"Man, I really wanna jack off."
Muttered the short, brown-haired college student as he shuffled down the sidewalk, hands in his hoodie pocket, eyes half-lidded with exhaustion.
It was late. The city lights flickered above him, traffic passed with a hum, and the red crosswalk light glared back in silence.
"College is actual buns," he grumbled. "Professor wants me to write a two-thousand-word Shakespearean essay about how Christopher Columbus clapped half the native chicks. Like, what the hell am I even paying tuition for?"
The light turned green. He stepped into the street, shaking his head with a soft perverted chuckle.
"But whatever. I found this mythic-tier video of an absolute baddie. Bro, I am so ready to bust a fa—"
VVRROOOM.
Headlights.
A truck. Barreling toward him.
He froze, eyes wide in horror as the oncoming truck got closer. Time slowed.
'No! I can't die like this! I didn't even get to watch the video!'
The driver locked eyes with him, just as horrified. They stared at each other, both wearing the exact same "OH SHIT" face.
And then—
THROTTLE.
The truck roared.
The driver screamed.
So did the guy.
And then… everything went black.
Soon, he began to stir. A bright light filled his vision as he opened his eyes.
He found himself in a glowing white palace—columns like Greek marble, water trickling gently down the walls into shallow pools. There was no ceiling, just open sky and drifting white clouds.
Looking around, he gasped. "Oh my goodness… I've been isekai'd." The excitement in his voice was practically trembling.
Ahead, atop a radiant white throne, sat a goddess.
She had long golden hair cascading down in elegant braids, a divine white dress hugging her curves—adorned with gold embroidery, plunging at the neckline and slitted high enough to reveal thick, smooth thighs that made heaven blush. Golden armbands, a gleaming medallion belt, a diadem atop her head. Her eyes glowed like twin suns—intense, alluring.
His jaw dropped. 'Holy divine… she looks just like the girl from the video…'
"Did I just get isekai'd?" he muttered.
"Yes," she replied, her voice soft and honey-sweet. Then her lips curved. "But seriously… you died over porn, Finn?"
She covered her mouth, trying to hold in a laugh. "Wiggles," she added—and broke into full-blown giggles.
Finn clenched a fist. "HEY, don't make fun of my name!"
"Haha—Finn Wiggles?" she wiped tears from her eyes. "Is that really what your parents went with? I can't."
'This chick's a bitch.'
"Yeah, yeah. Very nice welcoming." He crossed his arms. "Now where's the part where I get my overpowered cheat abilities?"
She let out a bored sigh and began descending the steps—her white-gold dress billowing dramatically, divine thighs on full display, her heavenly assets bouncing like they had physics engines installed.
'Oh my divine… she's banging. I want to be reincarnated between those.'
Standing before him now, she snapped her fingers. Glowing golden tablets floated toward him like some holy PowerPoint.
Each one had a title and description:
⸻
Tomato Lord
Grow tomatoes at an accelerated rate.
'What in the Whole Foods hell is this?'
⸻
Curl Master
Instantly makes anyone's hair curly and smooth.
'What the hell is this?! this is some government assistance power system. If I pick this, I'm gonna get a free bus pass, juice box, and a public access commercial at 3am.'
The goddess yawned, utterly unimpressed. "Can you hurry up? My grapes are drying."
'Goddess my ass—she's a full-blown asshole.'
"I just DIED!" he barked. "The least you could do is give me a real power."
"Yeah, yeah," she yawned again. "So sad. Boo hoo. Pick a power before I just send you off."
He kept scrolling—each option worse than the last.
'These powers got me feeling like I qualify for early retirement and a government-issued coloring book. Like I need adult supervision just to pick one!'
"Did you find one yet?" Her voice was bored, her eyelids heavier than his student loans.
Finn snarled, "None of these are good! You expect me to fight demon lords with Tomato Lord? Give me something usable, not lunchable!"
She sighed dramatically. "That's all I've got. Budget's tight this year." With a snap, the glowing tablets vanished. "If you're not choosing, then off you go."
"W-WHAT?!" Finn flailed as the floor behind him shimmered into a glowing magical void. "You can't just throw me into some random fantasy world with no powers! I don't even know if they speak English down there!"
"You'll figure it out." She smiled sweetly. "Most losers do eventually."
The portal's suction began dragging him back.
"WAIT, YOU CAN'T DO THIS—"
She flipped her golden hair. "Of course I can. I'm the gorgeous divine goddess. Duh."
"You BITCH!" Finn lunged forward in desperation, grabbed the hem of her silky divine dress
"W-What are you doing?!" Her voice cracked in disbelief.
"I'm not going alone! If I die watching without watching that porn video, you're getting isekai'd with me!"
She shrieked, stumbling backward. "You can't take me down there! I'm a goddess, not some companion you can take with!"
"Too late!" Finn's grip held strong as he dragged her closer to the swirling void. She kicked him weakly with her bare, glowing feet.
"Oh yeah!" he moaned dramatically. "Step on me harder, you divine Amazon!"
"AAAAHHH! HELP! THIS IS A PERVERTED KIDNAPPING!" she cried, gratefully falling onto her divine ass.
Finn's eyes sparkled. "These thighs were made by angels. And I'm taking 'em with me!"
He latched onto her thigh like a possessed koala. "I didn't get powers or see that god-tier video—I deserve this!"
"YOU ABSOLUTE DEGENERATE!" she screamed as they both tumbled toward the portal.
"I REGRET NOTHING!" he howled. "I'M BRINGING A GODDESS WITH ME AND HER CAKE'S FIRST CLASS!"
And with that, they were both swallowed by the portal—chaos, thighs, and all.
As they plummeted through the sky, the swirling portal snapped shut behind them.
The goddess reached out toward it in desperation, her voice shrieking through the wind:
"MY GRAPES!"
But her eyes dropped—and so did her stomach. Below them was nothing but a massive, endless forest.
"AAAAAA—WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" she screamed, flailing mid-air. She tried to shove Finn away, but fear took over—and she yanked him in close like a panicked koala.
"I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL AND DIVINE TO DIE LIKE THIS!"
"SAYS YOU—I'M THE ONE THAT ALREADY DIED TODAY!" Finn screamed back, his voice cracking.
Both were in full hysterics now. Tears flew from their faces, whipped by the wind.
Finn burst into insane laughter, arms wide like he was skydiving without a parachute.
"BUT IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! HAHAHAHAHA!"
And then—
THUD.
They hit the treetops. Leaves exploded. Birds fled. Something definitely cracked.