"So... you didn't stay with me because you liked me?"
Joana looked at me in silence for a few seconds, as if deciding whether it was worth being honest or just ending it right there.
"Maybe at first. But I can't waste time on someone with no prospects. You're nice, Zaatar. But I need someone to take me up a level, to give me status. If it was just a handsome or kind guy, I could choose several my age. Why would I choose someone younger... and weirder like you?"
(Younger and stranger.) That's how she saw me.
I swallowed, trying not to let my face fall.
"Didn't you ever think... that maybe we could grow up together?"
She shook her head with a half-smile of disbelief.
"Grow up together? No. Why would I make the effort? We're different, Zaatar. You're just a servant of House Udrik, a pawn used to hide the young master's identity. And I... I'm the daughter of an excellent merchant. My destiny is to marry a nobleman, to become a baronet, maybe even more. I don't see why I should waste my time on you."
There, at that moment, there was nothing left.
No illusions. No fantasy. No hope.
Just me, trying to keep my composure in front of someone I loved - and who, deep down, never saw me as anything more than a stepping stone.
"So that's it..." I muttered, with a sad smile at the corner of my lips.
"What's so funny?" she asked me, confused.
"At least this time you didn't call me ugly." I tried to joke, even though my chest felt tight. "I think that's a step forward."
I swallowed.
"It was nice to meet you... and thanks for teaching me how to kiss."
Saying that hurt more than I thought it would. It was like letting go of something I didn't want to lose. I looked at her one last time, trying to hold on to that moment - her eyes, the way the wind swayed her hair, the silence that formed between us. But there was no anger. Just a strange sadness and an emptiness that I couldn't explain.
I walked away slowly, my heart heavy with every step. The carriage was waiting for me ahead, standing under the shade of an ancient tree. As I approached, I saw two men standing next to it - armed, serious, like statues.
I recognized them immediately. They were veterans of the House Udrik guard. I knew because I was the one who had kept them away all these days. I didn't want to frighten her. I didn't want her to think I was dangerous. But now it didn't make any difference.
They escorted me to the carriage door, and it was only then that I realized she was still watching me from afar. I saw the way her expression changed when she noticed the silver stripes on the guards' uniforms. Her eyes narrowed. She didn't say anything, but I sensed that her mind was racing.
She was probably connecting the dots.
House Udrik has only two veterans directly serving the family. And why would they be there... with me?
She took a step back. I saw her insecurity growing. She whispered something to herself - I didn't hear exactly what, but her countenance said it all: she was starting to get suspicious.
She turned abruptly and hurried away. Perhaps she was going to tell her father. He was clever, a master at uncovering hidden truths. If there was anyone who could reveal who I really was... it was him.
***
Inside the carriage, I took a deep breath and let my body fall back against the seat. The leather creaked under my weight. The window let in the golden light of late afternoon, and for a second, everything was silent. Everything except the muffled sound of my own breathing.
I felt a tear run down my cheek. Not of regret. It was a mixture of relief and loss. It was my first kiss, after all. And, despite everything, it wasn't a bad memory.
"At least I said what I needed to say." I muttered to myself, running my hand over my face. "No regrets. That's something."
Suddenly, I heard a voice outside.
"Congratulations on your graduation, young master." said Doug, with his usual debauched tone.
"It's still a week away, Doug."
"And who says I'm talking about school? You did well there. You kept your dignity to the end. Rammal bet you'd brag about your status and offer a mountain of gold just to get her into bed. I, on the other hand, swore you'd keep your honor. Hehe..."
"LIAR!" Rammal's voice sounded like thunder. "That fat pile of muscle is distorting everything! You swore he was going to cry and beg the girl not to leave! But look now... the boy's balls must be twice the size of yours!"
I let out a short, choked laugh. That absurd exchange of taunts had snapped me out of my daze. No matter how stupid they were, they always managed to remind me that I wasn't alone. And at that moment, that was all I needed.
***
When I got home, I went straight to venting. My father just laughed, as if the whole thing was a bad comedy. Benta, on the other hand, wanted to run out and beat Joana up. It took me a while to calm her down - but deep down, I confess that part of me wanted to let her go.
That same evening, I decided not to prolong anything.
I went back to the gym the next day and asked to take the final exam early. I bribed the assessors with a few gold coins - nothing much, just enough to guarantee a reserved assessment. I had already mastered all the content for months. I had only stayed there for her.
And now... there was no point.
I don't regret it. Despite everything, it wasn't time wasted. I learned a lot - and not just from the books. I learned about myself. I learned that what I felt for her began to disappear when I realized that she didn't really see me. She didn't want me... she wanted what I represented. The name. The status. The idea.
And that was perhaps the greatest pain.
I didn't want to prove anything to her. I just wanted her to like me... as I am. But I was the only fool who believed in that possibility.
***
A week later, I turned 12.
I spent my time organizing the family library. I shoved my face into the books like someone looking for shelter in a storm. I also started training harder. The physical fatigue helped to keep my mind off things - at least for a few hours.
It was at this time that I got closer to Alfred, the butler. I began to observe his routine, to understand how he managed the castle, how he looked after the accounts and the staff. For the first time, I began to understand the weight of the surname I bear.
And, perhaps, I also began to discover who I was.