"Actually," Bones stepped forward, tiny sword raised defiantly, "you haven't met ALL of us yet!"
The bandits paused. Looking around the empty forest road.
"All of you?" The leader blinked. "Mate, there's just you and the useless mage."
"Yeah," a bandit added helpfully. "We can count. Two people. That's not exactly overwhelming odds."
Bones's eye sockets blazed with theatrical excitement.
"BUT WAIT!" He struck his most dramatic pose yet. "YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF HEROIC COMBAT!"
"Which is?" The leader asked, despite himself.
"THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!"
"BEHOLD!" Bones raised his tiny sword to the sky with maximum dramatic flair. "I SUMMON... THE GANG!"
Pointed dramatically at the air.
Complete silence.
Nothing happened.
The bandits looked around at one another. Confused. Then burst into laughter.
"That's it?" The leader wheezed. "Your big trump card is... pointing at nothing?"
"Classic desperation!" Another bandit mocked. "What's next? Imaginary—"
CRACK!
A tree branch snapped. Loudly.
Everyone froze.
From the treeline stepped a skeleton in a black tank top reading "Gains 4 Life." Pre-workout bottle in one hand that he proceeded to chug in one go.
A weight bench materialised behind him out of thin air.
"Yo, Bones!" The skeleton called out cheerfully. "Sorry I'm late, bro! Got caught up finishing my meal preps for next week! CHICKEN AND RICE!!"
Spotted Keldric lying on the ground. Professional assessment mode activated.
"Dude, seriously? This is the Hero? When's the last time he hit legs? NEVER SKIP LEG DAY!" Proceeded to do a bunch of bodybuilding poses from the 'Front Lat Spread' to 'Back Double Biceps', and finally to the 'Side Triceps' pose.
A skeleton. Doing bodybuilder poses. While critiquing MY fitness routine?
Without warning, the gym skeleton scooped Keldric up. Plopped him on the bench. Started rapid-fire bench-pressing him.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#$ IS HAPPENING?
"Twenty-seven! Twenty-eight! Gotta maximise this pre-workout activation window!"
"Is... is that skeleton using him as weights?" a bandit whispered.
A second skeleton emerged. Thin-rimmed glasses. Complete business attire. Nose buried in a thick book titled "Advanced Tactical Theory for Beginners."
"Um, Actually," the academic skeleton said without looking up, "the proper technique for bandit ambushes requires accounting for multiple escape vectors—"
Walked directly into a tree.
THUNK
"—statistical analysis suggests a 73.6% failure rate for this particular formation—"
Another tree collision.
THUNK.
A walking stereotype professor who can't see where he's going. Of course. Why wouldn't Bones have academic backup who walks into trees?
The bandits exchanged confused glances.
"Are they... actually mental?" one muttered.
Suddenly, explosive activity erupted nearby. Two tiny skeletons burst through the clearing.
"MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" they shouted, setting up equipment with military precision.
"I SAID MOVE IT FOUR EYES!!!" One knocked the academic skeleton to the ground.
Unrolled a red carpet at lightning speed.
Professional lights placed along the sides.
"Runway is ready!" announced the first.
FLASH! FLASH!
"OI! FOUR EYES! You're in the shot. MOVE IT!!!"
FLASH! FLASH!
Fashion photographers. Tiny skeletal fashion photographers. Setting up a runway show. During an armed robbery. This can't be real.
"What are they doing?" The bandit leader squinted against the sudden strobe lights.
Suddenly.
Time slowed to cinematic perfection.
Eyes snapped to the shrubs. Vision 'zoomed' in.
A skeleton appeared out of the shrubs in dramatic slow motion.
Flowing hair manifested under a superwide brim.
Designer high heels clicking against forest debris.
Tiny skeletal poodle under one arm with a black luxury handbag hanging down.
She strutted onto the red carpet with absolute runway confidence.
The fashion skeleton struck a flawless pose. "We are totally serving 'fantasy forest realness' today!"
FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!
"YES QUEEN! Work it! STUNNING!" The photographer skeletons went wild.
An influencer skeleton. With a tiny poodle. Having a photoshoot. While I'm being bench-pressed.
This is the most surreal moment of my entire existence.
"Life is but a shadow," a mournful voice suddenly declared from right beside the bench.
Keldric let out a high-pitched scream "AhhhHHH"
WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM!?
"A fleeting dream lost in the darkness of eternity..." the voice continued
A fourth skeleton appeared. Black emo haircut with hair covering one eye socket. Black eyeliner. Spiked choker. Ripped hoodie with band patches.
Manifested a guitar, strummed a devastatingly sad chord.
"We are all just dust particles floating in an endless void of meaningless suffering..."
And there's the emo one. Complete with guitar and existential crisis. Bones has assembled a skeleton boy band of... of modern stereotypes.
"Forty-one! Forty-two!" The gym skeleton continued his workout.
"THIS PRE-WORKOUT IS HITTING DIFFERENT TODAY WOOOO!!"
The bandits stood frozen. Watching the impromptu chaos unfold around their robbery.
"Boss," one whispered. "What exactly do we do about... this?"
The leader looked around.
The gym skeleton rapidly benching Keldric while counting reps at lightning speed. "Sixty-three! Sixty-four! DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO!?"
The academic skeleton had manifested a pointy stick and chalkboard. Lecturing the confused bandits about tactical probability. "—and if we examine the tactical variables in subsection C, your formation demonstrates a mere 12.7% efficiency rating—"
The fashion skeleton continued her dramatic photoshoot. Completely uncaring about the armed robbery happening around her runway. FLASH! FLASH! "Yes darling! Give me fierce! Give me fantasy!"
The emo skeleton strummed a chord progression Am - F - C - G. Providing existential commentary to the universe. "We are all just fleeting moments in the cosmic dance of meaningless suffering..."
"I..." The bandit leader paused. "I honestly have no bloody idea."
"EXCUSE ME!" The Bandit Leader finally shouted above the chaos. "WE'RE STILL HERE! AND WE'RE STILL ROBBING YOU!"
Everyone stopped. Looked at him.
"Oh!" Bones perked up. "Right! The bandits! Gang, let me introduce you to our new friends! They're here for character development!"
Bones gestured dramatically at each skeleton in turn. "Meet Chad, our fitness expert! Specs, our tactical analyst! Strut, our fashion consultant! And Linkin, our... philosophical advisor. Better known as just the musician!"
Chad. Specs. Strut. Linkin. Even their names are walking stereotypes. This is Bones's idea of a balanced adventuring party.
Chad finally set Keldric down gently. "Bro, you just interrupted my prime workout session. Do you know how expensive this pre-workout is?! AND IT JUST STARTED KICKING IN!!!"
"The probability of successful intimidation," Specs calculated while adjusting his glasses, "drops to approximately 2.3% when facing numerically superior forces with unconventional tactical advantages..."
Strut completely ignored the drama unfolding around her. This was HER moment!
"In the end," Linkin added helpfully while strumming "it doesn't even matter..."
The Bandit Leader's mouth hung open.
Keldric brushed himself off, finally able to think clearly without being rapidly used as a workout object.
What the f@#$ is going on at the moment!? Where did they even come from!? Did Bones actually use a summoning spell? I thought he was delusional. But here they are. Four skeleton stereotypes ready to... what exactly?
The bandits looked genuinely unsettled. Not by the weapons or threats. By the complete absurdity of everything happening around them.
"So!" Bones clapped his hands together enthusiastically. "Ready to see what REAL teamwork looks like?"
The skeletal gang stepped forward. Each cracking their knuckles in their own distinctive way.
Chad: flexing and popping joints like a professional athlete.
Specs: adjusting his glasses with academic precision.
Strut: Still posing dramatically, completely absorbed in her photoshoot.
Linkin: slow, melancholy knuckle cracks timed to his guitar strumming.
Time for the show.