You ever notice how people expect God to be the ultimate magician? Like, "Hey God, can you turn my Dasani into a Merlot? Maybe walk across my pool while you're at it?" Look, I get it—Jesus had some wild party tricks, but at this point, people expect God to be a cross between David Blaine and The Rock.
And everyone talks about God being all-powerful: "He can resurrect the dead, give eternal life, move mountains!" But then, the same folks are out here quoting the Bible to burn the witch, like it's a Salem flashback. I mean, if God's so forgiving, why does the church sometimes act like the world's strictest hall monitor?
The Bible literally says no one sin is greater than another. So if you forgot to call your mom today, congrats—you're apparently right up there with Hitler in the celestial scorebook. Sorry, Mom!
And don't even get me started on the idea that the Bible was written by pure, angelic saints with zero outside influence. Yeah, because ancient governments were totally chill with letting peasants write whatever they wanted. Sure, and my grandma wrote the Constitution.
Let's be real: if you think every single person who contributed to the Bible only had God's best interests at heart, I've got a bridge in Jerusalem to sell you.
The funniest part is how people shop around for the version of God that fits their narrative. If the Old Testament God seems too angry, they're like, "Nah, I prefer New Testament God—he's more chill." It's like they're scrolling through divine Tinder profiles. "This God is too judgmental... this one's too forgiving... I need one that hates exactly the same people I do!"
And if God doesn't fit their exact specifications? They just request a different deity who fits the audition better! "Sorry, all-powerful Creator of the universe, we're going with a different candidate. We loved your work with the burning bush, but we need someone who's more pro-my-exact-political-views."
People cherry-pick Bible verses like they're at a spiritual buffet. "I'll take the 'love thy neighbor' with a side of 'prosperity gospel,' but hold the 'give away all your possessions to the poor'—that part doesn't apply to my BMW payments."
Then there's how we interpret miracles. God parts the Red Sea? Amazing! Someone claims their cancer went into remission because of prayer? Beautiful miracle! But when science explains something that was once mysterious, suddenly God's getting performance reviews like, "Disappointing. Expected more supernatural elements. Two stars."
The mental gymnastics are Olympic-level. We want an all-loving God who also smites our enemies. An all-knowing God who somehow doesn't see us cheating on our taxes. An all-powerful God who can move mountains but apparently can't help us find our car keys.
It's like we've created God in our image, not the other way around. And if the divine doesn't match our expectations? Well, there's always another interpretation, another denomination, another religion entirely. It's cosmic speed-dating until we find the deity that validates exactly what
we already believe.