You'd think that now that we finally have a mansion — a whole damn mansion, thank you very much — I'd be able to sleep peacefully in my own oversized, guilt-free, trauma-free bed without waking up to someone drooling on my shoulder.
But no.
Here I am, eyes barely open, still lying on my bed with a blank stare at the ceiling, trying to process life, and guess what? Lumine is hugging my arm like a damn plush toy, and Paimon is clinging to my head like I'm her emotional pillow. AGAIN.
"Why do you two even have your own rooms if you're just going to sneak into mine every night like cuddle bandits?!" I grumbled, voice hoarse with sleep and despair.
No answer. Of course not. They're asleep. Blissfully, annoyingly asleep.
Eventually, I manage to untangle myself from the human and floating barnacle combo, plant my feet on the floor, and drag my sorry self out of bed. My muscles stretch with a glorious pop as I walk out of the room and into the golden sunrise of our teapot mansion's veranda.
I inhale the fresh, slightly magical morning air.
"Aight... Good morning, Tubby." I stretch my arms, pat the floating teapot bird on the head like he's a good dog.
Tubby: "Good morning, sir."
"Time to take our next quest!"
Oh yes. The plot doesn't rest. Trauma waits for no man.
I head for the exit portal. That glowing swirly doorway to responsibility and probable pain. And just when I'm about to step through it...
"You didn't wake me up."
I flinch. Spinning slowly like I'm in some bad soap opera reveal, I see Lumine — already dressed, hair perfect, pout activated — standing by the door.
"Uh... Good morning?"
She narrows her eyes. "You didn't wake me up."
"Because you sleep like a damn log," I retorted. "Seriously, I could've lit fireworks in there and you wouldn't even twitch."
"We usually sleep next to each other. I get uncomfortable sleeping alone."
...Well.
I squint at her. I nod slowly like I understand, but spoiler alert: I absolutely do not. Brain.exe has stopped responding. I don't know how to process this info.
"Cool cool cool..." I muttered, still backing toward the portal like a man trying to escape responsibility.
Then, as if summoned by the sound of stupidity, Paimon floats out of nowhere, rubbing her eyes.
"Morning... Shigeru... Lumine..."
"Morning, Paimon," Lumine added with a soft smile.
"Morning, little glutton," I yawned. "You sleep okay?"
Paimon blinked slowly... then beamed. "Hehe... finally. Someone noticed me."
"Of course! Can't start the day without our local emergency snack mascot."
Paimon: "HEY! Paimon is NOT a snack—!"
"Alright gang!" I clap my hands with unearned energy. "Time for our next quest!"
Lumine: "And that quest is...?"
I grin. "Time to meet our adopted older brother again!"
Paimon blinks, confused. "You mean Dain?"
"Yep! The same Emo-Pants McGloomster! Let's go!"
*Fast travel noises*
We land right in front of Katheryne in Liyue. The scent of stone, tea, and repressed stress fills the air.
"Ah, Traveler, Shigeru, Paimon. You're right on time," Katheryne greets with a professional smile.
"Waddup Kathy," I wave lazily. "It's that time of the day again, right?"
She nods. "Indeed. I even drew a fortune slip at the shrine. It mentioned a... fateful reunion."
My eyebrow twitches.
"Every time someone says 'fateful reunion,' I lose a year of my lifespan."
Katheryne chuckles politely. "Today's commission involves a miner, one who was last seen heading toward The Chasm."
My soul visibly leaves my body.
"...You serious?"
"Quite."
I rub my face with both hands. "I can't avoid that trauma pit, huh?"
Lumine pats my back. Paimon tries not to look me in the eye.
"Alright gang," I sigh, heart heavy. "Time to plunge ourselves into a different type of hell."
And thus begins the next trauma-infused arc of our lives.
***
You know, every time I say, "It can't get worse," the universe treats that as a challenge.
So there we are, right at the edge of The Chasm — a place that just radiates regret and ominous background music. It's like the land itself is screaming, "ENTER IF YOU HATE YOURSELF."
And naturally, we enter.
Lumine, Paimon, and I arrive to see this absolute unit of a man — muscles for days, beard that could host a bird family, arms like tree trunks — waving at us like we're his long-lost drinking buddies.
"Hi there! You must be Yuehui, right? We've been sent by the Adventurers' Guild," Paimon chirps like the unpaid intern she truly is.
Yuehui smiles. "Ah, great. Good to meet you. Yes, I was the one who posted that commission."
Bro's voice sounds like gravel and responsibility. He could crush my skull between his biceps and I'd probably thank him.
Then he starts explaining the job. Apparently, the miners have been seeing Hilichurls march into the depths of The Chasm and... just never come back. Like a really bad Airbnb — you check in, but you never check out.
I scratch the back of my head and squint at Yuehui. "So let me get this straight — you're saying the miners are losing their minds because Hilichurls are walking into the depths of The Chasm and just... not coming back? Like it's some kind of Hilichurl-exclusive black hole spa?"
Yuehui nods, arms crossed. "...That's not how I'd explain it, but... yeah, basically."
"And one of them saw a Hilichurl riding a rock like a unicycle?" I add, trying very hard not to laugh.
"Yeah," he mutters. "Morale's lower than a Pyro Slime in a thunderstorm."
Beautiful. Absolutely cursed. I love it here.
Yuehui sighs deeply and rubs the back of his neck. "Honestly, it's been rough keeping morale up. The moment something weird happens, half of them start writing goodbye letters, and the other half are too scared to finish their lunch breaks."
He then gestures behind him to a group of miners hiding behind crates, peeking at us like we're the last three brain cells in existence. One guy's holding a pickaxe backwards. Another's holding a sandwich like it's a weapon. I'm not even judging — that sandwich looked intense.
Yuehui sighs. "We filed for this mining permit two months ago, paid the Mora, filled out thirty-seven forms, and got it stamped by a guy who sneezed on it. So we are not wasting this chance."
Ah yes. The real horror of Teyvat — paperwork.
Paimon tilts her head. "Huh... maybe we should take a moment to think this through—"
"Nope," I interrupt with the speed of someone who's made peace with poor decisions. "Let's just go. The faster we start, the less time I have to think about how stupid this is."
Paimon glares at me. "Hey! You could at least pretend to consider Paimon's opinion first!"
I open my mouth to give a sarcastic reply, but Lumine beats me to it.
"When strange things like this happen," she says, already sounding 90% done with the day, "I'm inclined to think the Abyss Order is involved."
I clap once. "You heard the blond. Let's go, emergency food."
"STOP CALLING PAIMON THAT!" Paimon screams.
I look at Yuehui and point at him. "Hey, bulky, we're going now, 'kay?"
Yuehui blinks. "Uh... alright. Good luck? And if you see any of the Hilichurls, maybe ask them if they've seen my lost sock. It vanished around the same time. Probably unrelated. Probably."
Luck. Right. What we really need is a one-way ticket to therapy.
So now we're here.
Standing at the edge.
Peering down into the Chasm's gaping maw.
And it's just as terrifying as I remember. Shadows stretching forever, rocks jutting out like teeth, and an ambient soundtrack composed entirely of regret and bad decisions.
"We're going to regret this, don't we?" I mutter.
"Definitely," Lumine says.
"Paimon knew we should've considered it fi—"
I grab both their hands.
"What the—Shigeru?!"
"Nope. We're doing this!"
I jump.
We fall.
Paimon screams.
Lumine stays silent, probably plotting my demise.
Me? I'm just grinning like a lunatic.
"ALRIGHT! TIME TO DIVE DEEPER AND MAKE THINGS MESSIER!"
And that's how we dove headfirst into trauma,
No plan. No caution. No sanity.
Just three idiots, free-falling into chaos.
Just another Tuesday in Teyvat.
So. We did jump into a pit of darkness without thinking twice—because obviously that's what sane people do—and somehow don't end up as pancake toppings for some ancient ruin beast's breakfast.
Instead, we land.
Safely.
Which is suspicious in itself.
I mean, gravity has NEVER been my friend. It betrayed me every time I tripped on a rock or tried to do a backflip to impress someone (spoiler: it never worked). But this time? We just kind of... floated down gently, like discount angels sent by a deity who's clearly asleep on the job.
I land first, obviously. Because I am the main character in my own mind.
Paimon lands after me, muttering something about filing a formal complaint to Celestia. And Lumine lands like a majestic pigeon. Silent. Controlled. Judging me with her golden anime eyes.
But none of us speak right away. Because what we're seeing? Yeah.
"What the…" Paimon whispers. "It's a city? A whole city that's… floating in the air… upside down!?"
She wasn't exaggerating. It was legit a city just chilling in the air like it forgot how gravity works, and it was upside down like someone slapped it onto the ceiling just for fun.
"...Man," I breathe. "This is just the tip of the iceberg. Trust me. You'll see even crazier stuff than this. Like… statues that talk. Fat birds that teach you combat. Or Mondstadt's tax system."
Lumine stares, unimpressed. "This is not what I was expecting."
"Exactly," I say, putting my hands on my hips like I'm presenting a used car. "But it's what we got. Welcome to the budget version of Snezhnaya's architectural experiments."
Paimon spins slowly in the air, pointing. "Just look at this place. Doesn't it remind you guys of something?"
"Oh," I say, finger-gun ready. "You're talking about the upside-down statue, right?"
"Yes! That's it!" Paimon exclaims, spinning faster now. "It's just like that. Just as strange. Just as upside-down. And just as spooky. In which case… maybe whatever's going on in The Chasm really is connected to the Abyss Order."
I stretch, groan, pop my back like a glowstick, and say with the most dramatic flair I can muster, "Because it actually is."
I pause.
I can feel him.
"Finally…" I whisper, eyes twinkling. "He's here."
And right on cue, like fate itself read my internal fanfiction, we hear footsteps. Then a shadow. Then the unmistakable majestic run of one, singular, legendary, brooding man.
Dainsleif.
"Lumine," I say, pointing with zero subtlety. "LOOK! OUR BRO IS BACK!"
Lumine breathes out, "It really is Dainsleif."
He looks at us—no, through us—with that beautiful, confused anime protagonist gaze.
"I hadn't expected to meet you here," he says, as dramatic wind swirls behind him. Probably just someone sneezing in the distance, but we'll take it.
"BIG BRO!" I yell, running toward him with open arms like a toddler who just saw their favorite plushie. "You're finally here! Hey, let's go on a quest again together, yeah? And maybe beat some Abyss idiots in the process!"
He sighs.
Like, full-chest exhale of exhausted parental energy.
It's the sigh of a man who knows that hanging out with us means 80% danger, 15% emotional trauma, and 5% listening to me monologue.
But he doesn't walk away.
Because he loves us. Probably.
Paimon floats up to him. "Long time no see, Dain! How did you suddenly end up here in The Chasm?"
Dainsleif tilts his head. "The Chasm? So… we're in the depths of The Chasm, are we. Interesting… This is one place where I have never set foot before."
"Wild," I say. "So what happened after we got separated? Get kidnapped by Hilichurls again? Join a secret Sumeru dance cult?"
Dainsleif looks at Lumine instead, choosing the adult in the room. Rude.
"That much should be self-explanatory," he says. "I came upon the trail of another Abyss Herald recently and began pursuing it."
"Oh, so another episode of 'Catch That Abyss Clown,' huh?" I ask, leaning on a rock like I'm in a coffee shop.
I pop my head out from behind Dain's cape and squint. "You probably followed him to the portal, right? And ended up here?"
He gives me a look that screams I can't believe this gremlin is right again.
"Yes. That's about right."
Lumine's voice softens. "You weren't able to catch up to my brother, huh?"
Dain's gaze falters.
"At first, I was behind your brother. Then the next thing I knew… I ended up back in the Stormterror's lair."
Lumine lowers her head.
And listen. I might be a chaos gremlin. I might make stupid jokes and punch slimes for fun. But I'm not heartless.
So I step in front of her.
And I ruffle her hair.
"Don't worry," I say quietly. "We'll find a way to bring him back, okay? Don't worry. I got you. You've got me and Paimon. And we've got Dain. That's like three and a half brain cells working together. That's a whole strategy."
There's a pause.
Then Dain continues, all serious like the narrator of a dramatic audiobook. "Anyway, I ought to warn you… If my suspicions regarding the portal network are correct, then the fact that there is a portal leading here tells us that the Abyss Order has their eyes on this location."
Paimon gulps. "It seems like our suspicions were correct too!"
Dain crosses his arms. "I mean that it is highly likely that even as we speak… the Abyss Order is watching our every move."
"Uhh, don't say that!" Paimon whines, spinning around like that'll shake off the invisible eyeballs. "You're giving Paimon goosebumps!"
"Alright, enough with the doom vibes," I say, cracking my knuckles and grinning like a maniac. "Now that our big bro's here… it's time to ruin whatever the heck the Abyss Order is plotting, yeah?"
I hammer my fist into my palm.
"Let's get dangerous."
Because when you gather one grumpy knight, one celestial twin, one floating emergency ration, and one Shigeru who's definitely NOT qualified for this mission…
You get chaos.
And thus, began our upside-down quest in this upside-down place with very much not-upside-down motivations.
Three weirdos, one brooding legend, an enemy watching us from shadows, and a city doing a handstand in the sky.
This is gonna be fun...
__________________________
End of Chapter 70
Quests Completed:
*Arrive at The Chasm with your usual lack of caution and receive terrifying mining briefing from the brawny Yuehui
*Witness miners who look like they're about to quit life (and maybe mining too)
*Investigate Hilichurl migration into the Chasm
*Take the leap into the abyss with style, screams, and questionable physics without a parachute (because who needs safety?)
* Reunite with your very stoic older brother figure and try not to make things weird.
*Manage to land relatively intact and loud enough to scare any lurking Abyssal creatures
*Prepare for the inevitable Abyss Order confrontation, because it's never not gonna happen.
*Offer genuine comfort to your cute companion like the emotionally competent idiot you are
Rewards:
*+300 Primogems (Because trauma ain't free)
* x1 Suspicious Commission Report ("Hilichurls acting sus. Very sus. Extremely sus.")
*x1 "Cool Points" for Style Landing
*+50 Morale
*+10 Ego
*-100 Sanity
**x1 New Quest: RUIN THE ABYSS ORDER'S WHOLE CAREER