The sun over the Velvet Kingdom rose with theatrical sparkle, as if the heavens themselves had RSVP'd to the greatest catastrophe since the Great Dragon Pancake Festival Explosion. The palace was no longer a palace. No, it had become something... worse.
It was a Mega Wedding Arena.
Flags fluttered with the embroidered crests of five noble houses. Giant magical holograms rotated above the capital, flashing the radiant, slightly unhinged smiles of five brides-to-be. The streets were lined with vendors selling commemorative "I Survived Rei's Harem War" merchandise. Bards had started betting pools on which bride would survive—er, win.
And at the heart of it all, in a golden chamber sealed with 36 enchantments, Rei of House Velvet stared out the window with a face so dead-eyed, pigeons had mistaken him for a statue.
[System Notification: Good morning, Host. Estimated chances of survival today: 0.8%. Optimism Module disabled.]
He didn't blink.
"Sir Rei?" A soldier-knight tiptoed into the room, holding a breakfast tray. "Your daily toast, cut into hearts by Lady Seraphina's express orders."
Rei didn't answer.
"She also said you must eat it with this spoon." The knight held up a tiny, jewel-encrusted spoon shaped like a wedding ring.
Still nothing.
Another guard peeked in. "Um, Lady Lilia requested you wear this black wedding tux today for her... 'surprise engagement ambush.'" He coughed nervously. "It comes with a coffin carriage and a vow-themed sword duel."
Still no response.
Outside the door, someone knocked politely. "Excuse me," said Rosette's cold voice. "Please tell Rei that his personal grooming session with my blade-polishing kit is scheduled in thirty minutes. Or else I'll disassemble the door. And then the doorframe. And then his hopes."
The first knight nodded weakly. "Of course, Lady Rosette."
As the footsteps retreated, Rei finally moved. Just slightly. He whispered, "Why is my life a romance novel written by a sadistic goddess on energy drinks?"
The room answered with silence.
Well—until the System chimed in again.
[System Update: Due to intense emotional pressure, your passive trait "Dead Inside" has leveled up to "Spiritually Decomposed (Tier 2)." Congratulations!]
Rei groaned and slumped onto his royal desk. "System... any good news?"
[System Suggestion: Learn necromancy. Then date your ghost.]
"Not helping."
Meanwhile, across the kingdom...
The streets had become ground zero for the "Wedding Wars." Entire storefronts were draped in banners.
"Team Seraphina: Holy Flame Bride!"
"Team Lilia: Eternal Darkness Wedding!"
"Team Rosette: Sharpest Bride Wins!"
"Team Drakana: Dragon Wife, Best Life!"
"Team Lucivella: Demon Queen or Die!"
Even children were gambling using candy rings, placing bets on which yandere would claim Rei's life—er, heart.
The Velvet King, Rei's father, was last seen attempting to dig a tunnel beneath the palace with a ladle, mumbling, "I didn't raise my son for this. I raised him to die normally."
Back in the Golden Room...
Rei was brushing his teeth with fear-flavored mint when his final guards entered—twin sisters named Merry and Berry.
They were supposed to be neutral bodyguards. Sworn to the crown. Vowed to protect him.
"Sir Rei~" Merry hummed. "Would you like us to help with your tie?"
"Or perhaps brush your hair," Berry whispered. "I brought the enchanted comb you used three months ago. I've been preserving it under a love barrier spell."
Rei backed into a corner.
"You're supposed to be professional!" he squeaked. "Do you not understand what impartial means?!"
The twins looked at each other.
Then Merry blushed. "We're impartial to loving you equally."
Rei almost screamed.
[System Alert: New passive acquired — "Surrounded on All Sides (Romantically)" — Grants +5 resistance to unsolicited affection, -50 to peace of mind.]
He dove under the bed. The guards sighed and backed off, disappointed.
"Fine. We'll be outside," Merry said.
"But call if you need someone to spoon-feed your despair," added Berry.
The door closed.
Rei curled into a fetal position and stared at the golden wallpaper. "Okay. Let's think. Rationally. Realistically. I just need to survive one more day. One day."
[Correction: 14 hours, 23 minutes, and 11 seconds until mass nuptials initiate.]
He whimpered.
[System Notification: Would you like a hug? From me? I'm available.]
"No."
[Understandable. Rejection accepted. Logging emotional injury to sarcasm bank.]
Elsewhere in the palace…
Princess Seraphina practiced her radiant vows while dressed in ceremonial battle armor. "With fire and light, I will burn away your doubts, my beloved. Say 'I do' or I shall duel the concept of hesitation itself."
Lilia was in the crypt-turned-ballroom, standing beside her custom velvet coffin. "He will ride in this carriage. The wedding shall be lit by ghost-lanterns. My vow? 'Till death... and beyond.'"
Rosette stood sharpening her ring collection with surgical precision. "My wedding will include the blood oath ceremony. For love. And clarity."
Drakana punched a wedding cake in frustration. "I practiced roaring 'I do' all night and the cake still trembled. What if he chooses the cake?!"
Lucivella was in the cathedral summoning a soulbound altar made from the tears of rejected grooms. "He'll marry me in hellfire or high water. And I have both."
Back to Rei...
He finally stood up, straightened his robe, and walked to the royal balcony.
Below, the crowd roared. A magical screen lit up showing his face, pale as milk and twice as terrified.
"He's so handsome!" cried a noble lady.
"He looks like he's about to pass out," said another.
"Marriage suits him!"
He waved weakly.
The cheering doubled.
Guards surrounded him like glittering hawks. Magical heart confetti rained from the sky. The sun glinted off the five personalized carriages rolling into the palace, each carved with obsessive detail.
One had dragon wings.
Another looked like a coffin with rose petals and chains.
A third played love ballads whenever it moved.
A fourth had a built-in throne.
The last one... looked suspiciously alive.
Rei took a deep breath.
Then turned to the guards. "Be honest. If I jumped, would any of you catch me?"
They all shouted, "Of course, my Lord!"
Merry added, "And maybe kiss you mid-air."
Rei flopped face-first into the carpet.
To be continued…