Everything disappears into the white world.
He wasn't sure if his frozen body had melted, or crumbled, or if it would remain forever inside the ice sculpture.
At the moment, I couldn't care less about what would happen to the body that was left behind.
There was only one thing I could clearly understand.
He repeated it over and over again, witnessing the tragic outcome each time, and each time it repeated itself only making the situation worse, until finally, he destroyed with his own hands the thing he wanted to protect the most, and finally realized.
ーーNo one, not even himself, had any expectations of Natsuki Subaru.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
No matter how many times I experienced it, I could never get used to the sensation of my five senses suddenly returning, something I thought I had lost.
The cold seeps into your body to the very core, you lose even the sense of cold, and feel a sense of loss, as if you are sinking endlessly into white darkness.
The feeling of losing everything suddenly clears, and in the blink of an eye, everything is back to normal.
Blood was flowing again to my limbs that had been so badly injured, my nerves that had been completely affected were functioning normally as if they had forgotten the pain. The cold that had been stinging my skin had disappeared, and the sunlight was muggy if I didn't roll up my sleeves.
"――――"
"--!"
"----ah"
As I stood there in the crowded street, sounds flew from both sides, throwing a load of work at my hearing, which was supposed to be dead, relentlessly demanding that it return.
As he processed the meaningless noises, Subaru checked the movement of his own limbs. His arms, which had been lowered in two, his right leg, which had become like a sword stand, and his left leg, which had been knocked off by the driving of a stake, were all safe. His feet were firmly planted on the ground, and his fists were tightly clenched.
Everything was back to normal. Subaru felt a sense of relief as he regained control over his body.
And above all else――
"Subaru-kun, what's wrong with you, spacing out?"
On the other side of the counter, he saw a blue-haired girl tilting her head and looking at him with a worried expression.
Abandoned by everything, overwhelmed with a feeling of helplessness that he knew he could do nothing about, despairing over the disappointment and loss that he brought upon himself, he returned helplessly to his death,
"Rem."
"Yes, this is Rem, Subaru. What's wrong?"
Responding to a brief voice calling out to her, Rem stepped under the counter and out of the store. When she came to Subaru, who was standing there, she reached her hand out towards his face and touched his cheek.
Rem frowned in concern, a look of sadness on her handsome face, and,
"I'm sorry, I didn't notice. You must have been tired. Forgetting your work and immersing yourself in something else, Rem, you're not fit to be a servant."
"I'm tired... Ah, I see..."
Subaru raised his hand to cover Rem's hand that was touching his cheek. Rem raised her eyebrows in surprise at the contact, but she refrained from doing so at the sight of Subaru's haggard expression and voice.
Without even looking at her, who seemed to want to say something, Subaru held Rem firmly in his hands―― as if clinging to her warmth, as if not wanting to let her slip away,
"I dropped it, it got worn out... I got tired."
But still, the girl I thought I had lost is definitely here.
"--Subaru-kun?"
ーーSubaru made the decision not to let go of what was in front of him.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
I quickly walk through the crowds and head down the gentle slope.
Subaru grimaces at the dust clouds from the dragon carriage that passes beside him, but his gaze is straight ahead. He heads for his destination, and there is no hesitation in his steps.
Thinking back, Subaru had been lost throughout these repetitive days.
He was lost in his own existence, lost in the place of Emilia's heart, lost in the meaning of his existence, lost in what he should do to grasp the best future, lost in a whirlpool of madness, lost in life and death, and if you dig deep into it, he was a lost person who had wandered into another world.
But now, Subaru, who had previously been unable to feel a single sense of direction when moving his feet, was charging forward with greater determination than ever before.
At last I understood.
The loop, the days that repeated, were not in vain.
The events in the third world, the world that had truly pushed Subaru to his limits, both physically and mentally, had made that clear to him.
What Subaru can do.
What Subaru should do.
"--kun!"
His gaze, clear of any doubts, is fixed on his goal, and his feet are powerful as they push off the ground.
His body felt light. Freed from all pressure, Subaru now had nothing to fear.
"Subaru-kun, please listen to me."
Pulling her arm, we walked down the slope and then headed towards the main street - one of the widest in the royal capital. Weaving our way through the throngs of people passing by, we made our way against the tide of people.
Subaru's momentum only increases as he approaches a familiar road. His excitement is reflected in his breathing, his steps, and the bouncing of his body.
Suddenly stepping into the shade, Subaru looked up at the thing that was blocking out the sunlight.
As he looked upward, what covered his field of vision was the wall surrounding the royal capital, and the gap in that wall that connected the inside and outside of the capital's main gate――the characters engraved on the top were a combination of ``Ha'' and ``Ro'' that he couldn't yet read, and he had been taught that they spelled out ``Royal Capital Lugnica.''
In other words, Subaru - no, the two of them were currently at the main gate of the royal capital,
"--Subaru-kun!"
The feet that had been following him smoothly up until then suddenly stopped, and the arm that had been holding him was forcefully shook off. With their connection broken, even Subaru had no choice but to stop moving.
Subaru stopped and turned around to see Rem gazing at him, her eyes trembling in confusion.
"What's wrong? What happened? You need to explain..."
Rem pleaded, placing her left hand on the arm that had been grabbed and somehow shrinking in size.
Hearing this, Subaru realised that her doubts were only natural. From her perspective, she had been forcibly brought here by Subaru, whose behaviour had suddenly changed. It was only natural for her to be angry if he had rushed her without any explanation on the way there.
"Oh, sorry, Rem. I was a bit anxious about a lot of things. There were quite a few things I had to think about. So I forgot to explain, sorry."
"This is getting to be a problem. I know that Subaru-kun has been thinking about a lot of things, but you still need to tell me something. …I don't mind being forced though."
Placing her hands to her cheeks, Rem blushed slightly and let out a sigh of relief.
Hearing the tone in Subaru's voice, his composure returning, he seemed to have concluded that his strange behaviour up until now had been a mere imagination.
Indeed, looking at her relief, it's not hard to understand the concerns.
To Rem, who only experienced the events for a few seconds, the change in Subaru immediately after "Return by Death" must have been truly dramatic.
In truth, there was a difference between the accumulation of "a few seconds" and "a few days" between her and Subaru.
Furthermore, Subaru had accumulated those "several days" three times, shaping who he is now. And if he were to calmly look back, the gloominess he felt inside during that time must have been so strong that he wanted to look away.
He was humiliated at the royal selection, beaten half to death by Julius at the parade grounds, created a fatal rift between him and Emilia, and was left behind in the royal capital, losing sight of his reason for existence.
While spending his time idly at Crusch's mansion, he endlessly searched for answers to the questions of what he could do and what he had to do, but could not find any.
Subaru's doubts were suddenly cleared up in the blink of an eye. From Rem's perspective, it was a bolt from the blue.
"I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm okay now. I felt like I was always showing my shameful side by being upset or made to feel down, but I finally understand now."
"No. Thinking about Subaru-kun isn't a pain for me, Rem. …Have you finally understood?"
As Subaru spoke with eyes that had cleared from his doubts, Rem responded in a bouncy voice.
It had been a really long time since they had an exchange like this, and Subaru couldn't hide the modest joy he felt inside.
And then, to Rem's question that followed at the end of her sentence, Subaru nodded and said, "Yes."
「I'm honestly sorry for worrying so much and going astray, and causing so much trouble to everyone, but I finally figured out how to resolve this amicably. No, thinking about it again, I should have seen it from the beginning, and I should have been taught about it, but... I'm not good at giving up.」
"I think that's what's so great about you, Subaru..."
Subaru gave a wry smile at Rem's vague words.
Then he looked up at the sky, its vastness and height immersed in the depths of his eyes. For the world that continued to look down on Subaru without changing, it must have been a frustrating time.
But I can finally put an end to those painful times.
The answer had been right in front of me all along.
No matter where Subaru went, no matter how reckless he challenged himself, no matter how foolish his actions, she always followed him without complaint.
yes,
"I've decided, Rem."
He stares straight into the eyes of the girl who stands there, so close he could reach out and touch her.
Her shoulder-length blue hair swayed in the wind, and Subaru was reflected in her clear eyes.
The black apron dress that envelops her petite body is completely devoid of unnecessary decoration, embodying her noble nature. The white prims that decorate the top of her blue hair are resolute, and her small, well-defined facial features delicately accentuate the shape of an adorable girl.
"Yes, Subaru."
Her pink lips curved into a smile, and her narrowed eyes curved gently.
The sweetness of the voice that resonated was so full of affection that it seemed to melt Subaru's brain, and it seeped into Subaru, who was about to utter just one word, with an endless allure.
"First, let's rent a dragon carriage. The reception desk is a bit crowded due to the turmoil surrounding the royal selection, but we can still make it after noon tomorrow, so I think there should be a few spaces available now."
I prefer someone who is fast and physically strong.
You need to keep running, someone who can run lightly and without needing to rest, day or night.
"A dragon carriage, is it...?"
Tilting her head, Rem repeated the words Subaru had just said.
There was confusion in her eyes, and it seemed she hadn't seen the conclusion of Subaru's story, which was a little too hasty.
However, Subaru seemed oblivious to her confusion and gestured towards the gate,
"It might take a while to choose a dragon carriage, so maybe it would be a good idea to use your free time to stock up on food and other things. Ah, I'm not a fan of the mumble type, even when it comes to portable rations. I'd rather just have water than eat that."
During his compulsory education, there were classes where students would actually try preserved foods and portable rations under the pretext of experiential learning, but Subaru had bad memories of both of these and could not help but rate them as "no good."
Considering that in the original world, where seasonings were highly developed, the taste of preserved foods in this world is truly unreliable.
"No, but on the other hand, there's a slight possibility that the preserved foods might actually taste better due to some magical power at work...!? Since they were able to create mayonnaise, it's possible that the "try before you throw it" spirit is still alive and well..."
"Um, Subaru-kun?"
"Um, uh, sorry, my thoughts were going in a weird direction. What's wrong?"
Correcting his earlier story that had begun to veer off topic, Subaru looked at Rem with a gentle smile on his face. He bent slightly, making sure to meet the gaze of the girl in front of him.
Subaru's earnest attitude made Rem go quiet for just a moment, then, with trembling lips, as if shaking off her hesitation,
"Um, I'm sorry. I'm not very good at reading between the lines, so I don't know what Subaru is trying to do. Um, what…?"
「Ah! I see, sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't notice at all! No, I thought I had already completely told you what we were going to do and made a plan, how embarrassing!」
Smacking his knee, Subaru laughed heartily at his own failing.
And after laughing at his oversight,
"I've come to this point through a series of things that I've learned and realized, but the answer has been there for me for a long time."
A wry smile, a genuine wry smile.
He tasted bitterness. He chewed over regret. He cried tears over injustice and impermanence, and, toyed with by a cruel fate, he was covered in the blood of himself and others.
The answers to all of this are now clear.
"Rem."
Calling the girl's name, Subaru slowly reached out his hand to her.
Looking at the outstretched hand, Rem waited for Subaru to say something next. As if responding to her attitude, Subaru put the rising feelings on his tongue――
"Let's run away together. Wherever we go."
It was a clear declaration of defeat against fate.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
"...Eh?"
Not understanding the meaning of what she was being told, Rem only let out a raspy sigh.
Thinking that her reaction was understandable, Subaru shook his head,
"I'm leaving the royal capital and heading all the way west... or north. I've heard that I can't enter the southern empire, so that's my only options. I don't like the cold, so I personally think the west is the best."
"Um, no, well..."
"Frankly speaking, the distance is unclear, and we're starting off on a whim, so I don't think it's going to be an easy journey. Ah, what should we do if we don't have any way to return the dragon carriage in the first place? Would it be better to buy it rather than rent it out?"
Subaru probably thought it was a system similar to a rental car system, but he was unfamiliar with the subtleties of it all as he had not yet reached the age to obtain a driver's license. He had not been with Rem when she rented the dragon carriage last time, so he did not know what kind of paperwork was exchanged.
I don't think the store owners would be running their business without considering the possibility of someone just getting their car stolen away, so I think they must have come up with some sort of good terms――
"Wait!"
But as Subaru was lost in thought, Rem called a halt.
With her palms facing me, she had a rare look of impatience on her face.
"Run away…um, what do you mean? The way you said it just now, Subaru, it sounds like you're leaving for a country other than Lugnica…"
After stating her speculation in a tone that couldn't hide her doubt, Rem let out an "ah" and her expression brightened slightly,
"By any chance, you've come up with another brilliant idea? Something that will help Emilia-sama and Roswaal-sama..."
"There's no such thing, Rem."
"picture--"
As if clinging to it, as if hoping that this was the true meaning of Subaru's words, Rem painted a picture of the future that she believed in far too completely.
However, Subaru quietly shook his head in denial.
「I told you, run away. Even if I stay in the royal capital, there's nothing I can do. And even if I return to the mansion, my helplessness won't change. ーーI understand that.」
The sense of powerlessness, the emptiness, the unfairness of the world weighed heavily on Subaru's body.
However, once you accept that this is an unchangeable fact that has become so entangled the more you try to deny it, how light-hearted do you feel?
"That's why, let's run away together, Rem. You can't stay here. Everyone, everyone, has been telling me that. I didn't want to admit it, and I kept desperately denying it...but yes, that's right. I was weak. No one needed me."
I think I was being conceited.
I was mistaken. I was mistaken and got carried away.
He'd been thrown into another world, and had been given the power to slightly change his fate, and with that, he'd been lucky enough to save someone twice, which made him feel like he'd made a mistake.
Even though I didn't have the strength, desire, or even the qualifications to help someone.
"That's not possible..."
"That's not true. I was told clearly. --I kept being told that."
We don't need you.
In the first world, Subaru ignored Emilia's wishes and ran out of Crusch's mansion. He didn't listen to Rem's words trying to stop him, and the result was the catastrophe that followed.
In the second world, he did not pay the price for creating that scene, and as a result of escaping reality, he took Rem's life tragically, and once again was unable to save anyone.
The third world had brought about the most despicable results. He'd dragged a traveling merchant along the way, Rem had been swallowed by the white whale, and Emilia had been killed with his own hands. The Witch Cult had likely been wiped out by Puck, but if he had unleashed that ferocity on the whole country after Subaru's death, the damage would have been incomparable to anything he'd ever done before.
If he could go back even earlier, to days that could never be undone, to the royal selection at the castle――at that moment, he hadn't even been able to be of any help to Emilia.
Far from standing beside her, he interrupted her and then backed away, and far from making up for it, he was completely beaten down by another knight candidate. To top it off, he had a falling out with Emilia and hurt her by saying things to her that he never intended to say.
"...Kuhaha."
I felt a dry laugh burst in my throat.
Looking back, it's a masterpiece. When I calmly reflect on my own actions and thoughts, I can clearly and painfully feel how bad it was.
--Do you want to do it for Emilia? Surely you can save someone? Surely everyone would be ruined without you?
What nonsense. What a delusion. Oh, what arrogance.
What Subaru had done was nothing but a foolish act that only put Emilia in a worse position, betrayed and hurt her feelings of concern for him, and caused the death of Rem, who had followed him around, every time.
Wow, everyone must have known this was going to happen.
That's why everyone tells Subaru to just stay quiet. To not do anything. To tell him that their powers are not needed, to stay hidden, to disappear.
The people around Subaru who told him this knew much more about the future than he did. They were in stark contrast to Subaru, who should know but couldn't do anything about it, didn't understand, and couldn't comprehend it.
Maybe it's you all who are stuck in a loop?
"Otherwise, I'd end up looking like a complete flop... who would expose me?"
I was miserable. I felt so sorry for myself that I couldn't do anything about it.
A clown is someone who is prepared for people to laugh at him, and who acts that way in order to be a clown. So Subaru, who was unaware that the audience was pointing at him and laughing at him, wasn't even a clown. --He was simply a hopeless fool.
"So I decided to just disappear. That should be fine, it's fine. Whatever I do will just result in one more corpse... or maybe even more."
Corpse, corpse, corpse, corpse, corpse.
The corpse of someone I don't know. The corpse of someone I know. The corpse of someone important. The corpse of someone important. The corpse of someone I trusted. The corpse of someone I wanted to trust. --The corpse of someone important.
I was fed up with it.
Why should he have to go through this? After all the suffering he'd endured, surely he deserved some reward? Even Subaru knew that the idea that hard work always pays off, or that anything can come true if you set your sights on a goal, was just a pipe dream.
But still, is it wrong to hope, even if just in a small way, to avoid the worst-case scenario?
"Let's run, Rem. You and I both shouldn't be here... in this country."
Dropping everything and despising everything, Subaru resolved to run away.
And on this escape, on this decision that would be criticized by all, he wanted to take the girl in front of him - Rem - with him.
No matter how much I tried to throw away everything, there was something I couldn't let go of.
Loneliness is scary. Loneliness is scary. In this vast world, in this world of darkness where nothing is clear, I knew it was the right thing to do, but the fear wouldn't allow me to abandon my protection and run away on my own.
So there was hope that only she, only Rem, would come with us.
Throughout all the repetitive days that had passed up until then, she was the only one who had remained with Subaru. She had been with him, witnessing his shameful displays, his shameful words and actions, and his misguided way of life.
It was precisely because of her that Subaru thought it was worth his last bet.
Three times during this repeated time, Subaru caused Rem's death in each and every world.
In order to prevent her death, she must not return to the mansion. Whether she arrives at the mansion or is on the way there, she will meet a tragic end in losing her life.
So should they keep her in the royal capital? No. Even if she spends time in the royal capital, if news of the incident at the Roswaal mansion reaches Crusch's mansion, she will leave the royal capital to save her territory.
And surely, once this had happened, there was nothing Subaru could do to stop her. Subaru would be left alone at the Crusch mansion, and he would hear the whole story after it was all over.
I can clearly visualize myself losing everything and being left empty.
In order to keep Rem from dying, she must not know anything.
If he really wanted to save Rem, he couldn't stay here.
"Even if you suddenly say something like that, Rem..."
In response to Subaru's plea, however, Rem shook her head slightly.
It seemed like a gesture of denial, but in reality it revealed her hesitation.
Subaru's reasoning was too abrupt for her to digest. Above all, the amount of information Subaru provided her with on which to base her decision was far too small.
It's hard to agree to suddenly being told to drop everything and run away.
But, even though he understood the absurdity of it all, Subaru still had to convince Rem.
Subaru no longer knew the limits of the amount of information he could provide.
I feel like whatever I say will violate the witch's curse.
No matter what action I take, I have a feeling I will fall victim to an unreasonable fate.
I'm at a stalemate. I'm at a dead end. I'm stuck in a fateful impasse.
So the only thing Subaru could do was plead with her. He appealed to her conscience. He knew that it was extremely cowardly, and that he was taking advantage of her dependency on him.
"We don't have time. I'm really sorry about this being so sudden. Really, really. I feel really bad for you... But, please choose."
"choose..."
"Me or someone else...choose."
Given so little information, and with it all being suddenly stated, I hated my own cowardice in forcing me into such a decision, and the dire situation.
However, it was also true that giving Rem time to think things through would be inconvenient, and Subaru couldn't say for sure that he wasn't using the situation to his own advantage.
With limited time to think, and with Subaru begging her in front of her, who she depended on, what decision would Rem make?—she had a good chance of success.
A chance of success, or perhaps it was more of a desperate hope.
A selfish hope that if it was Rem, then perhaps she alone would be able to forgive Subaru's degradation, his escape.
"Let's get a dragon carriage and head west. Leave Lugnica, all the way west... Kararagi, I think? We'll buy a small house there and live there together."
Subaru quickly began to talk about the future he envisioned.
It is a future that is ordinary, peaceful, and surely free of absurdity and cruelty.
"I feel bad for Roswaal because I'm going to use my travel money, but we can just borrow it and pay it back someday. For now, once we have a plan for living, I'll try to get a job... I've never worked before, but I'm sure it'll be fine."
He doesn't even have a high school diploma and is a shut-in.
He is a born indoor person and has never even had a part-time job. Since coming to this other world, the best he has been able to do is work as an apprentice in a houseboy, which is practically like a child's handyman lessons.
It's probably going to be very hard to get a decent job, but I'll try to get a job no matter what. It's nothing compared to the pain, suffering, and death.
The more we think about it, the more open Subaru's future becomes.
When I think back to the days when I struggled and tormented myself, aiming for just one future, and bringing about the worst disasters, I realize how happy I feel.
"Even though I may be modest, I'm sure I can do my best as long as you're here. Just knowing that someone is waiting for me at home with a smile, no matter how tired I am, I know that Rem is waiting for me...!"
Even if he ends up being pointed at by all the people he left behind when he escapes, he feels he can endure it as long as Rem is by his side.
So please, I couldn't ask for anything more than this――
"Please choose me..."
He pleaded, holding out his hands as if squeezing the words out.
"If you choose me, I will dedicate my everything to you. My entire life belongs to you. I will devote myself to you, I will live only for you... that's why."
I can't see the face of Rem, who is standing in front of me.
I don't have the courage to look at his face. I don't have even a shred of courage. If I had, the outcome would surely have been different.
Because there's nothing left for me, a cowardly, despicable, pathetic person.
"Let's run away together... Let's live together..."
I beg from the bottom of my heart that you please don't die.
Subaru's heart beat quickened and his breathing became rough as he poured out all his feelings in a thirsty voice.
Subaru was hit hard by the fatigue of having sprinted, and the mental exhaustion of having been devastated. And after having done this, a period of silence weighed down on him.
There was no reply from Rem.
The sounds of the crowd were far away now, and they wondered what others thought of the two of them having this conversation in public - such trivial matters did not cross their minds at all.
Unable to bear it any longer, Subaru slightly opened his tightly shut eyes and peered at the expression on Rem's face as she stood before him.
Or perhaps enduring the fear that the answer might be revealed in his expression.
"――――"
Silently, and unaware that Subaru was watching her, Rem kept her lips pressed together.
Although he seems to be making an effort to maintain a neutral expression, there is a slight strain between his eyebrows and at the corners of his eyes, and he is unable to maintain a normal expression.
I could see that doubt, confusion, and hesitation were swirling inside her.
The words Subaru had just spoken had shaken Rem's heart deeply, strongly, and violently.
There's a long moment of silence.
Or perhaps the time that felt like eternity slowly pressed down on Subaru, setting him on fire with a sense of impatience.
But eventually, that time will come to an end.
"--Subaru-kun."
A gentle, loving voice called Subaru's name.
The moment he heard that voice, that trembling voice, Subaru was certain that his plea had been heard.
She accepts Subaru. She forgives him for his weaknesses, and embraces him as a person, Natsuki Subaru, all of that.
A flood of emotions welled up inside me. For the first time, I felt like my efforts had paid off.
And then Subaru raised his head,
"Rem can't run away with Subaru."
Rem's face was extremely sad and she clearly rejected my request.
"But…"
"――――"
"You have to laugh when talking about the future, you know?"
With a look of tears and laughter on her face, Rem spoke the words Subaru had once spoken.