Royal Magic Academy, Lunchtime. Cafeteria.
Rei just wanted a sandwich.
He didn't ask for a holy inquisition in his name. He didn't request a mock trial of innocence or the crowd of over two hundred chanting cultists wearing robes stitched with little hearts and the words "Blessed is He Who Breathes" embroidered in red.
And yet, here he stood on top of a cafeteria table, flanked by two girls in ceremonial pink plate armor, holding what looked suspiciously like heart-shaped axes.
Facing him, tied to a glowing rune circle made of chalk, string, and shredded lace ribbons, was the accused:
Emilia Gracefield. The new girl. The normal girl.
She had both eyebrows still raised in pleasant confusion.
"…So this is a school tradition?" Emilia asked politely.
"No, this is a heresy tribunal," said Lilia, her eyes shining with zeal and glitter, wearing full priestess robes—white and gold, slit scandalously high on the thigh and covered in glowing magical sigils that spelled HUSBANDOLOGY SUPREME. Her head was adorned with a ceremonial circlet. It was actually Rei's underwear. No one dared to question it.
Behind her stood the full membership of the "Holy Order of the Blessed Rei," the formerly ordinary religious club that Lilia had hijacked three weeks ago and converted into a shrine of romantic obsession.
Rei rubbed his temples. "Why. Why am I involved. Again."
The System helpfully chirped in his mind:
[System Notification: New Event Triggered!]
["Love Cult Tribunal of the Accursed Muffin"]
[Main Objective: Prevent a bloodbath over baked goods.]
[Secondary Objective: Maintain the illusion of being in control.]
[Reward: Temporary Peace Buff (Duration: 0.02 seconds)]
[Failure Penalty: Emilia gains 5% pity affection. Yandere threshold nears.]
"Don't worry," said Rosette beside him, calm as ever. "If Emilia is proven innocent, we'll just exile her to a parallel dimension. Probably."
"That's not better—!" Rei hissed.
"You're right," Drakana snarled from above, sitting cross-legged on a floating platform, arms folded, her tail twitching. "If she's innocent, I say we incinerate the evidence. I volunteer."
Emilia blinked. "Wait, what evidence?"
"You," Seraphina said sweetly, her rapier resting on her shoulder. "You're the evidence. You dared to smile at our husband without prior scheduling."
"You also offered him a muffin," Lilia added gravely, gesturing toward the still half-eaten pastry on the table. "A muffin infused with temptation. We, the Holy Cult of Husbandology, must investigate such a sacrilege thoroughly."
"I just like baking…" Emilia said, visibly trying to process the lunacy.
"Blasphemy!" shouted one of the cultists in the back.
The crowd of students, teachers, and terrified kitchen staff began to cheer, chant, and take notes. Some were betting on how long Emilia would survive. Others were just here for the food. Someone had brought popcorn.
Rei turned to Rosette. "You're supposed to be the sane one."
"I installed three spy runes in her locker and found nothing. That's worse, Rei," Rosette whispered. "It means she's clean. Too clean. No love shrine, no photos of you brushing your teeth from afar, not even a single drop of your bathwater in a vial. Who does that?"
"…Normal people?"
[System Alert: Suspicious Reasoning Detected. Are you protecting the enemy, Host?]
[Reminder: Emilia's Affection Score = 39%]
[Yandere Response Threshold = 40%]
[Catastrophe Level: Mild School-wide Explosion Imminent.]
"Proceed with the trial," Lilia declared, raising her scepter. It was actually a repurposed mop. She called it the Wand of Unshakable Love.
"I move to question the heretic," she said.
"Objection," said Rei instantly.
"Overruled," Lilia grinned. "Because I look cute doing it."
"…Damn it, she has a point," Rei mumbled.
"Emilia Gracefield!" Lilia pointed dramatically. "Is it true that on this day, during the sacred hour of lunch, you approached our dearest husband and offered him baked sustenance without religious permit or romantic contract?"
Emilia blinked. "I… just thought he looked hungry."
GASP.
The entire cafeteria gasped as if she had slapped a baby unicorn.
"You thought?" Drakana growled. "Without a blood pact?"
Rosette clicked her tongue. "So reckless."
"You're either a liar…" Seraphina narrowed her eyes. "Or the most dangerous kind of woman: the normal one."
[System Notification: Danger Level = MAJOR.]
[Warning: Host is now within 1% of triggering "Yandere World War I."]
[Suggested Action: GROVEL.]
"Ladies!" Rei finally shouted, raising his arms. "Please. You can't sentence someone for giving me a muffin! I mean, how insane do we have to be for—"
"She also held your hand," Lilia said solemnly.
The table exploded.
Drakana leapt down, landing with a boom. "WHAT?!"
"Wait wait wait—!" Rei yelped, waving his arms frantically.
"She touched him?" Seraphina gasped. "With unblessed fingers?!"
"No purification?" Rosette whispered in horror.
"I hope she burns," said a cultist in the crowd, now fully invested.
Emilia laughed nervously. "It was just to steady him after he tripped…"
Rei, full of regret, tried to defend her. "Technically she helped me not fall face first into a magical trash chute."
"Trash would have been safer," Rosette muttered.
Lilia turned to the cult. "Let the verdict be cast."
[System Alert: Emilia Affection Score = 40%]
[Yandere Response Threshold REACHED.]
[Emergency Scenario Triggered: "HERESY PURGE — LEVEL: LUNCHTIME APOCALYPSE"]
[Countdown to Bloodshed: 10… 9… 8…]
Rei exploded into motion.
"TRIAL'S OVER! EVERYONE GET MUFFINS!" he shouted, hurling an entire basket of identical muffins into the air like some deranged pastry fairy.
The students screamed in delight.
The cultists paused.
Even Lilia hesitated as a chocolate chip muffin hit her in the forehead.
"…Are these hers?" Rosette asked.
"No! I made them!" Rei lied.
[System Notification: Bluff Roll — SUCCESSFUL.]
[Your deception has delayed your gruesome doom by 4 minutes.]
Drakana caught a blueberry muffin and sniffed it.
"Tastes like betrayal," she muttered.
"I taste cinnamon," Seraphina said thoughtfully.
Emilia tilted her head. "Wait… did you all just assume I was trying to seduce him?"
"YES," came five voices in unison.
"Oh," Emilia said. "That's oddly flattering."
The entire cult froze.
"She's humble," someone whispered.
"Too humble," another muttered. "It's a trap."
"She's… not even angry," Seraphina said slowly. "Is this… reverse psychology?"
"Is this a normal person tactic?" Rosette whispered, eyes wide.
Rei watched as paranoia spread like wildfire.
"I need a nap," he muttered, sinking onto the floor and taking a muffin hostage with him.
[System Notification: Event Status — Resolved]
[Congratulations! You survived the Love Cult Tribunal (Barely).]
[Bonus Reward: Muffin of Temporary Sanity (+2 resistance to yandere shenanigans for 10 minutes)]
[Note: This reward will expire if eaten near any jealous fiancées.]
[System Advice: Transfer schools. Or countries.]
As lunch finally ended and the mob dispersed, Emilia sat down next to Rei once again, seemingly unfazed.
"You have… interesting friends," she said.
Rei, face down on the table, groaned.
"I have five magical emotional nuclear bombs disguised as girlfriends."
"Oh," she said brightly. "That explains a lot."
"…You're taking this well."
"I was raised by assassins," Emilia said casually. "You get used to cult behavior."
Rei stared at her, horrified and impressed.
The System chimed in with cheerful dread:
[System Alert: Emilia Affection Score = 41%]
[Yandere Intelligence Network Activated.]
[All five wives now suspect Emilia is not a civilian.]
[Incoming Threat Level: UNKNOWN.]
[Recommended Action: Pretend to be unconscious.]
Rei did exactly that.
To be continued…