The Royal Magic Academy's student council had survived goblin raids, interdimensional portals, and a spontaneous outbreak of lycanthropy during last semester's full moon mixer.
But nothing had prepared them for the Five-Wife Incident.
Three hours after the "Transfer Student Bloodbath," campus reconstruction spells were already being chanted in bulk by trauma-weary staff. Counselors had been deployed. Sacred wards placed around the infirmary. And Rei… was sitting in the wreckage of his classroom with a blank stare.
He didn't blink.
He didn't speak.
He just sat with a steaming cup of "Calm Down" tea—which, for legal reasons, no longer contained morphine.
"I am not okay," Rei muttered, the mug trembling in his hands. "This is not okay. None of this is okay."
[System Notification: Congratulations! You Have Survived a Full Day of Magical Schooling While Being Targeted by Five Emotionally Unstable Demigoddesses.]
[System Observation: Most protagonists only dream of this level of attention. Stop whining.]
[New System Tip Unlocked: 'Declare Neutral Ground'—Temporarily reduces wife aggression in designated Safe Zones. Terms and Conditions apply. Fireproofing not included.]
"Neutral ground…" Rei mumbled.
That's right. If he wanted to live until lunch, he had to declare a ceasefire zone.
His dorm.
Yes. A sacred, untouched, politics-free zone of peace, sleep, and zero throat-slitting.
Or so he hoped.
Later That Day – Dormitory: Hall of Tranquility (aka The Bomb Site)
Rei stumbled into his dorm, a spacious marble suite reserved for nobility. It was quiet. Serene. Untouched by flame or fang. There were even complimentary slippers by the door, and a little welcome fruit basket with a note:
"To our new noble student! May you find peace here!"
– Academy Housing Staff (currently on sick leave from trauma)
Rei dropped his bag. His shoulders slumped. He exhaled.
"I did it… I made it to safety."
He turned to the System. "Tell me the truth. This is neutral ground, right?"
[System Confirmation: Yes. This location has been marked as a Neutral Zone.]
[Disclaimer: Neutrality will be respected until the first incident of romantic provocation, magical sabotage, or excessive staring.]
[Estimated Peace Duration: 14 minutes.]
Rei fell face-first into the couch.
"I can work with that."
Elsewhere on Campus – Student Council Emergency Meeting Room
Five banners had been raised over the school.
Five… Wife Factions.
Lilia's Faction: "Holy Matrimony Vanguard"
*Motto: "He who finds Rei, keeps Rei."
* Members: Zealots, choir girls, and at least three nuns with bad intentions.
Drakana's Faction: "Burning Bond Battalion"
* Motto: "If he's hot, make him hotter."
* Members: Martial arts students, gym witches, fire mages. Dress code: tank tops and declarations of violence.
Rosette's Faction: "Shadow Veil Society"
* Motto: "We were here before the others. And we will be here after."
* Members: No one knows. Half the students were recruited without realizing it.
Sera's Faction: "Radiant Love Crusaders"
* Motto: "Love is light. Light is blinding. Embrace it."
* Members: Paladins, overly religious transfer students, and that one girl who makes holy grenades.
Velveria's Faction: "Crimson Court of Eternal Claim"
* Motto: "First blood, last kiss."
* Members: Gothic lolitas, drama club, and a suspicious number of bats.
All five factions had declared Rei as their "Sole Sacred Target of Love."
Rei, for his part, was unaware of this.
Because he had just discovered a handwritten note on his pillow.
"If anyone else kisses you, I will set this dorm on fire. Love, Drakana."
(P.S. There's a lizard under your bed watching. Don't test me.)
And then…
The door knocked.
"No," Rei said immediately.
The door kicked itself open anyway.
Lilia strutted in, glowing with sanctimonious pride and fake modesty.
"Dearest husband, your wife has brought purified sheets, candles, and a holy chastity bell to ward off harlots."
Before Rei could scream, the window shattered. A blood mist slithered through.
Velveria appeared with a twirl.
"Too late. I already slept in his bed. Technically, it's mine now by ancient vampire law."
Then came the hiss of hydraulics. A secret compartment in the floor opened, and Rosette emerged vertically, eyes glowing.
"I mapped every hidden passage. This dorm is now under surveillance. Proceed with your declarations."
Sera floated through the ceiling, halo spinning.
"I cast a purity dome on this room. All lustful intentions will be redirected to me."
And then, with an actual explosion, Drakana punched through the wall.
"This is neutral ground? Not anymore!"
[System Warning: The Neutral Zone Has Been Breached. Attempting Diplomatic Negotiation… Failed.]
[System Suggestion: Duck.]
Rei dove under the table just as a glowing holy pillow collided with a vampiric blood-scythe midair.
The dorm erupted into chaos.
Bookshelves collapsed. Sacred relics clashed with demonic sigils. A love letter ignited spontaneously in the heat of battle and exploded into a dozen flaming hearts.
The table caught fire.
Rei crawled toward the pantry.
"System!" he shouted. "Emergency protocol!"
[Activating Emergency Protocol: Emotional Suppression Field – Duration: 3 Minutes]
[System : It won't work, but you can believe.]
A pulse of gray light radiated from the dorm's center.
The girls froze mid-attack.
Eyes dulled. Hearts calmed.
They blinked.
Then—
"...What am I doing?" Lilia whispered.
"...I feel like I've committed three war crimes in under five minutes," Velveria said thoughtfully.
"Only three?" Drakana arched a brow.
Rosette melted into a corner, embarrassed.
Sera clasped her hands. "Peace is the way…"
Rei slowly stood, covered in ash and glitter.
"...We good?"
All five girls looked at him.
They nodded.
And in perfect sync… they said:
"You belong to me."
The dorm exploded.
Fifteen Minutes Later – Infirmary
Rei lay bandaged on a cot. The nurse handed him a clipboard and healing potion.
"Reason for injury?"
"…Declared my room as neutral territory."
She nodded solemnly and wrote 'Idiot' in elegant cursive.
[System Update: Your Dorm Has Been Marked as "Total Loss." Insurance Claim Denied Due to Divine Interference Clause.]
[New Mission: Establish a New Safe Zone. Suggested Options: Haunted Tower, Abandoned Lava Bath, or Pretend You're Dead.]
Rei turned over and groaned into the pillow.
"This school sucks."
[System Notification: Welcome to the Noble Academy of Madness. Population: Yanderes, Idiots, and You.]
To be continued…