Ashton sighed as Alexei shooed away all the warriors, gryphons, lions, and even his children then stood over his nest raising a brow. Ashton rolled off of Neolani to sit up. "Come sit while I regale you with my tales of woe."
Alexei stepped into the nest as he finally saw Ashton's full face. "You look pretty similar to the past, was that intentional?"
Ashton twirled the mask in his hands, "If there was intention, they were not mine, by the time I had any reasonable control the process was mostly over. I could have altered my appearance... but it was not a priority." Ashton admitted with a shrug.
Neolani nodded, mildly appeased since it wasn't intentional. "I can feel you've separated your manas. Was that intentional?"
"Yes, my... human body is beyond saving, at this point, it will be less painful to simply heal and seal the human aspects away. I'll need a day or two to solidify what remains... but I'll be pretty defenseless for about a month while my human mana is processed into beast mana. Preferably an area away from the Smyrnaean's since... the pain will be excruciating." Ashton explained.
Neolani took Ashton's hand, "Why can't I feel that?" She asked running her mana through him.
Ashton grinned, "I share my pride, not my pain... if I can help it."
"How about a more controlled healing? Like you've been doing?" Alexei asked.
"I could repair them slowly... but I'm not sure chancing the repeated weakness is a better option. I'd have to reseal my damaged mana channels each time and that eats at my humanity." Ashton explained taking his hand back so he could bite his finger hard enough to draw blood. A moment later his mana channels were projected for even human eyes to see. Just his mana... no need to show his soul... not yet.
Alexei inspected the edges of the channels where the silver was already taking over the red mana channels. Fortunately, all the core channels were still a vibrant red... even the mangled, broken pieces.
"What happens when they all turn silver?" Neolani asked also following the damaged channels.
"Depends on how strong my will is during the ascension. My understanding is, the stronger my resolve, the more of my ... humanity will remain. If I fail, worst case scenario is I'll become a beast who responds instinctively until I am fully mature. At that point I'll slowly get my human memories back." Ashton shrugged as if it were no big deal. If that's what he wanted, he could simply discard his humanity, which would significantly decrease the pain during ascension. Not only would the pain decrease, but his rationality would be better protected.
Alexei leaned against the nest with a sigh, "If we pour our mana into your heart again... will that help?"
Ashton hesitated, "I'm not sure, it wasn't mana Ember poured in... it was her raw emotion. Which has influenced me over the last 13 years, but it is a slow, continuous process. Think of that day as adding a bucket of emotion, when usually I receive only a cup."
Alexei nodded, "So... worst case scenario... we start over from scratch but there will be more of us to share our emotions?"
Ashton met Alexei's eyes and shook his head, "My experiences and understanding of emotion will continue... but actual growth and maturity will be as a beast, not a human."
All three were silent, Neolani took a deep breath, "So a fast heal is our optimal choice to keep your human emotions? What do we need to prepare?"
"I need to mentally prepare first, fixing one mana channel a month has been daunting... in the meantime storing mana and setting a ward so that I ... can't sacrifice my humanity. Just as a precaution." Ashton added when they both stiffened.
"What if we wait until you leave Smyrna?" Alexei offered.
"It would be a gamble, and a race against time." Ashton denied mulling over how to explain just because his flesh wasn't festering, the wound still had to be tended too. Many could not conceive of wounds beyond the flesh. Even if they had the knowledge, firsthand experience was different.
"How much of a race?" Alexei asked, he'd already seen both oaths so... they could manufacture an incident to help push Lucian into failing the last relations. Ashton just hadn't announced all of the currently broken ones yet.
Ashton tilted his head from side to side, "Imagine you've bound your right arm, in a cast so you can't move even your fingers, it's also tied to your chest with a sling. Anytime you move your right arm the cast starts to crumble away. Think of my manas as my currently dominate right arm in a sling, my subordinate mana is my left arm." Ashton set the visual since both were right-handed.
"Okay, so the cast is your seal." Alexei agreed nodding.
"Well, so much as moving a finger causes not only the cast to break... but the finger to... be exposed to poison and rot away. Depending on how severe the movement, I can repair the cast... but the damage is permanent. Even twisting my body and accidentally putting any stress on the arm is damaging." Ashton explained gesturing to the already merged mana channels.
Alexei kept a straight face, "And I assume the arm is already slowly dying even without any external forces."
Ashton gave a wry smile, "Not fast enough to be any concern for at least a year. The problem is all the external forces. The Avarice dragon's blessing is particularly strong with me directly over its hoard. While it's... inconvenient to only have one hand it's not impossible. The problem is my knee jerk reaction to unexpected events."
"So the blessings are fine, but if you were unexpectedly attacked... or upset." Neolani asked raising a brow. "How many times have you been upset?"
"Once... they called me a dragon..." Ashton justified playfully indignant. His Ember was not amused.
Alexei couldn't stop the grin, "That's fair, but... yeah delaying isn't our best option. When do you think you'd be ready? And what happens after you've healed? How dangerous will it be if you're attacked, or your body dies?" Alexei asked more seriously.
"Once I've healed, I'll just be in the optimal state to ascend. My body could burn away the next moment, and it won't make a difference. I just don't want to ascend in Smyrnaean boarders." Ashton shrugged.
"But even that might not be enough for you to keep your humanity?" Neolani questioned not skirting the implication.
Ashton met her eyes, "There isn't a guaranteed way, Ember. But any damage to my soul or mana will have to be healed during my ascension, that pain will be multiplied. My body will already be burning away... so not much I can do to prepare for that other than endure."
"What if we separate you soul from your body? Like the golems?" Alexei asked.
"Once it's fully removed, I can't reattach it. And my body is the fuel for my ascension, no fuel eventually my soul will be forced to find another body. I removed enough of my soul and gave them sentience so they could develop into separate beings, but I'll never recover them." Ashton explained as the golems peaked their heads into the nest.
Neolani grimaced, being stuck inside a body that was burning didn't sound pleasant on even the best of days. "How long do you need to prepare for a full heal?"
Ashton had much to do before he would allow himself to be so weakened, "The sooner the better physically... but to be in prime condition at least a month. How soon to prepare and charge the ward?" He must punish the oath breakers, see his Beloved fly, find a hopefully permanent solution to their current... predicament.
Neolani thought about it, "The creation will be intricate and time consuming. If nothing goes wrong at least two weeks. We can't start charging the mana crystals until the ward is set, and it wouldn't be a good idea to move them after... so another week if we charge nonstop."
Ashton nodded, "I'll make sure all my preparations are ready, can you make it mobile? It would be better to not reveal the location, or what will be happening if possible." He needed to find a way to get the imperials away from the Eastern palace while the Inago charged the mana. Ashton tapped the edge of his nest as he leaned back. So much to do.
Neolani hesitated, "We can, but once it's moved it will be more fragile which would require mana than we can currently store."
"Let's set it up here but if the area becomes compromised... better safe than sorry." Ashton sighed. Human constructs were often fragile, after his mana channels were soothed, he may see what improvements he could make. But for now... he'd best not tempt himself.
Alexei didn't say what they were all thinking... more likely an accident would occur forcing them to use the ward early. Ashton also couldn't help... because then if he grew desperate enough, he could break out of the ward and give into the pain.
Ashton arched his body, then adjusted so his head was resting on the edge of the nest. "Do you think less of me?" They may not understand all the implications, but he was far from ignorant. This was all mostly to please his Ember. As he was now, the probability of him keeping his humanity was miniscule at best.
Neolani was genuinely bewildered, "Of course not."
"... even though I thought... about using you as an excuse to just surrender and become a mindless beast?" Ashton asked looking at the ceiling. Ashton let the emotions wash over him. Let the humanity sink in, unlike Ru, his life was far from unending, thought they were both considered eternal. For now. If his Ember poured her love and happiness into his heart, that would be one thing. But like all humans her emotions were inconsistent and varied.
"Al... I never..." Neolani wasn't even sure what to say.
Ashton's heart clenched, "Maybe I just want any excuse... claiming you wanted to kill them all wouldn't damage my pride if I lost my humanity..." Ashton's voice trailed off. So few times had anyone ever called him Al affectionately. He took a deep breath. Not all of humanity was bad, acting like a child who only wanted the best of both worlds would do him no favors.
"Alphonse Seibel, you have always been my greatest pride." Neolani swore crawling forward.
"Ember... no sin beast has ever ascended with their humanity." Ashton stated, he had searched every record available in Seibel, Smyrna, Adar, Melum, Maricar, Lolland, Nuuk, Puyallup, Kake, Gippsi, the mage tower, and dozens of tiny territories. Some had still been sane, but they could hardly be considered human.
Neolani hugged Al around his waist, "You will be the first."
"... it hurts. Everything just always hurts. As Alphonse, as Ashton." Ashton admitted as his eyes burned. The pain may not be all encompassing flames, but it was a persistent chill to his very bones. No, the more his memories returned, the more he realized the chill penetrated his very soul. He, a beast of fire, stuck in a decaying body, with a frozen soul. Even as Alphonse the chill had been overwhelming but at the time he regarded the chill from the experiments of the Seibel king. Now he knew better, why he instinctively sought out a keeper for his heart, though he'd only ever parted with Neolani. Why he went through cycles of having memories, or having none. Why the pain was a constant companion. Why he continued to search... for the missing piece of his heart... the most precious part of his soul...
"I would make it stop if I could." Neolani swore rubbing her face into his stomach. She would not cry damn it!
"Ember... what will happen when you die?" He'd known instinctively he had to hand his heart to someone else... not for safekeeping either. There was a more primal reason... he was searching for something... no. He knew why shortly after entering the capital, but the actual memories still eluded him. The more he focused on the thought, the clearer a distant memory of seas of blood and white feathers flashed past. For now, the knowledge was like that gleamed from a hastily skimmed book rather than firsthand.
"I will always be with you." Neolani promised, Al sounded... so lost.
"My body is dying, my emotions are dying, I'm dying." Ashton finally admitted not only out loud, but to himself. Once started... he let the emotions sweep through him like a tidal wave.
"What if it's not me? What if its not just my body that will be used as fuel."
"Theo stabbed me... Rosaline poisoned me. Ember... they didn't break my heart... they shattered it." Ash whispered reliving the pain and feeling the betrayal. The betrayal that still made little sense, emotionally he'd been devoted to both of their happiness and wishes. Logically, he'd protected them if not from a hundred deaths, then at least several dozen. Yet once again, he was used then discarded. Yes, he could have continued to liv... but none of them had given him a reason to.
"They tried to take my heart." Theo and his mother had used him like a tool. Even without knowing he was a beast in human skin, they had never considered him human. The pain of betrayal was compounded by the fact... he couldn't betray them.
"No... my mana core... they never treated me like I was human."
"My promise was my reason to liv, I'd already sworn to give Theo the throne..." when he'd noticed the poison, he'd lost half his motivation to liv. The other half gone when Theo stabbed him. Ashton navigated the emotions pouring into him. Hurt, rage, betrayal, fear, despair... there was more flooding into his heart.
"I always protected them, Ember... I died. Alphonse died." Ashton choked on the admission through ragged breaths. The emotions were like crashing waves while he was only a pebble. But, they weren't... his emotions.
Neolani couldn't stop her tears as she pulled Al closer, "I'm here. Al, I'm here." Was all she could say. She should have gone to him, she'd known the palace was treacherous at best... she just... never considered anyone would be able to hurt him. Alphonse the Invincible, defender of the country, strongest mage seen in hundreds of years.
"I died... I lost... no, they abandoned me. Everyone but you. What will happen if you leave?" Ash asked, ahh, now it all made sense. These suffocating emotions... thoughts. They didn't belong to Ashton... or Alphonse. Nonetheless they swept over him and dragged him under. Again and again throughout the decade, at random, sometimes inexplicable moments.
"I'll, really be, a beast Ember." Ash could barely breathe as doubts started to crash into him. Searching for something, something that was his. Surely, there was at least one.
Neolani didn't let go even as Al's body was rocked with suppressed sobs. All she could do was be here, and hope. Hope she and her people would be enough for Alphonse to liv for. Hope he could find comfort among her people, hope he could fly over the Savannah like the mighty king she knew he was meant to be.
"I'm... I'm so tired of being alone... I'm lonely." Ashton accepted the thought, grabbed and held onto it. This, this was his. He didn't want to be alone anymore. Not physically, mentally... he wanted to be accepted.
Neolani tightened her grip around Alphonse, continuing to listen and just be here. She felt the warm tears, only a few but... if only she could make it better. At the very least, she could be here for Al. She wouldn't leave or betray him. Instead of always being protected... she would keep him safe now.
Alexei watched, even today Alphonse had never let anyone see his doubts. But of course, with human emotions came human doubts. Alexei pulled Neolani into his lap as she continued to rock Al back and forth.
After several minutes Ashton calmed enough to take a deep breath. Then he relaxed into the embraces. After a few more minutes Ashton had reigned in the waves of emotion.
"If you could go back... would you have rather died?" Alexei asked leaning back with over 300 pounds in his lap, he still managed to drag them to his side of the nest.
Ashton didn't answer right away, "No."
"Al, Ash. We can't change what they did. But no matter what, we can at least be here to pick you up, cuddle you to sleep, and make sure you aren't alone." Alexei promised.
"Some beast of pride, yeah?" Ash asked turning his head to look at them. Their roles were so reversed... karma had taken its time.
Neolani kissed Ash's cheek, "The best soon to be beast of pride. For now, a young man."
Ash laughed, as forced as it was. "I guess so... are emotions usually so... overwhelming? I feel like either I'm drowning in them... or I feel nothing at all. At least as Alphonse, I felt them... but they were so... insubstantial."
Neolani ruffled his hair, "Part of having emotions is learning to control them."
Ashton hesitated, "I felt in control as Alphonse, and even prior to this, but after entering the capital... it's all or nothing. I've been... overcompensating kindness to hide how often I just cut the emotions off."
Alexei and Neolani shared a look, "In records, many witnesses confirmed how emotional sin and virtue beasts were the closer to ascending they were. Though beasts of virtue often became saintly tranquil before they ascended." Alexei reminded hesitantly.
"Overly emotional yes, but... when I cut the emotion off... its harder to draw it back out. I haven't red anything similar. When I was Alphonse my emotions were practical at best. I'm more bothered now at the betrayal than I was looking Theo in the eye as he stabbed me." Ashton tried to explain.
Neolani bit her lip, "Maybe we could ask the Fae? And ask for their records of ascending beasts?"
Ashton leaned back, forcing Ember to lean back, "Elwen said I was unusually... calm for a beast. Though he did manage to bring out rare anger for me back then."
Alexei was finally able to inner lock his fingers over Ash's stomach as they straightened out. "I'll send a messenger to the forest. Asking doesn't cost us anything, and even if we barter... we need more information."
"Okay, I'll bring out some gifts. Now that I've cried my heart out... I'm hungry. And could also use a nap." Ashton announced.
Alexei grinned, "Lunch for three, then a short nap. I would still like to hear... how it happened. Just so I know how far my foot needs to go up a few asses, and how many spines I need to rip out."
Neolani rolled her eyes, "I am sure there will be a line, but eventually yes. When you're ready, Ash."
"Tomorrow... today... my pride needs time to recover." Ashton half teased.
Alexei personally brought in food and was again dumbfounded when Ashton ate more than his body mass in a single sitting. "You sure you aren't a beast of gluttony or something?"
Ashton glanced up, then looked at the salmon that had once taken up more than half the table weighing over 50 pounds. "Jealous you don't have any more room?" Ashton asked picking out the last few bites from the ribs.
Alexei's lips twitched, of the king salmon all that was left was the head and ribs. He'd had a much more modest baked pink salmon. "I like my figure as is."
Ashton eyed Alexei's firm six pack, tone arms and thighs, the definition from his shoulders down to flexing his toes. "Hmm... you are objectively attractive. Though I imagine in the coming days your appetite will increase."
Alexei squinted at Ashton... "So you're the culprit for our spike in hunger... guess I will make sure everyone is replenishing regularly."
Ashton batted his eyes, then opened them as wide as he could. "Eh?" he asked innocently.
Neolani burst out laughing, "We expected as much, now if you're done eating lets nap in the sun."
Ashton popped one last bite of potato in his mouth as he stood up, "Sun naps do sound appealing." Ashton wiped his face, snagged a blanket for five, then followed Darvic and the nest outside.
Darvic picked an open area that would get uninterrupted sunlight for several hours before he set the nest down. When the five humans were settled, he used his beak to set the blanket, then curled his body around the nest.