- 4:30 pm
I'm currently on my way to the location Victor sent me an hour ago, he's here in Silvan's haven. I don't know where my life will lead me now after knowing whatever Victor will display infront of me will be either the end of me or the end of this fucking nightmare.
It's officially over with Ifan. Fifteen years of brotherhood, ended in a month. He did it, a part of me too. But more him than me.
I don't care anymore. Fuck him. I won't lie, suspecting Faiza hurt me, too. Quite more than I expected. So I hope its not true. Because if it is, it won't only ruin Ifan but my Ayat as well. She loves her, more than she should, but she does.
I bearly park my car properly, I try to take out the car keys, but frustration took over my sleeves and it got stuck. "Damnit!" I slam my hands on the staring wheel. "Motherfucker!" I'm snatching the keys out but my shaky hands are making it way too difficult for me. So I leave it in, and slam open the door, shutting it with my foot. Deep sighs in Sam. Whatever he has for you, will be enough. But what if it's another hint and I'm forever trapped in curiosities. What if all I'll ever have will be the gut to kill and not the killer in my hands. Is that how my life will forever look? If so? Did I lose the only family I have for nothing? I think I'll regret this decision forever, but not burying that person will also haunt me forever. I'm in no other way position. It's either that or this, and both those decisions is killing me alive.
The scars won't stop bleeding till or until I stand above their grave, with a sly grin on my face. Looking up at the sky, with a proud smile, saying that I did it ma, I did baba. But at what cost? A soul? That I killed a soul, that I have splashes of blood stain on my shirt, that aren't removing. I think I'll be able to live with that, as long as my selfish need is appealing me. I think I'll be okay. But far far away from Ifan and Ayat. I don't deserve them. Not because I'm different than them, but because they have their judgement fixed. Thus, I'll forever remain alone in this lifetime till the end. Till I take my last breath, that may occur now or tomorrow when I leave with a packed weaponry vast, and heart packed with pain.
"VICTOR!" I shout, walking inside an old, abandoned, under construction building. What is he doing here? What is this place?
"Where are you!?" I yell again. My moblie start buzzing. "Hello?"
"I'm upstairs."
"Upstairs where? It's all under construction?"
"There's a sement stair case around you. I can see where you're standing." He says. I look up and I can see him too, sitting on a wooden table.
I hang up the call, and I step upstairs. "So" I take the last step, my sleeves get scratched by dry dusty dirt, from all around these walls. "Speak up." I wipe dust off of my shoulders.
"Sit down." He's calm as always.
"Sit where down exactly?" I raise my brows.
"You're angry. Seems like you went to Ifan first. The talk didn't go well with Ifan?"
"How would you know I met Ifan?"
That's suspicious.
"Because you're always that fussy whenever Ifan gives you harsh reality check."
"That my friend is none of your business, tell me what you're here for." I pull a stool, to sit on.
"You called me."
"You said you'd tell me everything, from the start." I say.
"I did."
"How exactly do you know everything? Let's start by that." I ask, my elbows resting on my knees.
"I've been here since I was born. I've been with Sarfaraz and Faisal all my life. I saw that man die."
My jaw clenched, but I managed my cool.
"Why didn't you tell me anything before hiring me?"
"Sam you hated me. From the beginning." He says.
Which is true.
"I will display everything on your palms, bet is, you won't interrupt me thoroughly my confession–"
"Your confession? What did you do?!" I slowly realise I'm already interrupting.
"Sam. I am not going to cooperate with you, if you'll keep doing this."
"Okay! Okay! I won't dad!" I roll my eyes, groaning. "Jeez" I sigh.
"First I want you to understand, it is hard for me, too."
I nod.
"You're a smart kid."
"Don't fucking lie now. I know you don't feel that way for me." I clasp my hands behind my head. "And please don't act like a big brother or something, you're not much older than I am. " I say. He's only eight years older than me.
"Whatever thought suits you." He says.
I roll my eyes.
"Sam. Just so you know," He sighs. "I never wanted to hate you."
I just blink.
"My plan was to never unfold the truth of your past. But after you tortured and humiliated me. I thought to myself, why not tell him every thing now. Why not remove the blinds from your eyes. You don't care about me anyway." He says.
"You enjoy seeing me in pain?" I place a sarcastic comment.
"Partly? Yes. Always? No."
It broke my heart, it's been a week since I literally tortured him. He's still calm with me? What he said, made my body cold. Was I the only one who hated him all my life?
"So what is this truth that'll hurt me, may I ask?" I ask.
"The truth is—Faisal made me hate you."
"You're lying." For some odd reason me telling him that it's all lie made his jaw clench in an abnormal way.
"Your father and Faisal were friends ever since high-school. They shared a bond, stronger than you and Ifan. What happend was horrific to Sarfaraz. But I was there, and I saw everything. Faisal may have told you ill things about Sarfaraz, some of them might be true, but no one is perfect. Faisal got into the whole hub environment just to take his Elham's place as a gesture of revenge and power that he wanted to hold over everyone after his Father's humiliation that spread around over the town, people spat on his Father, and Mr Yaman eventually abandoned his own son because he couldn't no longer stay here with this nonsense. The abandonment got to Faisal from a very young age, he couldn't bear it. Sarfaraz on the other hand belonged to a healthy family which Faisal envied forever." Victor sighs. "Faisal's bipolar, he does things even he didn't plan on doing. So—He killed Sarfaraz's parents at the age of Twenty four."
My posture immediately leans opposingly, as my hands clench, and my shoulders roll forward tensely.
My grandparents?!
"Are you hearing the words coming out of your mouth!?" The rudeness of my tone makes him smile for freakishly odd fucked up reason. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
"I would be lying If I say no."
"So you do hate me?"
"It's a pattern Sam."
"What the fuck?"
"Sarfaraz never knew about it. Only I knew. And I had to bear the burden of it alone as a six year old. I don't know who my parents were, all I know is my mother died from blood loss, or was killed, I'm not sure. But since Birth I was handed to our local people. The lady who called the cops on us is the woman who raised me up until ten years old. After that I got accepted in the mansion."
At ten years old?!
"What were you looking for in Ayat's house." I speak strictly, changing the subject.
"Something to blame you for."
Blame me for?
"For?" I ask, my voice anxious but stiff.
"To degrade you."
"To fucking degrade me?!" I raise my voice.
"To look good infront of Faisal."
I say nothing. Has he been seeking his validation this whole time and I've been a bone in between? Is this why he wanted to see me in pain?
"I was only ten years old when it all started—The abuse." He inhales. "He began to constantly verbally abuse me, whenever anything went wrong. It was always me who took everyone's blame for him. So that he can throw his frustration at me. I tolerated it all without a word because I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted him to call me family and that he was proud to have me." Victor's voice is full of pettiness, and—foolishness.
"What do you mean by everyone's blame?" I ask.
"The things he'd do." He replies.
I say nothing.
"But then you came, and everything changed. He changed. Always screaming at me—Victor do this, victor do that, Sam's very better than you, Sam's going take your place, you'll be left alone, Victor you're weak, you're weak Victor!" He starts hitting himself.
"Victor you're scaring me." I say panickingly. "I was ten and Faisal kept—hitting me.. you're weak, you're weak, one day someone will come and take your place, someone more powerful than you, more stronger than you, you'll be left alone, don't disappoint me victor or I'll switch you with Sam, he's better than you, faster, stronger, quick learner, smarter, wiser, you're weak, you're weak, you're weak." He bursts out yelling. Startling me, so I take a step back from him. He exhales deeply, calming himself, he ran a hand through his hair, sighing.
"You're weak, you're weak.. That's all he ever yelled on me, going to bed, brushing my teeth, that's all I thought of, think of, imagined of—somone coming out of no where taking my place, kicking me out and one day it happend.. my deepest darkest nightmare was coming to be true. You showed up! Oh you shouldn't have Sam, you shouldn't have. You ruined everything, you ruined my life, I hated you, I hate you, and I'll forever hate you, I can't tear my own heart so you did it for me." He sighs in frustration.
"What the hell are you saying Victor?" I ask.
He's obviously lying.
Mr Faisal would never, he adores him.
"Faisal killed my only friend Adam..." He starts laughing. "Who am I kidding!? I killed him myself with my own hands, I hit him with my car on purpose! Because I just had to please Faisal! I just had to please him, I wanted him to be happy with me, I wanted him to be proud of me so when he ordered me to kill Adam.. my only friend, my best friend, my brother! I killed him with my own naked hands! I DID! Because I wanted Faisal, only Faisal to be PLEASED WITH ME!" He shatters every window with his fist.
My heart starts to pound, and I immediately secure my gun. He's getting out of hands.
I never thought he'd have issues this severe. Is Mr Faisal really the cause of it?
I can't come to believe it.
All he's saying seems like a lie.
"He was never pleased with me.. he used and used and used me, till I could no longer be used, he sucked the soul out of me and here I am soulless, hallow like person."
"I don't know how to believe you Vic, you're making it difficult for me. Why are you telling me this? What does all of this have to do anything with my father?" I ask.
"I'm getting to it sammy." He takes a step closer to me, and I take a step back.
He's scaring me for fuck's sake. He's calm again.
"So apparently, the picture perfect bipolar, borderline Mr Faisal told you the wrong story." He walks around me, unbuttoning his cufflinks to roll up his sleeves. Every movement of his body is screaming danger.
"What? What are you talking about?" I ask, my voice high and anxious.
"I'm saying what is true."
"And what makes you think I'd take your word over his?" I turn my head back to him.
"I have proof, I've been with him before you were even born. I was there Sam—the night Sarfaraz and Faisal fought. I was there. I saw the whole brutal fucking scene."
"Why would Mr Faisal ever lie to me?" I ask rational questions because he's obviously not in the right state of mind.
"Because that's what he does—he lies. He's deceptive Sam. He kept you and me in his deceptivity for our whole lives. You and I are the same." He says.
"No we're not."
My heart is wreching—piece by piece.
"I knew you wouldn't believe my word— which is why I recorded Faisal when he admits it himself. I've been his right hand, I know everything Sam. The day you came with Ifan and your girlfriend. The day of your first task, the day you murdered Jawad. All those times, behind the scenes, Faisal and I talked and I have those conversations screened."
"Why would you screen them?"
"To tell you of course."
"So basically you're betraying Mr Faisal?" I ask, my feet trembling, my heart racing. I don't know what is happening. I'm so confused and s..scared.
"Still Mr you say? I think you are yet to see the truth."
"Fuck you Victor. Is this why you called me here? To speak ill of Mr Faisal and not get to the point? I'm here for my father's murderer Vic, not for your sob stories." I raise my voice, my gun still gripped in my fist.
"Talking about murder, Who do you think hired Jawad, Sam?
"I don't know—"
"Did Faisal ever tell you?"
I say nothing.
"Did he ever mentioned why he went rogue? For who? For what? Anything?"
I keep staring at him.
"Did he happen to send you every time it was about Jawad? Did he happen to stop you as soon as you were about to catch him? Why? Do you ever wonder? First he sends you to torture him? When you finally reach to stop him he calls you mid way telling you Jawad has nothing? How does Faisal know he's bluffing? Have you ever wondered?" Victor's voice is stiff, psychotic.
My heart feels like someone's squeezing it. My blood pressure is increasing, I stroke a nerve.
"I don't know." I say
"All this information and you still don't know who hired him? Think about it—no one has ever went roque like that, it's not possible to change your hub like that." He says.
My hands clenched into fists.
"It was indeed in fact Faisal all along."
A strike of shock runs over my head and I lose my balance, my knees get tilt a bit, but with forcing myself, I manage to stand still.
What the hell is he trying to do?
I.. I don't get it. I'm shaking, my entire body is shivering.
"He told you to not hesitate when killing him because he knew! he fucking paid Jawad to kill you. He knew you'd defend yourself and kill jawad, he wanted you to drown in blood, just how he did when he was your age!"
I manage to keep standing, even though the sickness is bending my back down and my spine glide.
No.
No please let it me a lie.
Please I'm begging you, let it be a lie.
"He gets satisfied when you're hurt. He sees you as Sarfaraz you fucking foolish Boy. He's bipolar, he takes his vengeance out on you. By hurting you!"
"You're lying. YOU'RE FUCKING LYING!" I screamed.
"Ask him yourself." He gestures calmly.
I gasp for air, whilst anger piles up inside me, making my shoulders blunt, and downward. My eyes rove back and forth, as I sweat, my hands are shaking, I'm gettinf dizzy, sick. I'm going to puke.
"He's only keeping you because he knows your power. He knows you're strong. Worth having. He sees you as a successful business item. He sees you as his networth. He's using you. He calls you son to use you. He did the same with me until I was in my twenties. Up untill you showed up. After you, he stopped giving me the treatment you get. As soon as someone more wiser than you shows up, he'll kick you aside just like he did with me. Don't lie you were getting attached. I was too. Oh Faisal, he's like my father, he cares about me. I'm his dominat hand. He's giving me power, he trusts me." He's mimicking.
He's fucking scaring me. I feel so stupid, so navie, so pathetic.
"And that's not even all."
"What's fucking more left?" Anger sprinted on my face, I'm scowling at him. "You maniac!" I say in disgust.
"You foolish Boy. I'm a maniac? All that he told you was a lie! It was him who betrayed Sarfaraz for power! Your Father was innocent! He attacked Sarfaraz and got shot in the way, after finishing your father he made him sit in his car and exploded it himself, to erase any evidence. And you were stupid enough to fall for his story and not trusted your own father's choices. It's hilarious!"
No.
No, no, no, no , no.
"I don't believe you." I spat.
"The moment Faisal ran a digger through his Elham's heart, he become borderline by that specific emotional dysregulation, impulsive action." Victor tells me.
"What are you doing sarf?" Faisal's voice shivered as he stood above his body. Sarfaraz was aiming his gun pointed at Faisal because he was shocked, he never thought his best friend would do such a thing.
"What have you done?" Faisal shivered, his boss's body, laying on the ground, covered in blood. He had projected every little droplet of blood on Sarfaraz.
"What have I done? Look around yourself Faisal. Why?" Sarfaraz kept his aim.
"You don't have to do this faraz" Faisal repeated, till he could convince himself to think its Sarfaraz who killed Elham.
"Don't do this Faz. Don't make me do this!" Sarfaraz reloaded his gun sharp.
"I do— I won't let you get my righteous seat. I've worked sweat off for it." It was Faisal who had gone mad.
"We've both worked for it equally!" Sarfaraz yelled.
"No! It was mine from the beginning."
"Why are we fighting over some stupid position faz?"
"It's not just some position! It's power!" Faisal yelled.
"You were guided wrong." Victor said.
I shove my sorrow pent up emotion inside as I gulp.
No.
No no no. What is all of this? What should I believe? What the hell.
"Oh Sam. Deep down I wanted you to grow up.. and find out what he actually did and kill him with your own bear hands, deep down I wanted to see Faisal's face when he finally sees how you came as an enemy, when you kill him yourself, I'd love to see that! I'll enjoy that!" He bursts out laughing.
He never laughs..
He can't be serious.
He can't be.
"You can say whatever you want, I don't give a crap." I say.
Although my heart might burst into flame and my throat may get caught on fire by how much I'm pulling myself back.
"Believe it or not. Your Father was a decent man, Whereas Faisal was never."
"Mr Faisal would never lie to me." I stand firm.
"Faisal murdered Sarfaraz Sam."
"Sam."
"You're the most precious person to me Sam."
"Get up!" I kick him to move.
"I said get up you sick shit!"
"Hold on hold on" I say under my breath, muttering. "Can you hear me?" My voice trembling, He looks at me. I push my hand deeper.
"Please, please" As my eyes trace his body.
"He burned your Mother alive." Victor's voice dims and struck me inside out.
"I'm sure you are the strongest" My mom said to me.
"DON'T COME ANY CLOSER MOM"
Fire.. my house is caught on fire, the floor shattered down where my mom is.. she's dying! Somebody help!
HELP HER! HELP MY MOM.
I get out of that building. I ran out. I couldn't hear it anymore. Victor had become a fucking psychotic asshole.
Someone peaks through the door. "Officer Adam, Mr Farukh is here for you."
Officer nods and waves him away.
I literally throw up near a corner gripping on a stool to gain balance from trembling which almost feels like dying. I got out of that building as soon as I could, I ran outside because my heart is pounding so loud I can hear it reaching my whole body in waves of shiver.
I try to force myself to get up but my legs give up and all I feel is disgust. This can't be, it can't, my heart can't take it, it really can't. I can— I uhm I can feel my heart— actually breaking. I'm sweating hard, my throat is getting tighter with each breath I take, my body feels numb. This isn't happening, I can't fucking feel my body, Tears run down my cheeks, my whole body is stuck, my brain isn't functioning, I'm not- am I? I can't breath, I punch my chest for air which I'm so desperately grasping for. As if all of a sudden the world's caving in. The sky's falling down on me and I can't seem to stop it. I clutch my chest tight. I keep punching my chest with my fists.
In guilt,
In regret.
In desperation, in patheticness,
Or dreadful resentment.
And cried. I cried my lungs out, screaming.
What the fuck Faisal? Out of all the people my father? What the actual hell, I need to get out of here, my veins tightens in grieve.
Its true. Grief is something you never get over. How will I live with this burden, its not just about Faisal! its about my whole fucking life, my whole existence, flashed in a single second, everything was a lie, all I've ever leant, felt, did and wanted. All of it! fake, fruad.. I was sabotaged? I was- fucking.. manipulated into thinking my father was a bad person. What is this sensation in my body that I can't seem to control, what have I lost? I lost the biggest part of my life.
"I think we endured too much to leave now" I threw Ifan's my bag on the ground. "And we don't need this anymore"
"Cause we're buying new ones."
I can't come to accept that I lost Ifan for— for this? I burst out in tears, slamming the floor with my fists until they start to bleed intensely.
Fuck agh what have I done? The one person I saw my father in stabbed me to death. And now that I'm bleeding, I don't know how to mend myself without cutting myself deeper.
Kill yourself
Kill yourself
Kill yourself
I shouldn't. I can't let him win. I can't let him hurt Ayat. I can't let Ifan live with this burden. If only my destiny wasn't this bad. All that you did my ill fate. I kept fighting, and forgiving you. Now that you've taken everything from me, I can't accept that you're my fate. How can you be? Why only my fate? I was surprised you stayed hidden for awhile. Turns out you were planning this. Well done universe.
Well done..
"Hey."
I get startle when someone stole my attention.
Is that Zaid walking up to me? Am I seeing things?
"Uh?"
He sat on a hill a little up from me.
"Eh what happend." He asks, he has a stick in his mouth.
"What are you doing here?" I wipe sweat off of my face.
"It's my hibernate place." He said. "But now I wish it wasn't." He jumped down. "I heard everything."
I don't respond.
For a few minutes he kept looking at me.
"Is anything what Victor said true?" I ask, without looking at him. He heard my voice is shaking and that I'm weak.
"Anything?" He laughed. "Everything Sam."
Another punch went down my stomach.
I was hoping for it to be false..
"He wasn't a good father to you." I whisper to him.
"Yeah he ain't never was." He chuckles in pain.
"I'm sorry.." I say, my voice breaks, and my eyes welled up in tears.
His eyes grew wider when hearing me say these words.
"Why are you sorry?" His tone has questions.
"What he did to you will never be justified. What he did to me, to Victor, to my father. Everyone around him dies, and he knows it. He craves it, he's a psychopath and he doesn't feel bad for it." I sniff in awful pain, as if I'm stabbed.
He nods, walking around me.
"For the record Sam, I still don't like you. If anything, I'm kinda happy that my father played you. Guess you weren't a favourite after all." He stared at me for a while.
"Leave before he kills you." He warns me.
"You mean escape?" I ask, looking up at him.
"If so." He replies.
"I never run away." My voice stiffens in pain.
"You have no belonging here left to live up for Sam. So leave when you still have the time so." He left in pity.
I stay numb, on the cold ground. My fists clenched the dirt harder. Tears welling up, finally rushed down my chin.
We only get a momnet to think,
And a lifetime to regret.
I owe Ifan an explanation.
Leave he says. I chuckle in sorrow, under my breath.
I don't escape..
I'm not meant to.
I tighten my grip to somthing they weren't ready to hold.
They watched me as I lost my way back home.
All this type I held a desire so deep to kill my parents murderer.. only if had I known.
How will I kill Mr Faisal with my own bear hands? I moan in pain, as if I'm bleeding, clutching my chest. Painful cries escape my mouth.
Only If had I known,
How to save a life..