If there was one thing Jin had learned since arriving in the Xuanjing Realm, it was that every quiet moment was just foreplay for chaos.
Case in point: it was finally night. The stars twinkled above like nosy immortals spying on mortal soap operas. Jin had just finished brushing his teeth with a jade toothbrush that suspiciously smelled like roasted duck, and was mentally preparing for a night of calm—
"BREAKING NEWS!" a voice boomed from outside his window.
Jin jerked so hard he accidentally slapped his own face with the jade toothbrush.
Standing outside his courtyard, wearing nothing but see-through silk robes and a grin that belonged in a brothel ad, was none other than Fairy Ling. She held a scroll the size of a drunk yak's ego.
"What the hell—it's midnight! Are you drunk?!"
"No, but my libido is," she chirped. "Also, this scroll says we're now officially partners in the Sect's new Dual Cultivation Initiative!"
"…What."
Fairy Ling kicked the gate open like a debt collector in heat. "You signed the form last week."
"No, I signed something that said 'Free Lunch Voucher for Qi Enhancement Baozi.'"
"Exactly. Qi enhancement, dual cultivation—same thing. Now strip."
Jin took a step back. "Is this legal?!"
"Probably not. But it's happening anyway."
---
And that was how Jin found himself five minutes later, half-naked, wrapped in satin sheets, sitting across from Fairy Ling, whose eyes were glowing with both lust and... whatever was in the six cups of 'Spirit Wine of Forbidden Desires' she'd chugged earlier.
"I feel like I should be paid for this," he muttered.
"Oh, you will. In Qi and compliments. Now shut up and let's harmonize our Yin-Yang flows."
"Can you at least buy me dinner first?"
"I am the dinner," she growled.
A bolt of pink lightning crackled through the room.
The dual cultivation manual glowed ominously.
And in the shadows, the System buzzed awake.
[Ding! You have initiated: Midnight Merge of Madness - Beginner Level!]
[Warning: Results may include excessive sweating, spiritual confusion, and minor orgasms.]
"I didn't agree to—wait, what was the last part?!"
Too late.
Fairy Ling's hand slapped onto his chest, her palm glowing.
The Yin energy surged.
Jin's Yang energy responded.
The room exploded in sparkles, moans, and inappropriate flute solos.
In the sect's outer walls, even the moon turned away politely.
---
Meanwhile, outside, Ruoyan and two jealous junior sisters were hiding in a bush with binoculars.
"That shameless vixen!" Ruoyan hissed.
"She's touching his meridians!" one junior gasped.
"She's definitely grabbing more than his meridians…" the other mumbled, nosebleeding.
Ruoyan cracked her knuckles. "Tonight, Fairy Ling dies."
Jin woke up on the floor. His hair was frazzled, his robe was wrapped around his ankle like a guilty snake, and a small puddle of spiritual energy was leaking from under him like post-orgasmic Qi soup.
Above him, Fairy Ling was meditating atop a floating cushion made entirely of orgasm clouds—don't ask, he didn't even know that was a thing until ten minutes ago.
[Achievement Unlocked: You Just Got Yin'd.]
[+200 Charm Points. -12 Sanity.]
"What the hell happened?" Jin groaned, sitting up like an old man who'd just been exorcised through his crotch.
"You screamed something about 'The Ninth Heaven of Pleasure' and then passed out," Fairy Ling said, cracking one eye open. "You were quite... reactive."
"I saw my own great-grandfather, and he gave me a thumbs up before fading into light!"
"That's just your Yin-root stabilizing with my Heaven-grade lotus field. Happens all the time."
"No, no, NO. None of this makes sense—why is my dantian tingling like someone stuck a feather in it?"
"That's just post-dual-cultivation itch. Very normal. Want a second round?"
Jin screamed and threw himself out the window.
He landed in the sect koi pond, splashing water and confusing the hell out of a pair of ducks mid-coitus. The male duck turned, gave him a side-eye, and went right back to business. Even the animals were getting more action than Jin voluntarily wanted.
And just when he thought it couldn't get worse—
"YOU FILTHY CABBAGE-STEALING HARLOT!"
Ruoyan flew into the scene riding a flying sword shaped like a judge's gavel. Her robes fluttered dramatically, and her hands glowed with rage-fueled flame Qi.
"Explain to me why I smell dual-cultivation on your body, Jin! And why Fairy Ling has Qi leaking from her thighs like she sat on a milk bottle!"
"It's not what it looks like!" Jin shouted, pulling koi out of his sleeves.
"It looks like you two played 'Guess the Cultivation Rod' all night!"
"No no no, it was just spiritual! There was only one time where our Qi rubbed! And the moaning was accidental!"
Fairy Ling floated down, smug as sin. "Well, someone's jealous~"
"Of you?! As if! My yin-yang compatibility with Jin is superior. I can milk his yang better than your fake lotus ever could!"
"Oh? Then let's have a duel!"
"A duel?" Ruoyan smirked. "Fine. Loser gives up all claims to Jin's… dantian."
"Let's make it spicier. Winner gets to spend a week in his bed."
"DEAL."
Jin screamed again. "I AM NOT A PRIZE! I HAVE RIGHTS! I—"
"Silence, bed-warmer," they said in unison.
Suddenly, a crowd appeared. The sect elders, disciples, even the janitor had gathered. Why? Because someone sent out a system-wide broadcast:
[LIVE NOW: Yin-Yang Catfight of the Century! Place your spiritual bets! Winner gets Jin's 'Heavenly Dragon Root'!]
Elder Bing cracked open a spiritual popcorn pouch. "Finally, some quality entertainment. Screw those boring alchemy tournaments."
And so, the two ladies took to the sky, their spiritual clothes rippling dramatically, cleavage defying the laws of physics and common sense. Jin sat soaking wet, holding koi in each hand, contemplating the chaos of his libido-powered life.
Above, Ruoyan summoned her signature move: Fiery Heaven-Fisting Palm.
Fairy Ling retaliated with Seductive Lotus Petal Slap.
Each attack came with double entendres and nipple-defying blasts of wind.
"Let's see who can handle Jin better!" Ruoyan shouted.
"Oh please, I've ridden his meridian path already!"
Elder Bing: "These names are getting out of hand…"
Jin: "So is my life."
As the air exploded with Qi techniques that sounded like rejected sex toy brands—Heaven-Penetrating Blossom Drill and Thunderous Nipple Flip Slash—Jin could only sit by the koi pond, soaked, stunned, and sexually confused. The water around him bubbled with residual energy from the erotic aerial warfare taking place above.
The sect now resembled a horny anime convention. Betting booths had sprung up. Elders were laying down spirit stones like gambling addicts at a casino, and even the sect's head turtle, who usually only moved once every hundred years, was nodding in approval.
The fight had reached its climax—literally.
Ruoyan unleashed a technique called "Burning Lust Inferno Clench", her hands glowing like she'd dipped them in dragon Viagra. Fairy Ling countered with "Heavenly Moisture Spiral", which no one was ready for—especially the poor cloud it was launched from, which began crying tears of sexual confusion.
Boom! A sonic thrustwave shook the skies. Sect disciples were flung back, their robes flipping up like laundry in a monsoon. Jin barely dodged a pair of panties that were launched from the impact zone.
"STOP!!" he shouted, leaping into the air with both hands raised like a desperate man trying to prevent a galactic orgasm. "This is madness! I am not a piece of meat!"
Fairy Ling, mid-air, cocked her head. "You're absolutely a piece of meat."
Ruoyan licked her lips. "A juicy, tender spiritual steak."
"You're objectifying me!"
"You're the main course, baby," they replied in harmony.
Then, before another clash could erupt, a new energy pressure washed over the sect—a majestic, terrifying force so powerful it made everyone stop mid-lewd-attack.
BOOM.
A golden portal appeared mid-air, crackling with divine Qi.
A figure stepped out, wearing heavenly robes, adorned in dragon pearls, and holding what looked suspiciously like a legendary ruler-shaped paddle.
The figure glared at Jin.
"You. Mortal. You've disrupted the balance of yin and yang in three realms."
Jin pointed at his own nose. "Me?! I was just trying to improve my cultivation!"
"You created a new realm," the figure growled. "The Pervert Dao. And it's gaining believers."
Behind the celestial being, thousands of spirits in lingerie were chanting, "Praise the Heavenly Rod! Praise the Dual Path!"
Fairy Ling bowed slightly. "Greetings, Heavenly Overseer of Erotic Cultivation."
Ruoyan sighed. "Oh no. Not the Dao Police again."
The Overseer raised the paddle. "Jin Long, a.k.a. The One Whose Dantian Shall Not Be Named—your trial is set."
"A trial?! For what?!"
"For committing crimes against moderation. You've had three heavenly maidens in one week!"
"I didn't even ask for the second one!"
"Silence! You will be tried by the Celestial Court of Erotic Misconduct."
The crowd gasped. Elder Bing dropped his spiritual popcorn.
"But first," the Overseer said, raising a divine brow, "I must confiscate the offending instrument."
Jin gulped. "You mean… my—?"
"Yes. Your Heavenly Dragon Root."
"Wait! No! I just got the golden veins installed!"
Suddenly, the Sect Master appeared, wearing only a towel and sipping from a gourd of heaven-grade aphrodisiac wine.
"Alright, what the hell is going on?" he slurred.
"Your disciple is about to be neutered by the heavens," someone muttered.
The Sect Master squinted. "Over my dead body! That brat owes me rent!"
Fairy Ling stepped forward. "You'll have to go through us!"
Ruoyan cracked her knuckles. "We're his partners. You want his Dragon Root? You'll have to fight his harem!"
The Overseer narrowed his eyes. "So be it. A celestial battle of lovers, judged by the Dao itself."
Suddenly the sky cracked open like a sexy fortune cookie. Golden clouds shaped like buns (both edible and anatomical) swirled as the Celestial Trial Platform descended.
"This is insane," Jin muttered.
"No, sweetheart," Fairy Ling said, grabbing his wrist, "this is just foreplay."
Jin fainted again.
As he hit the floor, a heavenly voice echoed:
"Let the Battle for the Root… begin!"