Urip was still frozen on the email page. His heart pounded again—not from the remnants of a heart attack, but from something else—a tremor of emotion.
He clicked on the Inbox folder. A long list of emails appeared. But what made his breath catch was one thing:
Every email since April 1999 came from the same sender.
Siska Sulaiman.
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 1998
Where were you? Why didn't you help me back then?
I sent a penyeranta. I said, "Help me." But you didn't come. I waited. I believed you would come. But you didn't.
Why, Rip?
Subject: Are You Still Alive?
Date: May 12, 1999
I still wonder… are you alive or already dead?
Sometimes I wish you were dead… because if you were alive and left me like that, it hurts more.
But if you were dead… why do I still feel you so close? Like you're around me.
You're still alive, right, Rip?
---
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 1999
It's your birthday today. I don't know why I still remember.
I hope you're well. I hope you're happy.
I can't wish for more. But I still remember you.
---
Subject: Forget Me
Date: May 12, 2000
I know this is all pointless. You won't reply. You won't come. I've waited too long. And my life can't stay stuck in the past.
Starting today, forget me. Pretend I never existed.
---
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 2000
I once told you to forget me. But turns out, I'm the one who can't forget you.
Every time this day comes, I want to blow out the candles with you.
---
Subject: I Still Wonder Why You Didn't Come Help Me
Date: May 12, 2001
I've gone crazy, Rip.
Every year, every November 13, I open your Yahoo account—to reread my May 12 email.
Then every May 12, I open it again—to reread my November 13 message.
I know it's stupid. But I don't know any other way to feel like you're still here.
There's one thing I never understood:
Why didn't you help me?
Why didn't you reply to my email?
You didn't even read it.
Was I not important to you?
I sent a pager message that day. I said, "Help me."
But you didn't come.
I was raped, Rip.
By many. I couldn't even count how many.
I was saved by a Buddhist temple in Sunter. Not a church.
Then, my mother got sick… and passed away.
I couldn't even be by her side at the end.
Dad emptied all his savings and took me to Singapore. I was treated there.
I had a miscarriage—our child. They performed a curettage. The doctor said I had chlamydia, one of many STDs that can come from rape.
I was treated. Cleaned. But they said I might never be able to have children again. During that time, I was also treated in a psychiatric hospital, Rip.
That's when I realized: it was only me and my dad.
And from then on, I stopped going to church. I stopped praying.
What for? God didn't save me. And He couldn't reach me through your hands, Stefanus Urip Mulio.
But here, I met Lim Woo. He knows everything. And he still accepted me. Even though I'm "dirty"… and might never give him a child.
He still said, "You deserve to be loved."
All I can say is… I wish none of this had happened.
But it did.
And you weren't there.
---
Subject: I'm Married & Pregnant
Date: November 13, 2001
Happy birthday, Rip.
This year, I didn't just open your email—I finally stopped waiting for your reply.
I got married. Not at the Jakarta Cathedral. Not with a priest's blessing like we used to dream of.
But at a civil registry office in Singapore, after Dad and I got SG passports. And yes, without Mass. I no longer believe in God.
I'm pregnant. No idea how—it was supposed to be unlikely.
What's certain is:
You didn't keep your promise to take responsibility. You didn't marry me.
But he did. Lim Woo. He's not perfect. But he's here.
I don't know what your life is like now. But I've stopped hoping you're still reading these emails.
Funny, though… I still keep writing them.
---
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 2002
My son was born on May 12. His name is Gabriel. He looks like… my dad.
But sometimes when I look into his eyes, I remember you too. He's sweet, healthy, and knows nothing about the wounds of this world. And maybe that's for the best. Let him not know.
Dad's working again at a gold shop, still in Singapore. We live simply, but we lack nothing.
How about you? Still alive? Or truly dead?
Happy birthday, Rip.
---
Subject: I'm Still Here
Date: May 12, 2003
Today… it's May 12 again. And this year is different, Rip.
Dad is gone. He died three months ago. Heart attack.
So fast. No goodbyes. But I'm grateful he got to see Gabriel grow a little. Now I only have Lim Woo and Gaby.
And that's enough.
Sometimes I still miss you. But it's not love anymore. More like guilt—because I never knew if you really died or just walked away from me.
But today, for the first time… I didn't cry. Maybe because I'm not alone anymore.
---
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 2003
Rip, my son is growing up fast. Gaby's in kindergarten now in Singapore. He learns quickly—so smart. Sometimes I'm amazed. Also proud.
Lim Woo is always by my side. We live simply, but full of love.
I hope you're happy too, wherever you are.
---
Subject: Today Is Special
Date: May 12, 2004
Gaby has started elementary school.
It's a good school. The teachers are kind.
He's so eager to read and write.
Lim Woo and I always try our best to give him everything.
If I could, I'd want you to know how he's growing.
---
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 2006
Gaby's in middle school now. He's starting to love sports and music. We even thought about acceleration—so he could enter high school early.
Lim Woo is busy with work, but always makes time for family. We're happy, Rip.
---
Subject: Gaby's in High School in Seoul
Date: May 12, 2012
Gaby's finally in high school—in Seoul. He's so excited.
I know you'd be proud if you saw him now.
---
Subject: Happy Birthday
Date: November 13, 2020
Gaby got accepted into Medical School. Lim Woo and I are so proud. All his hard work has paid off.
I know you'd want to hear the news.
Wherever you are, I hope you're praying for his future too.