The wedding hall of the Velvet Kingdom was ablaze with chaos, opulence, and a dangerous level of magical floral arrangements. Trumpets blared. Choirs sang. Somewhere, a harpist wept quietly into her strings. Why? Because there were five weddings happening. Simultaneously. In one palace.
And the groom?
Was currently being wheeled around on a gold-encrusted trolley like a terrified wedding cake.
"Faster, you fools! Rosette's ceremony has already reached the vow phase!" barked a palace attendant, whose left eyebrow had been permanently scorched off during Princess Drakana's fire-blessed bridal rehearsal.
"WAIT! LUCIVELLA'S SUMMONING HER DEMON MINISTER EARLY!" shrieked another, pointing to the western hall where a summoning circle glowed ominously.
Through it all, Rei sat—no, slumped—on his moving throne, dressed in a white ceremonial tuxedo that had long since been reduced to a patchwork of lace, scorch marks, and blood-stained boutonnières.
His hair was immaculately styled, because each bride had done it their way. On different sides of his head.
His eyes?
Dead.
Truly, spiritually, cosmically dead.
[System Notification: {Welcome to the Final Boss Arena: The Ultimate Harem Wedding Gauntlet}]
[Warning: {Current Mental Stability: 3%. Recommend Therapy. Or Vodka. Or both.}]
"Please... just let me be a scarecrow in peace…" Rei mumbled as his trolley screeched into the southern wing where Lilia, the psychotic saint, waited with a coffin-shaped archway, surrounded by undead bridesmaids.
"My beloved," she intoned, eyes glowing red with obsession, "as decreed by the Holy Book of Eternal Attachment, Article 66, Subsection 'Til Death Isn't Even Enough,' I hereby accept you as mine."
She extended a cursed engagement ring the size of a dinner plate.
"Nope! Sorry, time's up! NEXT ALTAR!" yelled the guard, yanking Rei's trolley away as Lilia let out a banshee wail and unleashed a swarm of vow-enforcing doves armed with mini daggers.
The central hall, by contrast, was pristine. Royal. Grand.
Princess Seraphina stood atop a platform of glowing sunlight, her white gown rippling like holy fire. Her ceremony was backed by three national orchestras and five blinding beams of sacred judgment.
"I, Seraphina Solaris, crown princess of this realm and beacon of eternal radiance, do take—"
BOOM.
A hole in the ceiling exploded as Drakana descended in full armor, veil fluttering behind her like a war banner.
"BACK OFF, RADIANT WORM! THIS CEREMONY IS MINE NOW!"
"YOU CANNOT INTERRUPT A ROYAL SUN-BLESSED CORONATION!"
"WATCH ME!"
Drakana lobbed a bouquet of flaming roses. Seraphina countered with a blast of holy lightning. The wedding guests ducked as the palace trembled.
In the midst of it, Rei—face covered in powdered sugar from Lucivella's cursed macarons—felt the pressure building in his nose.
"S-stay strong…" he sniffled.
The moment was getting closer. The System was glitching from overload.
[System Warning: {Emotional Pressure Reaches Fatal Levels. Coughing Reflex: 67%. Sneeze Reflex: 94%}]
[Passive-Aggressive Mode Activated: {Oh yes. Do go ahead. Ruin everything with your pollen sensitivity.}]
Back in the east wing, Rosette stood perfectly still, holding a scythe in one hand and a bouquet of black lilies in the other. Her dress was sharp, tight, and mildly threatening. The officiant was a skeleton she had borrowed from the Duke's mausoleum.
"Do you, Rosette von Silentblade, take this man to be your lawfully chained husband—"
POOF.
A cloud of sparkles burst from behind the altar.
Lucivella, the Demon Queen herself, had arrived. Wearing a gown made from living shadows and trailing a demonic veil that whispered eldritch lullabies.
"HE'S MINE," she announced, voice echoing across dimensions.
"You're late," Rosette said quietly.
"I was preparing a bouquet. Of TENTACLES."
Lucivella held it up. It hissed.
The guests screamed. One fainted. The priest made a strange gurgling sound and teleported himself to retirement.
In the dead center of the palace, Rei's soul officially left his body.
[System Alert: {User Rei.exe has stopped responding. Please reboot manually. Or via kiss-based CPR.}]
And then it happened.
Lucivella stepped forward. Her voice grew husky with demonic power.
"Rei… do you take me to be your one and only demonic bride?"
Rei's face twitched.
His nose itched.
His soul screamed.
He sucked in one last breath.
And then—
"AHHH-CHOOOO!"
The sneeze.
It echoed through the hall like a divine trumpet of matrimonial doom.
Silence followed.
Total, utter silence.
Even the tentacle bouquet froze.
Then five voices, in unison:
"HE SAID YES."
The palace erupted.
Rosette fainted with joy and immediately strapped a cursed choker to his neck.
Lilia drew a blood contract on the floor with the words MINE FOREVER in glowing red script.
Drakana roared so loud a chandelier fell and crushed a table.
Seraphina kissed her family crest and declared national victory.
Lucivella ordered a demon scribe to register their eternal union.
And Rei?
Collapsed.
The sneeze had done it.
[System Notification: {Congratulations! You are now married. To all of them. Simultaneously.}]
[Side Note: {This union has been livestreamed to Divine YouTube by Goddess Eris. Viewer count: 8.3 billion. Trending: #ReiTiedDownTragedy #MarriedByMucus}]
A golden spotlight fell upon Rei's unconscious form.
The priest, recovering from earlier trauma, shakily lifted the sacred tome.
"By the power vested in me, and possibly blackmail, I now pronounce you... eternally doomed."
Temple bells began to ring. Not one set. Not two. All of them.
Across the kingdom, citizens partied, nobles cried, and assassins hired to stop the wedding wept with admiration.
The chapter ended, as all great tragedies do, with the groom lying face-down on a satin carpet while the God of Marriage updated his status from "Single" to "...Well, Crap."
To be continued…