It began, as all disasters did lately, with an innocent smile.
Rei had just settled into his hard-won corner desk in Classroom 2-S of the Royal Magic Academy, his chair still charred from last week's "Love Hex Midterm," when Emilia waved at him like an actual sane person. Her soft brown hair bounced with each step, her sunshine-bright eyes sparkled like she hadn't considered murder before breakfast, and worst of all—she carried a neatly wrapped bento box.
"Good morning, Rei! I made you lunch!" she said, placing the box on his desk.
The air temperature dropped by ten degrees. Somewhere in the courtyard, a raven cawed ominously.
Rei blinked slowly. "Why...?"
"Because you looked tired yesterday," Emilia said with an earnest smile. "I thought you could use something sweet. You've got dark circles under your eyes—have you been sleeping okay?"
Sleeping? Oh right, that thing normal people did when they weren't dodging assassination attempts from their overly affectionate wives. Rei offered a nervous chuckle and cracked open the box.
Inside: fluffy omelet rice, arranged into the shape of a smiley face. A small flag poked from the top, reading: Ganbatte, Rei-kun! ❤️
[System Alert: Foreign food item detected. Scanning for poisons…]
[Scan complete. Threat level: 0]
[Threat level of gesture: 999+]
[Warning: Emilia's Affection Score has risen.]
[System Alert: Target "Emilia" Affection Score = 37%]
[Yandere Response Threshold = 40%]
[Catastrophe Imminent.]
[Suggested Action: Pretend to die.]
Rei dropped the spoon like it was laced with plague.
"Th-that's… really nice of you, Emilia," he said, glancing nervously toward the windows. No movement. No suspicious shadows.
And then—clink.
A dagger landed on the desk beside the bento box.
"Whoops," Rosette murmured behind him. "My hand slipped."
She smiled sweetly as if she hadn't just tried to casually lodge steel into his spleen.
"I was aiming for the tomato," she added.
"Oh! That's okay," Emilia said, completely unfazed. "Want some too, Rosette-san? I made extras!"
She offered another box, decorated with glittery star stickers.
Rosette's eye twitched. Her hand moved to pull out another dagger—but before she could, a shadow loomed from the back of the classroom.
Lilia, now self-declared Saintess of Sacred Husband Protection, walked forward holding a gold-trimmed parchment.
"I have here," she declared, "a sacred decree that all meals offered to our husband be pre-blessed under the Church of Husbandology. For safety, of course."
"Is this because I made him lunch?" Emilia asked, blinking.
"It's because you made him lunch and smiled while doing it," Lilia replied grimly.
[System Alert: Affection Score Emilia +2 → 39%]
[System Alert: Emergency Yandere Containment Procedures Incomplete]
[Activating Subprotocol: "Panic and Run"]
Rei stood, carefully scooped up the bento, and smiled like a hostage during a news broadcast.
"Thanks, Emilia! I'll… treasure it! Gotta go!"
He ran. Not walked. Ran.
Rei ducked into the janitor's closet—currently his favorite panic room—and slammed the door.
"Okay, okay," he muttered. "Just eat half. Compliment it. Move on. Maybe this won't go nuclear."
He took one bite.
A single tear rolled down his cheek.
"…Damn it. It's actually good."
[System Alert: Affection Score Emilia +1 → 40%]
[ALERT: YANDERE RESPONSE THRESHOLD BREACHED]
[ERROR: CONTAINMENT FIELD FAILURE]
Ding-dong!
The academy's PA system buzzed to life with a shriek of static.
"This is not a drill!" screamed the voice of Professor Gindlefrank, the Arcane Safety Coordinator. "Lock down all magical wards! We have a Category 5 Yandere Cascade in progress!"
Rei dropped his chopsticks.
"Oh no."
A second voice followed—Lilia's—somehow hijacking the broadcast system.
"Attention students and faculty. An unauthorized affection breach has occurred. All Wife Factions, deploy to Sector C immediately. Target: Normal Girl."
Drakana's voice chimed in with draconic fury. "WHO TOUCHED HIS MOUTH?!"
Rei bolted from the closet before it turned into a coffin.
Back in the classroom, Emilia blinked as five magical signatures converged like nuclear warheads with GPS.
Seraphina appeared in a flash of feathers and smoke.
"Emilia. Darling. Dearest. You gave Rei a lunchbox."
"Yes?"
"Why?"
"…Because he looked tired?"
"Do you know how many times I've tried to make him tired?"
"…W-What?"
"Never mind," Seraphina muttered, drawing a sword from thin air. "Suffer!"
"Wait—!" Emilia dodged.
Three desks exploded.
A barrage of enchanted arrows whizzed through the air. A chalkboard levitated and turned into a rotating saw blade. Rosette emerged from the shadows to apply poison to the class hamster, "just in case."
And in the middle of it all, Emilia held the now-empty bento box protectively, shielding it from harm.
"Why are you like this?! I just like cooking!" she shouted.
"Suspicious," muttered Lilia. "No trauma? No blood rituals? Definitely a trap."
[System Alert: Emilia has triggered passive "Normal Girl Aura"]
[Status Effect on Wives: UNNATURAL BALANCE DETECTED]
[Inducing mass hysteria…]
Rei skidded back into the chaos as fire rained from the ceiling.
"Okay, STOP! EVERYONE, PAUSE!"
The classroom froze. Briefly.
He held up the bent lunchbox lid like a sacred relic.
"…The rice was perfectly seasoned."
Five girls looked at each other.
Then at Emilia.
Then at Rei.
Then…
Boom.
The classroom exploded.
(Nurse's Office, Again)
Rei lay bandaged on a cot. Again.
Beside him, Emilia nursed a bump on her head with an ice pack. She looked worried.
"…Rei-kun? Is this always your school life?"
He chuckled weakly. "Only when I make eye contact with people."
[System Notification: Mission Update]
[Emilia Affection Score = 40%]
[Yandere Threat Level: MAXIMUM]
[System Suggestion: Enroll her into the Harem to preserve timeline stability]
"…No."
[System Correction: Yes.]
[New Sub-Mission: Keep Emilia Alive Until Semester Ends]
[Reward: One Peaceful Day. Maybe.]
Emilia smiled.
"I'll make you lunch again tomorrow!"
Rei screamed.
Curtain falls.
To be continued…