I know it is ridiculous of me to speak of death as a way out of my situation, I know it is a display of cowardice, but what can I do? How can I live in this world?
I don't want to experience death again, but I have no choice, life is a blessing, no, it is not a blessing, it is a chance, a chance to live a mark in the land of the living and death seals that chance, so death completes life and gives it meaning.
This means that every life has a purpose, a reason, but.. I've long exhausted mine back on earth, now the memories of my past life lives within me, the never fading love I have in my heart is the very cause of my own torment.
What is the purpose of my new life? It is devoid of purpose.
The grief and sorrow I feel from losing a love and people that I would never see again forever is too much for me to bare, all hope is lost for me.
And I can only ask one question in the midst of my sadness...
Why?
Why must I keep living with this pain I'm feeling right now? Why should I keep living in a world without my family? Why was I given this life?
Should I just live on and forget about the precious life I lived? The love that still lingers in my heart? How the hell is that possible?
My heart feels like it's burning, the pain I feel is like a burning fire.
So I'd die, maybe with death, my pain will finally end, I want to exit this reality that exists without my Love.
But I'm scared of death, I know how it feels, it's not glorious, it's not calm and it's not sweet, it's cold, scary and mortifying and I never wish to experience it again.
But it's something I need to do, to give my past life a meaning, and to escape this pain, so yes, you can call me a coward, I don't care, because anyone would do the same in my condition.
I can see Jennette still writing carefully and intently on her paper, she doesn't even notice me crying.
I smile bitterly.
She seems to have taken a liking to me, but I'd soon leave her in this world.
Sad it may be, but it's what is necessary for me.
And abruptly, she lifts her head up, locking her eyes with mine.
She flashes a bright smile on her face.
"Do you miss me?" She says In a low, calm voice.
Kting!
She drops her quill on her table immediately.
"No #wonder# you aren't playing with the toys I gave you, you miss me don't you? Yes you do!"
She makes playful, silly faces as she looks at me from afar.
I'm a thirty five years old grown man, I can't play with toys, and if only you knew the thoughts I'm having right now, the smile on your face wouldn't be present.
I sigh, knowing that no one in this world will ever understand me.
"I'm quite #bored# myself, do you wanna see something fun?"
...What is she up to now?
She immediately outstretches her right hand from where she sat, using her index finger to draw a circle in the air...
What is she doing? Is she crazy?
I'm confused by her sudden display, the gesture she makes on the air like she's drawing something makes no sense to me.
She swiftly divides the circle she drew on the air from up to down.
Wong!
A green hue of light flashes from her index finger.
My eyes widen at the unique, magical sight.
"Vlatu!" She yells.
Suddenly, my cradle where I'm lying down starts floating on the air.
I'm bewildered from the event unfolding before my eyes.
With each gesture she makes with her index finger, my cradle moves either left or right.
As she raises her index finger up, my cradle goes up, as she moves her index finger left, my cradle moves left on the air, as she moves her index finger right, my cradle moves right.
Me, as a normal, modern twenty first century, thirty five years old man who has never seen such absurdity in my life am completely stupefied, I find it hard to believe that such a thing can exist.
My entire cradle is covered with the green hue of light that I can also see on her index finger.
"Hmmmmmm"
She smiles mischievously as she looks at my shocked expression.
She moves her index finger down quickly, and with slight speed, my cradle which was almost reaching the ceiling, goes down, almost hitting the ground.
She then raises her index finger up again slightly and with low speed, stopping my cradle from completely crashing on the ground.
Asudden, the green light which was twirling around the cradle starts twirling around me, and I myself start floating.
Thud!
The cradle falls down on the ground as it no longer floats.
So this is what makes this world different from earth... Magic!
A smile forms on my face.
With her magic, she moves me round the room, and I feel like I'm flying.
I'm excited, my heart pumping with joy as the grief and sorrow I felt minutes ago seems to wash away.
She then brings me closer to herself where she sat and dropped me on her wooden table.
"How was that? Did you like it?"
She smiles brightly as she looks at me with beaming eyes.
I loved it!
The green light around me disappears and the light on her index finger disappears too.
She then grabs me tenderly, holding my arms carefully as she placed me to relax on her folded arms.
"It's our little #secret# okay? Nobody in this #mansion# can know that I'm a mage."
Her arms are soft, warm and cozy, it feels like I'm in the right place, where I'm supposed to be.
My eyes are heavy now, I can barely keep it open.
I hate this baby body of mine, I feel so sleepy, and any time my body wants to sleep, I can't resist th-
______________________
I look at the cute baby boy that's fast asleep on my arms.
He fell asleep.
A warm smile spreads on my face.
I always feel bad for this child, the poor innocent soul doesn't even know what family he was born into and what challenges he'd face in time to come.
Even his mother died as she birthed him, she was a frail woman and my friend.
He looks just like her, with his jet black hair, if only her life as a maid wasn't ruined by that man, she'd still be alive by now.
I carress his soft cheeks tenderly and with care.
Grow well, Young Master Charles.