So apparently, Rhea has her eyes on one of Rohan's friends—don't ask me who, because I genuinely cannot remember his name, which should tell you exactly how important he is to this story and to my life, which is not at all, but anyway. Now a while back, Rhea had asked me one of those "fun" hypothetical questions that she swears don't mean anything but then treats like they're part of a binding legal contract, and it was like, "If you had to date someone from our class, who would it be?" And I just blurted out Rohan's name because, I don't know, he's good-looking and has basic social skills —low bar, I know—but it wasn't like I was doodling his name in hearts or anything.
But ever since then, Rhea decided I have this massive, head-over-heels, Bollywood-montage-level crush on Rohan, which—no. And just when I thought this wouldn't come up again, the college campus event night rolled around and somehow we ended up crashing at the apartment of Rhea's friend, who also happens to be in my class. Not that it matters because we've spoken maybe twice in our entire lives, but sure, let's call that a "connection." I knew I shouldn't have gone, I knew it, and even Aaliya said I shouldn't go, but then Rhea pulled one of her classic moves like, "She's just jealous he didn't invite her," which is so rich coming from someone whose entire personality is based on fake scenarios and weird delusions.
Anyway, we get there, and I immediately notice there are like six drunk guys in the apartment, all of whom look like they pay taxes and probably complain about back pain unironically. And there's this one sweet girl who is apparently the girlfriend of Danish's brother or something—it was one of those confusing friend-of-a-friend setups—but she was actually nice, and she cooked chicken for us, which was sweet of her because it's not her job to feed a bunch of freeloaders. I was full, like actually full, and Danish still pushed me to "at least taste it," and I was being polite so I took a few bites and I'm like, "Yeah, thank you, I'm full now," and then this small-town charity case Rhea goes, "Omg she didn't even eat the whole piece of chicken, you've wasted it on her," like it was a sacred offering or something. Sorry, not sorry—I didn't realize I was at the Golden Temple of Chicken Thighs, and I didn't know wasting three bites was a crime punishable by passive-aggressive commentary.
And fine, I let it go because I realized, hey, I'm here as her plus-one, so I guess that includes a side of public humiliation.
Then, out of nowhere, Rhea's like, "Maybe we're the invited guests here," as if she just cracked some mystery, and I notice everyone is giving us the look—you know, the one where you realize you're definitely the problem but you've done literally nothing, like I was on my best behaviour and even avoided talking to people just to not get accused of breathing wrong.
We slept in some other apartment and at 5 AM—five-freaking-AM—Rhea decides it's a good time to go for a "walk," and I'm like, "Ma'am, this is not your dad's farmhouse; we're in someone else's apartment, people are asleep, and no one asked for sunrise yoga." But no, she starts whining like a toddler who just discovered the concept of freedom, and I had to go with her because God forbid she gets lost and blames me for it. But here's the best part — and I found this out mid-walk when I was already freezing my eyebrows off — she took that walk only because her beloved Nikhil's friend, Aditya, aka her "ex" (and I put that in massive air quotes because there was literally no real relationship there, just a mutual delusion and some DMs), lives nearby, and she had this dumb fantasy that she might just bump into him at 5 AM on a Sunday. Girl. It's Sunday morning. What makes you think some random bachelor boy is going to be roaming around at sunrise.
While we're walking, she randomly goes, "Why don't you date Rohan?" and I'm like, "Why do you care?" and she's like, "Oh, so that when you go on a date with him, you can invite his friend and I'll come too and it'll be so fun," and I'm standing there like—what in the double-date desperation is this logic? I don't want to bring this gremlin energy anywhere near someone I like. She has a track record of destroying every single semi-romantic moment I've ever had, either by inserting herself in the middle or saying something so cringey that I physically evaporate out of embarrassment.
I told her to shut up, which I thought was generous considering how annoying she was being, and instead of reflecting on her nonsense, she switches gears and goes, "Can you post this picture so I can repost it?" And I'm like, "Girl, my account is private, and you don't even follow me back," and the audacity, the actual nerve, of this girl to say, "Make it public for a bit just so I can repost it," like she's some influencer and I'm her unpaid PR intern.
So I ask her, "Why don't you follow me back?" and she hits me with, how she told a random girl in my class when she asked rhe same question. "Well, I don't even follow Nina and she's one of my best friends, and if I follow you then I'll have to follow this other girls too," like what even is this logic? You're not running a museum curation page, you're just being petty. And don't get me started on how she does follow Nikhil, who she constantly trash talks, and Aaliya too, who she says is "too full of herself"—yet I'm the one not follow-worthy? But sure, ask me for favours like I'm your unpaid
Oh and wait for it — she says, "There's this singer I love, he's literally the age of my dad, but one day we'll get married and follow each other back," and at that point, I had mentally walked away from her even though physically I was still standing there.
We were almost done with the walk and heading back when Danish called to ask where we were and of course he called Rhea's phone, and just as we were returning, she started trash-talking the girl who cooked the dinner last night — out of nowhere — saying "It was so mid," and "My mom could cook better in like 30 minutes," like okay, yes, because your mom is your mom, not a random college student cooking for freeloaders like us. And I'm like, WHY are we bitching now? The girl literally fed us and even cleaned up, and here Rhea is turning it into a MasterChef audition.
And THEN she says all this while the call was still on.
I honestly don't know if she knew the call was on or if she's just that stupid. Either way, I felt like curling up into a burrito and disappearing. Thankfully, when we reached back, they pretended not to hear anything — maybe out of mercy or because they were too hungover to care — but still. Mortifying.
And on our way out, she made me buy her a rose because apparently I'm her butler now, and I did, because I have no spine left by this point, but I love flowers too — she could've thought of me, but of course not, because she's Cinderella and I'm one of the mice, right? And then she laughs and keeps telling me again and again how she left the rose behind and doesn't even care. I was like, girl, is this a bit? Is this a prank show?
When I finally went to her apartment to get the rest of my stuff, Aaliya asked me how it went, and I just said, "It was… uncomfortable." And she said, "That's why I didn't go, even when Danish invited me," and she was right. Dead right. Because they're not even that close to Rhea, she's just inserting herself into their group like it's her birthright, and I finally got what Aaliya meant when she warned me.
Never again. Mark my words.