Royal Magic Academy, the kingdom's most prestigious institution, sat like a shining jewel nestled in the hills overlooking the capital. With towers that stabbed the clouds, fountains that sang symphonies, and libraries rumored to contain cursed romance novels, it was a place for the best of the best.
It was also, unfortunately, Rei's next prison.
A long sigh escaped his lips as he rode in the creaky, nondescript carriage toward the academy gates. The morning sun glistened off his hair, making him look like an ideal shoujo protagonist against his will. He wore a modest uniform—brown cloak, dull boots, and a beige cap pulled low to hide his face. He was not here to impress. He was here to survive.
"This time," Rei muttered to himself, "No accidents. No drama. No yanderes. Just a quiet, boring academic life."
The carriage driver snorted.
Rei squinted. "Something funny?"
"Just… you sound like the last guy who said that. He exploded into a rose bush."
"…Ah."
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[System Booting… Loading Student Identity: RAYMOND THE NOBODY]
[Mission: Attend Orientation Without Drawing Attention]
[Reward: +5 Mental Stability. Penalty for Failure: -Sanity.]
Rei stepped out of the carriage. The academy courtyard sprawled before him—marble walkways, levitating gardens, magical crystal lanterns. Students dressed in pristine robes bustled around him. The air was thick with noble arrogance and pheromones.
"Perfect," Rei whispered. "No one's noticed me."
BOOM.
A loud explosion erupted in the sky. Rei flinched and dropped his suitcase. Above the main courtyard, magical fireworks burst in synchronized explosions of hearts, glitter, and glowing text.
"WELCOME HUSBAND ♥"
Another burst followed: "WE MISSED YOU, REI~"
And a third, somehow bolder: "CLAIMING BED RIGHTS AT MIDNIGHT—SIGNED, YOUR WIVES."
Students turned.
Heads swiveled.
Whispers erupted like wildfire.
"Did that just say—husband?"
"Rei? As in… the Five-Times-Betrothed-Madlad of Velveria?!"
"The one from the Duke's estate?! I thought he was a myth!"
Rei looked up at the sky. Then he looked at the universe. Then he looked at the nearest brick wall and considered running through it like a cartoon character.
[System Notification: Stealth Failed. You Are Now The Main Character Again.]
[Title Acquired: "Public Husband #1"]
A girl with curly silver hair and glasses skipped up to him, holding a scroll.
"Delivery for Rei du Sol Velveria! Love letter from Rosette the Silent Stalker. She says, 'You have five seconds to run before the assassination test begins. Teehee~'"
"…What."
BOOM.
A knife embedded itself in the wall behind him—three inches from his ear. A note fluttered off the hilt.
Rei peeled it off with trembling fingers.
"Dear Darling, I love you. Also, duck in three seconds. With all my heart,
– Rosette."
Rei hit the ground just as a flashbomb went off above his head. The crowd screamed and scattered. The admissions officer fainted.
Rei groaned.
"First day. First death threat."
He dragged himself toward the admissions desk, smoke trailing from his shoulders. The magical welcome golems were short-circuiting from heart-shaped confetti clogging their gears.
Behind the desk sat an elderly elf with a long mustache braided into a pretzel. He blinked.
"Name?" he asked.
Rei straightened and tried to sound as dull as possible. "Raymond the Nobody."
The elf checked the scroll. Then did a double take.
"Ah. Room 001. Special accommodations."
"…Why?"
"Because five noble ladies requested anti-harem wards and perimeter traps. Also, you're apparently registered as married six times over."
Rei's eye twitched. "Six?! Who's the sixth?!"
The elf tapped the scroll. "A vampire duchess named Velveria sent a note. It just says, 'He's mine. I don't care what the paperwork says.'"
Rei stumbled through the dormitory hallway like a man marked for death. Portraits of past headmasters lined the walls, each one more horrified than the last.
"Room 001," he muttered. "How bad could it be?"
He opened the door.
And promptly stepped into a trap circle. His shoe caught a string. Glitter bombs exploded, showering him in sparkles. His clothes caught pink fire. A nearby closet burst open—revealing Seraphina, dressed in her holy school uniform, holding a purification staff.
"Surprise blessing, my husband!"
He screamed.
A holy aura engulfed him. His hair frizzed. His ears rang. His socks disintegrated.
"SERAPHINA?!"
She tackled him with a smile brighter than divine judgment.
"You thought you could enroll without telling me? I smelled your soul signature the second you entered the gates!"
"I was undercover!"
She hugged him tighter. "Now you're under me."
[System Alert: +1 Holy Affection. -10 HP. Internal bleeding detected from holy glomping.]
Rei wheezed as another knock came at the door.
He dragged himself up and opened it—
Drakana stood there, her uniform already in shreds from her wings punching through the fabric. Her arms were crossed. Her tail twitched.
"Where is my welcome hug, mate?"
Rei screamed again.
By nightfall, Rei had received the following:
A death threat from Rosette (delivered via ghost pigeon).
A surprise love song serenade from Emilia (which caused four girls to faint).
A blood-signed contract from Velveria (written on bat wings).
And a formal invitation to join "Wife Faction A: Lilia's Divine Conquest Club."
He sat in bed, hair singed, heart rate unstable.
[System Notification: Congratulations! You've Survived Day 1]
[Bonus Mission Unlocked: "Avoid Poisoned Pudding Tomorrow"]
[Achievement Gained: "Surprise Polygamy Orientation"]
[Mental Stability: -12]
Rei groaned and flopped face-first into his pillow.
"Why do they even have a Royal Magic Academy if no one learns anything?"
His closet rattled.
He blinked. "No."
The door creaked open. Rosette's red eyes glowed in the dark. She was upside-down on the ceiling like a spider, smiling faintly.
"Sweet dreams, husband. I'll be monitoring your breathing tonight."
Rei's soul left his body.
[System Update: New Sleep Mode Activated — Paranoia Edition]
[You may now attempt to dream without dying. Good luck.]
To be continued…