It was probably the third Saturday in August 2023 when I was writing a few lyrics of a song, when Matthew asked me who those songs were intended for after seeing them all, I was at a loss for words. I took my time telling him it was for him because at the time, I had no one in mind other than the tiniest affection for him. He wasn't upset with me for having feelings of affection for him, which surprised me. Both of us were unaware of our feelings for one another, but now I could see that we were merely each other's rebound.
Our time together was truly unforgettable; having your best friend as your boyfriend was like a dream come true. To cut right to the chase, my condition at the time was simply that I was shorter than him, therefore I must be only as tall as his shoulders. This was not exactly our scenario, but Matthew and I had a fairly comparable height gap. That's where I fell.
Because we were so infatuated, we were discovered by our teachers and ended our affair after about a week. I wasn't particularly affected by our breakup, but we continued to crave one another, and I could clearly see that our feelings were merely lust.
A month later, we got back together but this time, Steve and Hans, my other two best pals, accompanied me to vent about other topics. Hans kept me company during my tuition lessons, and Steve was my texting buddy. Despite this, they encouraged me to continue dating Matthew.
For a few days, I experienced an odd sensation that I no longer felt any attraction to him. Instead, I felt guilty because, although his feelings for me were sincere, I didn't feel the same way. My head was in total chaos, and I wasn't sure if I was sincere about him.
After learning about my relationship with Matthew, Shane approached me to warn me against him. His advice made some sense. He explained to me why Matthew's previous two girlfriends ended their relationships with him, saying that he is lustful and has no idea how to set boundaries with the other girls.
I had a big issue coming up amidst of all these confusions. To discuss my relationship with Matthew, my class teacher gave me a call. He informed me that his parents were aware of this and believed that I was the primary cause of his distraction. They gave him more attention because he was a late child, and I served only as a distraction. His advice to avoid remaining in an environment where you are not valued was echoed by my greatest friends, who were also my class teachers.
I took step and ended our relationship; Matthew was clearly perplexed by what was going on, but I was overcome with emotion as I considered all the reasons why this should be ended. I simply told him what my class teacher had shared with me when he asked about this.
At that time, Steve and I were like best friends who knew everything about each other, including what the other person had been thinking and doing. It was the kind of relationship that all best friends need. In addition to altering my life, this also altered how other people evaluated me.
Only after I realized Matthew had changed for me—no longer flexing and flirting with other girls—did I realize how serious the breakup was for me. This made me feel even more awful since, even though I cried all night, I couldn't help it and I know that nothing would change. The worst emotion in life is guilt. I lost a closest friend as a result of my foolish thoughts, and I should not have told him anything about how I felt about him. When I realize how he sees me, I feel so heavy that all I can do is sob and feel guilty. He WAS really important.