-Thursday, 09 January, 2024.
"Victor I'm sleeping shut the fuck up." I say mumbling, my hand bearly gripping the phone, I'm so drowsy I might faint, what is his problem? I told him we'd talk in details tomorrow.
"It's 5 pm in the evening Sam."
In my defense, evening naps are very necessary.
"I wouldn't have called if it wasn't urgent." He said.
"Yeah speak up." I sluggishly walk to Ayat's bathroom to wash myself up.
"Remember the officers who showed out of nowhere, and arrested the boy Mr Faisal sent to Sally's."
"Yeah?" I walk outside, in Ayat's little balcony, out of her hearing reach. She's downstairs but just to be sure.
"Turns out Mr Faisal's concerns were correct. So forwarding, Mr Faisal sent some of our members to intercept what new settlements for Faisal and our hub were being held in stations. And they found something, far decapitated."
"What did they find?" My knuckles whitens.
"Sam an operation is in during against us. Two undercover dectectives have been searching and keeping a close eye on us for the past three and a half months."
"What? How did you- who are they sure?" My heart rate dropped a mile down.
For four months?
"They are sure."
"But there is no particular proof on us, it always has been like that which is why our service is still on going."
"We don't leave any proof behind, but if they've been onto us for almost four months now they might've gotten a lead."
"To get a lead, they must first know someone who works for him, isn't that right?"
"Yes, its not hidden what Mr Faisal does, all the political authorises know, all they do is to find a hint of proof to drag us in court."
"But our identities are unknown."
"Yes that is why we think it has to do something with Ifan."
"Why Ifan?"
"Because all these years, all the members who once sign in for Mr Faisal take an oath to die there till as long. Ifan was the first to leave town and live in the upper city where none of us go, of course that had to happen some day. We think they got to him, and through him to us."
"That could be correct but-"
"Listen carefully Sam." Victor is conscious. "Anything you know can help. Do you suspect anyone? Someone you didn't know before shifting, anyone who has gotten close to you in the past few months, it can be anyone."
"I don't know." I'm sweating.
"Sam you have to pay focus around you."
Someone who got close to us in the past four months?
"Do you happen to know anything?"
Who is hunting us?
"Sam are you still there?"
"I uhm I ate some bad fish last night, I'll be back."
"Why would you? You hate sea food, how stupid." He scoffs.
"Yeah shut up dad" I hang up.
I close my phone. Who could it be, we rarely meet with people. Someone who has been among us all along. Who has gotten involved in us in the past four months? A complete stranger parhaps.
"Sam! Are you up" Ayat yells from downstairs.
"Yes baby!" I yell.
"Is Faiza coming with Ifan for dinner?" Ayat asks.
Oddly my eyebrows get pulled down in curiosity.
Faiza..
"Who did you bring with you?"
"I met her last night."
"You met her once and decided to bring her here?"
A complete stranger..
No, I'm overthinking. I blink to get myself out of that thought.
"Ah I'm sorry, I didn't see it, my hand spilled."
In little to no time she moved where Ifan was shifting.
How did she know..
A suddan coincidence?
Or what if it wasn't a coincidence..
What if—She already knew he was going to be there.
Wait..
My body suddanly starts shaking.
All those random questions out of nowhere, we answered laughingly.
We sat there, unknowingly.
No.
No
God no.
Fuck-
Faiza!?
Oh no, no, no—It can't fucking be.
She made such an entrance and appearance in our lives in such little to no time, got close to all three of us, all this isn't because she was interested in Ifan but because she was interested in arresting him?!
Fuck—I'm going puke. I'm literally actually legitimately going to puke.
Goddammit.
Goddamn you universe.
I– I uhm I have to get to Ifan, tell him everything. I can't think straight. Uh uhm I'm shaking.
Goddammit! it'll ruin him—I slam my hand against the wall. God why always us?!
"What's wrong Sam?" Ayat walked behind me, she's in my shirt.
Precious.
I wish I could tell you everything sweetheart.
"I'll be back."
"You look sick."
"Ayat I'll be back." I say, she stayed where she's standing.
"Be back." Her smile is tinged with sadness, almost as if she can feel me.
Be back..
let's hope we all get back.
I get my car out of her garage while being on the verge of breaking, for Ifan. How would I gather the courage to tell him that.
Once again, we're weak to begin with.
Curse you universe. You've gone too far.
- 6:30 pm
I stayed outside his apartment door for half an hour. I couldn't help myself get inside. Its torture, it'll ruin him forever. He sees Faiza as someone who's his path, his hope in life. How can I take that hope away from him? Its like everything I went through with my father is coming up again, and I'm throwing it all on Ifan. It's all my fault. I should've never involved him in. Deep sighs in Sam. He'll get through this, he's strong enough to bear Faiza being a fucking down the barrel betraying bitch.
With that, I with my shivering fingers, rang the bell. After a minute or so, he opened the door.
"Oh good you're here. I wanted to tell you something!"
He looks so happy.
So fresh.
I cannot do this.
God I'm dying inside.
"Ifan I'm here to tell you something as well." My throat shivered in disgust.
"Mine first please. I've been panicking about this for an hour now."
"Sure." I hide my quivering hands in my jacket's pocket.
"Okay so." He sighed, taking up space. I sat beside him down on his couch, the window's curtains are widely opened, and the sun is directly roaming all over us. He never likes his curtains that way, why the suddan change?
"I'm so nervous bro." His cheeks flushes. "I'm going to tell Faiza that I love her today."
He released a sigh so narrow. My hands immediately clenched into a fist.
"Wow that took so much of me." He nervously laugh.
No God. Please don't do this to us. I wish I could change the way destiny work for you, but I can't, I'm so very sorry Ifan.
"Well? Say something?" He waves his hand to gather my attention.
"Don't do it." I rushed my words.
"Why not?" His laugh turned a bit caught up.
"Ifan I don't know how to tell you this." I rub my face with my hand.
"Tell me what?"
"Ifan buddy." I sigh, I'm turning pale.
"Sam you're scaring me. What's going on?"
"Ifan, Faiza isn't who we thought she was." I stood up after placing my statement.
"Wha–what? What do you mean?" He also stands up.
"I mean, she isn't someone who we can trust."
"What are you even saying? She's my girlfriend, of course we can trust her."
"I don't know how to tell you this Ifan." I say.
"What is it?"
"Ifan." I take a deep breath in. "We think there's an undercover operation being held against us."
"What?"
"Yes."
"What does that has to do anything with Faiza? Besides, these kinds of operation happen all the time around us, you're sneaky, don't stress about it."
He's being cool about it.
We both know what I'm going to say next, but denial is real, and it's hurtful, deep and never cleared.
"But this time it's different, we think there's a mole amongst us."
"You mean among you guys back at mansion?"
He's being defensive. His heart knows what I'm implying here. The way he gulps a lump down his throat as his pent-up gasps come out ragged, he definitely is putting it all together, piece by piece. And it's ruining him, all the way through, inside out, its running him.
"No Ifan. here, in Silvan's haven. "
"None of your members live here."
"You do."
"I'm not a member anymore."
Denial denial denial.
"Ifan.."
"Sam I don't have time for this, stay safe-" He was about to walk out when it hit me and I said what I said.
"We think Faiza is onto us."
"What?" He bursts out laughing but I can tell by looking in his eyes, his heart just dropped like a ground in. "Is this a joke or something? If so, its so hilarious." He laughed.
"Ifan I'm being serious, we think Faiza's been onto us for a long time."
"Oh my God-" He gasped. The hurtful realisation in his gaze makes me want to throw up but I must stand strong for him.
"I know–"
"You always had a problem with me living here!"
Excuse me what?
Denial.
Denial
Denial.
"You're making reasons to ruin it." His laughter got cut out, and all his voice is left with is void, blank meaningless words.
"What!? no!?"
"You don't think Faiza can be attracted to me? You just had to prove that- all that interest she's shown in me isn't because I can be a good person to interact with but because she's taking advantage of me?" He's disgusted with me.
"I didn't mean it that way"
"Then what do you mean exactly?"
"Calm down."
"Don't fucking tell me to calm down!" He knocks the glass over, shattering it down on the floor.
"Don't hurt yourself." I try to make him sit again.
"Sam your words are making me hate you. Don't fucking do this to me, you know I can't bear it!"
"Think about it with a clear mind." I'm trying to be calm.
"I've never been clearer in my life- I want her, and that's all that I hear, that's all I'll ever hear, if you're done making your point, you can leave."
"Ifan you got to listen to me please."
Everything's building panic and terror, and nothing else. We should think calmly and sort it all out.
"You seriously can't be telling me that the person most meaningful to me isn't the person who she has been for the past four months. It was never her? Do you get how awful that sounds? That means, the person I've been around the past hundred something days, has been using me, getting me in bed, and all was just an excuse to get something out of me? Do you even hear yourself? What does that make me? A worthless, useless, pathetic as fuck human who shouldn't be breathing?" Ifan's voice is filled with disturbance.
"I know Ifan how you feel, I felt the same when I discovered about my Father." I take a step closer to him.
"Your father's been dead for years, don't you ever compare him to my Faiza."
What?
"I'm trying to empathise with you." I bit back a sharp retort.
"I Don't need your fucking pity Sam! I know what I'm doing with my life, I know the people I surround myself with, you don't need to play my dad for fuck's sake!" He clenches his fists, he's lashing out.
"We have a hunch, but it can be false, we will get into it more." I keep my calm, though its getting hard to keep up with him.
"It is not true. I know her better than you, I know she would never hurt me like that, I know that deep down in my heart, you're just fucking upset you couldn't get the life I did." His voice is full of irony and pettiness.
"Ifan you're kidding right?"
He says nothing.
I don't need his life.
I'm better off as I am.
"Oh my God, that's how your mind works? Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing here when you're clearly not even listening. Fuck you." I'm trying so hard to keep my cool, but what Faiza did or what she has been doing is not on me. Its not my fault. He can't get mad at me for telling him the truth, that's just shitty.
"Don't come at me for saying something offensive when all you've ever done is to offend me." He raised his voice.
"When have I ever offend you?"
"Go apply your maniac theory on someone else, Faiza is not the person you're looking for."
"Ifan-"
"I said no."
"But she is though-" I didn't mean to yell but that's the only way he'll listen.
"We sent our men around you to search, we know it for sure."
"Around me?" He released a pent-up harsh chuckle and before he knew he's shouting. "Oh my fucking God!? you couldn't keep me away from your shit even after I told you I wanted to do nothing with the crap you guys go through!?"
"Ifan! IT'S happening because OF you! we're under prime eye of investigation because of you!" My voice menacing.
"Because of me!?" His eyes drooped, as if weighed down by crushed expectations.
"No former member has ever lived in the city after signing their lives to us. BUT YOU did, which led them to us!"
"Don't give me that shit Sam, the work you do had it's consequences, it had to fall apart one day or another."
"Accept it!" My veins tightens, throbbing to stay legit. "Your thurst to start a brand new life led us all to drown. I know you don't care much about our people but I do." Because as much as I hate to admit it- He is the reason we're caught.
"What proof you've got?"
"We will all drown if you don't start suspecting Faiza."
"I'd rather die." The scowl he had on his face deepens.
"You have to!"
"Look Sam I'm sorry you had to bleed for your father's actions-"
"Why the fuck is my father coming in this conversation!?"
"Because that's what YOU'RE projecting ON ME!"
"This! Wow yeah fucking this!" I applause in disgust and pity. "I was waiting for you to show me your true colours buddy."
"You know what Sam? Keep your personal issues to yourself, don't involve me in your mess. I left months ago, so now- whether police shows up to you, or the whole political gang, I don't give a bloody damn."
"You must! Because if we're going down, we're dragging you with us!" I yell.
"Then I guess, we'll see that in court." His eyes are blazing in fury, it's getting hard to recognise him, who is he?
"You're disgusting Ifan."
"Criticism coming from you is stupid when you're the one who keeps showing up Infornt of me with your chin lift high, telling me how or how I shouldn't live my life." He pushes me back.
"Don't do this Ifan." I say.
"Don't pour the fucked up mess you went through for your father on us. Faiza is nothing like him!"
"You need to shut the fuck up Ifan!" I yell.
"I'm the one who needs to shut up!? Fuck your father let's talk about Faisal, can't you see!? He's borderline!" He pushes me.
"Ifan shut up!" I'm warning him.
"And your father! HE was a fucking brute!"
"IFAN" I punch him without thinking anything else, His feet collided back. He takes a minute to regain his posture while my heart is pounding. He spits blood, wiping his lip. "Oh, you're such a piece of shit Sam. Now it hurts?" He lifts his chin up as he chuckles in pain, he turns back to me. We're standing facing each other, our eyes locked in a broken stare, everything feels thick with unspoken words. "Tell me Sam- do you enjoy hurting people?"
"I don't." My tone's gotten rough.
"You'll kill anyone who comes in your way. Won't you?"
"I'll kill you If you don't shut up!"
"What Like you killed Jawad?"
What—
There's a pause of any sound, a sudden high-pitched whine pierced my eardrums, refusing to fade.
I blink to see, I'm still here.
My mind spiraled into chaos. Paralysing my thoughts. I regain my attention.
He's not the Ifan I became brothers with.
"Don't call out my Father when you've been living in as much delusion as I have all this time." I ignore what he had just said. About Jawad because I cannot relive that- I do not fucking have the strength to.
"Accept it!" I yell.
"It's all your fault Sam! I told you, day after day that we shouldn't get into this all hub scene but because of your selfish reasons, you dragged me with you, used me to get in there, and now that I'm apart of that dirt world, I somehow end up getting messed up for no absolute reason! What was my fault Sam? Was I the one who hurt your mother? No, then why did you have to pour the name of being a criminal on me! if you haven't had done that, I could've found Faiza in another way!"
"You're seriously fucking regretting, staying by my side?"
I'm shocked.
"Because now I'm ruined!"
"Don't you think I'm ruined as well? How—when did you get so fucking self absorbed? You're regretting life with me for a Goddamn bitch who caused all of this? Well accept it or not! FAIZA is a backstabber! who's using you! I was wondering why it took us this long to understand- how can anyBODY love you! When you're so unworthy of LOVE!" I yell.
"Shut UP!" He threw a punch up my chin, I got caught off guard, stumbled backward as my fist rushed with his jaw. His eyes watered, but he quickly regained his footing. "Faiza didn't cause this! Your dick father did! You don't get to take this away from me!"
"You really think I'm saying all of this because I want you to suffer?"
Well maybe now I am.
We're both penting. My nose bleeds, and his fist drips blood.
"I don't know- I don't know who to trust nowadays."
"But you're trusting a backstabbing manipulative police fucker over me!?"
"YOU CHOSE fuckers WAY before me!" He charged at me, tackling me to the ground, rolling around on the floor as we exchanged blows. Ifan's elbow strikes my stomach, but I quickly retaliated with a solid punch to his chest. "Your messed up Father led you to think everything is fucking conspiracies! You used me to get into Faisal's pants, you never loved me as a brother! You got into my house to bloody use me!" We spilled out into Ifan's corridor, crashing through the furniture.
"You're just saying this because you had nothing to lose after your parents died."
"I have you"
"When.. if by some reason you lose me, would you say the same thing?"
My foot connected with his chin, sending him hopping around on one foot. Ifan's face twisted in pain, but he refused to back down. "I know the pain of being betrayed WHICH IS why I'm trying to help you with this." I shout.
"It's a shame you wasted your entire life on someone who didn't gave one fuck about you!" He looks surprised at his own words. My throat is tight with all the tears I'm trying so hard to hold in.
"But I'm not losing you"
"I hope it stays that way."
"We're eighteen, we have our whole life ahead of us. We can never be sure of something we haven't lived."
"Keep your pity logic to YOURSELF!" I with a fierce cry, launched himself at him tackling him to the ground. We rolled around, struggling for dominance.
"I would rather lose myself, than to let you go"
We both try to stand on our weakened legs.
"I never thought I'd hear you say these." I say.
"I told you. Life takes unpredictable turns, me too Sam. I never thought I'd see my best friend jealous of me." He swallows hard, struggling to contain his anger.
"Jealous?" I release a pitiful chuckle. "Jealous of you? What do you have exactly? Besides a woman who most likely isn't even true with you."
"Keep Living in dreams." He says.
"Which one of us?" My nose drips blood.
"For the first time- watching you bleed isn't hurting me." Ifan stiffens.
"Well I guess, that makes two of us." I hate him, to my core.
"It's a pity you can't see how Faisal is ruining you."
"Pity is all I have." I say. "But I will warn you- don't get too close with Faiza."
"Now it seems like I shouldn't get too close with my best friend either."
I stare him in the eyes. "What best friend?"
He stares at me with nothing else but pain filling in his eyes.
"May God help you." He's pitying me.
I chuckle.
"I was never religious to begin with."
I walk away from him.
I'm sobbing inside- yet my whole facial muscles aren't giving a single expression out loud.
Everything's done. All I feel is lack of emotional integrity. What's left is for me to murder now. If I'm being called a murderer, what's there to not do anymore anyway except to murder the one who made me come out this way, the one who ruined me. If police really is onto us, might as well kill the person now or I never will get the chance, might as well give those officers more the stronger reasons to arrest me, might as well go behind bars with pride lifting me up.
Victor has answers-
So Here I come ma-
Your blood won't go to waste..
I text victor. "I'm on my way"
I won't let it go to waste.