The sound of the gunshot echoed through the snow, and the cold no longer seemed the worst of the problems. The pain was sudden, piercing, but it didn't last long. I felt my body fail, my vision darken, and soon, nothing existed anymore.
Silence. Darkness. That familiar emptiness.
Then... air.
I took a deep breath, feeling my lungs fill as if for the first time. I blinked, recognizing my surroundings: I was standing again, in the same place where I had said goodbye to Anneliese. The sky was still cloudy, the icy wind blew the same way, and my hands were shaking, but not from the cold.
"No... Not again..." I whispered, looking around, my heart beating fast.
There was no sign of Kaji. No sign of danger. Only him. Alive. With everything starting over from that point on. The weight of death was still in my memory, the heat of the blood in my chest, the helplessness, the fear.
But now the question arose: why did Kaji kill me? And... will it happen again?
I stood still for a few more moments, trying to process it. I knew I could no longer pretend that his presence was harmless. He had discovered something. And he was willing to kill me.
I clenched my fists. I had to act more cautiously... but I also needed to understand: what did Kaji want to prove?
And why did he seem so certain that I "didn't exist" there?
The game had definitely changed.
I staggered back as reality caught up with me completely. The cutting wind from Germany hit my face, but I barely felt it, my fingers trembling as they touched my chest, exactly where, moments ago, a bullet had pierced my body.
Nothing. No hole. No blood. But the pain... The phantom pain still throbbed, as if my soul was still trying to remember what it was like to die.
"This can't be happening…" I whispered to myself, almost voiceless, still panting.
The memory came back vividly. Kaji. His serious gaze. His cold, almost gentle voice. The gun. The dry sound of the gunshot.
I took a step back. And that's when the second shot came.
A dry crack. My vision spun, and everything went black before I could understand.
...
Darkness.
A void with no time, no pain, no color. Just nothingness. And then…
Breathing.
I gasped again, like someone taking a deep breath after a long swim. I blinked hard, and once again, reality fell into place.
There I was. In the same place. In the same cold wind. The bare trees in the distance, the icy ground beneath my feet. It was the same scene as before, with one brutal difference: now he was panicking.
"A-Again?!" I screamed, my voice trembling.
My body fell to my knees. My hands frantically ran over my forehead, where I had felt the last burst of pain. No wound. No blood. But the memory of the impact... the feeling of life being ripped away... was embedded in every fiber of my being.
I was shaking. Not from the cold, but from fear. From helplessness. From despair.
I looked around, my eyes wide. Where was Kaji now? Was he there, somewhere, taking aim again?
"This isn't just death… this is execution."
The reality of what was happening hit me hard: someone knew too much. Kaji. And he didn't hesitate to pull the trigger. How many times would I die before I managed to escape? Before I understood why?
"I came back here again… Kaji didn't even show up. But… why? Why did he kill me without hesitation this time? What did he see in me?"
And the scariest part: he might try again.
I couldn't trust anyone anymore. At least, not until I understood what was at stake.
I stood up slowly, feeling the weight of death, not just one, but two on my back. I tightened the jacket Anneliese had given me and began walking back, silently, with my eyes wide open. The cold of Germany was biting, but nothing compared to the cold that now inhabited his heart.
The dry sound of the gunshot echoed again...
PAF!
But this time, I was prepared.
Without hesitation, I grabbed the lid of an old trash can I had found near the wall and used it as an improvised shield. The impact of the projectile pushed me back, the metallic echo of the gunshot vibrating in my arms.
"D-Damn it…!" I screamed without thinking.
I didn't have time to think. Instinct spoke louder. His feet moved on their own, and he ran through the narrow streets of the province, diving into one of the damp, poorly lit alleys. My heart was beating like war drums, my lungs burning in the freezing air.
The shadows seemed to swallow me as I ran, stumbling through garbage bags, stacked boxes, and gravel. The sound of my pursuer's boots—or maybe just the weight of his paranoia—hammered behind me.
I ducked behind a metal ladder and gasped, trying to control my breathing. I clutched the metal lid to my chest as if it were my last line of defense.
"He shot… again…" I whispered through gritted teeth. "Will he keep trying… until I stop coming back? No… I can't die again now… I need to think."
My mind spinned. It was Kaji. That version of it. But what if… it always happened? What if that was the real reason for my coming to Germany?
I felt my eyes fill with tears. Not of fear, but of pure frustration.
I didn't want to die again.
I wanted answers.
I barely had time to react.
While I was still trying to get out of the alley, panting and scared, Kaji emerged like a shadow -shaped figure, and in a second, his fist hit my stomach.
The impact made the air escape from my lungs. It falls to your knees with a moan, the trash lid rolling away.
"You're running away from me ... Curious, aren't you?" Kaji said, panting, but with that same cold and determined tone. "How did you feel my presence?"
I was shaking trying to get up.
"P-why ... are you doing this ...? I didn't do anything ..."
"I have my reasons, boy ..." Kaji tilted his head, his eyes evaluating me as if he was looking at something that made no sense. "You are a walking mystery, boy. There are no official records, there is no country of clear origin, has no medical history. You just ... it appeared."
I tried to drag my body away, but then
PAF!
The sound of the shooting was dry and straightforward.
The pain came a moment later.
"Aaaaaaargh !!" I shouted with my right leg yielding, I fell sideways.
And right afterwards
Another shot. PAF!
In the left thigh.
The pain was unbearable. I shouted, writhing on the cold floor of the alley.
Kaji walked to me slowly, keeping the gun.
"I won't kill you now." He said. "But I'll make sure you don't run away before telling me who you really are."
I trembled, the blood dripping through the pants, my eyes wide, not fear of pain, but the terror of knowing that I could die again. And come back again.
"You may not talk now ..." Kaji said, bending to face me. "But sooner or later ... I'll find out."
I was thrown on the cold floor of the alley, my body trembled involuntarily, both the cold and the launching pain that radiated from its legs. The blood slowly dripped, forming small puddles over me, staining my pants and the floor below. The sky above seemed distant, opaque, as if the whole world had lost color.
Kaji approached slowly, the still severe gaze, but something in his expression hesitated. There was doubt there. Maybe even pity. But he still squeezed the gun in his hands.
The shadow of the man projected himself over the injured boy.
"Are you from any enemy country, Natsuki Subaru?" He asked in a firm voice, crouching, his closest face. "Is it here as a spy? Any agent sent to infiltrate the nerve?"
I stared at him with turf eyes, full of tears. My breathing was unzipped, my chest was rising and descended irregularly.
"I ... I don't understand ..." I whispered choked "I don't know what you're talking about ..."
"Then explain to me." Kaji's gun touched my chest, still hot from the last shot. "You speak Japanese perfectly, but there is no record. There is no history of vaccination, school, nothing. You fell from the sky?"
I shook my head desperately. "N-no! I swear! I don't know anything ... I just wanted to help!"
The words came out in sobs. My body was collapsing, the panic eroding my nerves. I tried to keep my eyes open, but the pain made him dizzy. My heart was beating too strong.
"I just want to help ... I'm as confused as you ..." I muttered, hot tears dripping through my pale face "I just ... I don't want to die ..."
This last sentence came out almost like an involuntary whisper, but Kaji heard.
"It's a pity ..." Kaji repeated, narrowing her eyes. "I just follow orders ..."
Kaji fell silent for a moment. The silence got heavy. The wind blew cold between the narrow buildings.
"You're in shock ..." He said, and for a moment his expression softened. "But that doesn't change the fact that you are a threat until it proves otherwise."
He lifted the gun again, aimed on my head.
I cried, my twisted face in despair. I didn't want to die, not again, not there, not now.
"If you really are just a lost boy ... I'm sorry." Kaji said, pulling the trigger.
The shooting echoed.
And everything darkened again.
After that, I tried many times, were deaths and more deaths, many attempts failure.
***
I woke up once again with the cold cutting my face and the sky of Germany above me. It was like falling into a repeated, cruel and unbearable nightmare. My breath came in sobs, my eyes opening slowly, feeling the ardor of the dry tears on the face. The ninth death ...
The cold of death was still in the bones of my body, when I opened my eyes for the ninth time. He no longer remembered the feeling of waking up without pain, without fear. My body still remembered the impacts, the bullets, the falls, the shouts that were never heard. I took a deep inspiration the air seemed denser now.
Nine times.
Nine violent, quick, humiliating deaths. Fire. Shots. Falls. Punches. The pain no longer shocked him as before, but now it left a much deeper mark: Constant fear. Hopelessness.
But on that return, something was different. I didn't scream, I didn't run, I didn't move in despair.
I stayed still. Lying down for longer than necessary, as if I were just a boy fallen to the ground by the snow or exhausted from sleep. My body trembled inside, but I forced my breathing to follow a calm rhythm.
I was back at the same spot: the alley between the gray buildings of the NERV base in Germany. There was something ironic about that repetitive, almost cruel return. But this time, I didn't let myself get carried away. I didn't cry. I didn't panic. I stayed quiet. Very quiet.
He had already learned.
The first time, Kaji had hesitated. This time, I hadn't shown fear and that bought me precious extra minutes. But since then, every slip, every gesture of terror, every attempt to escape or lie... everything turned into an even more obvious prey. It was fear that gave it away. And Kaji smelled fear like a born hunter.
I sat calmly next to the trash can, still with the iron lid close, not as a shield now, but as a symbol of the small lesson learned. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, controlling my breathing.
"Stay calm..." I whispered to myself. "Don't show fear. Every second is precious."
I sat down slowly, rubbing my eyes. My muscles still remembered the past pains, they were no longer real, but I carried them like a ghost.
"Kaji... he hunts me like I was an animal. He watches me, as if I were a threat. If I despair, I become easy prey. But if I calm down... maybe I can stay alive longer."
I looked around. The street was silent. I knew Kaji was close by. He always was. But not yet.
I stood up slowly, taking a few steps without showing any agitation. The cold enveloped him, but I held on to the warmest jacket Anneliese had given me, that version of her was still with me.
"Every second I manage to delay... is one more second to think. To act."
I walked slowly, trying to look like just a curious boy looking at the city's architecture.
Inside, I thought frantically: "I need to find someone before he finds me. Or a place to hide. Or... or convince him. But that will only work if I have time."
I looked at the clock on the street and saw that I still had approximately four minutes before Kaji appeared. This seemed to be a pattern: I always appeared at that same point in the timeline, like a predator guided by instinct. Every second was precious.
"I need to use this time... I need to think!"
With quick steps, but trying not to seem too agitated, I went to the NERV building where I was staying and climbed the stairs to my room. My fingers trembled a little as I turned the doorknob, but I forced myself to remain calm; I couldn't seem desperate, not even to myself.
As I entered, I locked the door.
I looked around: my suitcase, the made bed, the Beako doll still on the pillow, as always. That tightened my chest. I walked over to her, taking her in my hands, feeling a slight comfort.
"Protect me..."
I took a deep breath, trying to gather anything useful. I opened drawers, searched my backpack. I found the mp3 player Shinji had given me, still with the headphones. I found some papers, a pen, a small pocketknife, something Kaji could easily ignore, but that could be useful. He took everything. I stuffed the objects in my pockets. "I need to understand what he wants. He suspects me... and wants answers. But if I explain myself badly, he'll kill me. If I run away, he'll kill me. If I keep quiet... he'll kill me."
My heart was pounding in my chest.
I went to the small bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
The boy staring back at me was no longer the same one who had come the first time. "If I can't fight with strength... then I need to win with cunning."
Two minutes had passed.
I sat on the edge of the bed, with Beako in my hands and the mp3 in my ears, but no music. It was all an act.
Pretending to be calm.
Pretending to know nothing.
Pretending to be just another ordinary boy.
But inside, I was ready to react at the first move.
If Kaji showed up... this time, I wouldn't die in vain.
I was startled by the sudden knock on the door, my body reacted with a small jolt, but I quickly disguised it, taking a deep breath and fixing my hair as if I was just sleepy.
I carefully unlocked the door and opened it.
"Ah... Asuka?!" I tried to sound natural, with a half smile on my face. "Good morning... or... is it late already? I lost track of time a little."
Asuka was there, with her arms crossed, her gaze slightly diverted, as if gathering the courage to say something. Her face looked more tense than usual, and his typical aggressive posture was softened, but only a little.
"Idiot ..." She started, without looking straight. "That letter ... that thing you left on my door ..."
I kept the disguise. My heart was hitting hard, but I forced you to smile and take a step sideways, offering it to get in the room with the hope that you might be further delayed Kaji's arrival.
"Oh is ... About that?" He tried to keep his voice low, serene. "Did you read?"
Asuka crossed her arms harder. The flushing light on her face denounced yes, she had read and that had moved her. "Do you think just because you write these things ... that everything comes back to normal?
I felt a knot in my throat. For a moment, I almost forgot the deadly situation around him. The sincerity he tried to pass on the letter, even though he knew he could never have been read, now he was back as an echo.
"I didn't write that waiting for a beautiful answer, Asuka ..." I said calmly, sitting again on the bed. "I just wanted you to know ... that even if we fight, even if it's hard ... I really want to understand you."
Asuka was stopped for a few seconds. The silence between us was strange almost uncomfortable. Until she released a grumbling: "Idiot ..." I repeated, with less anger and more ... embarrassment.
She turned, walked to the door, but before leaving, stopped and said almost in a whisper: "The doll ... Beako. Who gave you it ... should trust you a lot."
I was stopped for a moment, absorbing that. A hot feeling mingled with the cold of fear that still dominated me. And then, as a reality shot:
The clock marked that the four minutes had spent a long time.
I got up slowly, locked the door once more, pushed the dresser against her and took a deep breath.
As soon as the clock pointer pointed to the beginning of another silent cycle, I made an immediate decision:
I couldn't be alone.
And if there was someone who could serve as a conscious "shield" or not against Kaji, that person was Asuka.
Humpered from the room, ignoring the sharp cold that entered the hallway windows and went straight after her. He knew she would probably be in the training room, or perhaps just reading any technical book to feed her perfectionism.
I found it near the cafeteria, stirring a hot drink, with a few friends. I approached a forced smile, trying to hide the tremor on my fingers.
"Hey ... Asuka. Are you busy now?"
She raised an eyebrow. That was strange from him. After the letter and the last clash, I still looked hesitant. But now she was there, with her eyes fixed on her, as if she had a lot of her presence.
"Do you want ... what?" Asuka asked, suspiciously.
"Well, there's no one of my age but you ... it's better than being alone."
"Ha? Out of nowhere?!" She snorted, taking a sip of the drink. "What kind of low blow is this after that tacky letter?"
"None of that." I tried to laugh but came out more like a nervous sigh. "Just ... I wanted to enjoy the time with you better. I have no other chance."
Asuka stared at me with an expression mixed between surprise and irritation. "Okay, idiot. But if you follow me a dog all day, I'll stick this glass in your head."
We spent time in the simulation room, I watched Asuka testing, then she dragged me to a local grocery store inside the base of the nerve, and later went to an artificial garden underground, used for pilots relaxation.
I kept the eye on the clock. Any minute. No ambush. No death. Nothing.
Kaji didn't dare to approach when I was by the Asuka.
Asuka, on the other hand, began to be surprised. At first she thought I was just trying to redeem himself, but that looked more intense ... more urgent.
"Are you following me?" She asked, in the late afternoon, when the two were sitting on a bench near a flower greenhouse, one of the few bright colors in that metallic and cold environment.
I hesitated. I looked at her. She saw a little frustration in his eyes, but also a dash of sincere curiosity.
I wanted to tell the truth, which was being hunted. That she was unknowingly the only shield that prevented the blade from falling. She wouldn't believe me, since Kaji is very close to her.
But I only answered with something lighter: "Ah, today I'm more needy."
Asuka looked at me, with slightly blocked cheeks and soon looked away.
"Idiot..."
But she didn't leave. That afternoon, for the first time in many loops, I had a real chance of breathing.
The sky already had the buildings of a cold orange, typical of the German afternoons. The breeze cut the installation alleys like small needles, and I felt every wind of the wind even under the jacket. Even though he tried to keep the same smile as always, his steps were hesitant, the cold sweat was already accumulating at the back of his neck, and the weight of the expectation of a new death seemed to push him against the ground every moment.
Asuka walked beside me, more silent than usual. She wasn't the type who ignored her own instincts, and something was deeply irritating the girl.
"You are weird." She said dryly, stopping in front of the door of our accommodation. I forced a laugh.
"Strange? Me? Nah ... I'm just trying to enjoy the day. Maybe Germany's air is moving my head ..."
"It has nothing to do with the air ..." She replied, turning the doorknob and pushing the door.
I entered just behind her, still with that uncomfortable smile on her face. That gesture that tried to hide fear, like a fragile curtain before a approaching storm. Asuka took off her shoes tightly, as if trying to discount accumulated frustration in them. She closed the door with a higher snap than he should, then turned with her arms crossed.
"Stop it!."
I widened my eyes.
"W-what ...?"
"Sit." She said, in a firm voice, pointing to the floor of the small room.
I looked around, as if I sought an excuse or escape. But there was none. And her tone of her voice made it clear: she wasn't asking. "O-Hey, I'm not a dog."
"Now, Subaru. Sit on the floor."
My smile has faltered, finally breaking. I took a deep breath, trembling, and then obeyed. I knelt slowly, as if that simple act were the foreshadowing of something much bigger.
Asuka stood, with her arms crossed, looking at me as if she tried to decipher an invisible puzzle.
Asuka remained there, standing before him, her arms crossed, looking at me sitting on the floor. For a moment she was silent. My gaze was no longer annoyed as before I was confused… tense… almost distressed. She was trying to understand. As if something in her had finally started to capture what I tried to hide.
"… Won't you say anything?" I asked forcing that tired smile once again.
Asuka frowned.
"Shut up." She said firmly.
"Huh?"
"Stop that, Subaru. Stop trying to look good. Stop forcing this crap with a smile… I'm not an idiot."
The smile has broken down for good.
"You're pale, your voice is shaking, and you look over your shoulder as if someone would attack you anytime. I know that look. It's the look of those who are on the verge of breaking."
I tried to hide my face with my hand, but Asuka knelt before him, holding firmly on my arm.
My eyes filled with the water, and unable to hold back, I just lowered my head. Silently, as if every tear were a piece of pain that I carried alone all this time.
Asuka remained there in silence. She said nothing more. Just stayed with me, as if your presence was enough. As if she knew deep down that I didn't need answers at that moment… just someone who saw him.
I tried to disguise the emotion, cleaning my face with sleeves as I took a deep breath, trying to recompose myself. Still, my eyes were red, and the tension in the body denounced the accumulated tiredness that I pretended not to feel.
Asuka, beside me, looked away, squeezing his knees with his hands. The silence between us became a small refuge, where no charge existed. But in an unexpected and clearly uncomfortable gesture for her, Asuka ran a hand over my hair and, with a slight push, made him lie her head on her lap, between her thighs.
"I-it's nothing much!" She said quickly, blushing hard. "It's just because you're with such a ridiculous face that it's giving me nerves! And ... and I don't want you to fall hard here in the middle of the floor, what a shame it would be!"
I froze for a second, surprised. I almost turned my face to face her, but even before trying, Asuka said fast, "Don't you dare look up again, heard?! If you look, I'll kill you. Really."
Even with the threat, her voice came out low, almost shy, and the way she looked away made it clear that it was the best she could do was her way of taking care.
I smile, a real smile this time. Small, still a little sad, but genuine.
"Thank you, Asuka ..."
She snorted, turning her face.
"Shut up and rest soon, idiot."
And there, with the sky of Germany dyed with dark tones and a cold breeze cutting the base buildings, I closed my eyes. For a moment, as short it was.
"B-But it's not time to rest…" I mumbled, looking at the ceiling, as if talking to myself. "There's too much going on. I haven't solved anything yet… not yet. If I stop now, everything could fall apart. I… I need to keep going."
My voice was shaky. It was as if I was trying to convince myself. Each word was a denial to my own body, the mental exhaustion began to consume my muscles and my heart. But, as I spoke, I began to feel something soft on my head.
Asuka's fingers. Playing with my hair slowly. A rhythmic, almost automatic caress.
She didn't answer. She didn't retort. She didn't call him an idiot, or tell me to shut up. She simply stood there, with her eyes lowered and a calm expression, touching my hair with a gentleness I never imagined seeing in that girl.
I swallowed hard. I felt my throat tighten.
"You're not even fighting with me…" he said softly, almost voiceless. "You're not even calling me useless... Or cursing me in German..."
Asuka remained silent, her gaze fixed on the empty spot in front of her. But her fingers didn't stop. With each touch, I felt more fragile. More human. As if, for a moment, I was allowed to be tired.
And that's when I began to realize. That those hands, that silence... were more sincere than any words of encouragement. She was listening to everything. She didn't need to understand completely. She was just there. Without demanding, without asking.
"You... are listening to me, right?" I whispered.
Her fingers paused for a brief moment, and then started again, this time with a little more firmness, as if to say: "Yes."
I closed my eyes again, and this time not because I was running away but because, finally, I allowed myself to stop. Even if it was just for a little while.
"If you keep this up..." Subaru let out, with a weak smile, trying to lighten the mood "I-I'm going to end up falling in love with you, Asuka-chan..."
I expected the inevitable. A scream. A slap. A curse. It was Asuka, after all. But the silence that followed was what scared him the most.
Nothing.
I cautiously opened one eye, expecting to see her huffing or her face red with anger. But no. She was still there, looking straight ahead, slowly moving her hair with an expression that was hard to decipher. Serious, calm... maybe even a little melancholic.
That completely disarmed me. By reflex, I turned a little to get a better look at her face, and only then did I realize: Asuka was blushing. Not much, but enough to make her cheeks visibly hot.
She turned her face to the side, her hands still in my hair, but now a little more tense.
I didn't say anything. I didn't need to. The absence of a slap was already a very clear and unexpectedly sweet answer. My heart was beating faster. Not because of fear, this time. But because of something that even I didn't fully understand. Something new. Something that made me feel alive, even in the midst of chaos.
Asuka remained quiet. But the fact that she didn't deny it said more than any words.
I still had my head lying between Asuka's thighs, the silence between us was comfortable for the first time. The cold of Germany seemed distant there, in that dimly lit room, while both of our breathing maintained a calm and sincere rhythm.
"By the way..." Asuka said suddenly, breaking the silence with her voice a little softer than usual. "That drawing. The one you left with the letter... I thought it was kind of cute."
My eyes widened for a second. I hadn't expected to hear that from her mouth.
"Really?" I asked, surprised and trying not to sound too excited. "I thought you were going to rip it up and throw it out the window."
Asuka snorted, but with a small smile on her face.
"I thought about doing this... but I decided to keep it. It's... too cute to throw away." She said, looking away once more.
I stayed silent, absorbing it with a warm heart. It was rare to hear this kind of thing from Asuka or anyone else, and I knew I should treasure it.
"And do you... do you have anything like that? Something you hold dear?" I asked with genuine curiosity.
Asuka hesitated for a moment, her hand stopping playing with my hair.
"I do." She said, almost inaudibly. "A doll. Not that it's any of your business, but she's prettier than Baeko..." she added quickly, trying to regain her composure, as if she had said something too embarrassing.
I looked up, with a smile more sincere than any I had given in the last few days. "If she heard that, she'd probably get really angry."
She let out a low "idiot." but didn't pull away from me. And she didn't stop stroking my hair. "It's not like she'd come alive to hear me say that or anything..."
A deep silence fell over the room. Only the distant sound of the wind hitting the window could be heard. I with my eyes closed, I thought that moment of peace had come to an end. The caresses in my hair had ceased, and I thought Asuka had been again ... herself.
But then he felt the warmth of her breathing approach her ear. The voice came low, almost a whisper, loaded with something I had never heard in it before: empathy.
"It's been hard, right ... Barusu?"
I froze. It was not for the loving form, although mocking as she called me. It was the way those words crossed him. They resonated like an echo that touched the most hidden part of me. I tried to smile, as I always did.
"Hah ... what kind of nickname this is, you crazy ..." I laugh nervously trying to disguise. But the laugh came out shaken. The throat was squeezed. My eyes, tear. The nose starting to drain.
But the laughs did not last. The tremors on his shoulders began, and before he could stop, a tear escaped. Then another. And then they all came at once.
"I ... I don't ...
It has been so difficult ...
I thought I could keep pretending ...
smiling...
Trying to keep me up ...
As if nothing was wrong ... "
Asuka said nothing. He just continued with his hand over his head, and that was enough.
But my voice has faltered. And at the next moment, the forced laugh broke and a contained sob came out, as if his throat betrayed him. I tried to stifle, arrest, disguise. But the tide came strong. One tear flowed, then another. In a short time, I could no longer contain. It was crying.
"Sorry ..." I whispered among the sobs. "I'm really sorry ... I just ... I don't know what else to do. I try ... I try so much ... all the time ... and yet ... it looks like it's never enough.
Asuka said nothing. Just tightened my head between her legs
"I wake up every day and keep trying to fit into this world ... I miss home. Here it seems that everything escapes from my hands! I always seem that I'm failing, that I'm a weight. I'm smiling, trying to make joke, pretending to be all right ... it's ridiculous ..." ""
I was shaking. The voice barely left now.
"It's lonely. It's suffocating. And sometimes ... Sometimes I just wanted someone to say it's okay. That I can rest, just a little. Just a minute. That ... I don't need to carry it all alone."
Asuka was still silent, but her hand caressed my hair again. She lowered her head a little, leaning her forehead on the top of his, closing her eyes.
"Barusu ... You're really an idiot ..." She whispered, but there was a tenderness hidden in those words.
I cried. Shameless. No masks. As if it had kept it too long. There, for the first time in days, maybe weeks, I allowed myself to cry
My body gave way to tiredness, the accumulated tension of the numerous attempts, fears, pain. And so, with still teary eyes, breathing softly and irregularly, I fell asleep right there, with my head resting on the girl's lap that, until recently, looked just another wall difficult to climb.
Asuka was still kneeling on the floor in silence. Her fingers slid slowly through the dark strands of her hair, as if each movement was a way of protecting me from everything that had happened was facing. And even if she didn't know exactly what it was, she felt that deep down I was fighting more than just training, routine and charges. There was something else ... something she didn't understand yet, but she could see stamped on her tears that still gleamed in my eyelashes.
The cozy silence was interrupted by light and compassionate steps. Asuka looked up immediately. It was Kaji.
He was standing at the door, with that neutral look, too serious for usual. For a moment he only observed. Subaru's view sleeping on the girl's lap was unexpected ... but it also said a lot.
Asuka frowned, taking a finger to her lips.
"Shhh. Don't wake up the sleepy." She whispered, with a protective look she rarely showed.
Kaji arched an eyebrow. The tension on his face softened, and a slight smile of singing came, as if he understood more than he showed.
"Now, well ... and I think Miss Langley's heart was made of Titanium. Apparently we have a new lucky in the piece." He said in a playful tone.
Asuka wrapped around the same moment, her cheeks becoming visibly stained.
"S-Shut up, Kaji! That's not it!" She whispered with anger contained. "He just ... he needed to rest, that's all."
Kaji approached slowly, but respecting the space. He observed Subaru for a few seconds. He noticed his calm expression, even though it was still marked by what had clearly been a loud cry. There was something about that boy. Something that didn't match his "nonexistent" record. Something that messed with the people around him... even someone like Asuka.
"Well, whatever is going on with him... it seems like he found someone he can trust, at least for now." Kaji said, more quietly, as if thinking out loud.
Asuka looked away.
"He's annoying... he talks too much, gets involved where he shouldn't... acts like a child... and still thinks he's funny..." she muttered, almost to herself.
"But still, he left you kneeling there for almost an hour petting him. It's impressive." Kaji replied with a teasing smile.
Asuka gave Kaji a light push with her foot, trying not to move too much so as not to wake Subaru. "Go away before I regret letting you in."
Kaji raised his hands in surrender, still smiling. "Okay, okay... I just came to check if everything was okay. But I think I'm interrupting the 'romantic comedy' moment."
And with that, he turned and left, leaving behind the scene of a boy finally finding some peace, and a girl who, without even realizing it, was beginning to lower her defenses.
The next day, the first rays of the sun gently passed through the bedroom window, dyeing everything with a pale golden tone. I opened my eyes slowly, feeling the warmth of the light on my face and a strange tranquility filling my chest. For a moment, I lay there, staring at the ceiling, trying to process the unusual lightness I felt.
My body felt... fine. Better than it had in days. As if the weight that was crushing it inside had loosened, not completely gone, but had given me a respite. Every muscle, previously tense from anxiety and repeated deaths, seemed to have finally relaxed. My chest rose and fell calmly. I felt... refreshed.
"I needed this..." I thought, running my hand through my hair, still smelling a faint scent of women's shampoo, probably Asuka's.
Slowly, I sat down on the sofa, yawning. The memory of the previous night came back in pieces: the emotional breakdown, Asuka by my side, the caress... her lap. That moment of silence as powerful as any word.
I put my hand to my chest and lightly squeezed the fabric of my shirt. I still didn't know how it would all end. I still didn't know if Kaji still suspected me. But, at that moment, I had something.
I had time. And support.
I stood up, facing the new day with a glimmer of hope in my eyes.
I scratched the back of my neck, still sleepy, when I realized I was lying on the sofa with a blanket thrown over Mik. A slight smile escaped my lips. Asuka had definitely dragged me here after I collapsed. Despite her explosive and arrogant manner, she cared. And that meant a lot.
I stood up slowly, my muscles still feeling relaxed from that unexpected night of rest. I walked to the hallway, sneaking past, and stopped in front of the half-open door to Asuka's room. Carefully, I pushed it open just enough to discreetly peek inside.
Asuka was curled up under the covers, lying on her side, her face half buried in the pillow. Her expression seemed so serene that it was hard to believe that this was the same girl who called him an idiot every five minutes. Her red hair was spread out in disarray, and one of her hands rested on the edge of the bed, as if she had fallen asleep right there, right after making herself comfortable.
I stood there for a few seconds, just watching. That image... Made me swallow hard. As strange as it was, as tortuous as her journey had been, it was in this kind of silent gesture that I found strength.
I closed the door carefully, barely making a sound, and murmured with a restrained smile: "Thanks, Asuka... I'll thank you later."
And then I walked to the bathroom, ready to face another day, this time with a little more light in my heart.
As I washed my face in the bathroom sink, the cold water woke me up completely. I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment. There was still a slight puffiness around my eyes, remnants of the night before. I frowned and sighed.
"Damn... she's definitely going to make fun of me..." I muttered in a resigned tone, drying my face with the towel. "I bet she'll call me a crybaby for the rest of my life..."
Even so, something inside me didn't care so much about that. It wasn't just my body that was refreshed, but my soul as well. Asuka's simple gesture, as tsundere as it was, carried enormous weight. It was as if, for the first time in days, someone had actually seen him.
But I knew I couldn't stay still. As much as I wanted to pretend that everything was fine, there was something more serious that I needed to resolve. Kaji.
That man knew something... Everything had started repeating itself from the moment he suspected me. And although I was still shaken, I knew that running away was not an option. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to protect not only myself, but the people around me, I needed to understand why Kaji had become so hostile and what he really knew.
I took a deep breath. He put on his jacket, fixed his hair and left the room with determined steps. The cold cut through the German morning air, but I didn't hesitate.
"I'm going to talk to him... and this time, I'm not going to run."
I just didn't know if the conversation would end well, but that didn't matter now. It was time to face the truth.
The courtyard of the NERV facility in Oldenburg was bustling with morning activity. Technicians carried metal boxes, engineers checked digital clipboards, and a few pilots hurried past, probably late for a test. It was an organized dance of busy people, each with their own purpose. I felt out of place there, but I walked among them all with a single focus.
My eyes scanned the place until I saw Kaji Ryouji, with his usual carefree walk, cigarette in the corner of his mouth, wearing the gray overcoat that swayed in the cold breeze.
I clenched my fists and walked towards him. My heart was racing, but I kept my pace steady. Kaji noticed my approach. His eyes narrowed slightly, and he calmly removed the cigarette from his mouth.
"Look... the famous Subaru Natsuki." He gave a slight smile, which didn't reach his eyes. "Did you sleep well in my pupil's lap?"
I stopped a meter away from him. The buzz around seemed to dissipate, as if time had slowed down just for that moment.
"I need to talk to you..." I said, trying to keep my voice steady, despite the tension in my chest.
Kaji watched him in silence for a few seconds. His smile wavered, but he nodded. "Okay. But know that... I have questions too, kid. Lots of questions."
I swallowed hard. I knew that this conversation could change everything. But I was ready, or at least I needed to be.
But before Kaji and I could exchange a single word, a disturbing presence made everyone around us freeze.
Atop the Eva 02 statue that adorned the center of the courtyard as a symbol of strength, a figure wrapped in bandages appeared, with long white hair flowing in the wind and incandescent eyes that seemed to pierce the soul. She had chains in both hands, which clinked with an ominous metallic sound, echoing through the corridors of the base.
The scientists stopped. The security guards hesitated. Even Kaji clicked his tongue, his carefree expression fading like smoke dissipating into the air.
"... Damn... What is this?!" he muttered, taking the cigarette out of his mouth.
My eyes widened, my heart racing with the involuntary recognition that something... was wrong. Even without knowing her, I knew that this woman did not belong in this world or in any place where logic and reason still reigned.
She raised an arm, letting the chains swing freely.
"I found... I found the heart that beats with twisted love...!" Her voice was lyrical, almost enchanting, but carried with a dark weight that chilled the spine.
She was smiling.
Kaji, with his eyes half closed and his hand already discreetly resting on the holster of his gun, turned slightly in my direction and asked in a low but alert tone: "Do you know who this is, kid?"
I was still petrified, I shook my head negatively. My half-open mouth searched for words that would not come. Everything in me screamed to run, but her feet seemed planted on the ground.
The woman on the statue raised her arms as if she were about to begin a sacred sermon. The chains clinked again, their metallic sound echoing in the air like an omen. The silence among the people in the courtyard was so absolute that even the slightest rustle of the leaves could be heard.
"Ah, how wonderful!" she exclaimed with a broad smile, her melodious voice almost discordant with the restlessness of the moment. "What a lovely day... What a blue sky. How lucky I am to be able to find so many hearts gathered in one place!"
She twirled one of the chains in the air as if it were part of a theatrical dance, and then let it fall, ringing on the concrete below the statue. "If you'll allow me, just a little bit of your precious time... A moment, a spark of attention. I promise it will be lighter than a kiss and sweeter than a goodbye..."
Her voice was too enchanting to be trusted. She began to walk along the edge of the statue, barefoot, balancing like a macabre ballerina. "I came to talk about something simple... Something that everyone carries in their chest, even if they ignore it... something deeper than the darkest ocean, hotter than the cruelest fire: love."
Several looks intersected among scientists and soldiers around. Some began to move restlessly. But no one dared to interrupt her. "Ah, love ... This poorly understood thing. So trivialized! Everyone says" I love you "with empty lips and blind eyes. But who really loves? Who feels to the point of tearing the flesh, of crying blood, breaking sanity for the pain of absence?"
She smiled, a smile that had no peace. "If the world were guided by true love, there would be no wars. There would be no lies. There would be no betrayal or fear. Everyone would be just ... one. A pissing heart. United."
She bent elegantly, as if about to end a theatrical show, and with an exaggerated reverence, said:
"My name is Sirius Romanee-Conte. Archbispa of Witch Cult, Wrath representative."
"And it is with great joy ... that I came to spread true love for all of you."
The courtyard was still. Even the wind seemed to cease for a moment. And then I felt something invisible, something suffocating. A sinister heat spread, as if invisible hands were trying to touch my heart straight through my chest.
I was in shock.
The name "Sirius Romanee-Conte" reverberated in my mind like muffled thunder, a damn memory I would never prefer to hear. ROMANE-CONTE. A name that immediately made my stomach turn. As a reflection, my mind took him to Petelgeuse, the madman possessed by the sin of laziness. The fanatic with bustled eyes, contorted fingers and hysterical shouts. The man who tried to destroy so many lives and who, even after his dead, still haunted me in alive memories.
"Does she have any connection with him?" I thought clearing my fists.
My eyes settled in the hooded and bandage figure at the top of the statue. Something about her was different ... but there was something disturbingly familiar. Perhaps not in the gestures, but in the energy, in the way the world around it was beginning to distort itself. As if reality itself were in reverence for its presence. As if everyone were pieces of a game that only she knew the rules.
Sirius then clapped her hands, the dry crack echoing throughout the courtyard.
Clap! Clap! Clap!
All eyes turned to her at the same time, like puppets pulled by invisible wires. Even I and Kaji, who were already with the nerves on the skin, could not avoid the urge to direct our eyes. It was as if something within our bodies was forced to react. The next silence was heavy ... But soon, Sirius gave a huge smile of satisfaction.
"Oh! What a wonderful audience! What a attention ... what delivery! You leave me speechless!"
She lightly turned the chains in her hands, as if rehearsing dance steps. "Aaaah ... I'm thrilled. Seriously! I am usually received with shouts, shots, or ridiculous attempts to interrupt me ... but you ... You are special. I almost feel that I was understood."
At this point, one of the soldiers muttered something impatient, and another scientist shouted, trying to sound authoritarian: "If you are going to do your speech, to do it soon. We have real work here!"
Sirius widened his eyes, looking genuinely surprised and, for a second, almost ... shy. "A-AH! Yes! Of course! You are busy, I understand ... It was a lot of emotion at once, forgiveness ... I just wanted ... well, do it more ... theatrical, say."
She stumbled in her own words, and at the next moment her left hand arrested on one of the currents. The sudden movement almost made it fall from the statue. She grunted, hit one hand on her face and murmured in a low, almost childish voice: "Silly ... You're so clumsy ..."
The tension that hung over the place broke and a wave of laughter escaped the crowd.
I widened my eyes. The people around me were laughing. Soldiers, scientists, even some pilots ... as if suddenly that sinister figure was just a street theater clown. But there was something wrong in these laughs. They were too light, too natural, as if they were in a dream. As if the strings of logic and fear had been cut.
"What is that?" I thought with my heart accelerating.
But even I felt something strange. As if I were about to laugh too. As if parts of me began to see Sirius with absurd sympathy, despite the latent fear. As if I wanted to like her.
Kaji, next door, frowned, but his eyes also looked a little more opaque than normal.
Sirius smiled widely. Her eyes shone behind the bandages, and she said with an air of pure joy: "Is this ... is this love, my people. Do you feel it? The connection? Lightness? This is proof that everyone can understand each other ... Even in the chaos. Even in a field of war, there is room for affection!"
And behind the apparent innocence of her words, I felt a chill. Something was about to happen. Something much worse than just a speech ...
A laugh escaped my lips involuntarily, a strange, out-of-step sound that I barely realized I was making. Kaji was laughing too, his eyes slightly glazed over, as if he were watching an irresistible comedy. The world around him seemed enveloped by a soft, warm veil, like a dream... but a dream that made no sense. Nothing made sense.
And yet, everyone was smiling.
Sirius walked on top of the statue with elegant and clumsy steps at the same time, the chains jingling behind him like macabre bells. In his arms, he was dragging someone.
"To prove that love is real... That it transcends judgment and logic... That it can heal even the most broken souls..." he said, with a voice as melodic as it was insane "... I brought an offering. A small flower that only needs to be watered with pure feelings."
When she pulled harder, the girl's figure finally revealed itself.
It was Anneliese.
Her wrists were tied tightly, her eyes wide and her face stained with tears. Her legs were wobbling as Sirius dragged her without the slightest delicacy. Her mouth was trembling, but no sound came out. Only her desperate, pleading, broken look.
She was begging for help.
But no one reacted.
Not me, not Kaji, not the soldiers around us. We just laughed. Some more discreetly, others in open laughter. There was even a moment when I had a spark of lucidity, a glimpse that something was wrong, very wrong, but soon the warm breeze that hung over the scene seemed to calm her thoughts. I found it... funny? Sad? Maybe... beautiful?
"Why are you crying, my dear?" Sirius asked with a loving smile, leaning close to the girl. "You are being loved. Look around you! Everyone is laughing. Everyone is happy!"
Anneliese fell to her knees, sobbing, trying to pull the chains away with her trembling hands. But the strangest thing was that no one was shaken by it. There was no shock, no horror. Only muffled phrases in the middle of the crowd:
"Oh, stop crying, girl..." — "She's exaggerating..." — "It must be part of the show." — "It doesn't even seem that bad..."
A young scientist even gave a muffled laugh and said: "This is more fun than any Nerv show."
Sirius opened his arms, like a goddess preaching to her followers: "Look! This is the love the world needs! Not the selfish love that demands or holds us back. But the unconditional love! The love that unites us even when we don't understand, even when it hurts!"
She pulled Anneliese again, this time with more force, making the girl scream. But the scream was lost, muffled not only by the distance, but by the unbearable weight of collective indifference.
I was still laughing. Kaji was too. But behind that empty smile.
As if their souls were locked inside their bodies, forced to watch without being able to act.
As if love itself was being distorted before their eyes.
@###
Sirius, still atop the Eva 02 statue, raised her face to the overcast sky, her pale hair dancing in the wind. Her eyes shone with an overwhelming emotion, something between ecstasy and madness. She turned to the crowd and, with a choked but fervent voice, pointed to Anneliese, who remained kneeling and trembling.
"She feels love," Sirius said, his voice echoing with weight and solemnity. "Love for her sister. A silent, pure and profound admiration... Can you see it? Feel it?"
She knelt beside the girl, even at a distance from the top of the statue, as if the chains that now wrapped her were a sacred offering.
"This... this is real!" she cried, tears falling from her red eyes. "Do you think love is a lie? Do you think it's just a pretty word?"
She held Anneliese's face with unexpected gentleness, despite the cold chains that still bound her wrists. The girl continued to cry, confused, but now she wasn't the only one.
Something had changed in the atmosphere.
The tears that had flowed from Sirius began to echo on every face present. Slowly, like a rain that starts with an isolated drop, men and women in the courtyard began to cry. Scientists. Soldiers. Technicians. Even Kaji. And me.
The tears flowed without reason, without control. As if an invisible emotion had invaded each heart and ripped out something they didn't even know was there.
"It's love..." murmured one of the researchers, with her hand on her chest.
"She's right..." said one of the guards, sobbing.
"It's been so long since I felt this..."
The crowd knelt or simply collapsed from where they were. The sound of sobs began to merge, filling every corner of the space, like a chorus of pain and hope.
Sirius opened her arms once more, like a prophetess triumphant at the conversion of her congregation.
"Be thankful!" she cried. "Be thankful for this moment! For being able to feel! For being alive!"
And as if an absolute order had been given, even if it dictates in a sweet way, everyone began to thank al loud, each with his words, his versions, his memories. A man shouted "thank you, mother." A woman whispered "forgive me, I still love you." Others just muttered meaningless words.
Sirius then crackled her fingers.
"Now ... a round of applause!" She said, with a soft smile.
And the crowd obeyed.
The palms began as a rhythmic and discreet sound ... but soon became demiders. A widespread, fervent applause, as if they were facing a star, a martyr, a goddess.
I, with teary eyes, also applauded. My hands moved alone. I didn't even know why.
Kaji did the same, the red eyes, as if he had just met someone lost for years.
And Sirius, the Archbisp of Wrath, just watched all that, ecstatic, while Anneliese sobbed between her arms, unable to understand why everyone was thanking ... except her.
Sirius's smile became soft, almost maternal as he looked at Anneliese as if he was a child about to take an important step. She held her firmly through the chains, the crowd still applauding and crying, wrapped in the false light of the "love" that involved Archbispa.
"Love ... is also a sacrifice!" Sirius said aloud, the crowd silenced as if waiting for a divine revelation "and she is about to show everyone how true love is ... eternal ... unconditional."
Without hesitation, with an ecstasy look on his face, Sirius pushed Anneliese from the top of the statue of Eva 02.
The girl's body fell in absolute silence, as if time had stopped for a moment.
No one shouted.
No one ran.
On the contrary ... the tears that dripped from the eyes of the crowd intensified. But they were tears of joy.
"She will do this for love ..." said someone between sobs.
"It's so beautiful ..."
"She proved ... She proved that love exists ...!"
The sound of the impact echoed loudly ...
All around me ...
Including myself ...
We all feel the same pain as Anneliese's impact by falling to the floor ...
We all die the same way.
"It's all for love, Subaru ..." She whispered.
But it was late.
My body fell beside the others.
And the world got dark.
End of Chapter 11