Riches. Love. Freedom. Those are the dreams of many. Wishes that they'd give their life for. But me? All I've ever wanted , was a stab in the heart.
Below the neck on the left side of the chest is where the very single organ that holds our life threads together exists, our heart. Is it wrong to wish for the very thing that defines our existence both physically and mentally to disappear? After all , I'd like to think we shouldn't be alive in the first place. Torment day in and out. Is life really truly worth ling even after much suffering?
All these thoughts consistently flooded through my brain, a never ending process that would not stop no matter how far I ran to escape. However,in the end, it was one of these single little thoughts that saved me from my existential crisis. My lovely vivid imagination of you.
You , who I created with my thoughts. You whom I put my dreams and wishes into, those which made me a whole. You who I could never forget even during my times of elation. You,who I envisaged to stab me in the heart.
Riches. Love. Freedom. What use are all of these selfish desires in the afterlife? The afterlife where your shackles of burdens are taken away and your desires have dispersed. Nothing else matters once you are at peace in deep slumber, never to wake up again. So, why not dream of death? This fragile fantasy that most people never even think of,yet is so close to us ready to wisp anyone one of us away at any time. Isn't it truly a gift in this cruel world? A selfless desire that puts all of our souls at peace when the time comes.
As my detest for living grew quicker by the day , my vulnerabilities emerged from within my deepest darkest desires, longing some form of acknowledgment for my suffering. Through these treacheries my burdens and agonies chiseled away at the thoughts in my mind. From within those aching distortions emerged you, my creation.
Jet-black hair waving delicately under the moonlight.Dark blue eyes that electrified me with life.A gentle smile that shone brilliantly in the dark. Sought out by preference and ideals, you became a vivid dream that was constantly on my mind.
With a knife in your hand you'd stab me over and over again, countlessly thrusting it's sharp tip into my chest, each time more violent than the past on my command. Despite my please, the one request I asked of you was much too unreachable for you, the fiction of my imagination. My wishes went unheard by you causing despair and regret as they flew over your head,slowly increasing my desperation and detest towards you.
Sharing my sins,beliefs and wishes you made your way into my heart and protected me from my plights.With all that I weighed you down with, how could I ever ask more of you? Yet I constantly tormented you with my selfish unattainable desire and silently despised you for not accomplishing it .
My hatred towards you grew larger each day to the point that it consumed me a whole. I lashed out at you selfishly and yet hypocritically expected you to comfort me during that time of need . Only through this never-ending repeated process did I come to realize the truth. The problem was never you, it was me.
I used you as a scapegoat to run away from my troubles which blinded my view overtime as I hounded you. I had soon forgotten that the resentment I felt was never directed towards you in the first place. It was the dissatisfaction that I had for myself, the bitterness for my weak fragile-hearted cowardly self.
Craving the end of my life yet too weak to end it,or rather too afraid. This little wish of mine that I had deemed as unreachable was so close to me yet the reason for why it had not been achieved yet was all due to my own cowardice. The more I thought about it,the more my eyes opened to the truth that was lying right before me. Death was never my desire, you were.
Meaning.Understanding.Purpose. These were the desires of those who had no hope to carry on living. These were the desires of mine(these were my desires? Which sounds better) . You whom had cared and loved for me ,you who were just a mere figment of my imagination were created not to kill me but to save me. You lent me a listening ear as I rambled on about my life and gave me the strength to continue on living. All I wished from you was to give me meaning to life and save me with your comfort and exactly that is what you did.
With a whole life ahead of the inexperienced me, I looked back at the guidance and love you had showered me in as a source of courage and sprightliness. It was time to move on from you ,my first true love (u can guess if it's sussy or platonic😏) and face this world on my own even . Even during hardships I won't wither into depression like I had previously done. Life is is to be cherished. After all, it was you who you saved me with your heart,that taught me this.