The forest path stretched ahead. Winding between ancient oaks and moss-covered stones. Classic "journey to town" scenery.
Bones practically skipped alongside him. Humming what sounded suspiciously like a superhero theme tune. A tiny steel sword bounced at his hip.
"Isn't this exciting, Hero? Our first real adventure! I wonder what challenges await us!"
Before he could reply [Isekai Intuition] kicked in. Forest setting. Isolated path. Perfect visibility lines for ambush points.
This is bandit territory. Classic RPG encounter zone. Probably got a broken wagon around the next—
"Oh no! A traveller in distress!" Bones gasped, pointing ahead.
And there it was. In all its glory. A merchant wagon. Overturned. Cargo scattered. Wheel broken off and lying dramatically in the dirt.
Called it.
"We must help immediately!" Bones declared, already marching forward.
Keldric grabbed Bones's shoulder. "Hold on. This is textbook Trap Setup 101. Broken wagon by the roadside? That's Bandit Ambush for Beginners."
"Ooh! Classic bandits! Episode 4 scenario! Good catch Hero!" Bones's eye sockets gleamed with excitement. "But Hero! We have you and your mystical artifact! And don't forget about me!"
He drew his tiny sword with a dramatic flourish. Started swinging it around wildly.
"A master swordsman who has slain many dragons!"
"Bones, I appreciate the confidence, but—"
"Fear not!" Bones struck a heroic pose. "According to the sacred texts, this is a perfect early-game encounter! Standard bandit formation, predictable tactics! Together, we are unstoppable!"
"Right. If we're doing this, we do this smart. First, I need weapons."
"But you have the mystical die?"
"The die is for emergencies. I need backup options. Multiple backups."
He started gathering improvised weapons. Tree branch? Decent weight. Good reach. A rock? Throwing weapon or bludgeon. Another branch. In case the first one breaks.
"Hero, you look like you're preparing for war," Bones observed.
"Because I am. When we approach that wagon, they'll surround us. Standard triangle formation. We need escape routes, backup weapons, and a plan."
"Friendship speeches work EXCELLENTLY on bandits!" Bones protested. "Captain Justice converted the entire Skull Gang in Season 3! Though admittedly, that took four episodes and a musical number..."
"Let's have a backup plan..."
They approached the wagon. Keldric with his collection of improvised weapons. Bones with his tiny sword sheethed.
"Hello?" Bones called out cheerfully. "Super Brave, Strong Heroes here to help! Do you need assistance?"
"Now remember what we discussed. Stay alert. Watch the treeline. And just act natural."
"Of course Mr. Hero! My legendary warrior instincts are already scanning for threats!"
"Oh look! Spilled goods!" Bones rushed toward the scattered plethra of suspicisiously layed out goods. "We should gather these up! Return them to their rightful owner!"
"Bones, wait—"
"Fear not, Hero! My centuries of dragon-slaying experience tell me this area is... actually, wait." Bones paused, tilting his skull thoughtfully. "My tactical analysis suggests possible ambush positions in the treeline. Classic bandit formation."
"You can see them?"
"Of course! Episode 4 of Captain Justice! 'The Merchant's Gambit!' Same setup exactly! This is where they spring the trap and demand surrender!"
Keldric kept his weapons ready. Tree branch in right hand. Rock in left. Backup branch under his shirt on his back.
The bushes rustled.
"When they appear, remember—"
"Standard villain introduction protocol! They'll gloat about their clever trap, demand our valuables, then give us a chance to surrender!" Bones nodded professionally. "Very predictable villian behaviour. It's been noted in the sacred texts."
"Your... knowledge might actually be useful here."
"Of course it is! Villains ALWAYS follow proper dramatic structure! Makes them appear stronger and scarier!"
The rustling stopped. Dead silence.
"Bones, Remember how you said we were unstoppable?"
"Yes?"
"Well we're about to test that theory."
The bushes erupted.
Five bandits exploded out. Standard formation. Leader center, flankers left and right. Exactly as predicted.
"Well, well, well!" The leader grinned, showing off a singular golden tooth next to an array of cracked, poorly looked after teeth.
How unique... a bandit with a golden tooth. Like come on. Atleast think of something new.
"Another pair of fools falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
"Ah! Classic bandits! Right on schedule!" Bones struck a heroic pose. "Textbook villain introduction! Now, according to proper dramatic structure, this is where you explain your evil plan and give us a chance to surrender!"
"So let's hear it! We don't have all day, we have a Demon King to kill!"
The bandits paused. Looking at one another. Confused by the skeleton's enthusiastic response.
"Uh... yeah. Right. We're... bandits. This is our trap. Give us your stuff or we'll... kill you?"
Bones's jaw dropped. Literally. Complete with dramatic clatter.
Shaking his head. Picked up his own jaw. Reattached it with skeletal efficiency.
"THAT'S your villain introduction?" He sounded personally offended. "Where's the menacing laughter? The monologue about your tragic past? The dramatic declarations?"
"Right. That won't do at all. Allow me to demonstrate proper bandit technique."
Bones cleared his non-existent throat. Struck a villainous pose.
"AHEM. Foolish travellers! You have fallen into our perfectly crafted web of deception! For we are the dreaded Woodland Bandits of... uh... Bandity Banditness! Your gold, your lives, your very souls shall fuel our dark ambitions!"
He gestured dramatically at the overturned wagon.
"This elaborate trap has claimed countless victims! None who enter our domain ever leave! MWAHAHAHA!"
The bandits stared.
"What the hell is wrong with this skeleton?" One of the flankers muttered.
"Is he... helping us rob people?" Another scratched his head. "I'm confused."
"Should we be taking notes?" A bandit whispered. "Because that was... actually pretty good."
"I have no bloody idea what's happening anymore," the fourth bandit admitted. "This was supposed to be a simple highway robbery."
"Look, can we just get on with this?" The fifth bandit groaned. "I've got dinner plans. Martha's making her stew tonight."
"Now," Bones stepped forward professionally, "before we begin combat, have you considered redemption? Career change? The sacred texts suggest most bandits have tragic backstories that can be resolved through friendship and understanding!"
The bandits stared.
"Did... did this skeleton just offer us THERAPY?" The leader blinked.
"I think he did," the flanker confirmed. "He definitely mentioned friendship and understanding."
"Is this some kind of joke?" Another bandit looked around suspiciously. "Are we being pranked? Where are the hidden cameras?"
"Maybe he's trying to distract us?" The fourth bandit suggested. "You know, confuse us with weird psychology talk before attacking?"
"But he's so... enthusiastic about it," Martha's-stew bandit observed. "Like he genuinely wants to help us work through our issues."
"WE don't HAVE issues!" The leader protested. "WE are perfectly functional highway robbers!"
"Actually, boss, you did mention that thing about your father never believing in you—"
"SHUT UP, DEREK!"
"Character development opportunities!" Bones corrected cheerfully. "Very effective! Though it usually takes several episodes. Are you prepared for a multi-part story arc?"
The bandits exchanged glances.
"Episodes?" Derek whispered. "What's an episode?"
"I think he means like... chapters? In a book?"
"Do we LOOK like book characters to you?"
"Well, technically—"
"Right." The leader drew his sword. "Kill the skeleton first. He's obviously mental."
"Aw, straight to violence?" Bones sighed dramatically. "No monologue about your evil plans? No explaining why you turned to banditry? Very disappointing villain work, honestly."
The bandits charged.
OH F@#$ HERE THEY COME!
Keldric raised his tree branch. Preparing to take on the approaching bandit.
The first bandit swung a rusty sword. Keldric attempted to block.
CRACK!
The branch snapped in half. Dramatically. Like his confidence.
"SERIOUSLY!?" Keldric stared at the pathetic remnant of what should've been his weapon.
The bandit grinned. Raised his sword again.
Time for backup plan B. Which is... uh...
Throw rock in hand. Hurled it with all his might.
plunk
It bounced off the bandit's forehead.
The bandit blinked. "Did you just... throw a pebble at me?"
"It was a rock!" Keldric protested. "A menacing rock! AND HOW ARE YOU NOT HURT BY THAT!"
Keldric attempted to grab at the stick from his back.
Stuck. Snagged on the inside of his shirt.
This stupid Luck. Why did it have it be 3!?
"HaHahaaa... You don't fancy helping a pal out now would you?"
Meanwhile, Bones engaged his opponent with maximum cartoon enthusiasm.
"BEHOLD! THE LEGENDARY BONE CRUSHER SUPREME TECHNIQUE!"
He swung his tiny sword. With great dramatic flair.
The bandit looked down. Bones's blade barely reached his kneecap.
"Are you... trying to tickle me?"
"I am executing ancient combat forms!" Bones declared proudly. "Passed down through generations of dragon slayers!"
The bandit shook his head. "This is just sad. I'm actually starting to feel bad."
Keldric retreated behind the overturned wagon.
Okay. Tree branch: broken. Rock: pathetic. Backup branch: stuck. Time for that I guess.
His hand went to the die. His only reliable weapon.
But my luck is three. THREE. This could summon a fireball that explodes in my face. Or turns me into a toad. Or both.
"Come out, hero!" The leader taunted. "Time to meet your destiny!"
Who am I kidding. Not like this could get any worse that what it currently is.
Right. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Literally.
Keldric stood up. Dramatically. Die materialising above his palm.
"BEHOLD!" He pointed at the bandit leader. "THE MYSTICAL ARTIFACT OF FATE!"
"I call upon the ancient powers!" Keldric declared. "FIREBALL!"
He threw the die.
Please work. Please work. Please don't kill me.
Everyone in attendance watched. Waiting. Unsure of what to expect.
The die spun. Glowing. Magic crackling.
It rolled.
click click click
And rolled.
click click
And kept rolling.
click click
Come on. Just stop already.
click
"Uh..." The Bandit Leader shifted awkwardly. "How long does this usually take?"
click
"First time using it," Keldric admitted. "So... no idea."
click click click
"Ah." The leader nodded. "Right then."
click
More rolling.
click click
"This is getting weird," muttered one of the flankers.
"Should we... keep threatening them while it rolls?" asked another.
click click
"Feels rude to interrupt a mystical ritual," the leader mused. "My mother raised me better than that."
Are you kidding me? The bandits have MANNERS?
click
"Speaking of which," the leader continued conversationally, "I promised my son I'd take him fishing today. Bob's been looking forward to it all week."
click
"Bob?" Keldric blinked. "Your son's name is Bob?"
click click
"Bob Smith, yes. Why?"
BOB SMITH?! IN A FANTASY WORLD?! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!
click
"Just... curious," Keldric managed. "Nice name."
click
"Thanks. He just turned nine. Absolutely obsessed with fishing lately. Won't shut up about different bait techniques."
"That's... sweet," Keldric said weakly.
I'm having a casual conversation with a bandit about his son's hobbies while my magic die decides whether to save my life. How did I end up in this situation?
click click
"Oh! The mystical artifact approaches its destined conclusion!" Bones announced dramatically. "Behold! The moment of fate!"
click click click
"FINALLY," groaned one of the bandits.
The die slowed.
click click
Wobbled.
click
Stopped.
4
"FIREBALL!" Keldric pointed dramatically at the leader. "FACE MY ULTIMATE POWER!"
A fireball erupted! Blazing orange flames roared to life above Keldric's palm. Crackling with raw magical energy. Heat waves shimmered. Power surged through the air.
For exactly half a second.
Then it shrank. Rapidly. From basketball to tennis ball to marble size. Flames sputtering like a dying lighter.
It drifted forward. Pathetically. About one metre. Wobbling through the air.
Then died with a pitiful poof.
Silence.
Complete. Total. Soul-crushing silence.
Well. That's it. I'm dead. Killed by bandits after producing the most embarrassing magical effect in Fantasy history.
The Bandit Leader stared at the tiny scorch mark on the ground.
"Was that..." he paused. "Was that supposed to be... impressive?"
The laughter started. LOUD.
"THAT'S your legendary magic?" The leader wheezed. "I've seen campfires more threatening!"
"I've seen lighters with more power than that!"
"Hell, I've gotten worse burns from my morning coffee!"
"Wait, wait," the leader wiped tears from his eyes. "Do it again! That was hilarious! Bob's gonna love this story!"
Even Bones looked confused. "Hero? Was that a preparatory incantation? The real devastation comes next, right...? Right?"
Keldric's shoulders slumped. "No. That was... that was it."
Four out of twenty. FOUR. Even with my terrible luck, the universe found new ways to disappoint me.
This is how I die. Laughed to death by bandits named Bob's dad.
The bandits circled closer. Still chuckling.
"Right then," the leader grinned, raising his sword. "Thanks for the entertainment, 'Hero.' Now, about that gold..."
"Actually," Bones stepped forward, tiny sword raised defiantly, "you haven't met ALL of us yet!"