"BWAAAMP!"
The truck was right behind me.
In sheer panic, I threw the granny to the side of the road like a sack of potatoes.
And then—
EVERYTHING WENT WHITE.
"F**k, am I dead? Why is everything so white?"
"Hey, is anyone here? Hello? Anyone?"
I asked again and again, but no one replied—until I yelled:
"GOD, PLEASE!"
YES, MY CHILD.
A deep, calm voice echoed around me. It sounded soothing and smooth. I looked around, but nothing was there. Just endless white light—bright, but not hurting my eyes.
"Are you a go—" Before I could finish, the voice replied:
YES, I AM WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
This time the voice came from behind. I turned around quickly... and saw Robert Downey Jr.
My brain paused. Robert freakin' Downey Jr.? And he looked damn good, too.
"F**k... am I dreaming?"
NO, IDIOT. YOU'RE DEAD.
I wasn't even shocked. After everything that happened earlier... yeah, this checked out.
"So you're telling me I'm dead? And who are you?"
I AM GOD.
"Ahhh," I sighed. "Bro, listen—I don't have time for this Harry Potter dreamland nonsense. Just tell me where I am so I can go. I've got work."
There was a moment of silence. Robert Downey Jr.—aka God—looked at me with that iconic smirk. Then he replied calmly:
SO YOU DON'T TRUST ME?
I shook my head slowly—left to right. He nodded back, then motioned with his chin for me to look down.
"HOLY FK!"**
I jumped up in shock and grabbed him. I clung to him like a spider monkey—arms and legs wrapped tight around his body.
"WH—WHAAAAA! WHERE ARE WE?! WE'RE GONNA FALL!" My voice was shaking so bad even I couldn't understand myself.
We were above the earth. Like, really high. Clouds below us, planes flying under my feet. I was legit seeing Earth from the sky.
YOU WON'T FALL, DON'T WORRY. SINCE YOU DIED BEFORE YOUR TIME, AND YOU HELPED THAT OLD DEAF LADY—I WAS IMPRESSED. SO I'M GIVING YOU ANOTHER LIFE.
"No thanks." I responded instantly.
Look, I have no beef with God personally, but since he already gave me a crappy life the first time, I wasn't ready to trust him again.
WHY?
"Because my previous life was f**ked up! I had no money, no proper shelter, no people who loved me, and a weak body I couldn't protect!" I shouted.
Then I realized I was still clinging to him. I slowly dropped one foot into thin air, making sure I wouldn't fall, then the other.
MY CHILD, EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN JOURNEY. BUT SINCE YOU'VE STRUGGLED A LOT—AND COMPLAINED A LOT—I'LL GIVE YOU TWO OPTIONS:
REINCARNATION
STAY IN HEAVEN
"Heave—" I was about to say "heaven" but the so-called God interrupted:
IF YOU CHOOSE HEAVEN, YOU WILL BE REBORN AFTER YOU REACH YOUR ORIGINAL DEATH AGE.
That made me think. If I chose heaven, I'd still be reborn eventually—maybe at age 50 or 60... or even in my 20s. As a human... or a cockroach? No thanks.
Reincarnation seemed better. So I asked,
"Hmm... so where would I reincarnate?"
ANYWHERE YOU WANT.
My mind flooded with options: Naruto, Doraemon, Dragon Ball Z, even Pokémon...
Naruto? Nah—I don't speak Japanese. And I can't survive an Asian mom. (My landlady was Asian. Enough said.)
Doraemon? What if I don't become Nobita? Waste of life.
Dragon Ball Z? Not even a big fan.
Pokémon? Again, more chasing after power.
While I was still overthinking, God's voice interrupted again:
HARRY POTTER WOULD BE YOUR BEST CHOICE.
I looked at him like he just stole my last brain cell.
"Why? So Voldemort can kill me again?"
NO, MY CHILD. THIS TIME, YOU'LL BE RICH.
Now that got my attention. Money is my love language. But I played it smart.
"I want a system too. Someone to help me."
OKAY. YOU'LL GET ONE. BUT YOU WON'T REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION. THE SYSTEM WILL REMIND YOU IN TIME.
"But wait—!" I yelled.
Too late.
I was falling from 60,000 feet. Straight back to Earth.
God really doesn't believe in letting people finish their sentences.
I couldn't breathe properly.
"OH MY F**KING GOD I'M GONNA DIE AGAIN!" I screamed, lungs on fire, until—
"HAAAHHHHH!" I gasped, breathing heavily.
"F**k," I muttered, drenched in sweat and smelling like a gym locker.
It was pitch dark. No lights. No sounds. I couldn't even breathe right.
"Was that all a dream? What time is it?" I reached out to grab my alarm clock—WHACK!
"Ouch, what the—?"
I tried to sit up. Worst decision ever.
"AHHH! MOTHERF—!"
I hit my head again. I flailed both hands around.
That's when I realized...
"I'M INSIDE A FKING COFFINNNNN!"**
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