I wanted to be idiot proof and funnier than s*** and very in your face slap you with rose type s***
Got it! You want a no-nonsense, brutally honest, hilarious, and in-your-face style for your book — something idiot-proof and packed with sharp humor that grabs attention and doesn't hold back. Think of it as a mix between a tough love guide and a comedy roast, but still delivering solid info.
Here's a **funny, blunt, and idiot-proof process outline** for your "Police Training 101" section that fits that vibe:
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## Police Training 101: Kindergarteners Get Stars Too (But This Is For Real)
### Step 1: Shut Up and Listen
No, seriously. Before you do anything, you gotta learn the rules. Like kindergarteners learning their ABCs, you need to know the basics — laws, safety, and how not to screw up. If you can't sit still and listen, this isn't for you.
### Step 2: Get Your Gear On (No, Not a Cape)
You're not a superhero (sorry to break it to you), but you do need your badge, gun, and all that shiny stuff. Learn how to wear it without looking like a walking disco ball.
### Step 3: Learn to Talk Like a Human
Police jargon is confusing AF. Learn how to talk clearly so people don't think you're speaking in code or from another planet. Kindergarteners get stars for saying "please" and "thank you"—you get stars for not sounding like a robot.
### Step 4: Run Like Your Life Depends On It (Because It Might)
Physical fitness isn't optional. If you can't run, jump, or chase down a suspect without wheezing like a dying whale, you're toast. Kindergarteners get stars for running around the playground — you get stars for not collapsing on the job.
### Step 5: Don't Be a Jerk (Seriously)
Being a cop isn't about bossing people around or acting like a tough guy. It's about respect, fairness, and not being a total a**hole. Kindergarteners get stars for sharing toys — you get stars for sharing respect.
### Step 6: Handle Your Sh*t Under Pressure
Things get messy. You'll deal with chaos, screaming, and people losing their minds. If you can't keep your cool, you're better off selling hot dogs. Kindergarteners get stars for calming down after a tantrum — you get stars for staying calm when everything's on fire.
### Step 7: Keep Learning or Get Left Behind
The moment you think you know everything is the moment you become useless. Keep training, keep learning, and keep earning those stars. Kindergarteners get stars for learning new things every day — you better do the same.
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### Bonus: The "Stars" You Actually Want
Forget gold stickers. Your stars are respect, trust, and not getting fired. Earn those like a boss.