It was undeniably unsettling to discuss something as ambiguous as the meaning of life with a man late at night.
Even though Roland knew Kotomine Kirei wasn't particularly perverted, the mere atmosphere made his scalp tingle. He shifted his stance instinctively, keeping some distance.
"Kotomine-kun, what exactly do you mean by that?"
"I seek an answer."
Kirei's voice remained steady, undeterred by Roland's guarded tone.
"After these past few days of observation, I'm certain, Roland, you are the one I've been searching for."
Though unsure at first, Kirei had carefully observed Roland. Everything about him aligned with what Kirei was looking for.
He was exceedingly self-disciplined. Though clearly powerful, he lived a modest, peaceful life, seemingly without ambition. And yet, he radiated genuine contentment, something that should be impossible for people like them. People who are innately abnormal. Someone empty.
"I want to understand what is it you pursue. What answers you've found."
The priest in black cassock bowed deeply, solemn and sincere.
"I would give anything for that answer. Please, guide me."
This is bad. I'm trapped.
Roland's mind moved quickly. Maybe it was fate or maybe his luck stat at work, but he had to admit, Kotomine Kirei and Kira Yoshikage were similar. One had accepted his dark urges, the other kept repressing his own, dangerously so.
"Well, it's not something I can't share," Roland said at last with a sigh, "But as you've pointed out, Kotomine-kun, all I can do is offer guidance. Only you can discover your true nature."
Kirei lifted his gaze, confused and unsatisfied. He didn't want vague metaphors. He wanted clarity.
"But no matter how hard I train, no matter how much I work, pray, or fill my life with discipline, the emptiness never fades."
"That's because you're chasing the wrong goal," Roland replied calmly. "Self-discipline has value, it shapes us, helps us restrain our urges. But it's only a means, not an end. A tool to refine ourselves, not a purpose to live for. And because it's painful, our true nature must be the opposite of that pain. Tell me, what feeling lies opposite to that struggle?"
Kirei hesitated, then answered as if expecting rebuke.
"…Pleasure?"
"Exactly." Roland smiled faintly. "Pleasure. Whatever brings us genuine joy is what our true nature longs for. No matter how taboo or sinful it may seem, humanity will always fall for the things that fulfill them."
His fingers twitched unconsciously. As he digested the spirit's influence, the spirit also began to digest him. Even if he still couldn't accept the infamous hand fetish, Roland could feel his inner boundaries, his principles, beginning to shift, if only slightly, this was a start.
"This... this is something I can't do, something thats not allowed to me," Kirei said at once, voice tight with denial, though his eyes remained fixed on Roland, ravenous for more.
"Of course it's not," Roland said, his tone soft yet biting. "But tell me, who determines what's allowed for you to do and what's not? Redemption requires humanity. If you deny your humanity, suppress your nature, reject pleasure, and live in perpetual pain, then how can someone so incomplete ever be worthy of redemption?"
"Even if… even if that pleasure is malicious?"
Kirei's voice trembled, louder now, as if pleading for permission. Roland's answer, however, remained level.
"Even then, especially then. Before learning to love others, you must learn to love yourself."
He stepped forward, his voice now like a siren's call.
"Only when you accept your whole self, even the ugliness, hidden within you, can you become whole. Even if you were born evil, you still have the right to seek redemption and happiness. I am proof of that."
"Ah..."
Kirei gasped softly, a strange mixture of sorrow and joy welling in his chest. For the first time in over thirty years, he felt. Roland was the answer.
He should have hesitated. He should have resisted. Instead, Kotomine Kirei raised his hand with the Command Seals, and offered it to Roland without reservation. He betrayed his father. His teachings. His Master.
[T/N: I think, this means he is offering a handshake without any precautions as he should, not actually offering the command seals to Roland, I was actually confused at this point]
All for this man's affirmation.
"If I ever lose my way again… may I return to you?"
"Of course." Roland reached out and took his hand. Their shake sealed something far more significant than friendship.
"After all, we are friends."
"Friend..." Kirei echoed the unfamiliar word like a sacred prayer.
"Yes," he nodded slowly, eyes reverent. "Then… farewell, my friend, Roland."
When the priest finally left, Roland sighed and furrowed his brow, deeply troubled.
"It seems like every weirdo who's obsessed with me is some kind of villain. Does this mean… I'm not a good person either?"
That thought struck deeper than he expected. Even with supernatural luck, the way he had resonated with Kira Yoshikage's spiritual imprint and guided Kotomine Kirei so naturally…
It didn't feel like acting.
After more than ten days in Fuyuki City, Roland finally began to gain some uncomfortable self-awareness.
"Still," he muttered, stepping out from behind the counter to gaze at the moonlit streets, "even if this was inevitable, the timeline's been accelerated. By my calculations… Tōsaka Tokiomi's bloodbath is coming sooner than expected."
---
Though it was late, the basement workshop of the Tōsaka family was still brightly lit.
"Kirei, is the summoning complete?"
"Yes, Master," Kirei answered with humble precision. "I've confirmed there are no surveillance familiars or enemy scouts nearby."
Tōsaka Tokiomi, dressed in a resplendent crimson suit, nodded with aristocratic composure.
"Excellent. No one would suspect Assassin to be the first summoned. Use this moment to gather intelligence on the other Masters."
"Understood, Master."
Kirei turned calmly toward the empty air beside him.
"Proceed, Assassin."
"As you command, Master," a ghostly voice echoed from the shadows.
"There's no need to hide in front of Master Tōsaka," Kirei added flatly. "He is someone you need not deceive."
With a flicker of spirit particles, Assassin revealed his full form.
He was enormous, hunched, yet still towering over Kirei. The skull mask, black robes, and tightly wrapped bandaged hand marked him unmistakably as Hassan. That hand in particular radiated raw power and threat.
Tokiomi's heart swelled with pride. Not only had his apprentice summoned a rare Heroic Spirit, but he'd even dropped its greatest asset, stealth, by openly revealing its presence, a display of unwavering trust.
How could the Holy Grail not fall into his hands with a disciple like this?
But in his elation, he failed to notice something, a subtle, glinting desire rising in Kotomine Kirei's eyes as he looked at him.
If evil is my instinct… then what about betrayal? A betrayal perfectly timed at the moment of triumph, would that finally satisfy the hunger in my heart?