C14: Confirmed Eyes
In the past, if someone had told Emil Blonsky—former Royal Marine Commando and current operative under General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross that he would one day be nearly killed by a can of Coca-Cola, he would have dismissed it as a joke. Or, at best, the punchline of some D-list Deadpool sketch.
But now, watching a warped aluminum can embedded in tactical armor like a bullet from a StarkTech repulsor rifle, Emil realized this wasn't slapstick, it was Sam Raimi horror meets Looney Tunes.
"Team One, report status! What's the progress on the target?"
General Ross's voice crackled across the secure comm channel from the hovering Quinjet-style command chopper overhead. The chaos on the ground—most of it triggered by the Hulk's unchecked rampage—made a closer approach impossible.
"...Sir... we've sustained losses... heavy ones... target isn't baseline human..."
Emil's voice was choppy, barely audible over the hissing static.
General Ross frowned. His assault unit was composed of handpicked veterans, some of whom had trained alongside SHIELD strike teams, and others who had worked off-books with enhanced assets like Agent Sitwell and Maria Hill. They weren't amateurs.
"Specify. What kind of enhanced? Gamma-level? Mutant? Symbiote class?"
There was a pause.
"...It's... it's Coke, sir."
There was another pause.
"Coke?" Ross echoed slowly. His grizzled face twitched with disbelief. Around him, the other operators exchanged confused glances.
"You mean, like... Coca-Cola?"
"...Yes, sir," Emil grunted, flinching as he shifted against a shattered concrete block. "Weaponized soda cans. High-velocity impacts. I think... vibranium laced or something."
Ross blinked. He had seen Hydra weaponize Asgardian tech. He'd read files about Wakandan sonic spears and seen Magneto level bridges. But this?
"Soldier, confirm. Are you telling me your entire squad was neutralized by a man using soda cans?"
There was a long breath.
"Yes, sir. He's using them like Batarangs except blunt force. Powered by... something like meta-tier lower body strength. Maybe an offshoot of Captain America's serum like Nuke, but less psychotic."
Ross tried to process the image: a red-clad vigilante hurling soda cans like kinetic projectiles with Hulk-level force. It sounded like a meme gone too far, like something out of a Deadpool dream sequence.
Before he could respond—
Boom!
A sharp burst of sound cut through the frequency, followed by dead air.
"Soldier! Report! Emil! Do you copy?"
But nothing came back.
---
Huff... huff...
Emil lay in the rubble of what had once been a taxi stand, bloodied and bruised. His tactical armor was crushed inwards, and a sunken Coca-Cola can gleamed mockingly from his chest like some twisted Iron Man arc reactor knockoff. Syrupy liquid bubbled down over the armor's cracked HUD.
He barely registered Hulk's roar in the distance before his world went black.
---
"You've got to be kidding me!"
Li Ran barely had time to enjoy his improvised victory, he had successfully used what was now dubbed Fat Boy Happy Water to eliminate the remainder of Ross's assault unit. But before he could catch his breath, a primal growl tore through the air.
He turned.
And locked eyes with the Hulk.
Those glowing green irises were like storm clouds over a battlefield unreasoning, boiling with rage.
And just like that, Li Ran was now Hulk's newest chew toy.
"...Ah, crap."
The jade giant let out a snarl and thundered toward him, fists clenching, ground shaking with each step.
Li Ran did the only thing he could think of: he grabbed another Coke.
Boom!
The can flew with sonic speed, propelled by his King Kong Vajra Legs, a martial arts move borrowed from Shaolin folklore, enhanced through system augmentations that would've made even Shang-Chi raise an eyebrow.
But when it struck Hulk's shoulder, the metal simply clanged off and tumbled aside. No impact. No effect. Not even a dent.
Li Ran's heart sank.
"Yep... definitely not Deadpool-tier anymore."
He pivoted and sprinted full speed toward a maze of high-rise buildings, his system-enhanced perception calculating escape vectors like a Stark AI. He knew Hulk was virtually unstoppable in open terrain, but tight corridors and urban density could at least delay him.
---
"General, new movement from Hulk!"
Back in the helicopter, Ross snapped to attention.
"What's his heading?"
"Same direction as Team One's last known coordinates, he's following the other enhanced!"
Ross clenched his jaw.
"Damn it. Deploy all aerial support. Stop Hulk from closing the gap, use sonic disrupters if necessary! We cannot let that contact be made!"
The chopper began descending, autocannons blazing. Vibranium-piercing rounds hammered down in a constant hail, forming a curtain of suppression around the raging green monster.
---
To Li Ran's relief, Hulk paused. The hailstorm of bullets had caught his attention. Not because it hurt but because it annoyed him.
"RAARGH!"
The Hulk spun, seized the door of a flipped SHIELD SUV, and flung it like a discus.
"Evasive pattern Delta!" screamed the pilot.
The chopper banked just in time, the flying car door spun past harmlessly.
The pilot smirked.
Then Hulk jumped.
"Wait, what—HE'S ON THE DAMN—"
A titanic green hand slapped onto the fuselage. The entire vehicle rocked.
"HULK IS ON THE HELICOPTER!"
From the streets below, Li Ran watched the scene unfold and instinctively offered three seconds of solemn silence for the poor pilot.
Then he turned and ran even faster.
Even SHIELD's next-gen gunships couldn't withstand Hulk in close quarters. Ross had rolled the dice and just lost a bird.
And Li Ran had no plans of being next.
---
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