It began, as most catastrophes in Rei's life did, with an ominous ding.
He was sipping lukewarm tea, hiding in a laundry basket, trying to escape yet another "shared breakfast cuddle proposal" session from Lucivella. The last time she'd made him toast, it had his face toasted onto it. Not drawn. Burnt into the bread. With shading.
The ding was followed by a glowing system window that hovered in front of him like a smug waiter at a disaster buffet.
[System Notification: Congratulove-tions! Emotional Pressure Level has reached 999999+! Initiating SYSTEM EVOLUTION.]
[Updating core personality... complete.]
[System Personality Mode Unlocked: Passive-Aggressive Sarcastic Romantic Guidance AI 3.0]
"Oh no," Rei whispered, sinking lower under the pile of embroidered underthings.
[System: Oh yes, sweetheart. You've ignored every warning, dodged seventeen marriage proposals, and faked your own death twice. But it's okay. We're not mad. Just disappointed.]
Another window popped up with a theatrical sparkle.
[New Mission: Survival Marriage Protocol Engaged!]
[Dear Rei, you have exactly 0.0013 seconds of emotional stability left. As such, the System humbly (and sarcastically) presents your only three options:]
1. [Marry all five girls simultaneously and let fate (and possible homicide) sort it out.]
2. [Flee to the Abyssal Wastes and live as a mushroom hermit. Survival chance: 1.8%. Death by slimewolf: 86%. Death by loneliness: 12%.]
3. [Do absolutely nothing. Let your next sneeze trigger a cosmic engagement. We'll let the stars choose your bride. Good luck sneezing near the Demon Queen.]
Rei stared. Blinked. Then slowly whispered:
"…I choose option four. Hide and cry."
[System: That was not on the menu, but we'll allow it. For comedy.]
Meanwhile, outside Rei's temporary hiding hut made of laundry and failed dreams, the five yandere queens of his life were in the middle of another Treaty of Emotional Destruction.
Lucivella was currently drawing wedding diagrams in blood-red lipstick across the marble floor.
Rosette had set up tactical bear traps around the corridors labeled "Rival Bait."
Lilia was sewing "Rei Ever After" into a five-meter wedding veil.
Drakana had begun forging a molten wedding ring inside the duchy's fireplace.
And Seraphina—bless her sun-obsessed, perfectionist heart—was hiring a royal choir to scream Rei's name in harmony during "vow hour."
Each girl was convinced the others were merely "supporting characters."
Each was also aware the System had gone full reality TV producer.
And so, during a temporary truce (enforced via magical duct tape and breakfast bribes), they stormed into Rei's room to deliver an ultimatum.
They kicked open the door together, striking synchronized poses.
Rei, mid-sip of tea while hiding under the desk this time, choked.
Lucivella's eyes gleamed. "Rei~ You have three choices. Just like the System said."
Rosette smiled sweetly. "We can share you. For now."
Seraphina lifted a scroll. "Or we can conduct a series of moral, fair, gladiator-style bridal battles."
Drakana flexed. "Or I lick you again and claim blood pact rights. Old rules apply."
Lilia held up a wooden coffin. "Or I take you home in this."
Rei slowly slid under the table.
[System Notification: Would you like to install "Courage.exe"? (Recommended for escaping women with swords.)]
"I'd like to uninstall life," Rei whispered.
Later that night, Rei called an emergency strategy meeting with the only rational being left in his life: a mop with googly eyes he'd named Sir Mopsworth.
"I can't marry them all. I'll die."
Sir Mopsworth stared silently. Supportive. Judging.
"I can't flee to the Abyssal Wastes. I'm allergic to mushrooms. And cold."
Sir Mopsworth said nothing. Loyal.
"And if I sneeze near Lucivella, she might tattoo 'YES' on my face."
The mop remained quiet. Brave.
Rei sighed. "Sir Mopsworth, I'm doomed."
[System: Correction: You're dramatically doomed. It's funnier that way.]
[System Suggestion: Why not try being honest? You know, like a protagonist with emotional maturity?]
"…You're not funny."
[System: Neither is your survival chance.]
By the time the next morning rolled around, the palace was bustling with pre-wedding chaos. Florists were fighting blacksmiths. The temple bells had already rung twice by accident. And five separate wedding cakes were being stored in the royal vault under heavy magical guard.
Each cake was exactly the same height as Rei. Coincidence? Doubtful.
Rei had tried to hide in one.
Now he had frosting in places that would traumatize frosting forever.
He stumbled into the throne room, frosting-coated, slipper-wearing, and emotionally unstable.
And that's when it happened.
He sneezed.
Time stopped.
A soft breeze fluttered through the stained-glass windows.
The girls froze in unison, eyes wide.
The System hummed.
[System Alert: SNEEZE DETECTED. DESTINY CHOICE ENGAGED.]
[Analyzing proximity of all potential fiancées... calculating fate vectors... triangulating absurdity...]
[Congratulations! Based on sneeze trajectory, cosmic pollen flow, and emotional desperation—REI IS NOW LEGALLY MARRIED TO HIS BED.]
There was a moment of stunned silence.
Then Eris appeared in a puff of glitter and chaos.
Wearing a tuxedo.
"CONGRATULATIONS!" she shouted, tossing flower petals and jellybeans. "You're now spiritually bound to your nap zone! I now pronounce you husband and furniture!"
Rei stared at her, broken.
"I sneezed. Why would you make me marry a bed?!"
Eris shrugged. "System says fate demands comfort."
The five girls all turned, slowly, ominously.
Lucivella: "You married... a bed?"
Seraphina: "Is that your way of rejecting all of us?"
Rosette: "Should I be jealous of the pillow?"
Drakana: "I can duel the blanket."
Lilia: "Do I need to burn the mattress?"
Rei whimpered.
[System: On the bright side, your bed won't stab you. Probably.]
[New Mission Unlocked: Cuddle All Wives Before Midnight or Trigger Cold Shoulder Apocalypse.]
Eris began selling popcorn from a floating stall labeled "Wedding Panic LIVE."
"I love this show," she whispered, recording everything with her divine phone.
That night, Rei was buried under five passive-aggressively applied blankets. One from each girl. Each one embroidered with possessive love notes, magical runes, or ominous threats.
The System hummed cheerfully.
To be continued…