After seeing the state I was in, Jagon soon left the room.
I did not say anything, nor did he say anything, but the reasons for our silences were different.
I did not say anything because it would be painful. Jagon did not say anything because his entire view of my personality was turned on its head.
'Please don't mention it anymore. Please don't destroy the plan I had made. Please do not stop me from becoming Faun.'
Perhaps because of the massive mental toll, I had quickly fallen asleep again.
When I woke up, my mood wasn't any better, and I didn't want to get out of bed in the slightest.
Unfortunately, my stomach didn't agree with that sentiment.
I looked out the window, the sun was right in the middle of the sky.
'The middle of the day.'
It wasn't time for breakfast or lunch, but I didn't really care.
Nobody was in the kitchen, so I could easily cook something up for myself.
'Just a salad is fine.'
I did not have the will to do anything more complicated.
I quickly chopped up some vegetables, stirred them and started eating.
As I ate there, I couldn't help but get lost in thought.
Right now, my situation was precarious. The only thing I could do was talk Jagon into not stopping me.
But that... would be beyond difficult.
Jagon was a good guy. A guy so good that he would stop a person who is destroying themselves, even if it's what they want and what they decided on.
And I was the prime example of a person who is destroying themselves. No, that is not quite accurate. I was not just destroying myself, I was erasing myself.
It is what I decided on. It is what I need to do. But Jagon wouldn't care, he would still try his best to stop me.
At a time like this, I just had to ask myself a simple question.
'What would Faun do in this situation?'
Faun is a character whose only problems are his worries, and who does everything in a nasty way.
If it was Faun in my place, he would... not care for Jagon.
He would not care about Jagon's mental state. He would not care whether what he was doing was moral or not.
He would use the "child who lost everything" card. He would play with Jagon's pity. He would make Jagon feel guilty, so that Jagon felt he was doing something wrong. He would pressure Jagon, not give him time to think, time to breathe. He would divert the topic, doing everything possible to stall.
'And if Faun would do that, so will I.'
Because I am Faun.
***
"Faun, if I should even call you that, we need to talk."
I was still recovering in my bed as Jagon said that.
Without giving him even time to sit down, I start applying the pressure.
"Hey, Jagon. I have a couple of questions for you."
His brow furrows.
"Ask away."
"Is kindness appreciated in this cruel world we live in?"
Jagon frowns, and that was answer enough.
"Is kindness something people will not take advantage of in this world?"
His fists clench.
"Hey. Is it good to have kindness in this world? Will I survive in this world if I am kind and weak?"
He looks at the floor with intensity.
"Why are you not answering? Ah, right. You said that I can ask some questions, not that I would recieve answers. There's no reason for you to answer. Sit down then, I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable."
With stiff movements Jagon sat down on my chair, and I quickly take control of the conversation to divert it.
"Jagon, I've said multiple times that emotions are not something that can be erased, right?"
He looked a bit uncomfortable at my sudden shift in topic, but he played along.
"Yes, I remember you saying that you can only suppress them or guide them. You can never get rid of emotions completely, which is why you had to use anger to battle your fear of Zelen."
"That's right. But you've seen it, right? You've seen me without any emotions, back when we talked heart to heart for the first time."
Not seeing where I was going with this, Jagon slowly nodded.
"I myself said that fully getting rid of emotions is impossible, and yet I am capable of thinking without emotions. Now, how do you think this is possible?"
Jagon tapped his foot on the ground in thought.
"I... have no idea. Perhaps you were just suppressing them really well?"
"No, I am not so good at controlling my emotions as to suppress them to that degree, I'm not nearly that impressive. I can truly think without emotions. This allows me to think without unnecessary things like anger or biases. Pure logical thought from all possible perspectives. But since you have no idea, I guess I'll tell you."
I turn to look at the window outside. There, children were playing with smiles, along with Angelica looking over them. The sun was shining far up in the sky, and slight wind was ruffling the grass.
"I don't know about you, Jagon, but I think of emotions as reactions. So the first step to think without emotions, is to get rid of any external stimuli. If you don't have anything to react to, your reactions will not happen, after all. You force your body to stop sensing and feeling everything, no matter what it is. I couldn't do this at first, but after a year of nothing but isolation, you pick up a couple of skills, you know?"
I look at Jagon and, for just a moment, delete all external stimuli, to show Jagon just how I do it.
I quickly regain my senses.
"But unfortunately, that wasn't enough. Even though emotions are reactions, just removing external stimuli is not enough. Do you know the reason for that?"
Jagon shakes his head.
"It is because I exist. My self exists, and as such, I have emotions even while destroying all external stimuli. Because I need to destroy all stimuli, not just external ones."
Jagon's eyes widen.
"So you..."
"Yes, I delete my self. I delete me. To think without biases, my self is problematic, so I get rid of it. Only after getting rid of my self and all of my senses, can I truly properly think."
Jagon just stared at me shock, almost like I said something unthinkable.
"But if you delete your self every single time, how are you still... you?"
"Memories. I might delete my self, but memories persist. I remember how I used to talk, I remember how I used to feel, and from those memories, I make a new me."
Jagon stares at me like I'm crazy.
"So from this idea, from this new information you have learned. Tell me, do you really have the authority to tell me what is wrong and right for me to do?"
Jagon froze in place.
"I have analyzed myself countless times. I know myself through and through. I have to, otherwise, I would not continue being me after thinking. So, in front of this person who knows himself so well, is what you're doing even logical? You've known me for three months, I have studied myself countless times for a year straight. Is that time difference even remotely logical to you?"
...
'...Ah, this bastard really is my kryptonite.'
―That was my thought the moment I saw the expression on Jagon's face.
Because he was smiling like a dumbass.
"You think I care? Listen, I wanted you out of this house as soon possible. While I didn't exactly hate you, I hated the fact that you appeared in such an important moment of mine and Angelica's life. But honestly? I'm not even slightly mad at you anymore. I appreciate your existence even, and I will probably not let you leave until the six months limit is up, that's just how much I've come to like you. That's how much I've come to see you as a friend."
He points to himself with his thumb, while his smile just gets dumber.
"And I help my friends."
I look at him with a frown, and he looks at me with a smile.
I was intent on erasing myself, Jagon was intent on saving me.
Just why was I looking like the villain in this situation...
"Jagon, I have lost―"
"As! If! I! Care! You lost everything dear to you, yes. The pain must be unimaginable, yes. But that's not the main reason you're doing this. That's just an excuse, right?"
'I still cannot win against an adult in an argument it seems. What a pain.'
Jagon smirks.
"You're doing this because you don't want to be kind. Because kindness is something that will bring you closer to death in this world, you want to get rid of it. But just like you said, you can't get rid of emotions, so you have no choice but to go the long route. You have no choice... but to construct a new self, am I right? Your name is not Faun, nor are you a person who only worries. You just want to become Faun, so that you won't die in this world."
...That's right. Faun is a character I have made for myself to play. A character who only cares about his worries and who does everything in a nasty way.
My current self cannot live in this world. I am too kind, I am too attached to my previous world, I am too emotional.
The more time passes, the more desperate I will become to go back to my old world. That might even end up in me becoming a monster who will resort to using humans as resources.
I know myself. I know myself well. Even if I might hold out for years, I will eventually break. I will become mad, and I will resort to using any means necessary.
As such, becoming another person ― or a fictional character in my case ― is the best way I can live in this world and not become evil.
...I glare at Jagon.
"What would you know? Do you think I want this? Do you think I want to become someone that heartless? Do you think I want to throw away my self? It might not be the same as dying, but it is pretty similar. Do you really think I would wish for anything like that? I have no choice. If I don't become Faun... either I will end up dead, or everyone around me will end up dead."
Those were the only two endings possible if I stayed in my current state, and considering that traveling to another world required Foundation Magic which was beyond difficult, I doubted I could get home before I went mad.
Not only that... I really wanted revenge too. If the people who summoned me turned out to be good people who just wanted help, I would still probably cripple them. I may not like killing, but crippling I don't have any negative memories about, so I would do it without any hesitation.
So yeah, I was just too emotionally driven as a person. I am not good for my surroundings.
Jagon furrowed his brows in thought.
"So convincing you won't be so easy, huh?"
I nodded.
"That's right. I have run multiple simulations of both Faun and myself. Being Faun resulted in more good endings."
There were bad endings with both, but being Faun was simply less destructive.
After all, if you cause problems or become a bad person, people will come after you. As someone who only worries, Faun doesn't want any trouble nor anyone after him, so he doesn't do bad things. While my current self is more emotionally driven and does stupid and bad things often. It is as simple as that.
Jagon sighed.
"Well, alright. I won't stop you with something stupid like force, that would be useless. I'll just slowly convince you that kindness is something you shouldn't lose."
"So you are making a declaration of war."
Jagon smirked. He liked that I caught on quick.
"That's right. For the remaining three months, I will do my best to convince you that kindness is something you should retain. Whether that'll work out or not... well, we'll see about that."
'―――'
...Why? Why is it that I wanted to smile right now?
Is it because someone was going to be trying hard for my sake? Even if they were going to be working against my wishes, they would still be trying for my sake, so I was happy because of that?
'Haaa, the human mind is simple, after all.'
With a small smile, I answered Jagon in turn.
"Alright. And I'll try my best to become Faun during that time."
With sincere smiles on both of our faces, we declared war on each other.