The only thing more confusing than the hoofprints in the field…
was the fact that I was now standing in front of a talking horse named Valmor—
who had more existential issues than an anonymous vent account on a drama forum.
After an awkward silence between me and a horse far too dignified for a creature that probably farts while standing, I finally asked:
"Okay, Valmor. If all you're doing is... waiting for a hero, then what's with the mysterious noises and dying crops? Don't tell me you're the reason?"
Valmor looked immediately offended.
"Me? Scaring farmers? DISTURBING plants? I was created by the gods, not trained to be some prankster!"
"Then who else, horse? You're the only mythical creature here."
"It's not me!" he snapped. "And don't call me 'horse' like I'm some common livestock. I am Valmor! The Sacred Steed! I have lineage, you know?!"
"Cool. Unfortunately, this field doesn't need pedigree. It needs corn to grow and the creepy laughter to stop at 2 A.M."
I scoffed and began inspecting the area. But just two steps away from Valmor—
that weird sound came again.
A low rumble.
Like… something growling.
From underground.
The ground trembled slightly.
Leaves fell.
And then—
"AAAAAAAAAA—"
I screamed first.
Because what came out of the soil…
wasn't a monster.
Wasn't a demon.
Wasn't a dragon.
It was…
A cabbage.
A monster.
A cabbage monster.
"WHAT IS THAT!?"
"That's... a cabbage," Valmor replied flatly.
"I CAN SEE THAT, DAMN IT!"
This cabbage was not your regular salad ingredient.
It had eyes.
Teeth.
And root-tentacles whipping through the air while making a noise like an empty stomach during mukbang hour.
"OKAY, WHAT FRESH VEGETABLE HELL IS THIS—"
The cabbage roared.
YES.
ROARED.
And lunged at me.
"VALMOR! HELP! LET ME HOP ON YOU!"
I ran toward him.
Valmor…
stepped back.
"No. I only let the Chosen Hero ride me."
"I'M NOT JUST RIDING—I'M TRYING TO LIVE! YOU GOD DAMN HORSE!"
"You lack the aura of heroism."
"I HAVE THE AURA OF A SECOND CHANCE! RIGHT NOW!!"
"If i say No, Then Its a No You Stupid Knight."
So I had to…run.
From a cabbage.
While the one creature that could help me stood there, unmoved, protecting his mythological standards.
"This is undignified," he muttered, watching me faceplant into the mud.
"NOW, I AM COVERED IN MUD AND I CAN SMELL CABBAGE FROM AN INCH AWAY."
"Oh Come On, You're fine. They only attack if you step over the territory boundary."
"WHAT KIND OF FILTER DEFINES THIS AS 'FINE'?!"
The cabbage eventually backed off—maybe out of pity.
Or disgust.
I collapsed onto the ground, panting, soaked, and almost out of dignity—
assuming I had any left to lose.
Valmor calmly trotted over, as if nothing had happened.
"See? I told you I wasn't the culprit. I don't disturb anyone. Dumb Knight, That just a cabbage. His name is Gul-Gul."
"Haaa? Say that again you Goddamn horse. WAIT THAT CABBAGE HAS A NAME?!"
"Of course. All sacred beings do. The name was GUL GUL"
"GUL-GUL?! Ha?"
Ironic, isn't it?
I looked up at the sky.
I reflected on life.
I re-evaluated my decision to ever get on that plane.
"I could die in this world, To a cabbage."
"A truly uneventful end."
"Yeah. Just like my life before this."