It began, as most religious movements do, with a completely deranged woman and a laminated pamphlet.
Rei was just trying to eat toast.
He sat in the Royal Magic Academy's newly rebuilt cafeteria (after Drakana's "friendly dragon sneeze" destroyed half of it last week), nibbling cautiously at a piece of magically-toasted bread that kept trying to lick him back.
"Stop that," he whispered, swatting the sentient marmalade.
Spy-chan, nestled in his lap, vibrated ominously.
[System Warning: Yandere Aura Detected – Code: Devotion Level MAX.]
[Estimated Threat Source: Lilia the 'Pure.']
[Probability of Divine Cult Founding: 99.9%]
Rei looked up. "What do you mean cult—?"
That's when the cafeteria doors slammed open.
A heavenly chorus (provided by three enchanted harps and a choir of brainwashed bunnies) echoed through the room. Light poured in from a magically summoned skylight. Flower petals rained from the ceiling.
And in walked Lilia.
Dressed in flowing white priestess robes that shimmered with holy enchantments and subtle bloodstains, she held aloft a staff made from Rei's discarded toothbrush, now adorned with glowing runes and pink glitter.
Behind her were at least twenty students—all wearing white hoods and carrying hymn books titled:
"The Holy Scriptures of Husbandology: Vol. 1 – His Smile Is My Salvation."
Rei choked on his toast.
"WHAT IS THIS?!"
Lilia raised her arms.
"BEHOLD, MY PEOPLE! HE EATS THE SACRED BREAKFAST! BE BLESSED, FOR THE HUSBAND IS AMONG US!"
[System Notification: You have become the unwilling messiah of a divine order.]
[Title Unlocked: The Crunchy Prophet of Toast and Chaos.]
The cultists dropped to their knees. One tried to lick the floor where Rei had walked.
"I hate everything," Rei muttered.
Earlier That Morning
The Academy's Religious and Philosophical Club was previously a peaceful place. A haven for students to debate ethics, summon low-risk deities, and practice non-lethal enlightenment.
Until Lilia joined.
She came with cookies, charm, and a 700-page treatise titled "Why My Fiancé Is the Only God That Matters: A Doctrinal Analysis."
Within three hours, she'd:
* Converted the club president.
* Banished all non-husband-related scriptures.
* Instituted a 5-prayer-a-day ritual focused on Rei's photo albums.
* Had her followers chant "His Heart Is My Holy Grail" in perfect unison.
By lunchtime, the Holy Order of Husbandology had replaced the religious club entirely.
Their motto:
"One Man. Infinite Love. Daily Sacrifices of Chocolate."
Back in the Cafeteria
Rei backed toward the kitchen doors, shaking his head.
"No. Nope. Nuh-uh. This is blasphemy. I'm not a divine being. I literally spent yesterday arguing with a cursed pillow and dodging explosive love letters!"
Lilia floated over. Yes, floated. Her robes had levitation runes.
"Oh my sweet, humble messiah," she said with pure reverence, "your divine modesty only proves your worthiness."
She held out a new, sparkly pamphlet:
"THE 7 HUSBANDLY VIRTUES: How to Worship Rei Properly."
Rei stared at the list:
1. Admire His Bedhead Daily
2. Offer Fluffy Pajamas as Tribute
3. Memorize All His Sneezes
4. Never Let Him Escape
5. Kiss Spy-chan Goodnight
6. Eliminate Romantic Competition With Righteous Fury
7. Forgive His False Betrayals (Like Hugging a Female Cat Once)
He dropped the pamphlet like it was radioactive.
[System Commentary: This is exactly why we can't have normal school clubs.]
[System Threat Assessment: High. She now controls a religious faction. Do not anger her. Or blink wrong.]
The doors exploded. Again. (They had become bi-hourly casualties at this point.)
Princess Seraphina stormed in, wearing gilded armor over her school uniform, followed by a troop of honor guards with glittering spears.
"Heresy!" she shouted. "This is blasphemy against the Church of Me, Myself, and My Future Husband!"
Lilia narrowed her eyes. "False prophet."
Seraphina sneered. "Deranged cultist."
The cafeteria went dead silent.
Rei sighed. "Here we go again."
[System Alert: Duel of Faiths initiated.]
Spy-chan leapt into Rei's arms and covered his ears.
Magical Duel of Religious Proportions
Lilia conjured a halo of enchanted love letters, each infused with divine fire.
Seraphina countered by unsheathing the "Holy Saber of Sacred Monogamy," which radiated deadly tsundere energy.
Clash. Spark. Chant.
"By the Holy Kiss We Never Had!" – Lilia
"For the Future Wedding I Planned at Age Ten!" – Seraphina
Students took cover behind overturned tables. Magical hymnals detonated like grenades. Love missiles collided with faith-based shields. The pudding station caught fire.
Rei sat in a corner, spooning half-melted ice cream into his mouth.
"I just wanted toast," he muttered.
Spy-chan patted his cheek sympathetically.
[System Reminder: You're enrolled here for peace and education. Mission success rate: 0%.]
Half the cafeteria was scorched.
A new building renovation fund was announced by the headmaster.
Lilia and Seraphina were dragged into separate corners by teachers threatening divine detention.
Rei sat between the remains of two giant magical banners:
"Husband Is Love"
"Husband Belongs to the Crown"
He sighed.
"System, how many more factions do I have to survive?"
[System Estimation: At current pace, at least seven more by mid-semester.]
[Next Predicted Faction: The Secret Rei Cosplay Society.]
[Founding Member: Velveria. Motto: "Become Him to Win Him."]
"…I need a nap."
Spy-chan crawled onto his shoulder and whispered something indecipherable in eldritch fluff language.
He decided to interpret it as encouragement.
Later That Night – Inside the Dorm Shrine
Unbeknownst to Rei, Lilia had secretly rebuilt her altar inside his closet.
Complete with candles, heart-shaped pillows, and a photo collage titled "Moments He Breathed Near Me."
She knelt before it, eyes sparkling.
"Tomorrow, we begin proselytizing. He must be loved... correctly."
To be continued…