her voice shattered my heart but she's not the one to blame, that's good, hate me, just don't follow me. I should've never touched her in the first place, If I had known Faisal would be the person I've been looking for my whole life, I would've never involved Ayat and Ifan with me.
Fuck I ruined them, and now their eyes are ruining me, but I have to stand strong to finish all of this once and for all.
I did this to me. not her, she has every right to throw me away like trash. Though her eyes don't match with her words, I'd rather prefer her lie to my face than to convince me to stay.
Because I can't stay.
I have to save your brother from Victor. You'll hate me forever if anything happens to him. I'll hate myself forever too.
But it's better if you both hate me. It'd be better that way.
Kill yourself Kill yourself.
Anger is bad luck and you summoned that unlucky fate upon you.
Kill yourself Kill yourself.
"Promise me you'll try to forgive me." I say.
"What?" She blinks tears down.
I forced her hand away from my forearm and I thundered out, leaving her behind.
I slammed the door behind me. Climbed into my car and sped away. The sun went down. Its ten pm. Its dark, not just the sky but every vision in me turned dark.
"What really am I to you?"
"You—feel like a cure."
My car's tires screeched as it took the sharp turn, its speedometer needle quivering at the far end of the dial. My knuckles turm white as I gripped the staring wheel, my eyes fixed intently on the road ahead. I'm gasping so hard I can bearly breathe. My throat is a threat to me, its creaking, its bleeding, its stuck in a chain, sucking the live out of me.
"Son it's seven in the morning, What exactly are you proving?"
"But you always wake up this early for your jog." I grin.
"Except there isn't usually a man sized bird tweeting on my head." Sir can really joke when he's in the mood.
What the fuck Faisal.
I refuse to believe it. My mind is collapsing into chaos.
Not him.
Not him please.
I beg you universe, anyone but him.
"I got the product"
"You think I care more about some product than your life?!"
"Look what he did to you." His eyes grew fond.
"I'm okay—" Before I could complete what I was saying, Mr Faisal grazed his hand on the bruise.
Baba.
The speed limit sign blurred together as the car devours the asphalt, its engine growling.
"You're the most precious person to me Sam."
All I can hear is his stone cold voice with a hint of appreciation and love for me.
"Damnit b..bullshit!" I punched the dashboard. My foot smashed the accelerator, pushing it to its limits. My leg restlessly shaking, my knuckles bleeding, sweat drips down my neck, my forehead got pale, I'm running out of breath, all the fucking oxygen is sucked out of me, my chest feels too heavy to sigh down, to even breath. My throat is exploding, my eyes are trying hard adjusting to the road but everything's getting blurry.
"You have a huge nose"
"Your eyes are in the wrong direction"
"You're 5 foot tall"
"Try being 5'4"
"Well I think your height looks pretty good on you."
"Team work?"
"Oh yeah!"
Ifan and I took the chance we had and made the biggest water balloon splat on Faiza and Ayat, both of them shriek, gasping, Ifan and I burst out laughing.
I lost everyone in a fucking day. How will I go back to Ayat if I make it out alive.
I lost everything, my hunger to haunt down your past baba led me nowhere. Lost, dried out, f..fucked up.
The trees lining the road became a green blur, their branches whipping past the windows in a maddening manner. My face is set in a painful grim, my jaw clenched.
"Keep Living in dreams."
"Which one of us?"
"For the first time- watching you bleed isn't hurting me."
"Well I guess that makes two of us."
"If you can't have it, we can't have it"
"Why would you talk back to him when you know he's a dog." A silent tear fell down Ifan's face.
"Bro don't cry. It doesn't even hurt that much." I wipe his tear. "your eye is getting purple, its swelling"
"Ifan.. If.. Ifan" I rush to find my phone, my hand shivering, my phone slipped from my hand, for a split second my gaze went busy in finding my phone as I kept shaking. Suddenly, my car's tires lost traction on a patch of loose gravel, I lift my face back up and I see the rear end swung wildly, tires smoking as I struggled to regain control.
But it was too late.How I'm always late.
With a sickening crunch, I couldn't control it, and my car's front bumper struck a sturdy oak tree, the impact throwing me forward against the steering wheel. The airbag exploded with a loud whoosh.The engine sputtered and died, while the wheels kept spinning lazily as the car came to a stop.
"Sam honey" My mother's sweet voice.
I slumped back in my seat, stunned and disoriented, as the reality of my reckless to follow a path which had no end called happily hit me. That revenge is a fucked up solution and shouldn't even be considered, every thought slowly sank in as I stayed harmed, and cursed. I feel a wet sensation dripping down through my ear. I touch my forehead to realise I'm bleeding. I try to gain my cautionness. But the darkness closed in around me, a suffocating shroud that threatened to consume me whole.
A suddan realisation that I really indeed, in fact was trying to find a father figure in Faisal threw me offgarurd and I immediately opened my side of the door, throwing myself out on the dirt. Even though my body didn't support me getting up, I in dizziness got on my feet.
Son..
Fucking son he used to call me!
I kicked the tire, the rubber screeching, my foot smashed into the windshield, the glass shattering, tears streamed down my face. My chest heaved with sobs as I led back and dropped on my knees.
My body refused to feel many or any connection to its my brain.
It's like I got shut down.
Every moral, every view I had escaped my body in a minute.
I don't feel human.
All I feel is wehshat and the thought of my gun placed on Faisal's forehead. Of me digging it deeper.
All the voices in my head telling me to kill him.
I'm going to fucking kill him, and everyone who gets in my way of doing it.
I see the petrol running out of the car. The numbness got to me and I took out my lighter.
I'm not afraid of you anymore Faisal.
I throw the lighter over the petroleum. Stepping far back from it.
The car exploded in a huge thunder noise. Caught on fire. Ignited at extreme, Burning, and charring.
"MOM DON'T COME CLOSER!"
Fire.
That's all I'll ever have.
I'm going to kill Faisal with my own bear hands, and so if that makes me a villain, so be it.
Everything changed me.
I would let the fire I have in me, burn my soul and dignity. I'll make sure they see the monster they've hid in me. I won't cage myself. I won't relive what my father lived, not like him, not for an another eternity..