"Hey Ken, that's unusual for you in the morning. Have you finally been fired from your job?"
"Don't be silly, without me nothing would work. I don't want to work too hard and take away everyone's jobs, so I'm here to let off some steam and motivate everyone."
The owner of a nearby bakery on his bicycle calls out to him in a friendly manner, but Kenichi responds by sticking up his middle finger and swearing. They continue their vulgar, chuckling conversation for a while, then they raise their hands and part ways.
"Geez, every single one of them is always complaining about being unemployed when they see someone on their rare day off. I have to support my beloved family, so there's no way I'd make such a big mistake. Even if I were to do something that would get me fired, I'd do it in a way that wouldn't get me caught, hehe."
"...As someone who is being supported, I sincerely pray that you don't resort to such methods, even before you get found out."
Subaru, who had his hands in his jersey pockets and had moved to the side of the road to wait for the conversation to finish, shrugged. Kenichi shook his head and arms and said, "Hey, hey," to his son, who had gone into the shade to get some fresh air.
"If you forget your sense of adventure, you won't grow as a man or as a person, you know? And if you do something bad, then there's no point in talking about it, but it's fun to figure out the fine line between that and that..."
"You're well past the age where you can just joke around, so calm down. You're over 40 and you're still acting like a kid."
"I think even when a man grows up, he still has a childish side somewhere. And since you're the one who should be telling these stupid tales, but you don't join in the conversation, Dad has no choice but to tell me these stupid tales. What do you think about that?"
"I don't know what to do, but I can't talk to some random old guy in a friendly manner."
"I don't know him at all. He's the owner of the store where I sometimes buy bread on my way home. Also, he was a junior from my high school days."
That doesn't really make sense to me.
I've never really looked closely at a bread bag, and I probably have never even stopped by there myself.
Subaru silently gave off the impression that he wanted to end the conversation, and Kenichi clicked his tongue and said, "Well, I guess that can't be helped."
"Don't you think it's bad for the sun to look so gloomy on such a crisp, sunny morning like this? You look like you might get stopped by the police."
"If I were to be questioned by the police, it would be because of Dad forcing me out at this time of night... I told him I didn't want to go, but he forced me."
"You were only resisting in name only, you obediently followed his orders. But no matter what, you really love your dad, Subaru. Don't worry, I love you too. Second only to mom though!"
As they resumed walking, Kenichi, laughing in a good mood, roughly slapped Subaru on the back. Subaru grimaced at the force of the slap, feeling uneasy about Kenichi's high spirits.
Yes, it's true that his father was always this excited, but Kenichi was a bit moody, so if he had been subjected to the above exchange, he would have been sulking for much longer.
I don't know what it is, but this morning I seem to be in a particularly relaxed mood.
--In stark contrast to Subaru, whose chest felt like it was going to burst just walking outside next to him like this.
"So..."
"Yeah?"
"So, you took me outside because you had something to talk about. Normally you wouldn't go this far… What were you talking about? Apparently it was something that would be difficult to talk about inside."
Subaru asked, implying that it was something he didn't want his mother to hear.
He had a vague feeling that something bad was going to happen. It was probably some kind of scolding for Subaru's listless life.
Normally he could ignore it by covering himself with the covers, but outside that wouldn't work. Or he could just yell it out to interrupt it. If he caused that much embarrassment outside, even Kenichi would change his attitude and look down on Subaru―― Thinking that far, he shook his head.
"If it's my father, he might even find that shame amusing..."
"I don't know what crazy things you're imagining, but that's not an interesting story. I just want to have that kind of everyday family conversation in the sunshine sometimes."
"Really? I don't believe you... But I'll nod for now."
"Yes, yes. By the way, Subaru, would you rather have a younger brother or a younger sister?"
"It's terrifying to be asked that question at seventeen!"
Subaru shivered and raised his voice, shocked by the sudden conversation. Kenichi laughed and said, "Just kidding, just kidding," as Subaru's shoulders heaved and his breathing became heavy.
"It's true that Mom and I still get all lovey-dovey, but I'm not going to do anything like that at my age. In other words, you have my love and Mom's all to yourself. Be happy."
"Ah, yes yes, I'm so happy. ...You're really kidding, right?"
"Hey, hey, stop it. If you keep acting like that and dislike me, I might feel like you're just setting me up and I'll get excited, right?"
As it became increasingly clear that this was no longer just a joke, Subaru silently stared at the matter and let the conversation end. Kenichi gave a wry smile and accepted his intention.
--Subaru was walking with his father on a path just ten minutes away from his home.
The area is close to a famous river, and the cherry blossom trees planted along the banks make it a popular spring tourist spot, although the season is now over and instead of the pink cherry blossoms there are only green leaves bathed in the sunlight.
After finishing breakfast, Subaru spent the time until it was time to go to school feeling worn down by guilt and anxiety, but Kenichi invited him outside and took him to this place.
At first, when I left home, I was worried that I would be taken to school,
"Whenever I try to walk in the direction of the school, your guard is on edge. That's not my goal, so I'll take a detour and head to the bank."
And so, Kenichi, who seemed to have read my intentions, dragged me along until I came here.
A strong wind carrying the scent of plants and trees is blowing from the top of the bank, and if you stand a little you can see the gently flowing river beyond the separating fence.
"There weren't any fences like that back then. I used to have a lot of fun splashing around in the river with my friends. Remember Ikeda? He came to see how strong the current was during a typhoon and got swept away... If an old man with a lifeguard license hadn't happened to be passing by at the time, he probably would have died."
"You can't tell me that Dad and Ikeda-san were the reason this fence was built, can you?"
"No matter what... No, wait a minute? But, it does seem to coincide somewhat in terms of timing."
Leaning against the fence and gazing out at the river, Kenichi tilted his head as he reminisced. Subaru stood behind his father, looking around restlessly.
It was naturally not very busy on a weekday morning. Or rather, there was no one to be seen except for Subaru and Kenichi. It was a place that people didn't like to visit to begin with. The only people wandering around here at this time of night would probably be the caretaker or some other curious person.
As Subaru was thinking this, he suddenly heard the sound of someone stepping on grass,
"Oh? I was wondering who it was and it's Ken-bo! What's up with you? You've come to play in the river again at your age?"
"Who's that voice calling me?...I wonder if the old man at the maintenance hut has been replaced? That's actually more surprising, plus I'm not wearing swim trunks today so I'm not going to go in the river."
"Let me out. You say that trunks look no different from swim trunks at first glance, but then you jumped in wearing only your underwear. That's not what you'd expect from a guy like that. It's been a while, though."
Climbing the bank and holding hands with Kenichi in a casual manner is a short, elderly man. He looks like a good-natured old man, and is wearing a worn green uniform. Judging from the content of their conversation and the logo on his back, he is probably the manager of the bank or something.
Considering he knew Kenichi from when he used to play in the river, he must be quite a veteran.
The two, who hadn't seen each other for a long time, laughed together, and the old man clapped his hands.
"That's right, if you're here, how about Ikeda? He was always getting swept away, so I ended up catching him in my net more times than anyone else."
"That guy, Ikeda, won a million-yen bet about ten years ago, flew off to Thailand with the money and his whereabouts are unknown. But I still get New Year's cards, summer greetings, winter greetings, Obon, Christmas, Father's Day and Mother's Day letters."
"Someone who sends letters that frequently can't be called missing..."
Subaru couldn't help but mutter an interjection. The old man heard the soft mutter and looked his way, raising his eyebrows as if he had just noticed Subaru for the first time.
"Oh, so you had someone with you...huh? Could it be this child?"
"Ah, that's right, my son. No, I should say my beloved son."
"Oh, that's what I thought! There's something resembling you from when you were younger... No, not really. You don't look like me at all. You look like your mother... maybe?"
"Haha. People often say that. Especially the look in your eyes."
Among his ordinary facial features, his eyes are particularly distinctive. His mother's sharp eyes are also deeply rooted in him, so this is clearly where his mother's influence shines.
The old man approached Subaru, who had given such an inoffensive reply,
"I see, I'm surprised. It's taken so long for Kenbo to have a child this big. I guess I'm getting old now. I don't have the strength to swim to the rescue of a drowning Ikeda anymore."
"I don't think even Mr. Ikeda, who is a great guy, would drown while playing in the river at this age…"
"I certainly hope so... but they're a restless bunch. Your father in particular was always causing trouble here and there. You can tell that if you walk around town, right?"
"...Yeah, well."
Subaru's reply was unclear. The old man frowned in some doubt. And the wrinkles between his eyebrows deepened even further right after that.
"Hmm? I'm fine with you being a kid, Kenbo, but... I'm sure today was Monday. Why are you out on the bank with your dad at this time of night?"
"--!"
Subaru's expression stiffened in pain as he was bombarded with questions he didn't want to be asked.
Next came the sharp, stabbing headache that had hit him in his room. Subaru closed his eyes in pain that made him want to clutch his head, and said in an urgent voice, "I'm sorry," before turning his back on the old man as if to flee.
"Ah, hey, hey, Subaru! Sorry, Otchan. I'll drop by again some other time and we can talk then."
"Ah, yeah... I guess I said something sorry. Please apologize to that girl."
I can't hear the conversation going on behind my back.
Anyway, Subaru tries to escape the pounding pain in his skull, and runs off down the bank, as if seeking a place to calm the pounding of his heart.
Following behind him, Kenichi said,
"There's no need to apologize. --The rest is his problem."
He muttered quietly to himself.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
"Here you go. This is a cold, delicious cola made with love. I've shaken it well to make it taste even better... or so I'd like to say, but it seems like that's not the time for that."
"...There's no scene in the vending machine that shows any affection. Thank you."
Savoring the coolness of the can in his palm, Subaru put his fingers on the bull's-top. Then, he closed his eyes as if to think for a moment, pointed the mouth of the can in a direction where no one was, and put pressure on his fingers - and in that moment, the contents spurted out of the open mouth with incredible force. In the blink of an eye, the weight of the can in Subaru's hand decreased by about a third,
"Hey, hey, what's the matter, you got me. It was a two-tiered trick where you made me think you were going to do it, then you said you weren't going to do it, but in fact you did."
"I can see the pattern. How many years do you think I've been dating Dad? It's a kind of trust that there's no way I wouldn't do it. Ah, my hands are getting sticky."
Shaking his hands, covered in the overflowing coke, Subaru tilted the coke, which had gone light before he even put it to his sip. The fizzing taste of the carbonation passed through his mouth, and he felt his parched mouth become moist.
It would have been a relief if the nasty feeling that had been building up deep inside my chest had just been washed away, but unfortunately the heavy lump is still stuck there.
"So, have you calmed down?"
"...It's a delicate matter."
As he answered the question, Subaru sat down further on the bench he was sitting on, let out a long sigh and slumped his shoulders. Standing in front of Subaru, Kenichi was also bringing a Coke to his sip, with one eye closed and an air of deep thought.
After fleeing from the conversation on the bank, Subaru and his father went to a children's park not far from the bank. Naturally, there were no people there either, and there was no sign of his father swinging on the swings as he was in the middle of his long summer vacation.
"In a way, if I were swinging back and forth on the swing right now, I don't think I'd be able to laugh at it anymore. What will you do, Subaru? What if dad was swinging back and forth on the swing on the way back from the convenience store?"
"I'll take a picture with my phone and spread it on Twitter. I'll tweet something like, 'My dad has been freed from gravity now.'"
"Oh, Twitter. My dad is on it too. He follows and is followed by everyone, so the screen is a mess."
Glancing at Kenichi who was talking with amusement, Subaru sighed listlessly and searched for a topic to talk about. Somehow, he found a topic different from the one on the bank earlier――and once again, his skull began to creak.
Although she felt uneasy about the headaches which were gradually becoming shorter and shorter in intervals, she stubbornly ignored them, feeling as though she was reacting weakly.
"...It took so long to get a drink from the vending machine, did something happen?"
"Huh? It's not a big deal. I went to the vending machine and there was a high school girl there who seemed to be skipping school. I told her to go to school, bought her a drink, exchanged email addresses with her and sent her off."
"I can't believe you managed to exchange email addresses in such a short time."
Subaru was speechless at the skill with which he obtained the email addresses of high school girls as if he had just stopped by the restroom. Kenichi tilted his head and said, "Really?"
"I'm sure they'll give you their email address right away. My phone's address book has almost triple digits of high school girl addresses in it."
"Even if I add everything up, my numbers are only in double digits, but just with high school girls, it's in triple digits, it's literally in a different league… Dad, you're not going to get in the newspapers with some bad association with a high school girl, are you?"
"What are you talking about?"
Kenichi raised his hands in response to Subaru's concern, then shrugged his shoulders in an exasperated manner,
"I don't get horny over some brat like a high school girl. I've already decided where my love is going, so I don't lust after anyone other than my family."
"If you categorize it like that, even I would be included!"
"...Well, there is love after all. Maybe there's a chance?"
"No way! What are you talking about?!"
Subaru's yell made Kenichi laugh out loud once again.
His catchy laugh is vulgar, yet somehow it doesn't offend people. In fact, that's true of all of Kenichi's actions.
There is no doubt that all of their actions are somehow unconventional, over the top, over-the-top, and shocking, yet for some reason everyone accepts them favorably.
I realized this today when I went for a walk with my father for the first time in a while.
Just walking down the street, the number of times Kenichi has been spoken to by people is countless on one hand. Wherever he goes, there is someone with whom he can reminisce, and even with people he meets for the first time, he easily and casually deepens friendships with them. And he doesn't hide this fact.
Subaru's breathing gradually became rougher as a result of the throbbing pain in his temples.
The sharp headaches were no longer coming closer together but were intermittent.
The pain, like needles piercing the inside of your skull, is not the kind of thing that will go away if you leave it alone, but it's not something that can be fixed by going to the hospital either.
Even if I don't know why it hurts, I think I know what causes it.
And sometimes it's the same thing as that oppressive feeling in your chest, that suffocating sensation.
"You look unwell, Subaru. If that's the case, I'll give you a piggyback ride back to the house."
"I don't need to be carried, and you don't have to come back. ...Even if I come back, we'll be together."
In fact, Subaru's condition worsens with his mother, Nahoko, at home.
I'm beginning to understand what this pain is, and what it increases when I think about it. If that's what I imagine, then the pain will be at its most extreme when I return to Naoko with Kenichi. In other words,
"Finally, my own body is giving me a lecture, isn't it?"
Perhaps his body was finally screaming in frustration at the guilt of continuing to run away.
The terror of time as I sat in my room hugging my knees and glaring at the second hand of the clock. Even after overcoming that, I was left with an unrelenting sense of frustration and a sudden, sharp headache.
It was an unpleasant sensation, as if someone somewhere was yelling something loudly from inside his skull, pleading with him right now.
--I don't know who you are or where you're from, but you know something about me.
「Umm, Subaru. --Is there anyone you like?
The topic was suddenly brought up to Subaru, who had remained silent.
The one word he asked me in my room was the beginning of an uninteresting joke. The first time, I was able to respond with a wry smile, but the second time, for some reason, it strangely irritated me.
With the constant headache also helping, I was about to reply in the same bad mood as before.
『--Subaru』
Suddenly, I had the illusion that my heart was stirred by the sound of a silver bell coming from somewhere.
"--fart?"
He raised his head and searched for the source of the voice whispering in his ear, but no matter how much he looked, he couldn't find the owner of the voice, and the only other person in the park besides Subaru was Kenichi, standing directly in front of him.
Kenichi, too, raised his eyebrows in surprise at Subaru's sudden head movement,
"What's wrong? You look like you've just been called by your name by a beautiful girl who isn't supposed to be there."
"That's exactly right, I can't say anything back... Didn't someone call my name just now? Dad, you haven't mastered the voice tone of a beautiful girl yet, have you?"
"Dad has a lot of little tricks, but I haven't mastered them yet. Ok, I'll practice them until the next time, so ask me again in about a month."
"It's not a joke… Really, what is this?"
Subaru averted his eyes from his father's words, which seemed to take the sting out of him, and let the voice from earlier reverberate in his mind. The silver bell's voice was incredibly gentle, but it struck Subaru with a warmth that was enough to make him forget the intermittent headache that had been plaguing him for just that moment.
A voice of salvation from somewhere unknown―― The goddess's beautiful voice eased Subaru's headache, and the stern expression faded slightly. And, as Subaru began to calm his breathing,
"So, what about that question from earlier? Is there a girl you like?"
"...What's with that all this time? What do you want to achieve by asking that? Even if he was there, he wouldn't know even if I told him his name."
"You never know. Maybe the address of the girl you like is in my phone?"
"Even if you like a girl, if you give your email address to my dad, your love of a hundred years will cool off."
After he said that bluntly, Kenichi pouted and said, "What's that?" Seeing this behavior that doesn't suit a middle-aged man, Subaru gulped down the rest of his cola in one go.
"There's no need to beat around the bush. Just ask frankly... Why aren't you going to school?"
"People are being unusually considerate, but my son can't read the situation."
Kenichi gave a wry smile at Subaru's words, but continued, "Well,"
"That's the story I really wanted to tell you, so you're not wrong."
"I don't think it's bad..."
"There's no need to think that. I vaguely think that it's something that has to be thought out, and even if it's something that's not thought out, I can't help it to a certain extent and just overlook it."
As Subaru looked away and made a small excuse, Kenichi finished his own Coke and sat down next to him on the bench. The wooden bench creaked, and the wind blew between the two of them.
While looking in the same direction, without seeing each other's faces,
"I don't know about the general public, but I don't think school is everything. Besides, if you say that, I didn't really go to school seriously either. I even skipped my high school graduation ceremony and had my sister bring me my diploma later."
"I've heard that story many times. My aunt, who is two years younger than me, went to the same school, so when she graduated, she got my dad's share as well. I'm sick of hearing that."
"Well, you should listen to it while you're at it until you make squid. That's the kind of person I am, so if you don't want to go to school, you don't have to. At this age, I sometimes think that it was a waste not to go to school seriously, but I don't think you understand that yet."
Kenichi looked off into the distance. Catching a glimpse of his serious profile, Subaru thought to himself that his father was indeed a coward.
Although he usually shows off his innocent side, in a situation like this it makes you wonder where he has left his clownish side.
"Isn't it okay? Nowadays, the average human lives for about eighty years. With eighty years left, it doesn't matter if I waste a year or two. If I'm young, I can make up for it somehow. Luckily, I make a decent amount of money."
Kenichi makes a ring with his fingers and smiles lewdly.
Without even noticing Subaru, who hadn't responded in a single word since, he crossed his arms and nodded several times,
"In life, you're bound to come across problems that don't have an answer. When I come across such a problem, I move around until I find the answer, but maybe rolling around in a room is also a way to find the answer. I won't complain as long as you're worried about it. But once you start to give up, I might start interfering."
"...why"
"Yeah?"
"Why did I suddenly feel like talking about this today? ...It's not like this is a special day or anything. Today is just Green Peas Day."
"Because I put a whole plate full of it."
I had just finished drinking a Coke and my mouth was quickly becoming dry.
Subaru was breathing heavily, waiting impatiently for an answer to his question. Seeing Subaru's impatient state, Kenichi tilted his head and said, "Hmm."
"I wonder why. I happened to have the day off, and the idea occurred to me in the middle of my morning dry skin rub, and Aquarius was in top form in my morning horoscope, and your face this morning... why did you look so slightly better than usual?"
"Is your face better?"
"I'm talking about his face. His face is the same as always, only his eyes resemble my mother's and he has a villainous look."
"No, that's not it," Kenichi said, pulling the corners of his eyes up with both hands, and then pointed the fingers he had been using to make that funny face towards Subaru,
"Whatever happened, he didn't look like someone who'd just been holed up in his room. According to my mother, he didn't seem to have gone out yesterday either, so he should have just been someone who'd been holed up in his room."
"...Well, that's what it should be. I was sailing out into the vast ocean of the internet though."
"If that's how it works, then the number of lost female sheep who confide their worries to me on Twitter should only decrease, not increase…"
"You've even done things like that..."
While marveling at the size of his father's hands, Kenichi's gaze did not allow Subaru to shy away from the main subject.
On the other hand, it is also true that Subaru doesn't quite get what Kenichi is saying.
In fact, just as his mother's testimony had shown, Subaru had been wasting time yesterday, indulging in laziness, just like he had been until then.
I was just spending the day like that, but suddenly today the mood changed.
"Either it's just my dad's imagination or he's misunderstanding me, or he's not really paying attention to me."
「That last one especially pierced me! Even with this, I still have your lovely devilish smiling face from when you were a child set as the wallpaper on my phone, you know?」
"I don't like the word 'lovely,' but when you add 'devil,' you can sense the evil look in his eyes that he's had since he was a child."
Either way, there's no doubt that Kenichi's words were misguided.
Yesterday was yesterday, and today is today. Subaru passes the time with nothing changing.
I think that's fine, and I intend to keep doing that. If I keep doing that, I'm sure one day Kenichi and Naoko will realize it too.
ーーWhat does Subaru truly wish for?
"--Zzz!"
At the moment he thought that, Subaru was hit with a pain so strong that it seemed as if sparks had gone off in front of his eyes.
The impact was so strong he thought someone had actually hit him. Subaru was blinded by the creaking sound of his skull, as if his brain was trying to jump out, and he lost his balance in his seat.
My heart started beating faster again, and the sound of my blood flowing through my ears became clear. Everything in front of my eyes became blurry, and the world blurred and split into two and three.
A rising sense of nausea and an unidentifiable source of heat asserting its presence from deep within my chest.
Each one of them tormented Subaru in their own way, and they screamed out as if pleading for something.
"Oh man, that looks really tough. Are you okay, Subaru?"
Apparently my condition was too much for Kenichi to bear, and he put his hand on my shoulder with a worried look on his face. I somehow managed to raise my head at the touch, and with sweat on my forehead,
"Oh... no, I'm fine. I just felt a bit dizzy..."
『--That was tough.』
"--!?"
Once again, the silver bell's voice vibrated in his ears, making Subaru's whole body goosebumps.
A voice filled with affection and compassion. A voice that melted his tense heart, directly interacting with Subaru's suffering, the pain, the creaking, the heat all at once muting his cries.
What is this voice? Why is this pain and suffering being dismissed by it?
I feel like I know this voice. I feel like I've been searching for it all this time. Yearning and yearning, chasing and chasing, clinging to it, letting it go, but getting it back again.
"Thank you, Subaru."
"you..."
The image of her silver hair dancing in the wind was burned into the back of his eyelids. The glow of her amethyst was staring straight into Subaru's face, and every word that came from her lips was filled with love.
"For helping me."
What, what, what, what, what is this?
Who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's.
--Is this child the cause of my suffering? Is it this child's fault that I'm being hurt, that I'm in pain, that I feel like throwing up?
『--Subaru』
My breath hitches. My throat feels hot. Something is building up behind my eyes.
『There's no other way.』
My fingertips are trembling, my legs are weak, my throat feels tight as if my lungs are spasming.
『Subaru always tries to cover things up like that...』
Covering his face with trembling hands, trying to hold back sobs with a twitching throat, the heat welling up inside him spilling from his eyes, Subaru――
"Why are you helping me?"
The answer was already within me now.
The moment he found it, all of the discomfort that had been swirling inside Subaru disappeared.
The creaking of his skull, the rising urge to vomit, the dizziness that made the world blurry, the pounding of his heart urging him to make a choice, all of these converged as if guiding Natsuki Subaru.
I raised my face and wiped away the tears that were threatening to spill over with my sleeve.
He stares at his wet sleeves, then turns his wrist and clenches his fist, shaking off the last traces of tears that remain there. And then,
"I'm sorry for worrying you. I'm okay now."
"Really? I'm glad you've calmed down, but don't worry too much."
"Yeah, sorry. Also, about that question from earlier."
Subaru released his father's hand from his shoulder and turned towards him.
As they sat next to each other on the bench, Subaru looked up at his father's face. Now that he thought about it, even though they had exchanged words many times today, he had never once looked him straight in the face like this.
Subaru looked at his father, who was chuckling bitterly at his own weakness and wondering why he had run away even in such a situation, and said,
"--I've found the girl I like. So now, I'm fine."
With the silvery image burned into his eyelids, Natsuki Subaru resolved to face his past.