I was 20 years old that year, with a vocational college degree.
During my one-year internship, I was arranged by the school to work at a pharmacy. After a month, I was ruthlessly fired, wasting nearly 1000 yuan on transportation and courier fees for running my luggage.
After being expelled, the school required me to find a new internship location related to medicine within a week, otherwise I would have to make up for the internship.
Time was very tight, so I rushed to seek medical attention and casually found a private hospital in my hometown county in Guangxi Province China.
At that time, it should have been late July or early August. The scorching heat of summer is suffocating.
During the internship, there was no salary and I had to work 9 hours a day. As I work in pharmacy, I had to be assigned to the pharmacy first.
In the pharmacy, I am like Cinderella without a prince, constantly picking up medicine every day, not only from the outpatient department, but also from the hospital, one after another, endlessly.
I also need to verify the quantity of drugs, help list new drugs, clean the shelves, and write a controlled drug registration form. When writing the registration form, the handwriting should be neat and not incorrect. Live and break, like an unstoppable faucet.
My colleagues at the pharmacy entrusted me with many tasks, such as washing my white coat and collecting garbage to sell. All the lost medicine is still on me. Apologies are powerless, I can only bear them silently. In the pharmacy, only Ms. Lu, the head of the department, treats me a little better. She gently asks me every day, "How was today
This simple greeting became the only warm color in the cold pharmacy environment.
Life in the pharmacy was completely different from what I had imagined before, with a huge gap and heavy exhaustion that almost crushed me.
When I first arrived, I called my parents every day to ask to go home, but they said I had only been here for less than a week and it would be too embarrassing to go back. They insisted that I persevere, and at that time, they had given money to the dean before introducing me in.
They hope that I can pursue a career in medicine like my uncle and uncle who became a village doctor in the future, and it would be great if I came here to learn some skills.
And the school doesn't allow me to leave either.
Returning to the dormitory at night, it belongs to the type of shared room, with three small rooms sharing a living room and two people in each room. The garbage in the living room is almost piled up into a small hill, emitting a sour smell, and some maggots can be seen in the leftover boxed meals. The dormitory is on the 10th floor 1003, but fortunately there is an elevator and I didn't feel too tired when I went upstairs.
I don't have a bed, I can only sleep on a thick wooden board lying on the ground.
My roommate in the same dormitory, a local boy, often ridicules me, saying that I don't have a salary to intern here and that I am a college student. He looks down on me very much and can't tolerate me. He moved out in less than a week and moved in with his girlfriend.
On the night he moved out, I worked overtime at the hospital until 9 o'clock and got covered in the smell of medicine.
Pushing open the door, I thought that living alone in the dormitory might improve in the future.
But the next second, my heart lifted again - a strange boy sat on my roommate's bed, occupying my small table and playing games on a computer, with the sound of the game keyboard crackling.
I was a bit angry at that time because I had to prepare for exams such as upgrading from a vocational college to a bachelor's degree, taking postgraduate entrance exams, taking civil service exams, passing the English Test Band 4, practicing pharmacists, etc. on that table. That is the only channel through which I can change the future! Now it has been occupied by that man.
But when he lifted his head, I sank at first sight. His eyes were particularly unique, and his phoenix eyes had a bit of a fighting chicken eye feeling.
Those eyes seem to be able to see through my soul.
He wears a pair of wide framed glasses, his hair is cut short, he is not wearing a shirt, his face is round, slightly chubby but his body lines are smooth and tight.
My height and age should be similar to mine.
He looks different from all the guys I've had a crush on before. I used to like those who were handsome, either with bangs or average looks.
I had a crush on several guys from junior high school to college, but all of them failed. In the end, I had a crush on him for two years during my college years. I helped him cook, print documents, and during military training, he was right next to me, and many unforgettable interactions occurred.
But when I saw him and his girlfriend taking a photo on their social media circle, I almost went crazy and felt like I had been stabbed hard in the heart. Swear never to be moved again.
But with just one glance at the person in front of me, the wall of my heart collapsed. All the unsettled emotions before rushed towards him, and a sense of destined dizziness seized me.
Sorry, is this your table? I'm really sorry
He came here from Harbin to work as a nurse in the inpatient department.
I flew nearly 3000 kilometers to come here today. I was introduced by my family and friends, and I thought it was too cold for them. I wanted to come to the south to have a look.
He looks the same age as me and is very talkative. He talks to me about life in Northeast China, about the snow and cold in Northeast China.
He also corrected my broken Mandarin with a smile, saying that I had said 'snow' as' blood ', which startled him.
From that day on, life seemed to be illuminated by a light, and I began to take good care of him. I specifically ordered bottled water to drink with him because the hospital water had a disinfectant smell, and bought snacks and snacks to share with him. I cleaned the whole dirty and messy dormitory clean, wiped the yellowed toilet squat and washbasin shiny, and it took me 3-4 days to clear that garbage mountain. The room finally looks a bit 'inhabited'.
At night, I will use hot water to boil water for him to take a shower in advance because the dormitory does not have a water heater.
At that time, all the hope was to have a few words with him after work at night, and the two of us squeezed together at a small table. When he is playing games, I will secretly glance at him, with thick books spread out in front of him, but all my thoughts are on him.
His slightly furrowed brow brushed against his tightly pursed lips due to the nervousness of the game, brushed against his round earlobes and blue hair stubble. The handwriting on the book becomes blurry
I developed feelings and dependence on him in this situation. His presence became the only painkiller and stimulant in my gloomy internship life.
He is in the inpatient department, and I am in the pharmacy. Across the distance of a building, like across a mountain. I feel very disappointed, unable to see each other all day long. I imagined him pushing a treatment cart through the hallway of the ward at the pharmacy.
Disappointment is like cold water, poured onto the just ignited flame.
So I gathered up my courage and found the head of the medical department, hoping to be transferred to the inpatient department.
He looked at me with a lukewarm expression and said, 'We'll talk about staying in the pharmacy for two months.'
Pharmacies are the most tiring, live the most, and cannot learn anything. I know they are holding back the cheapest labor. I have no choice but to endure. Day by day.
Once the air conditioning in the dormitory broke down, so I gave him my small electric fan to use and told him that I still had it, but that night I was so hot that I couldn't sleep at all. Sweat soaked my vest and it stuck to the wooden board. With eyes wide open, I watched his blurry silhouette in the dim light. The unbearable heat in my body intertwined with the idea of doing something for him in my heart, forming an almost self destructive sweetness.
As long as it can make him feel better, what's the point of discomfort for me?
The only opportunity to see him in the hospital during this period was during a fire drill. I stood behind him, absentmindedly listening to the safety officer's explanation, but my gaze was firmly fixed on him, watching him clumsily operate the fire extinguisher, his movements were a bit flustered, not handsome, not carefree. But I just like it. I like this clumsy reality.
The lofty god is too far away to reach. I just need a living person with warmth, and I can make mistakes.
Once, his glasses leg broke. I know there's an eyewear store nearby, it's only ten minutes away, "I quickly said
He rented an electric car.
You point the way, "he said.
I sat in the back seat, the wind brushing against my ear, hesitating for a long time, my heart beating rapidly.
Carefully, he slid his hand down from his shoulder and gently wrapped it around his waist. Through the thin T-shirt, one can feel the warmth and tightness of his lower abdomen.
At that moment, the heart beat wildly, as if about to burst out of the chest cavity. I buried my face in his back, greedily breathing in the scent of sun dried fabric and his unique, clean masculine aura.
Close your eyes and fantasize that this is eternity.
The roar of the engine is the accompaniment of my heartbeat.
But he felt too itchy and asked me to let go.
Sometimes he doesn't go back to the dormitory to sleep, and I'm very worried. But I am also a little excited.
I inexplicably picked up his clothes, pants, and underwear and sniffed them. The scent of youthful male hormones mixed with sweat and laundry detergent almost suffocated me. I even put their clothes on my pillow and slept all night.
From then on, stealing his clothes became my norm.
One night, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I found him sleeping heavily and breathing evenly.
The moonlight shone through the curtains and landed on his exposed back, his skin very white, like a piece of jade in the dark night.
I held my breath. The hand, uncontrollably and extremely slowly, extended. Fingertips touched his warm skin.
Smooth and delicate, that was the first time I touched his body. Very white, I wonder if northerners are all so white, their hearts pounding uncontrollably in their chests, like a group of frightened deer.
I secretly touched his hair again. His hair was cut too short and hard, standing upright. My hand was pricked and hurt.
He didn't wake up.
Due to our different working hours, we can hardly meet on the road. We have encountered each other in the hospital cafeteria a few times.
But he is always with others, and I feel embarrassed to say hello. I hate my introversion, my clumsiness, and my cowardice.
During the National Day holiday, I only had three days off, and I took a car back to my hometown, which was only a little over an hour away.
My grandmother is the only one at home, with limited mobility and hunched over to tidy up the house. Looking at my grandmother's figure, a clear thought came to mind: even if I couldn't find a job, taking care of her at home would be better than working as a free laborer here. Damn school! These two months, if it weren't for that person in my heart, if it weren't for that pitiful expectation every night, I would have run away long ago.
What supports me to endure is never my love for the medical profession, but this humble crush in the dust.
During the National Day holiday, I requested to leave the pharmacy to Director Lu.
Her face clearly showed reluctance.
But I told her that I have been doing a lot of things in the past two months and I am very tired, and there is no salary. I don't speak loudly, but I am very persistent. In the end, she agreed to let me go and before leaving, I bowed deeply to her.
After arriving at the inpatient department, I thought I could meet him every day, but the department was too large, with several floors.
I occasionally see him, always in a hurry, pushing a treatment cart or holding a medical record folder. I called him by his name, and he hurriedly responded, his footsteps never stopping. He was too busy to pay attention to me.
A few times, I took the initiative to approach and help him push the heavy medicine cart.
He smiled and said, 'Thank you.' That's all, until his back disappeared behind the ward door. That smile is like sunshine, brief but dazzling, completely warming the cold in my heart.
Whenever I have the opportunity, I will take the initiative to contact him. Sometimes I deliberately pretend to buy too much breakfast and can't eat it, and then give him some as gifts. But he seems to have no feelings for me, every hope turns into disappointment.
Once I saw him taking care of an elderly lady who couldn't control her bladder and bowels. It wasn't my business, but I still walked over to help.
I'll help you, "I said. He was a little surprised.
We worked together to clean up, change the sheets, the smell was pungent, our stomachs churned, but our hearts were so sweet. But doing something with him, so close to him, although it smells bad, I feel happy.
The old lady is very grateful to me. She told me her story and talked incessantly. She said she was very beautiful when she was young, and she couldn't stand any young men. Until now, she hasn't gotten married and has no children, which is very difficult. Finally, she said:
If you like someone, be brave enough to pursue them. There is only one chance in your life, otherwise you will regret it when you get old. Her thin and withered hands, like a red hot iron, firmly grasped my arm.
One night, I had a dream that we owned a small RV that belonged to the two of us. We drove the RV around the world, facing the sea breeze on the beach and freely rushing towards the sea. To romantic Türkiye, to ancient Scottish castles, to northern Europe with aurora... Everything in the world is beautiful, free, no internship, no pharmacy, no garbage mountain, no other people's eyes. I woke up laughing in my dream, and a small piece of my pillow got wet.
In October, the weather gradually turned cooler. On a day off, I carried my meager living expenses to the underground mall in the center of the county, hoping to buy a coat that could keep me warm. There were very few people in the underground mall, and scattered shops were still operating on both sides. I went to a clothing store and bought a gray and blue coat like him without hesitation.But I never wore it on my body, afraid he would see it, afraid he would ask, afraid I wouldn't be able to hide it, so I pressed it at the bottom of my suitcase.
Then I bought a very beautiful watch and planned to give it to him at the end of my internship, but I didn't give it away in the end.
As I walked, I stopped. In front of me was a large area of shops with black lights, and at the end of the passage was a thick and impenetrable darkness, as if there was no end.
At this moment, a voice in my heart said: Don't leave, it's over. I think this foreshadows some kind of ending.
Not long after, the news came that my grandmother had fallen, although it was not serious, I was also very worried.
I want to ask the head of the medical department for two days off. But at that time, my living expenses were already tight, and my parents who were farming in Guangdong lost their income due to the typhoon weather. I can't even get a return ticket worth tens of yuan.
What scares me even more is the cold face of the section chief and his icy tone of 'wait until two months in the pharmacy'. I can almost imagine his impatient expression when he refused.
In the end, I couldn't push open that door. I know the section chief may not approve my return, and in the end, I didn't manage to go home.
Returning to that cold, garbage filled shared apartment with only game sound effects, watching the back of the boy focused on the game, for the first time, I strongly felt that this was really my home, my 'home'?
But after a second, I gave up the idea. The boy didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't do anything.
I still love him wholeheartedly from beginning to end. No matter how difficult life is, I won't sell SpongeBob SquarePants like Crab Boss sold him for 60 cents. If I had this boy, even if the devil gave me all the wealth in the world, I wouldn't sell him.
November is coming soon.
At night, I had the courage to speak to him for the first time, and the courage I had accumulated for a long time finally broke through my throat. I asked him what sports he likes.
I used to like playing basketball, but now I only enjoy playing games.
Then I said I like badminton and painting. I asked him again who his favorite singer is?
He said he likes things like Jay Chou. I said I like listening to English, such as Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift.
He suddenly sang me a piece of Liu Ruoying's' Later '.
Later on, I finally understood what love is, but you had already disappeared into the sea of people... that boy fell in love with that girl
My heart doesn't know what happened, the phrase 'that boy loves that girl' was like a fine needle, piercing through my fantasy bubble.
Although he doesn't sing well and even goes off key, I like his Northeastern accent. To this day, whenever I hear a Northeastern accent, I think of him. Like some incurable heart disease.
You sing very well, let me draw a sketch for you
I took a pencil and draft paper, and quickly outlined his outline on the paper under the light of the desk lamp.
He praised me for drawing quickly and beautifully, but he didn't accept that painting.
That night. My mind is filled with lyrics by Lady Gaga. Remembering from 'I Never Love Again':
Don't wanna feel another touch
I don't want to feel the touch of others anymore
Don't wanna start another fire
Will not ignite another flame of love
Don't wanna know another kiss
You don't need to know what it feels like to be kissed by others
No other name falling of my lips
Don't let anyone else's name come out of your mouth
...
When we first me, I never thought that I will fall
When I first saw you, I never thought I would fall for you
One day, I was mopping the floor in the hospital's reading room. From a distance, I saw a familiar figure sitting by the window, looking down at some information.
I saw him from a distance, staring at his background. The afternoon sun shone through the window, casting a soft golden border on him.
My thoughts returned to the spring of the first day when all things revived.
The junior high school dormitory in the township had four people sleeping on one bed, with two people sleeping on each bunk. At that time, the boy who sat next to me was very mischievous.
We sleep on the lower bunk, but he often climbs onto the upper bunk and plays with other classmates.
Once he climbed onto the upper bunk wearing only his underwear. I was lying on the lower bunk, and I could see the scene inside his underwear at a glance. At that time, my face turned red like a red apple.
And on weekends, he would invite me to drive around to play, whistling me through fields and streets. I would copy his homework and help him improve his English grades, but it didn't have much effect.
We slept for a total of one year. When it came to parting ways with him, I was reluctant to part, not even to say goodbye to my most respected mentor after graduating from elementary school.
At that time, I wasn't sure if it was same-sex affection, I just thought it was just an ordinary friendship.
Until my sophomore year, I was exposed to relevant LGBT knowledge. I began to doubt myself, and my traditional worldview and values began to collapse. I come from a very backward rural family in Guangxi, and the three words' homosexuality 'are like a raging beast, enough to bring shame to the entire family. At that time, I spent almost every day in self doubt.
Even worse, I was attending the best high school in the county at that time. The study pressure is very high, there are no weekends, and I have to pay for extra classes on weekends.
Accompanied by severe anxiety and depression, every day when I wake up from my dreams, I start pretending to be crazy and foolish. I feel immense mental pressure and have nowhere to vent it. Sometimes I can't control myself and make strange noises or actions. My roommates look at me with confusion and detachment.
During the college entrance examination, I accidentally stepped on moss and fell while trying to escape from the demon I had imagined. My whole butt turned blue and I was restless in the exam room.
As for me, I got an unsatisfactory score on the exam. But at that time, I had to go to expensive private high schools to repeat my studies. I didn't want to go, and my parents didn't have to pay for this expensive tuition. In order to pursue my ideal medical major, I can only choose one specialty. But I am not the kind of lazy or stupid person.
After I woke up from my memories, he was no longer there.
At 12 p.m., hungry, I slipped to the only Luosifen store near the hospital where the light was still on. After eating the hot and spicy noodle soup, my body warmed up a bit. Looking up, I caught a glimpse of some windows in the inpatient building with lights on. I sneaked in by chance.
The inpatient department was silent. The door of the lounge was half closed, and I pushed it open to find my roommate sleeping on the bed in the lounge.
This also explains why he had a situation of staying out at night before, maybe because he worked overtime too late and was also very tired, so he slept directly in the lounge.
I tiptoed into him,
Because it was December and the weather was quite cold.
He was not covered with a blanket, only wearing a thick down jacket. I took off the coat I was wearing and carefully draped it over him. I slept with him all night on the hard sofa next to me.
In the dim light, guarding his even breathing.
Cold invades my body, but a warm current surges in my heart.
As if the protection of this moment is the moment when I have him the most.
On the second day, I woke up earlier than him, put back my coat... pretended to have just come to work, and walked into the lounge again with a mop.
He woke up, sat up with sleepy eyes, and when he saw me, he mumbled vaguely, "You're here so early..." His tone was as ordinary as talking about the weather, and I responded vaguely.
The days are slowly sliding towards winter, and the wind in December is blowing hard.
One afternoon, the inpatient department was busy as usual. While I was sorting out expired medication lists at the nurse station, I suddenly heard a commotion in the adjacent ward with the sound of something falling to the ground.
Two nurses pushed open the ward door and saw their roommate leaning against the treatment cart, with a face as white as if it had been smeared with milk, and beads of sweat streaming down their forehead.
What's wrong? "I rushed over, my heart pounding.
He was placed on a small bed in the duty room when the doctor came to measure his blood pressure, which was frighteningly low. It's a sudden anemia, we need a blood transfusion as soon as possible, for AB type.
AB type? "The old nurse next to her changed her face and said, 'I just ran out of stock this morning, and there's no inventory now.'
Watching him gasp for breath, his lips devoid of any color. My mind buzzed, I am AB type.
I... I am AB type! "My throat tightened when I said this.
The doctor stared at me.
I nodded vigorously, my palms sweaty.
How much do you want
The blood needle pierced into the arm, causing a slight stabbing pain. I watched the dark red blood flow down the tube into the bag, 200 milliliters, feeling a bit dizzy, but when I saw my blood enter his body, I was very clear headed: my blood flowed through his veins
The head nurse came over and thanked me very much. She asked my name and said I needed to register, and there might be some nutrition fees involved. I shook my head and said, 'Please don't register, and don't tell him it's me who donated blood.'
The head nurse was a bit stunned, looked at me twice, and nodded.
He woke up a few hours later. My complexion is still poor, but there is a sense of vitality in my eyes. I was watching him from the side, and he asked in a hoarse voice, 'What's wrong with me?'
Anemia, I'm dizzy, "I replied with my head down.
**Oh... "His voice was hoarse," Thank you for taking care of me
Then he leaned against the bedside and looked at the bag of blood that was almost finished, whispering softly, "Whose blood is it
I told him it was blood from the blood bank.
In January, the Spring Festival is approaching. I received a notice from our school stating that I have an opportunity to transfer to an internship. I was very hesitant at the time, should I stay in the hospital for another 4 or 5 months, or should I look for other paid jobs?
Perhaps at this moment, as long as that boy's casual words of goodwill towards me, I will choose to stay here. But then I thought that we never added each other as friends from beginning to end, only had a common dormitory group, so I was wondering if it was still necessary to stay here.
I remember a line from the Japanese animated movie "Summer of the River Boy", which roughly says that if you want to leave someone, you must leave as soon as possible, otherwise you will be reluctant to part with them after spending too much time together.
Leaving now, my heart is already in such pain. If I stay any longer, I will only sink deeper and eventually be completely devoured.
I originally had another reason to stay here, which was to learn some medical skills, but currently it seems impossible. The hospital only wants to exploit me as a free labor force, and even the teacher has not arranged one for me.
I arrived at the lakeside of People's Park early in the day. I grabbed a handful of stones and threw them into the lake one by one. The ripples swirled in circles, but my heart slowly sank. He likes me, doesn't like me... until the last stone in his hand is thrown out,
"He doesn't like me.
Although everything is already predetermined, I just have the courage to face it.
I cried there for a long time before returning to the dormitory, and when I opened the door, I saw him playing computer games with thick headphones on. I stood in front of him and said something in a moderate voice
I like you.
He showed no response, and the headphones isolated everything. As expected, if he doesn't wear headphones, this sentence will always rot in his stomach.
That's good.
Two days before the Spring Festival holiday.
I tossed and turned all night, my bones aching from the wooden planks.
I've figured it out. I want to go home, I want to earn money, I want to stay by my parents' side and take care of them, and I plan not to come back after I go home. But I feel very uncomfortable in my heart.
I went to the inpatient department as usual that day, and when I finished work in the afternoon, I knocked on the door of the medical department. This time, the head of the department respected my choice very much because I have indeed done a lot for the hospital.
Next, I immediately contacted my uncle and asked him to come and pick me up by car because I have a lot of luggage.
The next day, I didn't go to work and stayed in the dormitory waiting for my uncle. At noon, my roommate touched the back of my head and said to me, "My hair has grown long, and the barber shop is too expensive. Do you know where to get a cheap haircut. I took him to a hair cutting stall, and he had his hair cut very short, just like when he first arrived, with a green scalp visible.
I told him that I wouldn't come to this hospital after the Spring Festival because I had found another job.
He didn't say anything, he just thought it might be because the hospital salary was relatively low. He sympathized with me and said that he couldn't find a good job in Harbin himself, with the unique straightforwardness of Northeasterners.
We walked back to the dormitory in silence. I was not far behind him, watching the hand that naturally swayed with his steps.
The sunlight shines on it, and the fingers are slender.
A strong impulse surged up, driving me to reach out and grab it - even if it was only for a second
But it caught a gap
In the afternoon, my uncle came over. As I was moving my luggage out of the dormitory, I turned around step by step, reluctant to part with this dormitory full of his memories. The small table we squeezed through, the uncomfortable wooden board I slept on for half a year, the bed he slept on, the corner where garbage was piled up, every inch of air
I love him, a humble and selfish one-sided love.
He doesn't love me, not even for a second.
I didn't cry that day, I was unusually firm, maybe I've gotten used to the feeling of love being rejected.
home-coming. In the past six months, without medical insurance or social security, I haven't received a penny, like a ghost wandering outside the social security system. At this moment, I just want to plunge into my own little bed, which may be old but truly belongs to me, close the curtains, isolate the whole world, and prepare for a long, long sleep,
I dreamed of our small RV again. We went to the most terrifying Fujikyu haunted house in Japan. He was so scared that he threw himself into my arms. To the beautiful ancient city of the Old Town of Lijiang, we walked in the picture scroll of the small bridge, flowing water and people's houses. We watched the setting sun on the slope of a very high dam. The setting sun melted gold, which dyed the skyline red and his side face red.
He gently rested his head on my shoulder, breathed evenly, and fell asleep.
The world quieted down, with only the sound of each other's heartbeats. The afterglow of the sunset enveloped us, and everything was warm beyond words.