The night was calm and cold. It was darker than most nights. No stars. No moon. No light. Just empty darkness. It engulfed everything. It was bleak and deprived. I was lost in it. Everything around me was calm. It was silent. Only my heart was raging along with the sound of my footsteps resonating with my inner thoughts. I was confused.
Why?
That question kept ringing in my head.
Where did it go wrong?
I didn't know
All of my questions were unanswered. I had no one by me to explain what was happening. I despaired, devoid of any hope of being lifted from this pain. It was all my fault.
I didn't care about anything else left in this world. My heart was torn apart. I had no reason to continue but my feet kept walking, trudging along the pavement of the desolate street. I was stranded. Nothing was visible. My destination was clear. I was truly alone. I felt scared and desperate.
I was always desperate for attention but at a certain point, I wished everything would vanish away, leaving me alone. It did happen. Why is it that when you finally get what you wanted you always feel empty? What was all of it for? Why does it hurt so much?
I trembled. My knees were weak. I didn't know how long I was walking or how long it had been since I had last eaten. But that didn't matter. I was too exhausted to think about it.
My thoughts swirled around in circles, always landing in the same spot.
'I've lost trust...'
Katherine. The most beautiful thing that happened in my life.
Why did I leave your side then?
If only I had said 'Don't worry I'll always be there for you', things would be different now.
Why didn't I understand it then?
When you said that you wanted to be left alone, it meant that you needed someone by your side.
I was dumb and scared
I could never bring myself to say those words. Those three dreadful words would've changed everything. It was all over now.
A war was being waged between my emotions. I was going insane.
Die!
Yes! It was the easy way out. I should die and be relieved from this pain. I laughed at myself. There was no one left who would cry over my corpse. What was the use of being friendly and understanding? In the end, everyone just step on you, undermine you, use you and move on.
Even in my last moments, my thoughts are filled with her memories.
Her sweet voice, her gentle smile which made my heart flutter, her beautiful brown hair, her piercing hazel eyes which glittered, her short stature and cute antics. Everything about her was beautiful.
It's funny because I didn't even like her at first. As time flew by, I became conscious of her. My feeling changed. Everytime I saw her, my heart fluttered. It was weird feeling for me. It was the first time I felt that way. It was a beautiful feeling.
I wanted to stay forever by her side but now she had departed and I shall follow her soon.
I remembered everything vividly. The most beautiful period of my life. All my worries and sorrows were washed away in her presence.
She was my light. She entered my dull world and coloured every single corner of it, only to dye it grey herself. She was my world. She turned it upside down leaving me in this mess all alone.
I felt frustrated when I saw those tears in her eyes. I felt powerless, unable to do anything. I was angry at myself.
If only I had rushed first!
If only I had never let her go!
Regrets filled my heart. Regrets which were not amendable. I was a fool back then. I didn't think that I would lose her. I was scared. Now all I can do is regret.
'Life is not fair'. That is a common saying. Life was never fair in my case. All the things that I loved would definitely leave me. I was scared to love. I was scared of being loved.
I was alone for most parts of my life but now I felt lonely. Loneliness was terrifying. I had no one in whom I could confide. No shoulder to cry on. If she was still here, then I would've had someone to share my sorrows with. She was my everything. She took away everything with her leaving me with nothing but misery.
Maybe I deserved this. I was never meant to be loved or feel loved. I was delusional. I saw attention as love. My desperation for love has put me here.
I keep realising everything very late. Things were always simple. The answer was always in front of me. If only I hadn't existed, everyone would've been happy.
Her voice fills my head and makes me lose sleep. She was my first love.
People say cope with the loss and move on. The pain will eventually fade away. Forget about it. It is easier said than done. I didn't want to move on. I don't want to forget her. She was my only love.
My heart shrunk in sadness. Snow started dropping from the sky.
Oh! It was winter already.
Tears did not flow from my eyes. I didn't want anyone to see or hear me cry. I felt insecure.
Why did I feel insecure and embarassed when she tried to get close to me? Why did I hide my emotions?
It was all my fault.
Sorrow, misery, anguish, what word would best describe what I was going through.
Denial
Yes that's the word. The temperature was dropping and I was shivering.
My vision was blanking, my limbs numb.
I remember her eyes. Those eyes which looked at me, pleading for me to do something.
How did I ignore those eyes?
Pathetic! I shouldn't even be allowed to think of her.
My shrunken heart was weeping and I was drowning in the sea of my own emotions.
Pant! Pant! Pant!
I was breathing heavily. I was zoned out. I couldn't see anything or hear anything clearly. I was dazed. I saw light. I had reached the end of the road. I reached for the light.
Thud!
Ah! What's happening?
I could see only red around me. The snow turned red and the snow falling on me covered me as a blanket. The skies were weeping for me.
The death I had hoped for had come. But it was just cold and lonely. Everything slowed down. My vision was fading. I remembered the day I first met her.
My life flashed before me, taking me back to the place where it all began