Rei woke up to a whisper.
"Blessed be the breath of the Husband…"
His eyes snapped open. Spy-chan—the living pillow planted by Rosette—was vibrating violently beneath his head, its fluff hairs standing on end.
"...May your eyelids flutter with divine rhythm."
The voice was right next to his ear.
Rei turned slowly.
Lilia was kneeling beside his bed, wearing white robes, a flower crown, and holding a cup of chamomile tea with suspicious steam patterns forming the words: "LOVE IS ETERNAL. CLASS STARTS AT 8."
"AHHHHHHHHHHH—!" Rei screamed and bolted upright, smacking his forehead into the floating sermon board Lilia had set up.
BANG.
[System Notification: You've lost 5 HP due to Divine Stalker Impact Trauma.]
[New Buff Applied: Morning Panic (Duration: 2 hours). Effects – Increased dodging, reduced brain cells.]
"You need nourishment," Lilia said calmly, tilting the tea cup toward his mouth. "And prayers. And maybe an annulment of all your flirtations with the cafeteria lady."
"I JUST ASKED FOR AN EXTRA BISCUIT," Rei shouted.
"Blasphemy," Lilia whispered, eyes glowing with gentle wrath.
Spy-chan squeaked and launched itself at her face, giving Rei a brief window to dive out of bed, trip over a stack of "Theology of Thigh Pillows" volumes, and land face-first on the floor.
By the time he reached the central plaza of the Royal Magic Academy, Rei was panting, disheveled, and spiritually 900 years old.
He glared at the sky.
"System. Anything. Just anything normal today. Please."
[System Quest Alert: New Mission Unlocked!]
Rei blinked.
"Oh, come on—"
[System Mission: Avoid Death During Midterms (0/1)]
[Difficulty: Beyond Mortal Comprehension]
[Penalty: Self-explanatory]
[Bonus Objective: Graduate With Sanity Intact]
[REWARD: Peace? Probably not.]
"…I hate you," Rei muttered.
[System Response: ♥]
The Academy had five primary exam phases, each supposedly 'scholarly' in nature. In reality?
It was an intellectual bloodbath.
Professor Slatherhorn, a minotaur with bifocals and a monocle (don't ask how that works), addressed the gathered student body at the exam announcement hall.
"Welcome to the Midterm Assessment Ritual!" he bellowed, accidentally snapping a podium in half. "You will each face three trials: Theory, Application, and Emotional Fortitude!"
A hand shot up. It belonged to a trembling first-year student with an emotional support squirrel.
"Wh-what does Emotional Fortitude mean?"
The professor smiled. It was not kind.
"You'll see."
Trial 1: Magical Theory – The Exam Scroll of Madness
Students sat at desks inside the Anti-Cheating Enchanted Dome. The scrolls unfurled themselves.
Each question pulsed with red ink.
1. Derive the equation for transdimensional portal stabilization using only interpretive dance metaphors.
2. Prove love is real using necromancy.
3. Describe, in graphic detail, how to neutralize a yandere enchantress using only household cleaning items.
Rei stared at the last one.
"...System, are you writing these?"
[System Response: It's called preparing you for life, sunshine.]
Trial 2: Application – The Practical Exams
Students were hurled (literally) into randomized magical challenge zones. Rei landed in what appeared to be a kitchen… filled with animated cutlery.
A knife floated toward him, humming a lullaby.
"Oh no."
[Sub-Mission Unlocked: Survive the Cooking Midterm Without Becoming the Dish.]
Thirty seconds later, Rei was running for his life as a spatula the size of a horse tried to flatten him into a pancake.
From somewhere behind a sugar jar, Drakana shouted, "You look DELICIOUS when you're panicked, Husband!"
He dove behind the fridge.
The fridge ate his left shoe.
[HP: -3]
Trial 3: Emotional Fortitude – The Worst Test of All
Rei stood inside a silent room. A chair. A table. A single sheet of paper.
On the paper, one question:
"List your five happiest moments at the Academy so far."
"…Are you serious?"
[System Evaluation: User is entering Despair Mode.]
[Deploying Coping Mechanism… Loading Playlist: 'Happy Thoughts & Explosive Regret']
He wrote:
1. Found edible toast
2. Hugged a cat that wasn't secretly one of my fiancées
3. Napped alone for 6.2 minutes
4. Watched Seraphina trip on a soap rune
5. Got rejected by a cursed mirror (it was honest)
He handed it in with shaking hands.
Back in the Dorm
Rei dragged himself into his room, where Spy-chan tried to wrap around him like a blanket.
He flopped on the bed.
"Done. Survived. Barely."
[System Update: Midterm Survival Status – PENDING FINAL SCORES]
[Bonus Objective – Graduate With Sanity Intact: Progress – 0%]
He groaned. "How did anyone pass these before?"
Spy-chan burbled sympathetically. Or perhaps mockingly.
The door creaked open.
Velveria, dressed in a cosplay version of his school uniform, complete with a wig and fake freckles, peeked in.
"H-Husband-kun~ Do you want to study together for extra credit? I memorized your voice to recite as mantras!"
Rei screamed and leapt through the window.
[Achievement Unlocked: Window Escape Lv. 3]
[System Bonus: +1 Agility]
Elsewhere Lilia addressed her flock in the Chapel of Endless Affection (formerly a storage closet).
"The Husband has survived the flames of academic trial. Rejoice. Tomorrow, we begin our outreach campaign."
She held up a flyer:
"Join Husbandology – Free Cookies, Mandatory Obsession!"
Next Day – Results Posted
Rei stood at the board with trembling hands.
His name glowed with faint golden light.
Midterm Results:
Magical Theory: C+
Application: B (Somehow)
Emotional Fortitude: F+ (Professor wrote "I felt sorry for him.")
He looked around. The other students were either crying, casting healing spells, or writing wills.
"…Not bad," he whispered.
[System Notification: Midterm Mission – COMPLETED.]
[You have survived the unspeakable. You now qualify for further trauma.]
[New Mission Unlocked: Prepare for the Group Project of Doom.]
Rei faceplanted into Spy-chan.
To be continued…