Keldric's phone cast its holy blue glow across his dim room, the official start to another thrilling Tuesday night ritual. Tonight's sacred scroll? None other than "Reincarnated as a Sentient Puddle, I Conquer the World... Slurp!"
Screen-tapping intensified. His personal record for chapter consumption? About to be SHATTERED. [Omni-Scan] (Completely self-certified, naturally) wasn't just a skill. This was a way of life. Self-taught, self-mastered, definitely deserving of at least an S-ranking.
Puddle-kun's latest adventure consumed his retinas. Science versus cosmic doom. Who knew thermodynamics could be this epic?
"Art," he declared with the dramatic flair of a museum curator. "Pure, bloody art."
The empty room absorbed his wisdom in reverent silence.
The Puddle-kun high crashed into the brutal reality of Tuesday night. Like a deflating balloon. Keldric's sigh emptied his lungs, his soul, probably his will to live. The beanbag beneath him transformed from "legendary hero's throne" back to its true form: "pathetic furniture for pathetic people."
"Welcome back to 'The Keldric Chronicles,'" he voiced to his audience of... zero. "Tonight's riveting episode: 'Man Sits in Dark Room, Contemplates Poor Life Choices.' Tomorrow's thrilling sequel: 'Same Man, Same Room, Now With Added Regret.'"
Gripping stuff. Truly.
His gaze drifted to the collection of posters adorning his walls. Princess Luna, her improbably proportioned figure barely contained by what could generously be called 'armour' but was more accurately described as 'strategic fabric shortage'. Beside her, Flame-Empress Yuki-chan struck a battle pose in her legendary bikini-mail, defying both physics and common sense with her gravity-resistant assets.
"Seriously, ladies," Keldric addressed his silent audience of impossible curves and battle-ready cleavage, as if they were living in the posters. "What's a guy got to do to get Truck-kun's attention around here?! I mean, look at you lot. Living your BEST lives in magical worlds. Fighting demons in impractical outfits. Having adventures..."
He gestured weakly at his dingy room. "And here I am. Tuesday night. Eating instant noodles. AGAIN. Where's my portal? My summoning circle? My convenient traffic accident?! His voice took on a pleading tone. "I'd even settle for falling down a suspiciously deep manhole at this point. I'm not picky... am I?"
The posters, predictably, offered no response. Just their eternal, sultry gazes promising adventures he'd never have.
The silence stretched. Right. Time for Plan B. If he couldn't get isekai'd tonight, he could at least design the perfect protagonist for when it inevitably happened.
Name: Keldric. But cooler. Keldric von Shadowmere had a nice ring. Or Keldric the Dragonborne. Something that screamed MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY!
Right. Backstory. Tragic orphan whose parents were legendary heroes, murdered by the Demon King. Raised in secret by a hot dragon lady who definitely had romantic tension with him. Standard stuff.
Class: Omnimage Sword Saint Death God. Because why limit yourself to one OP class when you could have them ALL!
Stats: Everything maxed. But especially CHARISMA. Had to be irresistible to the ladies.
Special abilities: [Infinite Mana], [Harem King Magnetism], [Legendary Weapon Summoning], [Dragon Transformation (Because Dragons Are Cool)].
The plan was simple. Arrive in fantasy world. Become ridiculously overpowered. Collect beautiful women like trading cards. Save the world. Get a castle. Fill said castle with aforementioned beautiful women.
Foolproof.
Unlike his current, distinctly non-glorious Earthly skill set, which mainly featured [Professional Couch Warming (Grandmaster)] and [Instant Ramen Alchemy (Expert Level)].
His real-life stats? Probably STR: 3 (barely able to open a jar lid), INT: 6 (pure anime trivia and utterly useless facts), and LUCK... well, considering his Tuesday night entertainment options, probably hovering around negative fifteen.
His "epic command throne" decided to join the conversation.
A tiny tremor rippled through it. Subtle at first.
What now? The bloody garbage truck doing midnight rounds? Or is this building finally collapsing from the sheer weight of my wasted potential?
Another shimmy. This one more insistent.
He shifted his weight experimentally. Probably just the ancient plumbing having another existential crisis...
This turned out to be spectacularly wrong.
The tremor escalated. Fast. From polite building hiccups to full-blown architectural seizure. Like someone had grabbed his apartment block and decided to use it as a maraca.
Wait. Hold on. What if... Confusion hit first. The basic human reaction of 'What the bloody HELL is happening to my Tuesday night?!'
But then. Hope blazed in Keldric's chest. What if this is IT?! What if Truck-kun finally got the memo! Or maybe his big brother, Building-Collapse-sama, is handling my case personally!
The violent juddering claimed its first casualty. Princess Luna's poster peeled away from the wall with a mournful riiiip. His phone, meanwhile, had apparently decided this was the perfect moment for an unscheduled aerial tour of his room, disappearing under a cascade of light novels with a defeated thunk.
The main event? Reality itself throwing the ultimate tantrum.
Colours bled. Shapes twisted. His room transformed into a fever dream painted by a particularly unhinged toddler. Everything melted, stretched, or decided physics was more of a suggestion than a law.
Holy SHIT. This is actually it! The Isekai realisation hit him like a freight train. This is EXACTLY how it starts! Abrupt chaos, reality going mental, protagonist gets transported! I'm actually, legitimately getting ISEKAI'D!
His chair fused with the rug. His energy drink cans? Ghosting through solid furniture like they'd unlocked some kind of caffeine-powered noclip mode.
Right. So we've moved from "building shaking" to "reality.exe has stopped working." BRILLIANT.
His computer's death scream pierced the chaos. A digital shriek that sounded like every frozen game he'd ever lost progress on.
Then... Dead quiet.
This is it! This is actually HAPPENING!
Heart hammering. But not from fear. From pure, electric excitement. His body buzzed with anticipation. Finally. FINALLY!
Just like in the stories. The dramatic pause before transport. The moment of truth. This is my GRAND departure! My...
The air suddenly thickened. Pressing down. Breathing became work. Real work.
Okay... This is new. Usually there's gentle floating, maybe some sparkles. Not... whatever this crushing sensation is. Is this... is this how it's supposed to feel?
Hold on. This could be one of those 'trials before acceptance' things. Or maybe... maybe this is just how the premium transport works? Testing my resolve? Seeing if I'm worthy?
He tried to speak. Mouth opened. Nothing came out. Just silent confusion. Wide-eyed bewilderment.
Right. So either this is normal procedure that just wasn't mentioned in any of the stories I've read, or I'm about to become a very disappointing statistic. 'Local Man Dies During Botched Isekai Transport.' Great headline.
Then. The ground beneath him vanished.
Beanbag. Gone. Floor. Gone. Everything solid, familiar, real.
Just. Wasn't. There. Anymore.
One moment suffocating. Next moment. Free fall.
Black void. Endless.
Down. Down. DOWN.
THUMP
Impact. Brutal. Like reality deciding to catch him with a brick wall.
Cool air flooded his lungs. Rough ground scraped his skin. The crushing weight from before? Vanished.
Ughhhhhh...
Right. So. Not dead. That's... great.
Though honestly, for an Isekai transport, this was F@#$ING TERRIBLE! Where's the gentle light?! The mystical portal?! The dramatic floating sequence?!
Instead I get the 'face-plant into dirt' special...