Chapter 20: You must be enjoying it, the sinful feeling of killing the teacher
The sky was getting light.
The news about the gas leak at the Tohsaka Villa Estate last night made headlines in newspapers and became a hot topic of discussion. Some people were surprised, some were indifferent, some were indignant and denounced the gas company's warranty issues, and some people, based on rumors they heard from somewhere, came up with conspiracy theories that the gas company's leaders cut corners when installing the pipeline and enriched themselves, and had a secret deal with the officials.
Kotomine Kirei took the two meals packed from the restaurant and walked quietly along the street, listening to the heated discussions of passers-by.
'Gas leak.'
'What a universal reason.'
He couldn't help but sigh in his heart. The Holy Church had some extremely extraordinary connections in both the business and political circles. As long as the reasons were not too outrageous, such as alien invasions, they could basically cover up the leaked magical incidents.
"Illyasviel and I actually have a good compatibility? We're both villains?"
He was unwilling to believe it, but the facts were before him. If he thought about it carefully, the reason why he did not choose to recall the assassin girl immediately last night was that he felt it would be a waste of the Command Seals, that the teacher's servants were able to protect the teacher, and that the teacher had already been assassinated twice, so wouldn't it be a waste for the teacher to suffer if he used the Command Seals now?......He used statements like these to convince himself.
In fact, if you look into these reasons carefully, they are all strange explanations that are completely untenable. If he has a desire for the Holy Grail, then this makes sense. He wants to betray the alliance and kill his teacher in advance, so his heart is preventing him from using the Command Spell to recall.
However, he did not desire the Holy Grail, and had never thought of betraying his teacher, so it was very strange for him to do so. As Miss Illyasviel commented, his thoughts and actions were completely contradictory.
"Some people are born evil, and some are born good. Their words and deeds are inconsistent because of their desires. For example, when a person is extremely hungry in the wild, and he is only accompanied by his best friend who is also exhausted, what do you think he will choose? His brain clearly tells him that he is his best friend, but his stomach tells him that he will die if he does not eat."
The spirit body of Illyasviel followed behind Kotomine Kirei with her hands behind her back, and Miss Illyasviel spoke to him lively.
"Should I listen to my mind and go through this with my good friend, or should I listen to my instinct and eat my good friend, recover my strength, and then find a way to survive?"
"......."
Kotomine Kirei thought for a moment: "According to biology, cannibalism will infect people with prions. Even if he chooses to kill and eat his friends, he still can't survive. So Assassin, your example is just a false proposition and has no practical reference value."
Pushing open the church door, he walked quickly towards the church basement.
It is unholy to eat in a holy church.
"Really? Prions are viruses composed of proteins that exist in the brain, spinal cord, cranial nerves, etc. Simply eating the flesh and blood of a good friend will not infect you... Master, are you considering eating the brain and spinal cord as well? Wow, then he is still your good friend after all."
Following the downward steps, Miss Illyasviel gradually freed herself from her spiritual form and jumped around happily like an ordinary little girl.
Arriving at the tidy basement, she unceremoniously picked up her breakfast and found a place to sit down. Servants do not need to eat, as long as they have magic power they can maintain their body functions, but she likes to eat very much, not because she is a glutton, but simply because eating delicious food can make her feel that "she is still alive".
Humans need to eat, maybe it's a kind of psychological deception. She still has a little fantasy that she can turn back into a human again, even though she didn't live a very good life before the transmigration, and her head is a mess with all the bad things.
Including but not limited to the fact that her parents abandoned her when she was young, her father had an adopted son outside and never thought of coming back to see her, all her good friends had forgotten her, and no one seemed to remember that she existed. She grew up and lived alone, and it seemed that the only time she was happy was when she put on a white dress and smiled happily.
Why did they forget her, why did they abandon her, why has she never been loved by anyone since she was a child... Live, you must live.
Live to the end and live the life that is the proudest even if there is no one around you.
She is not dead, she is not a heroic spirit, she is a transmigrator, she is not a dead being who will be forgotten by people, and she is not a poor creature who has never been happy!
[I want to live, I want to live very happily, I will live to the end.......]
King Gilgamesh said that she was an anti-hero, and it was true. She was like a cup filled with black muddy water, bright and beautiful on the outside but corrupt on the inside.
She is a transmigrator, and she doesn't like this unfortunate world.
She just wanted to survive and go home alive. She just wanted to live happily once.
She was like a stitched-together combination of misfortunes, both before and after she crossed over to this world.
All the misfortunes in the world enveloped her, making her desperately try to paddle out of the water to breathe.
"So, Assassin, what exactly do you want to tell me?"
Miss Illyasviel opened the package and said, "I want to say that you are just deliberately avoiding this question, just like you are avoiding the fact that you actually like the "stimulation" brought by the feeling of sin. You can use ten thousand reasons to convince yourself, convince me, and make yourself feel at ease, but Master, your instinct will not lie, just like the hungry man in the question will definitely eat his good friend in the end, instinct is greater than rational thinking~"
Everyone has desires, such as power, beauty, strength, and fame. The essence of love is hormones, and the essence of eating is survival.
These can all be classified as desires, and with the addition of a modifier, they can also be said to be an ideal longing.
"Rather than what I want to say, it's more about what kind of person you think you are, Master."
Miss Illyasviel opened the lunch box and found only one dish, bright blood-red tofu.
The color, aroma and taste are so good that just looking at it will increase your appetite.
Her Master is quite good at ordering food. Even though it was his first time going to that restaurant, he ordered food that looked delicious and smelled so good that she wanted to put it in her mouth.
"I... have never felt the flow of emotions since I can remember, nor have I ever felt the slightest interest in entertainment or pain. Instead, I feel that those people's happiness is unreasonable, and their sadness is just a waste of time." Looking at the white-haired little girl who was about to start eating, Kotomine Kirei hesitated for a moment and then sighed and said.
"I was incompatible with the world's values and seemed like an alien, so I began to believe in the existence of religious gods and thought that as long as I prayed sincerely enough, I would be able to succeed."
"One day, God will respond to the desires of a believer like me and allow me to feel sadness and emotions like a normal person."
Born with a lack of emotion and no interest in things, Kotomine Kirei felt a bit desperate about himself, so he began to try to seek death.
He became one of the agents of the Holy Church and frequently took on dangerous missions, hoping that these missions would awaken some of his instincts, even if it was the animal nature of seeking survival, or let himself, an alien, die during a mission.
But it was as if God was playing a trick on his life, Kotomine Kirei laughed at himself.
"So Master, has God saved you?" Miss Illyasviel asked doubtfully, supporting her face with her hands on the table.
"No, maybe I'm not pious enough, or maybe even the love of God can't save me."
Kotomine Kirei shook his head and continued, "After vaguely understanding this, I began to seek death and performed many missions for the Holy Church that were close to death, because for an outlier like me, perhaps only death is the best ending."
And then, nothing happened. He completed his tasks brilliantly many times, escaping death many times.
No one understood him, even his father, who admired him as a devout saint.
Time passed so quickly, and when he came to his senses, there were no enemies around him who could threaten him. He had somehow become one of the strongest agents of the Holy Church. If he had not had no will and understood that death could not scare him, he could have even been able to work in the burial agency if he had worked harder.
"I couldn't settle into a position, trying to find the path I really wanted to take, and in my last attempt to build a happy family, I married a woman who was being ravaged by illness and had only a few years left to live."
"In this marriage, I loved my wife, and she also tried hard to love me and was willing to help heal me. But in the end, I still couldn't get normal happiness through my wife. Happiness for me was seeing my wife's pain. The more my wife wanted to heal me, the more I wanted to see her sigh."
"Is it possible that the woman who loved me so deeply could not fill my flaws? This made me even more desperate, and finally I decided to commit suicide one day, but before that I thought about fulfilling my duty as a husband and saying my final goodbye to my wife."
Having said this, helplessness appeared in Kotomine Kirei's eyes.
"In the end, my wife chose to commit suicide in front of me to prove that I was capable of loving and worth living."
Maybe he wasn't going to live long, or maybe his wife loved him too much.
She actually chose this method to prove that he was not an outlier.
Kotomine Kirei recalled the sad scene at that time and couldn't help but smile stiffly at himself.
"Assassin, do you know what was going through my mind as I watched my wife die?"
"What?"
"I was thinking, since she's going to die, I might as well kill her myself."
"......."
Now he occasionally thinks about that time. Was the sadness at that time because he didn't enjoy his wife's death? Or was it because he wanted to kill her with his own hands even though he loved her?
Whenever he thought of this, Kotomine Kirei's thoughts would always be interrupted. Perhaps the answer would remain hanging there forever.
Because the doctrine he believed in did not allow suicide, the church records showed that his wife was killed by robbers, and his daughter Caren Hortensia was raised by a strict priest.
"Master, you are very confused. You think you don't need the Holy Grail, but you do have a wish. Your wish is to resolve your confusion and let you feel interested."
".....What I'm pursuing is a sense of immorality and excitement?" Kotomine Kirei was somewhat skeptical.
"No, what you seek is pleasure, and you can feel pleasure from pain and destruction."
Ms. Illyasviel, who possesses the skill of spying on the evil of this world, can easily see through Kotomine Kirei's true pursuits. She is too sensitive to malice. Malice is like the fragrance of fine wine. No matter who has more or less malice, she can sense it.
She picked up a piece of red tofu with disposable chopsticks and put it into her mouth while continuing.
"The fun you pursue is tragedy and the outside world. You can listen to me and tell you slowly, Master... Hmm?!"
The words haven't finished yet.
Kotomine Kirei, who was listening to the white-haired little girl's enlightenment like a student, suddenly saw the other party pause suddenly, as if something unexpected had happened, and couldn't help but frowned.
"Assassin, what's wrong with you?"
"I, I, I, I'm fine, I'm fine... Ooooooh!" Miss Illyasviel quickly covered her mouth and nose. The piercing pain in her throat made her eyes turn red in a few seconds.
She, who had never cried even when she fought against King Gilgamesh, quickly covered her eyes and lowered her head.
Tears were already welling up in her eyes, and her voice was trembling with tears.
"I just, I just suddenly felt sentimental. Listening to you talking about the past, Master, I also missed my mother..."
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