--Slowly, hold your breath just as you turn the doorknob.
Somehow, I had a feeling.
As I calmed myself down like this and walked around the mansion, one door suddenly caught my attention.
Leaving Emilia and the others in the living room, Subaru was given a little time to wander around the mansion on his own, and as he stepped into the second floor hallway of the main mansion, he found it.
The moment I reach there and touch the doorknob, my hesitation turns to certainty, and by the time I push the door open, I have no doubts whatsoever.
If you just accept that it is there and step into the room,
"Hey, it's been a while."
The Forbidden Library spread out before Subaru's eyes, unchanged from before.
The girl who was the occupant of the dimly lit room also looked unchanged and was sitting in front of Subaru - on the step of a ladder that she was using as a chair, flipping through a book.
"--I thought there was a commotion at the mansion, so maybe she had returned."
The girl who glanced up and saw Subaru reflected in her eyes - Beatrice - muttered this in a bored voice. She then quickly lost interest and dropped her eyes to her book,
"If you're back, that means Nicha must be back too. I wonder if it bothers you that you can sense that girl and the other unnecessary bugs following you around?"
"Puck might be recharging his energy, but he hasn't shown his face yet, and I don't like how he's treating Emilia-tan like an afterthought. I'll ignore how he's treating Otto this time, though, since he's just an insect."
"You're so noisy."
Beatrice snorted at Subaru's pointless remark and crossed her legs under the skirt of her extravagant dress. Seeing this, Subaru slowly walked towards her inside the Forbidden Library and formed his words.
"Even so, it's been quite a while since we last met. The last time was with Pete... no, that wasn't there... I guess the last time was before we left for the royal capital. It's been about ten days, I guess."
"I guess that's still the case. As far as Betty is concerned, as long as she's spending her time in this room, she isn't particularly interested in the amount of time passing outside."
"That's a story I don't really understand. Also, when you're talking to people, look up from your book. I know you're happy to see me after ten days, and you might be blushing."
"I'd like to make you spit blood out of your slippery mouth right now and turn you pale."
Subaru couldn't help but smile at the girl's words, which didn't hide her irritation.
Whenever he spoke with the girl who was the guardian of the Forbidden Library, Subaru couldn't help but want to ruin the stubborn, composed expression on her face.
He cracks jokes, mocks her with his actions, and only makes her more indignant, before getting kicked out.
It seemed like I was even enjoying these kinds of exchanges. I couldn't really understand why I was feeling this way about her.
"Your return means that the recent turmoil has died down."
Subaru: "I noticed… But that's obvious. Emilia-tan and Ram said they'd searched for you too, so you should apologize properly later."
"Betty? Apologizing? I have no idea why anyone would need to do that."
Letting out a well-formed snort, Beatrice closed the book with a clunk and stood up from the stepladder. She then returned the thick bound volume to the shelf, then stretched again to pull out the book next to it. Unable to bear the sight of her struggling with the height, Subaru stood next to her,
"Here, this is it."
"...I guess it's the one next to him. If you're going to meddle, you should burn it all down properly."
"You ungrateful loli...Hey, don't drop it. If you drop it on the top of your foot, it'll be no joke because it's so heavy."
Subaru was a little surprised at the weight of the book he pulled out as he tried to hold it in one hand. He handed it over carefully and with a casual air, and Beatrice took it in her hands, holding it close to her chest. Subaru glanced at the title of the book, but it contained more than just the letter "I", and Subaru didn't currently have the linguistic ability to decipher it.
"I guess I won't thank you."
"It's a typical line for a tsundere or silent character, but to be honest, when I say it, I feel like it's the same as saying 'Thank you.'"
At the very least, the fact that he decided that this was a situation in which he should express his gratitude shows his good nature. Beatrice frowned in disgust at Subaru's remark and turned her face away, while Subaru scratched his head at her stubborn attitude,
"You don't have to thank me or anything, but you should tell them properly. They were worried about leaving you at the mansion."
"You're worried about me..."
"Don't say something so lame as to say you didn't ask for it. Most people in the world are born even if they didn't ask for it, and even if they don't want to be worried about, they are worried about. …The second half of the story isn't about you, it's about the people around you being good people."
It goes without saying that Emilia and Ram are good-natured people. Emilia's behavior is perfect, while Ram's behavior is poor, but on the inside...
However, Beatrice didn't nod at Subaru's words trying to persuade her, instead she turned her face away and bit her lip,
"But in the end, he left the mansion... leaving Betty behind."
"What's that? You're not going to tell me you didn't want to be left behind, are you? You shut yourself away from me by hiding behind the door, it's not like you're being bothersome or anything."
"It's a door-crossing. I think they'll just unwillingly change it to a pointless nickname... Besides, it's an insult to Betty to even make such speculations."
Beatrice doesn't acknowledge what Subaru says, instead looking in the opposite direction and maintaining her stubborn attitude. Sensing a danger different to her usual behavior, Subaru frowns and is at a loss as to what to do.
If she's in a bad mood before we even get to the main topic, I won't be able to bring up the topic I need to talk about. And I don't have any magic bullets to cheer her up.
"Well, whatever. If you're that stubborn, I'll tell Emilia-tan that I was the one who repeatedly said thank you while crying."
"Don't make it up. It's been a long time since you last shed a tear."
"What, you think crying is embarrassing? If you think like that when you're a kid, you won't know how to express your emotions when you become an adult. At least when you're a kid, you should just cry your head off without thinking about the consequences."
"There's something meaningful in the words of a man who cried in ecstasy on the lap of the woman he loved."
"Could you please forget about that?"
Perhaps out of consideration, Emilia doesn't dig up Subaru's dark past.
It was when I was caught off guard by the fact that I was suppressing my true feelings with my foolish, unbridled excitement, and had pushed myself too hard, until my dam was about to burst.
The flood of tears burst on Emilia's lap, and Subaru sobbed and cried as he let out all the emotions that had been building up inside him since he was summoned to the other world.
When I remember that time, my face gets so hot that it feels like it might burn. But the memory also shines deep in my heart with the same heat.
Scratching his cheek, Subaru sealed away those memories as he glanced over at Beatrice. With the same bored expression as always, she sat down on the ladder again, opened the book Subaru had handed her, and began to slowly scan its contents.
It was clear that she was refusing to talk, but if Subaru backed down like that, there would be no point in him coming here.
"Anyway, leaving aside the question of whether you will cry or not... there's something I want to ask you, is that okay?"
"Whether it's good or bad, it's up to you to say what you want."
The response, accompanied by the faint sound of turning pages, implied "Whether I answer or not is another matter," and was uncooperative. Although uncooperative, he still considered it a given that permission had been given. Subaru nodded "Okay," and was about to bring up the main subject of his reason for coming here--
"--Now that I think about it, you noticed the commotion outside, but you had no reaction."
However, what came out of Subaru's mouth was not what he had imagined, but a rehash of the previous conversation.
Subaru's words caused Beatrice, who had been looking down at her book, to lift her gaze. Feeling himself reflected in her piercing gaze, Subaru took a small breath,
"While you were pretending not to notice, things were pretty crazy outside. A group of mysterious people were surrounding the mansion..."
"Stop it."
"If I hadn't been there, barely managing to bring back reinforcements from the royal capital, who knows what would have happened. Plus, I was able to return home without any problems myself..."
"Maybe I should stop."
"It's tears to hear and tears to talk about, but to add insult to injury we have to go through a Queen Bee-like journey...!"
A dry sound exploded, and Subaru's rapid-fire speech was forcibly interrupted.
Looking closer, the source of the sound was Beatrice's hand - the sound of an open book being slammed shut. Subaru made an awkward face, realising what Beatrice had intended, but the girl shot him a merciless, sharp glare,
"You should get straight to the point, you coward."
"...Ah."
There is no negation.
Beatrice's words were correct, she had seen through Subaru's weakness in trying to run away. Afraid of the answer to the question he should have asked, and trying to take the long way around.
"You are..."
Take a breath, close your eyes, and listen to your heartbeat.
Because behind my closed eyelids, I could see my beloved smiling face.
"Do you remember Rem?"
--The question became a sound, and exploded into a reality from which there was no turning back.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
In the world after the defeat of the White Whale, Subaru spoke with Beatrice only once in the Forbidden Library.
He had spoken to her with the intention of evacuating her from the Witch's Cult, but his request was refused, and it was an exchange that ultimately resulted in the girl being left alone in the mansion.
I don't remember clearly all the details of what we said at that time, but looking back, there was one thing I realized I shouldn't have overlooked.
At that time, Beatrice had certainly spoken out once, worrying about Rem, who was supposed to return with Subaru.
At that point, when he returned to the mansion, the letter had become blank.
In other words, that was proof that it was after Rem had been attacked by the Sin Archbishop, and the fact that Beatrice had mentioned Rem despite that was proof that――
"Answer me. You remember Rem from this mansion, right?"
The ending of Subaru's words changes to, ``Because I want you to remember, you should remember.''
It cannot be denied that part of it was a confidence that he gained from the memories that were coming back to him, and also a bravado to encourage his spirit when he was about to sink into despair.
Beatrice looked at Subaru quietly.
There was no emotion in his eyes, and it was impossible to read what he was thinking.
Normally, she was such an easy-to-read girl, but right now, at this very moment, it was completely impossible to read from her. This was frustrating, and Subaru's impatient heart was burned by the sensation that time had stopped.
"Hey..."
Why don't they say anything?
Whether he knows or doesn't know, it shouldn't be a difficult question to answer. Of course, there is only one answer he wants. He hopes that if Beatrice knows Rem, she will laugh at the absurdity of Subaru's question.
It was absurd to have one's memories eaten, one's name swallowed, and lost from the world.
It would be good if she could experience it the same way Subaru did, and feel righteous indignation at the world's injustice. Or, even better, if she wanted to explore together with him the true nature of the feelings that only she and Subaru shared.
So tell me you know.
Like Emilia, like Crusch, like Wilhelm, like so many others, Rem――please don't say you've forgotten that child.
I want to hear the answer. I don't want to hear the answer. My impatient heart is twisted with conflicting feelings.
And as Subaru's heart wavered with hesitation, Beatrice said,
"--I don't want to answer that."
She averted her gaze from Subaru and gave an answer that was neither a yes nor a no.
Subaru let out a sigh, and for a moment his thoughts stopped. He then hastily waved his hands,
"Wait a second. What do you mean, you don't want to answer? That question can only be answered with a YES or NO, right?"
"Do you not understand the meaning of yes and no? And Betty's answer is exactly the same. I don't want to answer."
"I'm telling you, that's not an answer!"
Swinging his arms down, Subaru took a strong step forward in front of Beatrice.
The girl sitting on the stepladder paid no attention to his violent behavior, her lips tightly pressed together. Her stubborn attitude made her heart, already burning with frustration, burn even more. It wouldn't stop.
"That's not what I want to hear from you!"
"Why should Betty have to tell you what you want to hear? Please don't make too much noise. I'm afraid the library will get messy."
"You...!"
With renewed vigor, Subaru approaches Beatrice.
Subaru still refused to look at her, so he intended to force her to turn towards him. He would confront her face to face and ask her why she had said such a heartless thing. That was his intention. But,
"――――"
The moment he was about to touch it, Beatrice looked at Subaru.
And as soon as Subaru saw the waves of emotion flickering in her eyes, the movement of his hands stopped. Because, it was as if she was――,
Subaru: "The question you just asked was a question about someone who was devoured by 『Gluttony』."
"--! As I thought, you are..."
Subaru: "If you know about the Power of Gluttony, you can probably guess what this is all about. Roswaal, Nii-cha, and even Shaula all know about it."
"Roz...?!"
The unexpected name came out of his mouth, and Subaru's throat involuntarily choked.
Roswaal knows the power of Gluttony - in other words, does that mean that there is a possibility that he also remembers Rem?
"How much do you guys know about the Witch Cult? Roswaal should have known that the Witch Cult would take action if it became known that Emilia was a Half-Elf. And yet, if I hadn't taken action, this mansion and the village would have been destroyed. What's going on?"
"..."
"Both Rem and Crusch said that it's impossible that they hadn't taken any measures. But it just doesn't seem like anything had been done to prevent this. Because, if that wasn't the case, then something so terrible wouldn't have happened…"
"I wonder if Betty can fathom just how far Roswaal had gone in thinking this. But... I don't think that Roswaal hadn't taken any steps at all."
Subaru frowned at what Beatrice said, trying to find any part of Roswaal's plan at work during the battle with Betelgeuse, but no matter how much he searched his memories, no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't remember any such moment.
"You must be mistaken. Or perhaps you're overestimating it. If Roswaal had done something, I wouldn't have had to go through all that trouble..."
"If you don't know, then surely no one else can."
Beatrice sighed in disappointment, expressing her dismay at Subaru's lack of understanding. Feeling uncomfortable with his attitude, she realized that the conversation had started to drift away from the original point.
"Wait, let's talk about the Witch Cult. If you know anything about the Witch Cult, then I want you to tell me everything you know. About the Sin Archbishops and "Gluttony". There's a mountain of things I want to ask you about…including this."
Now that he knew Beatrice was in a position to know, he wanted to ask her one question after another. Questions that Puck had dodged and he hadn't been able to get out. He hoped that if the answers came from her, he might be able to get them out.
He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a book bound in black. The cover and the inside were slightly stained with dark blood. It was the spoils of a battle with a formidable opponent a few days ago.
"I know that this thing is connected to the deeper parts of the Witch Cult. I can't read the contents, but as the guardian of the Forbidden Library, I'm sure it's something…"
"--gospel"
Then, seeing the book in Subaru's hands, Beatrice's eyes widened.
Her pink lips trembling slightly, she stared at the Gospel Subaru was holding. The indecipherable characters on its cover were written in a way she couldn't read, and then she ran her eyes over it with an expression of disbelief,
"Why, of all people, would you have to do that..."
"It wasn't even a book I wanted that much, so I'd say I stole it. I told you, the Witch Cult had surrounded the mansion and was causing trouble. I took it from the ringleader. The owner...is no longer anywhere in this world."
"I took it away...because..."
Beatrice's voice trembled as she reached out for the Gospel Subaru was holding.
Subaru was perplexed by her slightly trembling fingertips, but timidly handed the Gospel into her hands. Taking it, she traced the cover with her fingertips, checking the words,
"Did you say that its owner is... dead?"
"...Yeah. He's dead. He got bitten by the wheel...I killed him."
Looking at the results, Subaru did not directly murder Petelgeuse.
But the trigger for this, and the determination that it would happen, were all an unavoidable reality that was an extension of Subaru's actions.
Subaru wanted to kill Betelgeuse. His soul knew that unless he took his life, he would never be able to settle things with the man.
Therefore, there was no doubt that Subaru had the "intention" to kill Betelgeuse.
I won't say that I didn't hesitate, or that I didn't have any regrets after getting my hands dirty. I didn't pretend to be strong in front of anyone, so I won't lie to myself.
I will never forget the murders I have committed and the times I have nearly been killed.
He doesn't say sentimental things like, "I live with the burden of the life that man took."
Petelgeuse was meant to die, and Subaru believed the same, so he killed him.
That's all.
However, there was no response from Beatrice to Subaru's heartfelt words.
She simply quietly muttered, "I see..." and, still with her eyes lowered to the Gospel,
"Did you leave Betty behind too, Juice..."
"--? Anyone?"
"There's no need for you to know. More importantly, if you were the one who killed 'Sloth', I wonder what happened to your Witch Factor."
"Witch, factor…?"
In response to Beatrice's question, Subaru frowned and tilted his head.
Beatrice looked suspicious at Subaru's attitude and narrowed her eyes as if trying to find any emotion in his expression. However, Subaru had no idea why he would look at her like that. She clicked her tongue in frustration.
"You shouldn't be using technical terms on someone who doesn't know anything about it. What is this Witch Factor thing? It doesn't sound good to me."
"You don't know…? Surely, really? If that's the case, then why did you kill 'Sloth'? It doesn't make sense."
"I was just brushing off the sparks that were falling on me! What are you trying to say?"
Subaru was growing impatient with the disjointed conversation, but in contrast to his growing enthusiasm, Beatrice's attitude was beginning to approach silence. She placed the back of her hand over her lips in deep thought, gazing fixedly at the cover of the book she had received without looking inside,
"I don't know anything about this....It's beyond the realm of what Betty can judge."
"What are you so convinced of--woah"
Beatrice shook her head and suddenly tossed the Gospel towards the suspicious Subaru.
Subaru hurriedly caught the thing that was thrown to him, and let out a sigh of relief,
"What are you doing all of a sudden? I wouldn't say it's a dangerous book, but it's still a creepy book. Treat it with more care!"
"--I wonder if it's right for you to keep it. What will the Witch Factor choose, or not? Either way, you will eventually be forced to make a choice. If this can help you make a decision, even if just a little, then Juice will be happy."
"What are you talking about, the drink will float! You're telling me..."
Subaru clung to the unclear content, desperately trying to find the words to say, but before he could finish his sentence, something strange happened behind him.
--Subaru instinctively knew that it was the sound of space being distorted by a supernatural force. He didn't know why he had guessed that, but...
"Are you trying to kick me out? I haven't even heard anything yet… Do you seriously think I'll back down after this!?"
"Why should Betty have to tell you what you want to hear, what you want to hear? I wish you'd stop being so selfish… and arrogant."
「Gouma…! ――Just tell me what you know! I don't want anything more than that! So, your…」
"--Betty."
Pulling at his back― and I don't mean that in the idiomatic sense, it was as if he was literally pulling Subaru's body backwards with physical force.
Space distorted - if he turned his head, he saw that a door that should have been closed had suddenly opened, and a pitch black space was about to swallow him up.
There is no wind blowing, and I am certainly not being pulled by any arm or leg.
However, an indescribable pressure pressed down on his entire body from the front, and an invisible gravitational force grabbed his arms and legs from behind, trying to take him away.
--The true essence of 『Door Crossing』, so forceful.
"Bearko... Beatrice!"
"It's your body, your mind that's leaving."
"what--"
"I wonder if your heart that doesn't want to hear the answer, your weakness that wants to turn away from reality, your selfishness that doesn't want to face your own sins, is keeping your body away from this Forbidden Library."
Even though I wanted to argue that it was stupid, I couldn't find the voice to say anything.
He was aware of all that he was afraid of the answer, that he was frightened of the reality that he might come back, and that he could not atone for his own sins for not being able to pick up everything.
nevertheless,
"I'm—"
"Betty is just a convenient tool for you."
"--!?"
"I'm not some convenient existence that'll tell you what you want to hear, when you want to hear it, in the words you want to hear, the way you want to hear it..."
Beatrice's words, so tightly squeezed out, left Subaru speechless.
It wasn't that he'd been hit right on the mark, but rather that he'd been shocked, as if he'd been hit in a completely unintended way.
And so the Hollow that was born slid past the resistance of Subaru's body,
"Shima――!"
Just like that, Subaru's body passes through the door behind him as if it is being sucked in.
If he crossed it, he would be thrown out of the Forbidden Library. Subaru caught hold of the edge of the door just in time, and though he was half thrown out, he managed to stay put.
I exhaled, gritted my teeth, and looked ahead. In front of me was a girl with a sad face.
"Maybe you should ask Roswaal what you want to know. Neither Nicha nor Betty will tell you anything."
"Why do you look like you're about to cry?"
Beatrice lowered her eyes and gave no reply to Subaru's final question.
And then, the girl's outstretched fingertips caught Subaru's, who was gripping the door - and he let go.
You get sucked in. You get thrown out. You get locked out.
From the door, from the Forbidden Library - from the heart of a girl named Beatrice.
"――――"
He steps back and is thrown out the door into the hallway.
The door that had kicked Subaru out slammed shut in front of him, and as soon as he saw this, Subaru reached out his hand to open it, but it was too late.
"That drill loli..."
On the other side of the open door was not the Forbidden Library, but an unused guest room.
He looked around the mansion, but he couldn't sense anything that might have piqued his sixth sense connecting him to the Forbidden Library. --I wouldn't be able to see her again today.
That certainty just fell upon Subaru's heart.
Unable to find out anything he wanted to ask or find out, Subaru was led astray by the girl's flirtatious words and was whisked away without gaining anything.
"What's the matter? If you know something then why don't you just tell me, you stingy brat? You're sulking and withdrawing into yourself. Who the hell are you, the eldest son of the Natsuki family?"
Kicking open the door that until a moment ago should have led to the Forbidden Library, Subaru let out a long sigh.
He shook his head, trying to shake off the images that were floating in his mind - but in the end, he couldn't shake the look on Beatrice's face as they parted ways.
Because, at that time, she was certainly
"Don't stay locked up by yourself with that tearful face. You idiot."
If I thought that it was me who made her make that face, then I wouldn't be able to blame her for not being able to do anything well.