"I'm tired."
My voice cracked, it sounded somewhat like a confession rather than a statement.
'Nothing will change.
No matter how many lifetimes I spend. No matter how many things I lose or the tears and blood I shed.
The world stays the same.
Sure, some changes are made, but at the end of the day
Fate will always, always have its way.'
My eyes softly gleamed as if it were some type of precious mineral.
I let out a sharp breath–
I was about to cry. I really was,
But I didn't.
The tears that were about to come never did.
In my dandelion-colored eyes, it looked like I was never about to cry. As if nothing could ever faze me.
Maybe, I used up all my tears a couple of lifetimes ago.
"I don't want to regress anymore."
I spoke.
and it sounded so strange,
so incredibly–raw,
as if had only heard my real voice for the first time.
That throughout all of my lives, I've heard someone else.
Someone that wasn't me.
Yet, it sounded so inhuman. So monotone, so utterly devoid of life. It felt like you were hearing a man speak from beyond the grave.
To others, it almost would make you feel... nostalgic.
You know this voice, but you don't. You felt as if you'd heard it somewhere, but you haven't.
A sort of feeling of deja vu.
I spoke again:
"My last regression was by far my farthest. I finally cut off that bastard's arm."
This time my voice sounded
normal.
'What's wrong with me? Have the regressions finally gotten to me?'
I shook my head in disagreement as if that was the stupidest question I'd ever heard.
A soft, breathy snicker came from me.
It almost sounded like I wasn't laughing at all.
'The regressions had gotten to me long ago.'
I subconsciously smiled but just slightly, just a brief curl of my lips.
I looked towards the empty dark expanse before me; I pulled my arm from behind my head as if I were stretching.
I stretched my hand out towards the darkness, my mouth ever so slightly agape.
I had seen this sight more than a thousand times. The stars never did change positions in the sky.
'The night sky, it's almost like a curtain of some sort.'
Those soft glimmers of light scarcely spread throughout the night. I couldn't help but admire them once or twice throughout my regressions.
'Perhaps it is a curtain to shield us from within, or it could be a curtain to shield the outside from us.'
I was just lost in thought even if the thoughts were practically meaningless.
'Ah, right.'
I had gotten distracted.
It was as if I wasn't just preparing to cry a few moments earlier.
'Now that I think about it when was the last time I truly cried?'
And just like that,
I had gotten distracted again.
I truly couldn't help myself.
****
'I thought this loop would be different. That I could possibly earn a happy life.'
I was a fool.
I'd come to realize that
The number one rule of regression:
Regressors aren't allowed to be happy.
The world would never allow it.
The thundering sound of cars crashing by, the blaring of lights shuddering across the city, and the soft sounds of people talking in the distance.
"It's quite nice up here."
I said while I looked down towards the traffic.
'What a useless loop.'
That was my evaluation of it, an attempt for happiness that amounted to nothing.
'I didn't even make any progress or learn anything new.'
I gathered strength in my legs and–
I kicked off the concrete.
The memories of this life were already slowly fading away.
My brain refused to keep onto useless memories, it was somewhat of a skill I had after living through so many lives.
I mean I had a near-photographic memory; it was a natural thing for a regressor to have.
I couldn't possibly remember everything throughout my loops, that would be absurd.
'This was my first time having a child.'
A young boy with brownish-black hair similar to mine and eyes like little emeralds just like his mother's.
I loved him or at least I thought I did.
So, why can't I remember his face?
A somewhat makeshift image of him appeared in my head, but that wasn't him.
An image of me and him together, but why was I so clear–
but he wasn't.
'Did I even love her? Did I love any of them?'
I was still flailing across the air; the building was around 75 stories possibly. The voices of the people under me slowly but surely got louder.
[Warning: You will regress soon]
'She said I reminded her of a steady, unyielding wall. An unchanging calm in her life full of discord. I wonder how this would make her feel?'
However, I would never know.
A loud yet distant scream, it seemed to come from a man barely in his mid-30s, a somewhat deep yet husky voice.
Of course, it wasn't mine.
[You have regressed. This is your 3816th loop]
I tried many things after that; I tried to live another happy life.
Though, I died after twelve years in my late twenties. I even tried to sit in the forest till I died.
If I went anywhere outside the ones who forced me into the forest would find me no matter what and kill me unless I went into the capital and then to the campus.
If I stayed there, I'd starve to death.
The forest is called The Forest of Illusion.
Animals don't appear there often and the plants in the forest only lasted me a couple of months.
I had decided at the very end that it was impossible for regressors to quote live "happy lives."
I mean I don't know what I was expecting.
The regressions had already taken their toll on me and now every time it felt like I was just replaying the same shitty game all over again.
I even came up with rules that would lead me through all my regressions to ensure at least a half-decent run.
Well, that was around 700 loops ago.
I lay quietly in the forest–the same as always.
The damp grass, which smelled so incredibly earth, the wind which softly blew past the blades of grass below me.
Even the breezes were the same.
"That was my second farthest loop. The Demon God was just on his last breath before he ascended to a higher tier and wiped the floor with us."
I looked back into the forest I had regressed back to every time. I remember when I first came here.
Back then, I was an arrogant little brat, and I remained that way throughout the next 10ish loops.
'I remember when Lucas would slap the shit out of me every time I took it too far. I kind of miss those days. Maybe I should spend this life supporting him. He would be a far better regressor than me.'
A golden-haired man suddenly filled my mind, the image of him holding his blade whilst I looked on from behind him as he charged towards his inevitable death.
'To think I still remember something from my fifth loop.'
I always wondered throughout all my regressions.
Are regressors actually allowed to be happy?
Or are they just forever bound to the burden that has been inflicted upon them?
Are regressors human or are they something else?
Why do I regress?
'Maybe I'll change it up this time. I never know when I might die and everything will go back to this point so I might as well try and have a bit of fun.'
I looked around at the forest I was in, I had memorized the entire thing from my regressions.
The way the ants on the rocks move, the pattern of the leaves falling, all of it was so painstakingly clear to me right now.
"I've always wanted to write them down," I muttered.
The fifteen rules of regression. They were meaningless, really,
but they were my rules. The ones I created myself.
A small, simple goal–unlike my original one.
"Pen and paper. That would be nice."
For me, it was just enough.