Lindsey pov
"It's not uncommon for a surrogate mom to have a biological child after the surrogacy journey," My eyes read through the write-ups I've searched for on the internet without opening my mouth to read them out. I lost my hope after I got home last night, sad and heartbroken after knowing the decision had been finalised and I was going to carry a stranger's child. I don't have a choice anymore.
I've cried so much that I can't feel tears in my eyes anymore. I think it dried up, or it forgot to escape through my eyes. I've stopped crying. Accepting my fate and convincing myself to believe it's all about a fate attached to me. If life at the orphanage would have been better, the creator wouldn't have made them adopt me at an early age.
If I'm not meant to do this Andrew should not be lying at the hospital after the creator knows we barely have the money to save his life. Although I am not ready for the task that comes with saving his life, still I am not ready to run away from home. That's the last thing I'll try to save me. The outside world is as dangerous as the inside world.
I will stay back and watch what the almighty has in mind to do with this. I hope I survived it and it doesn't claim my life. Mom called to inform me that the appointment was in two days, and with a shaky voice, I told her that I'd be there.
It's not like I have a choice, I can't make one with the sad look she has been giving me. Even if it was meant to manipulate my emotions and decisions, I still can't help but believe it. I'm doing this to make them happy and save their only child.
"Is the baby yours if you become a surrogate mom?" I typed the question like I didn't know the answer myself. Why would the baby be mine? I am just a surrogate mother. Whoever the couple that needs my womb to find happiness are the parents. They only want to use my womb to get it. I am just a tool.
I'm going to do them a huge favour, yet I haven't met any of them before. My age is part of the reason why I have to suffer so much. If I was to be a teenager or younger than I am such decisions would not be forced on me. But then I grew faster to merge with the rhythm of my problems.
Withdrawing my hand from the laptop mouse, I placed my palm on my belly, which is the flattest surface I've seen today. Who knows if in a month it'll have a baby growing inside of it. A baby I didn't seek for pleasure to have but will be forced in me. A baby I don't know if I will purposely lose it once Andrew's surgery has been paid for.
A lot of negative thoughts flooded my head and I'm certain that I would start hating myself in days to come. The evil I've planned within me, even if it'll cost my own life, will destroy me if I fail to stop.
"Does a surrogate mother share the same blood with the baby?" I don't know the reason for hoping to see what would make me happy, but I knew I was bound to cry if the reply was similar to what I wanted to hear. Something needs to make me feel like I am not a tool.
It came out positive and I found myself smiling, knowing something about the baby will belong to me at some point. The baby will share the same blood with me while in my womb. Even if it'll cost me my body and my dreams because I don't know what life awaits me after the pregnancy journey, I know things will get better with time
"Is surrogacy painful?" I had to ask because the fear of it lingered in my mind. The Internet said that it's less painful. It's what I will do and be out of the hospital in a day but there will be many discomfort afterwards. It relieved me of my fear and relaxed it with another one to be worried about. This surrogacy journey will be very difficult for me.
I should probably visit Chloe with my sadness and probably party if needed, because the fate that's going to become mine in three days may deprive me of the life I had now. I will be a mother whether I like it or not and people will see me with a protruding tummy that a tiny creature is growing in.
Not many will believe it if I explain, so I am sure that isolation will be my defence mechanism once the days come. I can hide from the whole world but not my best friend though. It's part of the reason why I will share everything with her once I get to her place.
*
I had thought the IVF process would have been completed, and mine was just for the embryo to get transferred into my uterus, and then the journey of bearing a stranger began. I didn't know the discussion the woman had with Mom, but she didn't tell me that I would be donating my eggs too.
I'm going to be the biological mother of the baby and not just a surrogate mother who gave the baby her womb to grow in. Everything gets hard and hard the more I try to think about it. How could I even forget to think about that? I had many chances of running instead of doing a stranger that huge favour, but I stayed; it was too late to run now.
I was already stepping out of the clinic where my eggs had been taken from, and I was informed that I would be notified after the sperm donor completed his process to make the IVF successful midway. Everything seems untrue but it's happening in a reality. I would never have wished to be forced to have sex with a stranger but then, we're going to bear a child together. A stranger I haven't met.
"Will you get some rest when you get home?" Mom asked like she cared. I stopped walking to look at her in the eyes and see if she would see the pain she was causing me through the lines of it in my eyes. She looked away from me, resisting the need to share eye contact with me and without saying anything, I resumed walking.
She will have to go back to the hospital where Andrew is admitted since the hospital where we did whatever I came here to do is a different hospital entirely. It seems the arrangement was made by the family of whoever needs the child because the hospital looks like the one only wealthy people can afford to enter.
There was no significant interaction between Mom and me afterwards, and when I was finally able to make an order for a cab online, I left the premises like I was never there. I'm not done there; I will be coming back when my eggs get combined with the stranger's sperm to form an embryo(a baby). I will be back to carry a baby in me.
I hope things go well with the first trial because I am not ready to do this again. I can barely wait to get done with everything and all the problems life throws at me to take care of. I can't wait to have peace to myself without worries on my mind.
*
Suddenly, I didn't feel the need to cry my eyes even when things were passionately hurting me. It seems like my body is accommodating to being treated badly and now doesn't want to bother about it again.
There's a reassurance at the back of my mind and it's that everything will be fine. Even while I stared at the foodstuffs at home that would soon finish, and I couldn't complain to my parents, I knew everything would still be fine.
I grabbed the bowl of cereal I'd made for myself as dinner, and I walked out of the kitchen. The loneliness and silence around me stared at me when I got to the sitting room, and I stared at anything aside from the humans we used to sit together those days and share laughter. My parents. Life used to be great without Andrew with us.
I wonder if such moments will repeat themselves in the future or if it's only meant to occur once in a lifetime. It has not been easy feeding and looking after myself for the past month. Dad comes home to sleep like he never did because he hardly comes around.
Mom hasn't slept in this house since Andrew got admitted and Andrew, I've not been able to meet him since the day the deal was finalised. I may never get to even meet him again until the day he walks back into the house by himself. That's if he survives the surgery.
I had nothing to say to the emptiness in the parlour that I was sure was tired of seeing me; I just walked away from there to the part of the house that still gets my back and worries. My room is the only place that has refused to judge me in this house.
It was the sound of my phone, which I left on the bed ringing, that disturbed my hearing once I was close to opening the door. I wondered who was calling and silently prayed for it not to be my parents because they were the last people I wanted to hear from right now.
"Chloe," I mouthed before picking up and then relaxing my butt on my bed. I placed the bowl of cereal in between my parted legs, and I prepared to eat while I spoke with her.
We exchanged a few words to check up on each other, and afterwards, she asked, "How was the surrogacy stuff?" A leap of concern was evident on her face, and I'm sure she had the softest look on her face right now, even if I couldn't see what her face looked like.
"I had an IVF appointment instead," I simply said like my heart didn't hurt when I thought about it before saying it out. I know she'd be as shocked as I was when they told me to lay while I watched my eggs being taken away from me. And I saw the happiness in the woman's eyes when the doctor prayed for it to be successful.
"I'm sure you're kidding with me, Lindsey," Chloe called me Lindsey instead of her usual 'SEY'. It showed how stunned she was by what I said. I heaved a deep sigh and when I was done chewing on the cereal I had in my mouth, I started explaining what happened to her.
We ended up speaking for a long time, and most of our discussions were about me and my problems. She barely talked about herself or whatever she was going through at work the way she usually did. We've barely had time for ourselves these days. Too busy sorting out the problems I didn't voluntarily put myself in.
I covered myself up with a duvet as I prepared to sleep after the call session was over while I wished for better days to come. Days when I'd wake up with happiness and not sleep back in pain. The day that I will finally experience peace.
*
Three weeks later, I was summoned to finally go for the surrogacy. Mom told me the IVF process was successful and now is the time to finally take the baby into me. The baby, I hoped, would work out and survive so another of my eggs wouldn't get used while trying to save a life. The life of the person who may never appreciate it.
A car was waiting for me outside the house, and when I walked close to it, the woman who was always there on the day of my troubles was sitting in the back space of the car. She greeted me with a warm smile and I bowed my head in return without saying anything. I don't like her. I'm not going to hide it from her eyes.
"How are you, Lindsey?" She asked once I got into the car and sat down beside her. I replied in a few words and concentrated my eyes on the life outside the car.
'When will I get to meet your son who needs the baby?' I badly wanted to face her and ask but I couldn't. They should make chances for that to happen, and if they don't consider doing it till now, it only means that I am not supposed to meet him.
"Have you been feeding well? You always look like you've lost quite some calories whenever I meet you," the sweetness in her voice as she speaks and the aura that lingers around her shows that this woman is very wealthy.
"I've been feeding well," I lied, even when I hadn't had anything to eat that day. I'm not ready to tell stories. I had enough water to drink before leaving the house, and that should count as something.
"I will have some food sent to you after the transfer is successfully done. I need you to be healthy, so my grandchild will be too," This just showed that it's her plan for me to go through everything I am going through. She's the mother of the sperm donor. The child I'll be carrying in me belonged to her family at the end of the day.
"Have you seen your period for this month?" It was a question that irked me because I am not good at speaking about my private affair with a stranger, but this woman is diving into mine like I shouldn't protect it.
"It should be here in ten days," I replied. I'm counting the days and it's just ten days left before I will hit my next cycle. I don't know if what I said had an impact on her facial expressions, but she wasn't smiling anymore.
"I will ask the doctor if it's safe for you to carry the baby now," she said to me, and I nodded my head. My hands folded themselves on my chest as I looked out of the window.
It feels good sitting in an expensive car while someone drives without Mom and Dad sitting in the front seat as they discussed, and me receiving hateful glares from Andrew. It feels good knowing everyone we've driven past has turned to admire the beauty of the car.
There is a possibility that it won't feel the same way when I return home after carrying a two-week and a few days embryo in me. It won't also feel great praying for the baby to make it so all these can be over very soon.