--Subaru suddenly found himself being led into a world of darkness once again.
A consciousness that wanders aimlessly. With all of his organs such as hands, feet, eyes and ears gone, the existence known as Natsuki Subaru drifts in the void as a consciousness in name only.
In this world, there is no ground and no end in sight. Darkness spreads endlessly, dyed jet black, and shadows cover everything.
However, although Subaru had been summoned here unconsciously just like before, there was one thing that was clearly different.
Whereas previously even his memories had been hazy and it had been difficult for him to even have a will of his own, in this eternal darkness, Subaru was now clearly aware of his own existence.
They have no limbs or body and are unable to put their will into action.
However, he was allowed to direct his will to thought and to ponder reason.
A fleeting dream world that you forget once you wake up.
The garden of shadows always brings a sense of nostalgia to Subaru.
Every time I come here I meet a dear "someone," whose face and voice I don't know.
The darkness in front of me began to shift, and I saw the shadow slowly take shape.
A slender, jet black body was born, with a right and left hand clearly connected to the body. What had previously only had one arm now had regained both, and the newly born palm was stretched out towards Subaru as if seeking his presence.
Subaru's heart was reflexively drawn to it, wanting to touch it, wanting it.
However, he has no way to respond to it; even if he wanted to say something, he has no mouth, so he can't do anything.
Subaru can't touch her, and she can't touch him.
Just to desire Subaru, how much time had she spent building her body? How much time and sacrifice had those outstretched arms taken?
Subaru unconsciously understood this, yet he was overcome with despair at his own powerlessness.
"--i love you"
The shadow, its unseen expression twisted in grief, was whispering words of love to Subaru.
I want to respond to those words, I must respond. I want to reciprocate with my voice, my actions, my love.
Without love, one cannot face the love offered to one another. And yet――
"ーーSubaru."
Someone called out his name.
The formless consciousness realized that the voice had not come from the girl in front of her, but from behind her. Eyes that shouldn't exist looked behind. In the darkness, a point of light floated.
The voice was definitely coming from there.
"i love you"
"Subaru."
At the same time, words are spoken. I want to return the love. I must answer the call.
The voice of the girl standing before him, the voice of someone coming from the light behind himーー as if guided and drawn in, Subaru's consciousness gradually drifted away from the Garden of Shadows.
As if drawn towards the light.
Subaru's state of mind made the voice before him tremble with anguish.
"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you--"
"--Please, Subaru."
Repeated whispers of love. A name called with only pure feelings.
Remember your name, and remember the person who calls you by it.
I remember what I have to do. I remember where I have to go. --And that's why I can't stay here.
"Love me..."
"Next time, I'll definitely come to see you."
A mouth that didn't exist, a will that couldn't possibly be conveyed, cut off the words and announced a decision.
The voice goes silent. The distance grows distant. My consciousness is swallowed up from the world of shadow into the world of light, enveloped in a pure white glow and disappears.
『--- I'll be waiting.』
Finally, leaving only that mutter, Subaru's consciousness dissolved into the lightーー,
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
Consciousness rises from the ocean of sleep, breaks through the surface of wakefulness, and the eyelids open.
The sunlight stung his eyes terribly upon waking, and in his blurred vision, with tears in his eyes, he saw a pair of faintly shining amethyst eyes. They were so close, so close he could almost feel them breathing, so beautiful it was captivating, and he could practically feel the breath coming from those pink lips - it made him anxious to death.
"It's close to your face!"
"Wah, ah, Subaru, you're awake! Ah, I'm glad. Really."
He noticed that the eyes of Emilia were so close, and as he realized that her face was close enough for him to breathe on, his consciousness instantly went from hazy to fully awake. He glanced over at the panicked Subaru, and Emilia patted his chest in relief, seemingly unaware of his heart beating fast.
Damn, she's so cute. Subaru followed her movements with his eyes, and noticed that the angle between him and Emilia was strange.
Subaru: "I'm lying down, and Emilia-tan is sitting upright. And, keeping in mind that at this distance there's a heavenly feeling underneath my head…"
"There's no need to check like that, just use your lap pillow. Is it comfortable?"
"Do you know how peacefully I was sleeping? Of course not. This is the best reward for my hard work."
Subaru unashamedly rested his head on his lap and laughed heartily. Seeing Subaru's smile, Emilia softly tightened the corners of her mouth, which had been loose with relief.
The atmosphere changes. We need to confirm that each other is safe and talk further.
"Well, can I ask how things went?"
"I'm the one who wants to know what's going on… It's about what happened after the magic ore Subaru took from the dragon carriage exploded. It was really tough."
Emilia remained in the same position, lowering her eyes and slowly recounting the whole story.
Subaru had jumped out of the carriage without any explanation, and had raced off on his earth dragon much faster than anyone could have chased after him. When he tried to chase after him, Puck and Otto had stopped him, and he had nearly fainted at the sight of an explosion of flames rising in the distance. He had frantically gone looking for Subaru under the fallen Great Flugel Tree, and found Subaru and Patrasche on the ground. It seemed Patrasche had been hovering over Subaru to protect him.
"Patrasche, what happened? I remember it felt like you were licking my face before you lost consciousness."
"She was still licking him after Subaru fainted. When I tried to separate him from him to treat him, she got really angry and growled. If that peddler... Otto-kun hadn't spoken to me, I might not have been able to start treating him."
"Damn you, Patrasche. How rude of you to Emilia-tan... No, you tried to protect me no matter who came. What a loyal dragon you are, I'm in love with you."
He'd only known Patrasche for a day and a half, but the number of near-death experiences they'd had together since they'd entered this world was already the highest. That was because this loop had been a series of carnage. In truth, he wouldn't have been able to get this far without Patrasche's help. He was nothing more than an earth dragon borrowed from Crusch, but if Crusch was going to give him a reward――
"Let's have Patrasche, let's do that. Let's do this forever, partner... that's how it goes, but what about Patrasche?"
"The burns were severe, but his life doesn't seem to be in danger. I administered first aid, but now Ferris is looking after Wilhelm and the others."
"Yeah...Ferris has joined us too."
When Ferris' name came up during the conversation about treatment, Subaru relaxed his shoulders in relief. Despite his many spiteful comments and actions towards Subaru, there was no doubt about his skill as a healer. The treatment for Patrasche would also go smoothly.
At the same time, the fact that he had been so late in leaving the village and had joined us like this...
"Maybe I've been asleep for a long time?"
"About four or five hours, I think. If it weren't for the conversation mirror, we would probably have been rushing to the royal capital to find a healer."
As she spoke, Emilia held in her hands one of the conversation mirrors used by Petelgeuse and the others. One had belonged to Julius, one to Ferris, and the other to Subaru, which she had apparently borrowed from Subaru's pocket after he had lost consciousness. This was likely because she had noticed Ferris's call. Thanks to the contact, Subaru's treatment was also able to be carried out.
"So, I guess everyone is joining up then."
"Ferris was like that too... and Julius too. I was really surprised. I never imagined Subaru and Julius being together."
Subaru: "There's a reason why it's greener than the mountains and the sea, Emilia-tan. To explain it from scratch is, frankly, kind of depressing…"
The relationship between Julius and Subaru that had surprised Emilia was difficult to put into words. Or rather, even Subaru didn't really understand what kind of relationship he and Julius had.
He is an extremely hateful enemy, an arrogant and unlikable but capable ally, and a comrade who will stand by you in situations where each of your mistakes could cost the other your life.
In other words, if you were to describe him in one word,
"I hate that guy."
"Why are you suddenly speaking broken English?"
Subaru: "I tried to express my feelings towards that person, which are difficult to put into words, in my own words. I'm sure you can guess the result. …What about everyone else now?"
Feeling uncomfortable continuing the topic any further, he changed the subject. Emilia gave Subaru a reluctant smile and continued, "That's right."
"We're taking a rest until Ferris' treatment is complete. But I think it'll be over soon, so we'll head to the capital again... I think. It looks like I need to talk to Crusch-san, and thanks to Subaru for your hard work, I'll be able to."
"Wow, I did my best. I made it through Magic Away using a lot of bluffing and cheating. It still makes my stomach churn when I think about it!"
"Yeah, really... thank you."
Emilia honestly thanked him, and Subaru immediately felt embarrassed at his over-confident reply of, "Ah, no." But it was true that his actions had brought about a positive outcome for her. There was no need to hide it any longer.
Thinking about this fact once again, Subaru was overwhelmed with genuine joy.
It felt like a lot of memories had been accumulated since the days up until now, since that time that had led to their separation. With each repetition, Subaru had accumulated time that Emilia did not know about.
Subaru had made the most of what it had gained in that time to achieve this moment. Those results were rightly worthy of praise, and they were full of confidence.
I did this much. I accumulated this much. Finally, I have arrived here.
And so, this time, Subaru felt he had finally gained the right to put into words the foolish words he'd spoken at that time.
Looking around, they seemed to be in the bed of a dragon carriage with its hood open. There was no sign of anyone nearby, only Subaru and Emilia were there. They didn't know what the others were doing, but in the silence the only thing they could hear was the rustling of the wind, and it was as if the world was cut off for just the two of them.
Strangely enough, the situation is the same as it was then.
I wake up covered in wounds, unconscious, and alone in a place with her.
"It feels like I've been dreaming for a long time..."
In fact, the events that had occurred from that moment of separation to this loop - this final loop - felt so unreal, as if they had been a dream or something. Subaru had been pushed into such extreme situations so many times, and had been knocked into the abyss of despair so many times.
Truly, all that could be said was a series of nightmares.
"Bad dreams... no, that's not it."
"Was it a good dream?"
Tilting her head, Emilia asked the same question as Subaru.
Closing his eyes at her words, Subaru recalled the days he had almost concluded were a "nightmare." It was certainly a succession of hopeless situations, one he could never look back on and laugh about; it was a succession of scenes he wished he could erase from his memory.
He acted foolishly, behaved selfishly, imposed his will on others, had his expectations cruelly betrayed, was overcome with disappointment and despair, fell into a mental breakdown, gave himself over to a bout of madness, and was overcome with resignation and on the verge of abandoning everything - but then he was rescued.
It won't be undone. Without it, Subaru wouldn't be here today.
So those days were like a dream, but at the same time all I could notice were the hardships.
"Good, it was real."
That long, long, nightmarish time remains only in Subaru's mind.
You can put it behind you. But you can't let it become a dream. You must bear the consequences of the tragedy that your actions have caused, and the tragedy that you have caused.
That was the cross that Subaru, who had been held captive by the power beyond common sense known as "Return by Death" and had used that power to carve out his own future, must bear.
"How much of the story have you been listening to?"
Subaru told me to ask him about it."
"That guy, he's really nosy."
Maybe he thought he was being considerate or something, but his assist was so nice it made me sick.
Subaru laughed mischievously at Julius' plan and sighed.
He held his breath briefly and looked at Emilia.
"That day, you asked me 'why'. Why are you helping me? Why do you try so hard? Why?"
"Yes, I heard that. And then, Subaru said it was because I helped him. …But I didn't do anything like that. I couldn't do anything at all. I was always being helped by Subaru, and I couldn't do anything for him. And yet, Subaru was hurt because of me…"
"Well, something was wrong with me back then..."
I want to say that something was wrong, but I find myself unable to say it.
It wasn't that he was crazy. At that time, the man called Natsuki Subaru was a weak, foolish man who only thought about himself, and he believed that it was correct.
I just assumed that my pushy, self-centered feelings would be accepted.
Subaru knows the end of a man who loudly proclaimed the existence of such selfish love. He experienced it with his own body, and crushed that love with his own hands.
I also burned into my memory the image of a man who truly proved the existence of devoted love.
"At that time, I was only thinking about myself. I'll admit it. I was just drunk on the idea of 'trying my best for you', even though I said I was doing it for you. I assumed that if I acted like that, you would accept it."
"Subaru…"
"I'm sorry. I was using you and enjoying myself. Everything I said back then was right. I was wrong. ...But, there were also times when I wasn't wrong."
Subaru had used Emilia for his own benefit. He had accepted her tearful cry. But looking back at the scene where he had been rejected, there was one thing he could not give up.
"I want to help you. I want to be of strength to you. That's completely true, it's not a lie."
"...Yeah, I understand."
Emilia nodded at Subaru's words.
Then, her amethyst eyes shook wildly, and she blinked once as she gazed upon Subaru.
and,
"Why are you helping me?"
The words he spoke then. The words he asked me again just a few hours ago.
Now too, the words were offered in search of an answer. Subaru had only one answer.
"--I love Emilia, so I want to be your strength."
Staring straight into her eyes, Subaru stated it clearly.
--In the end, the origin of Subaru's actions can be summed up in one simple thing.
I want to be her strength, I want to be by her side, I want to help her, I want to see her smile, I want to be next to her, and I want to live a future with her.
I love Emilia with all my heart and soul, from head to toe, even to my soul.
And so, even if Subaru faces near death, even if he in fact dies many times, even if he is hurt and hated and suffers, he crawls up, clings on, and ends up coming back like this.
Just how many detours did I have to go through to find that simple answer? I was astonished at my own stupidity.
"――――"
Hearing Subaru's answer, Emilia closed her lips and chose silence.
Looking up at her with an uncanny sense of calm, Subaru, who was filled with a sense of accomplishment, suddenly realized something terrible.
--Wait, so I've seriously confessed and am waiting for a reply?
For Subaru, who had never confessed or been confessed to in his life, this was the first unbelievable situation to ever happen to him. That was a lie, he had been confessed to before. And in this world, to the adorable, adorable Rem. But that was a separate issue. Love for Rem and love for Emilia are two different issues, even if they are on the same vector.
And as Subaru was agonizing in his mind without changing his expression, Emilia's expression suddenly changed. She bit her lip, and her wide-open amethyst eyes narrowed slightly, as if she were about to burst into tears at any moment.
"I-I'm... a half-elf."
"I know."
With a trembling voice, Emilia reaffirms that it is too late now.
Subaru's immediate response made her gasp, then she shook her head,
"I have silver hair and I'm half-elf... I look the same as a witch, so a lot of people shun me and hate me. Really, a lot of people hate me."
"I saw it. I know it. They're just blind people."
It's ridiculous to be swayed by appearances, especially because they resemble a great criminal from the past. How can anyone dislike her without seeing anything about her true nature?
"I don't have much experience with people, so I don't have any friends. I'm naive, so I sometimes say strange things... Also, because of my contract, I have a different hairstyle almost every day, and the reason why I have to become king... is very, very selfish..."
I can see her impatience when she tries to list her flaws and ends up saying unnecessary things. And now I even love her weakness as she tries to put her lack of self-confidence into words and affirm it.
"No matter what anyone says to you, Emilia, or what you think of yourself, I love you. I really like you. I really like you. I want to be by your side forever. I want to hold your hand forever."
"a..."
"If you tell me ten things you don't like about yourself, I'll tell you two thousand things I like about you"
He raised himself up from Emilia's lap, and looked her in the eye so that they were at eye level.
Emilia looked at Subaru with her mouth slightly open, and tears quickly gathered in her eyes. Large drops of tears flowed as she blinked, drawing transparent trails down her pale cheeks.
"That's how I want to treat you, my special treatment."
"...It's the first time in my life that I've been treated so specially and felt happy."
Subaru reached out a hand to gently hold back the tears that were falling. As Subaru's hand touched his cheek, Emilia's palm touched his, and they exchanged intensely hot body heat.
She closed her eyes, feeling Subaru's fingertips on her cheek,
"Why two thousand?"
"Because a hundred times more is not enough to express my feelings."
When Subaru smiles, showing his teeth, Emilia also shows a look of laughter and tears.
That smile was so dazzling that even the tears that fell were like jewels, and I couldn't help but laugh at what a cheap man I was, getting so much satisfaction from just a smile.
Laughing like that, Emilia rubbed her cheek against Subaru's fingertips,
"I'm happy. I'm really happy. I never thought the day would come when someone would tell me they liked me."
In her life up until that point, being "special" had simply meant discrimination.
That's why she was so afraid of being treated "specially" by someone. Despite knowing how she felt, Subaru still gave her "special treatment."
If no one else did it, then only Subaru in this world.
"What should I do? Subaru is telling me his feelings like that... but I don't know what to do."
"There's no need to rush. I don't need an answer right away. I've already decided that I'll get the OK in a proper way."
She has had little experience of being liked by someone, which makes her seem childish and adorable. No one rushes her or demands an answer.
When she comes to understand more fully what it means to be liked by someone, and realizes that she too is capable of loving someone, I want to be the person to whom she can direct those feelings.
I strongly believe that I am the kind of man who is worthy of having those feelings directed at me.
"Is it okay? I wonder. For someone like me...for someone like me to receive so many wonderful things. Feeling so happy, feeling so luxurious..."
"That's fine, let's be extravagant. You can never have too much happiness, so if there's too much left over, just distribute it."
--that's why.
"It's okay to take your time, Emilia. Take your time and relax as you grow to like me. I'll do my best to make you fall head over heels in love with me as I walk beside you."
"Hii," Emilia's throat made a small noise.
She put her hands to her cheeks and the tears she couldn't hold back started to flow.
Reaching out, Subaru stroked her long, beautiful silver hair.
Softly, softly, gently.
All the while, Emilia had been crying the whole time.
Subaru continued to stroke his beloved girlfriend for the whole time.
--Under the sky as evening approached, the stranger and the silver-haired half-demon huddled together and exchanged feelings.
A long, long cycle of hardship and despair.
Having overcome that, I was finally able to enjoy some calm and quiet time.
This is just a story to get me this time.
It's a story of taking detours, constantly missing each other, and constantly being lost.
A boy with no self-confidence confesses his feelings to a girl with no self-confidence.
That's all I worked hard for - that's the whole story.